Gather ’round, kiddos. On this Christmas Eve, hear this tale of horror that was unleashed onto the world one day shy of a fortnight before Halloween in the year 1991. Yes, it was said that this creature would stalk only the flyest of small town honeys. It was said you could hear him coming as the wind would whisper:

“Alright stop… Collaborate and listen… Ice is back with my brand new invention.”

It is then, when you realize something will grab a hold of you tightly. It shall flow like a harpoon daily and nightly. Will it ever stop, you wonder… Yo, I don’t know.

You are now in the grasp of Vanilla Ice, and you will be Cool As Ice.

Ah yes, Vanilla Ice. I was there, man. It was 1990 and this guy, pastier white than I, came. He had the darkest eyes. A doll’s eyes. And a really stupid haircut. This was the time of hip hop finally really cementing its place in the music mainstream. Sure, some rap had breakthrough success, but it was still mostly on the fringe throughout the 80s, but the 90s would prove to be something wholly different.

Vanilla Ice would be a household name for two reasons. First, he was one of the earlier white rappers to get fame. He wasn’t the first, but he was maybe the first to hit superstardom – even if The Beastie Boys were better, and prove longer lasting. The other reason why he was a household name was the boon and the bane of his breakout smash “Ice Ice Baby”. The boon was that it played on MTV constantly. It was on the radio. It was almost a cultural touchstone. Almost.

The reason why you can say it was almost a cultural touchstone was because of the beat and rhythm of the song. It was catchy as hell. But to people who listened to good music, it was clearly taken from a much, much better song – Queen and David Bowie’s “Under Pressure”. I don’t know how true this was for the world at large, but it was the first time I had ever heard of the term “sampling” and how it was used in hip hop. It’s a common thing today, but it seemed “Ice Ice Baby” was the first song to have ever caught on with the masses in a way that you can totally hear an entirely different, older song in the underbelly of the new one. This would get Ice in quite a bit of trouble. He ultimately settled out of court with Queen and Bowie and their music publishers, but it didn’t really seem to stop Ice’s climb in popularity.

He’d go on to do another catchy song for the 1991 sequel Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, but it wouldn’t be too much longer before the bottom would drop out. By the mid 90s, Ice was not much more than a punchline for jokes from people too embarrassed to admit they owned his album and even wore baggy track suits and nearly got lines shaved in their hair if not for their mothers’ intervention. Still, Vanilla Ice was a huge success for a few years. Hell, he even dated Madonna for, like, 18 months.

Good on him… I guess?

To me, I never saw Vanilla Ice as anything but a kind of fashion trend in music at that time. There was a weird period in the late 80s after what most people deem the “good” 80s music and the early 90s when grunge finally came to save the world in which pop music was pretty goddamn awful. I didn’t see “Ice Ice Baby” as anything more than that. Besides, I knew Queen, David Bowie, and “Under Pressure” and I hated that it felt appropriated for something that was beneath the level of work those guys did. On top of that, there was the self-serving bravado in Vanilla Ice’s demeanor that I pretty much hate in people to this day. I really don’t care much for people who like to over-compensate by being a loathsome braggart.

That’s just not my scene. By the way, have you watched any of this season of B-Movie Enema: The Series on YouTube or on this page? It’s, without a doubt, the very best thing you can ever watch ever. I’m the bomb on that show.

Anyway, honestly, it’s that self-aggrandizing that turns me off from a lot of hip hop, particularly in the 90s. It DEFINITELY turns me off form the stuff that would close the decade from Limp Bizkit and, ugh, Kid Rock. I just don’t vibe with those types who think they are too cool for school, because, most of the time, they were dropouts who are now managing the Burger King on the corner. Poorly.

I’m not saying there’s no room for confidence or self esteem – that’s vital for everyone to have those things to find some sense of happiness. I’m just saying there’s a line in which can be crossed and make you look like a total fucking moron. I feel like I have about 91 minutes of that in my very near future.

