Enema… B-Movie Enema.

That sounded a lot better in my head than it looked on the page. Hmm. Anyway, I’m a huge James Bond fan. When I was little, I remember getting my first looks at the Bond films on TV. At that time, I seem to remember more of the Roger Moore-era movies playing regularly than the Connery films, but I caught up with those older entries by the end of the 80s. It was then that I definitely remember ABC playing the movies on Sunday or Monday nights during the summer. What I didn’t see on TV, I’d rent from the video store.

This was around the same time as Licence to Kill hitting theaters and the first time I saw one of the movies in a theater. It was that summer that I became a huge Bond fan. I never looked back. Starting with GoldenEye in 1995, I started going to see each new Bond film in the theater with my father. I have a single tattoo on my body. It’s of a silhouetted James Bond in the famous gun barrel with his 007 logo under it.

So, when there is a movie like the one I’ll be reviewing this week, Unmasking the Idol, I’m immediately curious about it.

Unmasking the Idol is a curious little number. It was directed by Worth Keeter (an awesome name). Keeter mostly was known for directing various action shows for kids like Power Rangers, Masked Rider, and BeetleBorgs. He made some low-budget action-type stuff that was pretty popular in the 80s and 90s for video stores and cable. There are two movies in his filmography that I am far more interested in than anything else. This movie, and its sequel, The Order of the Black Eagle.

So, as I said, both this and the sequel are curious films in the grand history of these James Bond knockoffs and imitations. That’s because a vast majority of those imitators came along in the first few years of the Bond franchise. When Dr. No hit theaters in 1962, the world went James Bond crazy. Sean Connery was the face of cool and masculinity.

The Brits were the first to try to capitalize on their own hero. In fact, even one of the popular Carry On films was itself a Bond parody/imitation. Soon, though, the Italians would come to make sure no popular movie or series could be cashed in on without their involvement. Later, the Americans would both parody and imitate Bond. First, there were the Dr. Goldfoot films starring Vincent Price. Later, James Coburn came along as Our Man Flint.

By the end of the 60s, there were fewer and fewer of these types of imitations. For the most part, intrigue movies would be more of a subgenre of action than a direct riff on the Bond series. If there was any kind of direct wink at Bond it was for parody purposes. So for these two films featuring the character of Duncan Jax to come along in 1986 and 1987, that’s strange. These movies were both ahead of the curve and behind the times too. They were too late for the inrush of the imitations that were done 20 years prior. They were too early for the soft resurgence of imitators that happened in the wake of the success of GoldenEye and Bond’s triumphant return after a six-year absence.

But what these movies DO feel like are more in the vein of Cannon Films productions. The 80s were loaded with action schlock. A lot of it was because of Cannon. But this was the rise of the video store and of cable TV. Content was needed and action and horror films were the ones that sold the easiest and, often, the cheapest to make and crank out with little focus on quality assurance. That’s how a character like Duncan Jax can make it into movies.

But here’s the funny thing… These aren’t that bad as far as fun, light-hearted action/spy thriller movies go. We’ll be getting more into that as I get into the movie itself.

But first, let’s talk a little bit more about the team behind these movies. I talked about Worth Keeter who directed the movies, but, perhaps, the most important element of the movie is our spy himself. Duncan Jax is played by Ian Hunter. Hunter appeared in exactly two movies – Unmasking the Idol and The Order of the Black Eagle. When Vinegar Syndrome did their release for this film, they were able to track down “Ian Hunter”. Well, that’s a stage name. His real name is Louis Dula. He’s not even British.

Hunter/Dula would have likely continued playing Duncan Jax if the series had continued. The problem was that there was an attempt to make a franchise, but these first two movies were not successful in getting the proper distribution in order to support and fund a lengthy franchise as a whole. It’s kind of a shame because, again, I have no problem standing firm on the opinion that I find these movies to be plenty serviceable. So, let’s unmask that damn idol!

The movie opens as you would expect a Bond-style movie to open – with a ninja doing ninja shit in front of a setting sun. Yeah, I should also mention that some of the idea behind this movie was to kind of mix the popular Bond type of action with the immensely popular fad of the 80s, the ninja action movie. That’s why this pre-title action sequence has Duncan Jax dressed as a ninja breaking into a bad guy’s compound and trying to steal something before making a daring escape via helium balloon.

Thankfully, Worth Keeter was much more interested in making a James Bond type of movie than one of the many, many ninja films (most of which seemed to be cranked out by either Cannon or Godfrey Ho at the time). That’s why the ninja element, while still used for stealthy missions and action sequences, becomes, in a strange sort of way, kind of downplayed for the rest of the film and we get a much more straightforward James Bond action-type movie complete with this pre-title action sequence leading into a bitchin’ spy theme song. You’ve got me, movie. You’ve fuckin’ got me.

