Gather ’round, kiddos. On this Christmas Eve, hear this tale of horror that was unleashed onto the world one day shy of a fortnight before Halloween in the year 1991. Yes, it was said that this creature would stalk only the flyest of small town honeys. It was said you could hear him coming as the wind would whisper:
“Alright stop… Collaborate and listen… Ice is back with my brand new invention.”
It is then, when you realize something will grab a hold of you tightly. It shall flow like a harpoon daily and nightly. Will it ever stop, you wonder… Yo, I don’t know.
You are now in the grasp of Vanilla Ice, and you will be Cool As Ice.
Continue reading “Cool As Ice (1991)”
There are movies that are bad. There are movies that are REALLY bad. Then there’s The Apple.
The Apple was Cannon Films co-owner Menahem Golan’s fever dream of a passion project. Right there, you see it? You see the three red flags of that statement? First, Cannon Films. They were the schlock studio of all schlock studios of the 80s. They cranked out movie after movie of fodder that I could cover on this site. In fact, I have! I could very easily load this blog of Cannon articles week after week after week. It is almost unfair to every other movie ever made.
Then you have Menahem Golan. Here’s a guy who is fairly fascinating. He’s not a bad idea guy. He knew how to sell his movies. He knew how to crank out that schlock onto cable, video stores, and movie theaters – all over the world. The problem was that he didn’t have very good, completely well-thought out ideas. He had almost no concept of nuance. Anyone outside the United States is either an enemy or a weak-willed wimp in the face of terrorism. Chuck Norris shows up and kills everything, but, because some of those people he killed were indeed bad guys, he is right. That’s the mindset of Menahem Golan.
Then, there’s the concept of a passion project.
Continue reading “The Apple (1980)”
I’m a child of the 80s. I bathed in the glory of the awesome toys and amazing cartoons of the decade. While a lot of the sheen of those shows faded as I grew up, it’s okay. That’s because I’m a grown up and can understand that those things are special for what they were then and it’s hard to recapture that love and the exact feelings I had when I first discovered the cartoons.
That said, I still love the toys and still smile at everything surrounding those glory days of cartoon and capitalist infusion.
Now, while I didn’t exactly watch or love the show Jem and the Holograms, I knew A LOT of people who did. Regardless of watching or not, and certainly not having the dolls that were released, I still liked the gimmick and idea of the whole concept. I talked about it a couple weeks ago when I reviewed Teen Witch, but wish fulfillment is really, really, really important to young people. Jem certainly encapsulated that too, but it wasn’t entirely made specifically for girls. Maybe not the toys, but the show had a fairly decent mass appeal. Continue reading “Jem and the Holograms (2015)”
As a kid who did a lot of growing up in the 1980s, it was well into the 2010s before I knew much of anything about this week’s featured B-Movie Enema, Teen Witch.
Now… Back in the day, I didn’t live under a rock. I kind of do now, but not back then. I went to movies constantly. Every other day or so I was at Videoland renting movies and NES games. I was once “with it” and vaguely cool…? Somehow, Teen Witch escaped my notice.
It’s probably safe to say that it wasn’t really “made for me” – for whatever that really means. I was a 13 year old boy in 1989. So a movie about a girl getting the ultimate wish fulfillment opportunities didn’t really jump right out at me like, say, fuckin’ Batman or something. Now, that said… I feel it likely that I would have probably crushed on Robyn Lively.
Let’s talk about Ms. Lively, shall we? Continue reading “Teen Witch (1989)”
I think it’s safe to say that just about everyone has had a dream of being the hottest new country music sensation, right?
No? It’s just me? Come on, guys, I cannot be the only person who ever thought about running away to Nashville, Tennessee, wearing a short skirt, pretend that I’m only about 18 years old, and use my looks to make it big in the world of country music. Really?
You may say that you’ve never thought about it, but I can smell a lie like a fart in a car, dear Enemaniacs. But, hey… Maybe that bug just hasn’t bitten you yet. I guarantee that after watching this week’s B-Movie Enema feature, Nashville Girl, you will have a new life dream.
Country music is a fascinating beast. It’s a genre of music that I just cannot abide. I’m a rock and roll guy through and through. Yet… I really like southern rock. My favorite singer/songwriter is Tom Petty and, despite being heavily influenced by The Birds, he’s undoubtedly a southern rocker. However, there is an element of country music that I really do have some appreciation for. Continue reading “Nashville Girl (1976)”
Holy crapatini wowzers, of course I was going to write about 2019’s Cats. Look at this fucking nightmare fuel. How could I not do this???
Look at this…
And… Holy shit, Dame Judi Dench? You are an Oscar winner and James Bond’s boss, goddammit!
And the fuck is this? Who is Rum Tum Tugger? Why was he so important and only in, like, a single scene?!?
Continue reading “Cats (2019)”
“This is my happening, and it freaks me out!”
Welcome back to B-Movie Enema’s Russ Meyer Month. We’ve finally gotten to the back end of the month and his 70s features. It also brings us to two features Meyer did with famous Chicago movie critic Roger Ebert. First up, it’s the one the duo is most famous for – Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.
Meyer and Ebert cranked out a treatment that came to 127 pages in about a week and a half. Ebert completed the screenplay in three weeks. It was intended to be a straight sequel to the 1967 film Valley of the Dolls. Now, here’s where we start in on the rabbit hole that leads to Meyer and Ebert coming in. Continue reading “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)”
Every now and then… Every so often… The stars align and I come across a movie that may be one of the most important films of our time. If it isn’t necessarily one of “the most important” it certainly is one of the most perfect movies ever made.
Pull up a chair kiddies, and let me tell you the tale of 1984’s dance-ercize epic Heavenly Bodies.
And, besides, summer is coming – it’s time to make sure you got your beach bods ready for the sun and fun of the warmer weather! Heavenly Bodies is about Samantha Blair, played by the incredibly cute and likable Cynthia Dale, who is an aerobics instructor at a Canadian fitness club named, well, Heavenly Bodies. She soon finds herself in the battle of her life as she competes against one of the lead instructors at a mega fitness club chain for a spot on a local television workout show. This brings her face-to-face with big wig bullshit and the only way for her to fight and defeat the evils of capitalism is to dance the fuck out of it. Continue reading “Heavenly Bodies (1984)”