I will also say that I don’t harbor any personal hatred for the man. He’s had his troubles, he had a seemingly unfortunate upbringing not ever knowing his father and what not. There’s a charm to him having a DIY show on TV in the 2010s. That said, I don’t want anyone to think he’s a significant artist in the parlance of our times. While there are a lot of people who will ironically like “Ice Ice Baby” like how people ironically like “The Safety Dance” (which is a fucking awesome song by the way if for only the fact that it led to “The Brady Bunch” from “Weird Al” Yankovic), I don’t want anyone to forget that a lot of people whose opinions I cherish and trust LOVED that shit. Why? Because he was the face of pop music for a little while.

But goddammit… I guess I need to watch his dumb movie now, don’t I?

It’s kind of funny how ominous the music is as this movie starts. It sounds more like a thriller where a bad guy is gonna stalk some woman walking home from her job as a waitress at a late night diner in the seedy part of town. If this movie turns into Cobra, I’ll be so fuckin’ stoked. Well, a woman screams, but into a microphone. Not for her life. Well… It flashes Vanilla Ice in big fucking letters. So she might be screaming at that.

Wait… Is that Naomi Campbell?

That’s Naomi Campbell. I don’t know if I’m happy due to my immediate recall of getting the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition when I was a teenager, or if I’m sad due to my immediate recall that I’m watching Cool As Ice.

So these first several minutes is just a music video for Vanilla Ice. I will at least say that while it’s sad for me to see names like Michael Gross and Candy Clark in the credits of this movie, I can say that Vanilla Ice is not totally untalented at the performing side of things. He can do the rap… I guess? Anyway, this movie does not seem to be turning into Cobra because I don’t see Sylvester Stallone coming to the grocery store to deal with a bad guy, so I’m actually stuck with this movie.

And for as long as you keep reading this, so are you.

Apparently Ice, who goes by Johnny Van Owen in this, is quite the player. He can do the rap so good that blonde bimbos will just follow him, and put their numbers in his jacket pocket. Trust me, Ice, that sort of snatch getting thrown at you constantly, wherever you go gets old, fast. I should know. Well, Ice and his posse take off on their crotch rockets not just away from the club where they performed, but all the way out to the country to… uh… do stuff?

To be honest with you, for the most part this looks like a Geico or Progressive commercial for motorcycle insurance at this point. But whatever, Ice and one of his buddies spots a girl on a horse. This is where things get stupid. Not just that, but kind of manslaughter-y?

So, yeah, Johnny launches his bike over a fence, right in front of the girl’s horse. The horse, doing what horses do when scared, rears back and throws her off it. That can seriously hurt people. She punches Johnny and HE asks HER what HER problem is. But, oh, sure, he compliments the girl on hitting good even if she is just a girl. She rides off, rightfully pissed at him, and he takes it as her liking him.

This is gonna be a painful remaining 82 minutes.

Johnny and his posse rides into this Northern California town which looks like the place that the first three Halloween movies were filmed. One of the guys’ bikes breaks down. Also, I think one of the guys is a lady member of the posse. Cool. At least Ice is inclusive I guess. Now, I’m going to post this picture, and then, probably without me needed to really do this, I’ll point out why I think the next rest of the movie is going to do something real tired even for 1991.

This town they’re in is so white that all the signs on the storefronts and all the cars on the street are white. We have “city folk” (which was the 80s and early 90s way of saying “urban youth”) cruising into town. They are wearing big coats. What are they hiding under those coats, Karen? Could it be the AK-47s I heard about on the news, Ralph? We’re going to find out that this band of loud clothing wearing jerks (who happen to be 75% *gasp* black) are going to probably pull the stick out of this town’s collective ass. They’ll do it with their 90s wash jeans and their motorcycles dipped in a vat of Saved By the Bell.

Sure enough, one guy is honking his horn at them to get out of the street. When the crew stands up, he gets scared because three of the four don’t look like they’re from around here. The other is just Vanilla Ice. Then, as they ride down the street and tow the broken down bike behind them, it’s just shot after shot of white dudes looking aghast at these newbies who have cruised into town. They see a house that… Well, I’m pretty sure crazy people live there. It’s got a map of the world painted on the roof, there are multiple doors set up before you get to the actual door. There are globes on sticks all over the front of the house. There’s a staircase that goes maybe nowhere?