What’s more, the title of the movie also brings to mind the adventure films of the 80s that were popularized by, and imitating, Raiders of the Lost Ark. So now it’s like we have layers of things here. Ninjas, James Bond-style theme songs and title sequences followed by a James Bond spy thriller, and a title that makes me think we’re going on an adventure for some archaeological find. We’re really off and running with everything the 80s can possibly throw at us.

Duncan Jax radios his boss and tells him that he’s got the micro-cassette that he was sent to get. He also mentions he’s very much wanting to take a vacation. His boss says that’s fine as long as he’s ready to go on his next big mission the day after tomorrow. Damn, dude. You should probably quit that job and find one that treats you more like a person than a worker drone. Maybe join a union or something.

Jax takes off his ninja gear to reveal, what else, a tuxedo. He goes into a casino and does two things – 1) speaks to Asian hottie China and 2) places his usual bets at the roulette table of 00 and 7. I see what you did there, movie. I’m digging it.

China and Jax share a lot of innuendo. In a lot of ways, this is a little more than a nod toward these types of comedic, and sexually charged, lines in Bond films. It’s a thing that is so accepted in a Bond film, but often elicits eye rolls when it happens in other movies that are very obviously homaging James Bond. However, in a vacuum, I think this movie does good work with it.

First, understand that this movie is anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes shorter than a typical Bond film. This very scene is the very first time we actually get to know Duncan Jax as this ninja/spy character. It cuts right to the point that he is, essentially, this world’s 007. He meets China who he then romances and they return to his hotel room where they’ve had sex and they get to know each other. This is all perfectly fine for this movie and to get to the point. He’s coy about what he does for a living. He even plays dumb about what a ninja is when she brings up the commotion previously that involved a ninja breaking into the bad guy’s place. While I can’t really say that “Ian Hunter” is as good of an actor as, say, Connery or Moore, he’s playing these early scenes just fine and it’s also done with a sort of John Barry romantic leitmotif underscoring the post-coital conversation.

Oh god. I’m a Duncan Jax apologist.

No, seriously. I can very heavily defend this movie because here’s a movie made on what I have to assume is a minuscule budget compared to the previous Bond film (depending on the year this was actually made, it’s either Octopussy or A View to a Kill), and it’s doing just fine. Not too bad for this small studio from North Carolina trying to give the world a world-hopping super-spy action movie. A super-spy, I might add, whose partner is a literal baboon.

Oh yeah… Did I not mention that yet? Duncan Jax’s partner and field support in these movies is a goddamn baboon named Boon. Whoever came up with this idea to set their spy series apart from James Bond, Mission: Impossible, or any other series didn’t just swing for the fences on this idea, but crushed the ball into fucking orbit.

The next morning, Jax tries to call his boss, Star, but notices that Boon is getting harassed by some morons. So he makes a little Superman joke and changes into his ninja gear in a phone booth and beats the shit out of the morons. He and Boon leave while China watches suspiciously.

Jax and Boon fly back to headquarters which may or may not be the interior to either a Wonder Woman TV episode set or maybe borrowed from Raiders of Atlantis. Jax meets with Sato, who is this movie’s equivalent of MI-6’s Q. They are soon joined by Star. He shows Jax the world’s most heavily guarded island on the world – The Devil’s Crown. Star says they were recently made aware of a whole hell of a lot of gold on the island. If Jax is not successful in getting to the island and making off with all the gold, the people who control the island could use it to get a submarine with nuclear weapons to spark World War III.

Jax thinks the mission is a bit of a mess and would also require him to trust an untrustworthy guide to get him to the gold. He declines the mission, but Star drops some extra info on our hero. The people involved with all this island and gold stuff were involved with the murder of Jax’s parents.

Meanwhile, on that mysterious island, the place is run by a hooded figure with a voice-changing box that makes them sound spooky and extra evil. All the servants wear red gis and look like they may have stumbled in off the set of Gymkata. They’ve captured two old people whose boat washed ashore after an engine failure. Big Mr. Bads, whose name is the Scarlet Leader, says they don’t like old people so they toss the old folks into the piranha pool and they’re eaten.

After a title card tells us “The Mission Begins” we’re dropped right in the middle of Duncan Jax training for his big mission.

Jax tells his lady spy friend, that this mission is a big freakin’ deal to him. He is going to have the chance to bring down the Scarlet Leader. That’s great and all, but he also has a shot at Baron Goldtooth, the man who killed his parents. Speaking of the Baron, he’s meeting with the Scarlet Leader. He’s going to be paid all that gold. In exchange, he’ll provide the Scarlet Leader with the world-conquering goods. You know, typical bad guy shit.