I’m starting to believe in HOAs for the first time in my life.

And, oh yeah, a crazy person does live at the house.

That’s Sydney Lassick. He was in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. He played nervous wreck Charlie Cheswick. I am deeply depressed about this reveal. He comes up to the crew and talks to Ice and posse and says something about how they were expected and then he wants to buy Johnny’s bike, but… I don’t know what’s going on. It comes out that Roscoe and his wife May can fix things. So they are going to work on the motorcycle for the guys. But also they seem like they are full of shit because they have to read the manual and don’t seem to know where anything is.

Anyway, Ice isn’t wearing a shirt under his coat. That’s gross. He also spots that the girl from earlier, you know, the one he almost killed, yeah, her. Well she lives near the house with the crazy couple. She’s dropped off by her dickhead boyfriend and they are talking about going off to college and how they will need to break up, and what have you. It’s a weird conversation that doesn’t seem like the couple are on the same page. Johnny spots this too. He learns that the girl’s name is Kathy, to which he immediately starts referring to her as “Kat”. I’m sure she loves that.

Storytime, kiddos. So, yeah, I grew up all my life with the name Geoff. People from England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, and mostly Canada knows this is the proper way of spelling the name “Jeff”. Here in the United States, where the hilljacks live, they used to find it real funny to constantly call me “Gee-off” because they don’t know their own language well enough that they have to try to Hooked-on-Phonics it to call me Gee-off. It got old pretty much by the first grade. What I’m getting at is that I sympathize and empathize with Kathy if she doesn’t like being called Kat by a guy who can’t be bothered to wear a t-shirt.

All that and the scene ends with the infamous line from this movie… “Drop the zero and get with the hero.”

Alright, let’s catch things up, shall we? This white bread town has grown in population by four people. It has also found a 3000% increase in black folks. There’s a cute girl who lives in what I can only assume is a nightmare world based on how the utterly bizarre transition is filmed that is maybe not incredibly happy with her boyfriend Nick. I think the plan for Johnny is to use Kathy’s little black book, that I think he pick-pocketed from her (some hero), to find out more about her to usurp the role of her boyfriend, Nick (like a real zero). I smell shenanigans that should not work in any real world situation.

Speaking of that crazy ass transition…

We also learn that Kathy is an overachiever. She’s a 4.0 GPA high school senior. She’s scored double 800s on her SATs. However, there’s something not quite perfect in her life. Her father is recognized by a tough guy in a bar. This guy calls another guy. That guy calls Kathy’s father, but doesn’t say anything on the phone.

I’m sure that’s not going to be nearly as suspenseful as whether or not Kathy and Johnny get together.

After more hilarious stuff with the old crazy couple and the member of the posse’s broken bike, Kathy realizes that her very important personal planner is missing. That has all her scholarship information and her paycheck from work. That’s what Johnny lifted from her. Outside of town, some toughs are on their way to deal with that whole Michael Gross used to be on Family Ties and is now in Cool As Ice issue… Uh, I mean deal with the whole he was on TV with his daughter and there’s something very suspicious happening with tough guys knowing who he is and everything.

Kathy’s dad gets a little nervous because he sees the duo who came to town looking for him outside. Meanwhile, Johnny is looking for Kathy. Her mom says that she is at the “Sugar Shack” which is the hangout for all the youths in town. It also looks like a shady poolhall where people probably do drugs and/or smoke many cigarettes to make it that smoky inside. Anyway, there’s a terrible white guy band in there playing rock and roll. They are not just playing rock and roll. They are playing it badly and dorkily.

But I refuse to think that is what is the most ridiculous and funniest thing happening at the Sugar Shack because Johnny is there looking like this…

Even his friends are laughing. Anyway, people react just as they should be to Johnny. He catches Kathy’s eye after she gets disappointed by Nick drinking booze while being her ride. Apparently his “Down By Law” jacket has tickled something in her love nerve because she is suddenly into it. Back at home, Kathy’s dad is confronted by the bad dudes that have been looking for him. They give him 24 hours to come up with some cash that he must owe them or something.

Normally, in the real world, bad guys would kill Kathy’s dad. Probably her mom too. I would think even her little brother is Deadsville. Hmm… Things have gotten dark in how I’m thinking about this movie.

Oh, I know why…

Kathy gets humped on the floor of the Sugar Shack. Also, notice that the above song heavily uses Sly and the Family Stone’s “Thank You”. Yes, yes, I know that sampling and little covers like that are commonplace, but, all things considered, maybe Ice should try to maybe stay away from that sort of stuff so soon after the “Ice Ice Baby” crap? Anyway, Johnny is triumphant. Nick is mad. Kathy is wet.

Because someone spilled a little bit of their drink onto the floor where Johnny put her down to dry hump her.

I am going to take a minute here to say I think Kristin Minter, playing Kathy is really pretty. She’s got a dark hair/icy green eyes thing going on for her. It’s a good look. Not to mention she also looks like the perfect girl next door. She was previously Heather McCallister, the older sister of Kevin in Home Alone. She’s had a pretty steady career since. Good for her. I’m glad that a somewhat undeserved Razzie Award Nomination for this movie didn’t hold any kind of weight with future casting options.

Things are about to get hairy for Kathy. You see, dancing and getting dry humped by Johnny on the floor of the Sugar Shack, not to mention getting wet from the drink that got spilled there accidently by another patron in the exact spot she got dry humped by Johnny, well, that’s gotten Nick quite mad. He does the classic yank-her-out-of-the-place-and-say-she-embarrassed-him-in-front-of-their-friends trick. He then tries making out with her. She tells him to get fucked. She walks home alone, not realizing that someone is following her…

It’s Johnny! But not just Johnny! The bad guys who threatened her father are now intimidating and/or planning to kidnap her. But Johnny shows up and has her hop on his bike and they speed off away from the bad dudes. He takes her home and asks her what’s up with tomorrow. She’s already told him that if he doesn’t return her organizer tomorrow, she’s calling the cops. So… I guess that’s what’s up with tomorrow. Sounds like a fun date.

Inside, Kathy’s mom and dad are a little shaken about the earlier events. Her dad is not so sure about Johnny. It’s odd he showed up the same day as the bad guys. Kathy is a little worried about how solemn her mom is. She goes to bed and Johnny goes back to the Sugar Shack.

There, he finds Nick and some of his other (likely) racist country boy friends smashing the shit out of Johnny’s friend’s bikes. Nick decides to try to hit Johnny with a baseball bat. Johnny rectifies this most egregious frontin’ by smashing Nick’s ass. Nick must be a real jerk because none of his friends are helping him.

The next morning, Kathy is woken up by having an ice cube placed in her mouth. Johnny is in bed with her. He shushes her as to not wake mom and dad. This is maybe overstepping a line. By the way… She’s a senior in high school. He’s, like, I dunno, probably 30…? Anyway, Kathy needs to get dressed because, for one, she can’t go out in her sleep shirt, and, two, she’s clearly wet again… from the drops of water from the ice cube that Johnny shoved in her face when she was asleep.

He returns her planner and they decide to spend the day together. It’s a cute little day out, I guess. He asks her what it’s like “to have parents and a brother and stuff” and she says it’s really nice and stuff. Kathy’s lookin’ hot in her finest sundress (or I guess sunflower dress). Johnny is dressed like the bottom half of his body is doing time in the state pen.