Jax has to find a man named Bugs. He’s someone Jax doesn’t like, or at least doesn’t have a great history with. So he and his lady field partner go to talk to this jerk. Of course, he lives in a shitty part of town. To get past some toughs in a car hanging out in the alley outside Bugs’ place, Boon puts a knockout gas bomb under their car. There’s a great ADR line added in with a girl saying, “Look! That monkey is dressed up like a ninja!” Every movie should have a baboon dressed up like different types of characters.

Our ninjas go inside, but they’re led into a trap where the walls are going to crush them. Jax radios Sato who tells him he’s got a small torch that can help them cut through the metal walls. They find Bugs. The deal is he’ll lead them to a man called the Whale, he’ll fly them into the island, and he’ll do his demolition thing. In exchange, Jax will give him 20% of what they can keep of the gold.

So, first up, Jax and Boon sneak into a compound to retrieve the Whale. Now, throughout this movie, you might be wondering to yourself, “Why would you bring a baboon with you on super important spy missions?” As you watch this movie, you’ll realize how much of an idiotic question you are asking yourself. The answer is simple. Boon is there to distract the idiot guards around the compound by doing a little show for them. It’s a goddamn travesty that more spies don’t have little primate sidekicks.

Jax finds the Whale. Why is this guy named the Whale? He’s a big ol’ fat guy. Jax gives him the deal – give him the map that lays out Devil’s Crown Island and he’ll stay there in his cell and that’s it. The Whale says that the whole concept of there being a map is preposterous. Jax counters with him being able to find the map in his cell or on his person and that’s that. Jax does end up settling for escorting the Whale out of the compound, but before doing so, he straps a bomb to his wrist for insurance. Boon begins blowing up the compound while Jax and the Whale catch a helicopter out of there.

There’s a girl implanted within the Scarlet Leader’s people named Echo. She’s radioing Duncan Jax. He’s telling her that she has to give him the exact location of the gold because he absolutely cannot trust the Whale. However, as she is messaging him, she gets caught by one of the Leader’s goons.

Before the mission begins, Jax brings everyone he’s picked up to help with this mission and everyone from his agency together to have a feast together and go over some final touches on the plans. First up, he’s moving the timetable up for the mission. Second, there will be no more communication coming in or going out from the base. When the question of whether or not he trusts his own friends and colleagues, he says it has nothing to do with that. It’s just a precaution. This rankles an older member of the outfit who is already losing a step and realizes he’s not going to be a major part of this mission.

I mean… At least he’s not being fed to the piranhas for being an old person.

Speaking of being fed to the piranhas, Echo is in a little bit of trouble for betraying Scarlet Leader. Scarlet Leader asks Echo if she likes water sports. Now… I do have to ask if Scarlet Leader thought that was a killer line or not. Like, I get it. She’s being lowered into the water. Those waters would be where those hungry piranhas are. But… water sports? I think Scarlet Leader just asked Echo if she likes getting peed on.

Oh yeah… There’s a movie still going on. Anyway, Scarlet Leader has an informant of their own while Jax is losing Echo to those, sigh, water sports. Scarlet Leader is excited that the Whale is coming to the island and that excites them. Back at base, Jax tells Star there is a traitor in their midst so that’s why he changed the plans and cut off communications. Jax says that traitor will slip up and, when they do, they’ll be able to uncover who it is.

Turns out, I think Sato has already uncovered who the traitor is.

What’s interesting about Unmasking the Idol is that it’s really doing a lot of kind of boilerplate stuff. You’ve got ninjas sneaking around. You’ve got an evil mastermind bent on ruling the world. You have a guy who is good with gadgets. You have double agents. Of course, like all action movies, you have a ninja baboon.

All kidding aside, it’s not really like this movie does any of those boilerplate things exceptionally well. It’s absolutely serviceable. It’s a fine 90-minute action movie. However, it’s throwing in all those things you kind of expect to see in a Bond movie or any other kind of secret agent intrigue thriller. Because it’s condensed down to that tight 90 minutes, it maybe is doing too much. As much as I think this movie is plenty fun for what it is, I would think that maybe the movie, and, by extension, the series, could have taken off if the movies were a little less complicated.

That old guy was named Willie. He was basically Duncan’s mentor. He knew things were off with him earlier, but, now that Willie was revealed as the traitor, it’s time to make their plans to invade Devil’s Crown Island. That was one of those subplots that was thrown in because I think we’re supposed to expect that in these types of movies, but it was totally unnecessary.

The one good thing that does do, though, is drop us right into the third act with action and violence and ninjas and shit.

Jax and the lady agent… Wait. You know what? I have no idea what that character’s name is. If they’ve said what her name is, I didn’t hear it. I think it’s Lise Peterson playing the character Gunner. It’s the only person in the IMDb cast list that I can’t directly account for. That’s the only issue with these types of small movies. Sometimes you don’t know who all the actors are. Anyway, I like lady agent. She’s been part of this entire plot from the moment that Jax accepted the mission. She’s been in every scene with Duncan Jax and doesn’t seem out of her element. She’s kind of a proto-female action star type. I like it.