As much as I hate this movie, and, trust me, I hate this movie, there are a few interesting things that this movie is doing. First, the movie is using locations well. Not the Sugar Shack, that sucked, but the weird home where Johnny and friends are hanging out is neat – if not an eyesore. Then this little date that Kathy and Johnny go on is in this hazy new edition build site where they are able to kind of play in the skeleton of a house being built. Second, the movie isn’t interested in being a normal movie. God… the last thing this movie wants to be is a normal movie. There are playful moments in this scene where Vanilla Ice and Kristin Minter are flirting with the audience. They are looking right at the camera and laughing and making us kind of feel like we’re there. Thirdly, director David Kellogg is shooting Kristin Minter phenomenally. She looks great in this movie.

I had already mentioned how attractive and alluring I think she is. She’s the one bright spot in this movie. I hate Johnny. I don’t know his friends at all really because they haven’t had anything to do for most of this movie. But Kathy? I love her. I tried to figure out what else David Kellogg has done as a director. I find some of his choices to shoot some of this movie like a music video interesting because if you’re here to see the Vanilla Ice movie, you probably don’t have any use for regular cinematic machinations? But while he has done a shit load of commercials for the better part of the last 20 years, he has done a lot of music videos too.

But how does he know how to make Kristin Minter everyone’s girlfriend while they watch this bullshit movie? How is he so good at shooting her in the most attractive ways and having her in every day, idealized sexy looks while not flat out making her look like she’s not the overachieving girl headed to college and a big future?

The answer is Kellogg directed a lot of Playboy Playmate videos. He knows how to focus on a pretty person. And this entire sequence feels like one of those Playmate videos… er… I mean, I assume as much. I have certainly never seen 10 or 12 or 20 of those videos from the 90s. I’m above that.

I’m totally not above that.

This is the closest this movie has felt like, you know, a movie. For the most part, the entirety of the first half of this movie was Vanilla Ice being his self-aggrandizing self. He actually shows a tad bit of normal humanity in this sequence. It’s cute, but again, I think a lot of it is due to Kristin Minter keeping me focused on the scene because I wanted to focus on her. Sadly, we have to go back to the rest of the movie the way it was.

Johnny takes Kathy home to a very pissed off Michael Gross. He comes right out with the accusation that Johnny is associated with the two guys who have pretty much parked themselves outside Kathy’s house. Also, isn’t his 24 hours up? Shouldn’t those mob guys be coming in and fucking them up? Whatever. Michael Gross says Johnny can’t see Kathy anymore.

That night, Michael Gross tells Kathy about his real background. He was a cop who testified on some dirty cops. He and her mother took a chance to go into witness protection. They moved to this small town and Kathy was born shortly after. These toughs outside are actually two of the convicted cops who claim that Michael Gross owes them money. He realizes that they saw him on TV with Kathy, so it’s imperative that they not trust anyone because he saw Johnny talking to the dirty cops when he was trying to find out where the Sugar Shack was.

The next morning, Kathy is on her way to school. Johnny asks if she wants a ride. She declines. He says he’ll see her tonight. She declines. Then he tells her that he thinks she’s just doing what her dad tells her to. You know what would solve this? Johnny trying to convince Kathy and, by extinction, Michael Gross that he doesn’t know those bogus dudes that he was directly accused of. I guess you could say that maybe he thought Michael Gross was talking about his homies and this was a racist thing? But saying, well, anything would start the conversation to sort out the issue.

I guess Johnny is just too cool to think about how to defend himself.

I give this movie some credit for thinking of actually doing the third act breakup trope. While Kathy’s friends try to put her down about embarrassing Nick, Johnny is trying to figure out why he’s been here for days without luggage, but with lots of outfits, and a super clean shaven face, but no toiletries. Kathy’s little bro goes over to see Johnny and cashes the earlier raincheck for a motorcycle ride. After he takes him home, Johnny tells the little kid that he’s leavin’ town. Just after sneaking in to her room to return the ring she gave him after their date, Johnny takes off, but the dirty cops come in and nab the little bro.

Kathy comes home and finds the ring in her fish bowl.

So, it’s come to the attention of Kathy’s parents that her little bro is probably missing. He wasn’t at little league where Kathy was supposed to pick him up from. He wasn’t with the parents which is what Kathy thought when he wasn’t at little league. Obviously, something bad is happening. Johnny’s posse won’t leave town without him going to talk to Kathy. This is where this movie decides to get nice and super stupid.