What’s more, there’s no forced romance between her and Jax.

The Whale explains that he’s got this keypad that, if you press the exact right sequence of numbers, will show you the location of where the gold is. But fuck all that noise. Boon gets in on some action by killing a couple guys!

The Whale leads Duncan and Gunner to a vent where they can access the Scarlet Leader’s base. There’s some fun secret base stuff like how they have to traverse one room that is loaded with crocodiles. While they go through the base, Star and Bugs have wired the gold room to explode. Off the island, Goldtooth is approaching in a submarine. Scarlet Leader is pissed that Goldtooth hasn’t arrived. Goldtooth is pissed that no one is answering their calls to dock.

Jax, Boon, Whale, and Gunner arrive in the throneroom. Jax says that, aside from the gold, there should be more treasure to find and take. Gunner would like to know what Jax is looking for. He says he can’t say for sure. He just knows that Scarlet Leader must have taken something to keep for themselves. He figures this because the main motivation behind taking the gold was greed. So why not expect to find more than they know about? The only description he has is that it is some sort of golden idol. Boon messes with some controls on the Scarlet Leader’s throne and up from the water rises a golden Buddha.

The golden Buddha isn’t the actual treasure, though, it’s full of precious stones. Jax has the team take the idol while he picks up some of the jewels that fell out. He’s attacked by some of the Scarlet Leader’s goons. These guys are worse than Stormroopers and Cobra soldiers because Jax basically dumps them in the piranha pit without trouble.

As he lays waste to these goons, Jax is trapped in the throneroom by Scarlet Leader who wants to fight to prove kung fu supremacy.

A couple things about the above image. First, that’s a good frame with Jax standing near us with the shot of Scarlet Leader through his legs. Good framing. Second, everything about the throneroom is great. That’s a really neat set. It’s got that piranha pit. There are some crocodiles in there. The throne sits in front of a skull-like structure that has fire in the eyes. It’s a good-looking set. This movie definitely wanted to be taken seriously despite the limited budget.

So Jax and Scarlet Leader fight. It’s mostly a standard 80s kung fu fight scene. I will say it’s not poorly executed or badly shot. Again, a great descriptor for this entire movie – it’s serviceable. Jax eventually gets the upper hand in the fight. It’s revealed who the Scarlet Leader is. Remember China? You know, from earlier? Yup, she’s the bad guy.

This is maybe the worst thing about this movie. China appeared in only the first few minutes of the movie itself. Yes, there were some really nice things about that early scene with her that really made this movie feel like an honest attempt at being a Bond film. However, this is a poorly kept secret in the movie. First, she had that look on her face as she watched Duncan and Boon leave early in the movie. Next, the movie constantly was making you look at the fact that Scarlet Leader was wearing a voice change box around her neck. At times, it was very clear the person speaking in the Scarlet Leader costume was a woman whose voice was changed.

If China was a larger character in this movie, it would have worked so much better. If she came to Jax saying she was an agent also trying to track down this group, then we find out she’s the actual villain, that would have at least let the twist be a little more interesting. But… this is what we’re left with – an emotional reveal that doesn’t really mean anything. She uses a flash bomb to escape from Jax and he leaves and has one last goon to fight before he can get out of the base, and it’s that big dude we’ve seen with Scarlet Leader throughout the movie. When it looks like that guy is going to crush Duncan with a big rock, he shoots the guy and he escapes.

With Goldtooth possessing fake gold that Star, Bugs, and the team left for them to take, Bugs blows the base up. Duncan, Boon, and Gunner escape by turning his pickup truck into a hot air balloon. We haven’t really talked about the truck. For some reason, Duncan Jax really likes his pickup truck. That’s maybe the most North Carolina thing in this whole movie. It was kind of a big deal when we first saw it and it’s a big deal when it was dropped off on the island for Duncan.

As for the fake gold, Goldtooth discovers the gold is fake just as the bombs in it go off and destroy the submarine.

Unmasking the Idol is a perfectly fine action movie that borrows a great deal from James Bond, but you’re not going to find me complaining about that. It maybe does a little too much with the movie. As I said previously, in 90 minutes, the movie throws the kitchen sink at you in terms of the expected spy stuff. However, when things could have been simplified, the movie opted to over-complicate itself. Still, I like this movie. I don’t think it’s as bad as you might think it is when you find out that this is basically James Bond with a baboon sidekick.

To me, this is perfect cable TV type stuff.

But you know what is as bad as might think and decidedly NOT perfect cable TV type stuff? Next week’s movie. Next time, I will be reviewing the infamous sequel to one of the greatest modern-day thrillers ever. That movie is The Birds II: Land’s End. Sadly, there is no baboon blowing shit up and caving in chests in that movie.