Johnny comes up the walk, starts up the front steps, and finds a note on the step. Now, we all know this is from the bad guys. Johnny doesn’t, but that’s okay. We expect him to not know that. He picks the note up, and does his one loud bang on the door like a cool guy that in no way sounds alarming or threatening. Michael Gross opens the door. Remember, he knows his son is missing. We know Johnny has the note from the bad guys. Johnny asks to talk to Kathy. She comes to the door. What does Johnny say?

“Yo. You wanna talk or what?”

Dude, you are there to talk to her. She didn’t call you over. For all she knew just moments ago, she thought you you left town, broham. What’s the next thing he does? Antagonize her dad.

“Oh, I see. You still doing what daddy says, huh?”

Killin’ it, Johnny. So, he’s aggressively asking Kathy if she wants to talk. She does nothing. He then antagonizes her father. After thinking he’s super fly in this scenario, he holds out the bad guy letter to say, “Here, this is for you.” He then peaces out.

Inside the envelope is not really a note. It’s a tape. The tape is Kathy’s little bro reading a threat from the dirty cops. They listen to the tape. Michael Gross looks dead at his daughter and says, “I told you. I told you he was part of this.”

So here we have a the immovable object of the guy, Kathy’s dad, who won’t listen, even when Kathy is standing up for Johnny, versus the unstoppable force, Johnny, who’d rather go deuces than defend himself to anyone. What a fucking sack of balls all this is. It doesn’t help that Nick comes over and and tells Kathy’s parents that he saw Johnny with her little bro, which he did.

Kathy stands up for Johnny again. Her dad is like, “Fuck that bad haircut motherfucker” (his literal words). Nick is like, “Durrrr bedurrr badum you embarrass me ber ber beburrrrr” (his literal words). Kathy decides to go over to the crazy couple’s house to talk to Johnny to get to the bottom of it all. She’s like, “I need to talk to you!” No, for real. She said that. How does Johnny respond?

“You need a psychiatrist.”

Kathy, sweetie… Run away? Get away from all these men in your life. Come over, we’ll play some Risk. Prefer Castle Risk? We can do that too! I’ll actually NOT put up a front. I’ll listen to you. I’m also not a rich white asshole.

Ah, no… I get ya. You’re dealing with some stuff. It’s cool. But… the offer is still there, Kathy. I won’t even call you Kat like a total douche.

Kathy has Johnny play the tape with her brother issuing the kidnappers’ demands. Johnny hears a clanging in the background of the recording. Johnny realizes he recognizes the sound and he, Kathy, and the posse go to the build site. However, they don’t see or hear anything. Johnny actually says something smart in this scene in that just because they can’t hear them, it doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Then, Johnny outsmarts the dumb kidnappers by driving off with the posse making them think they are safe and hidden.

But then!

While Johnny and crew fight the bad guys, Kathy makes off with her little bro. The cops come to question the old kooky couple about Johnny. While the old couple try to make Johnny sound like a Harvard student, the posse return with the kid. Michael Gross thanks Johnny, but Johnny responds that it doesn’t really matter. After all, she’s gonna go to college, and he’s leaving town.

Kathy comes over and talks to Johnny about how she just wants to hang out with him for however long they have. Again, she’s charming as hell. Vanilla Ice, on the other hand, is wearing his hat like an idiot. But she explains that college doesn’t start tonight and it’s not like he’s leaving right then. Nick tries to put Kathy down by saying he hopes she likes being a biker chick because she won’t see him or his car ever again.

Big loss.

Before we get the final music video to close out the movie, we do get to see Johnny pull a fairly big dick move. He steals Nick’s girl, which is fine. But then he has to go back, just to make sure he cucks Nick completely, he uses the guy’s car as a ramp to launch himself and Kathy on his bike. Dude… You got the girl, you can just leave it at that. I feel like you’re just overcompensating at this point.

Also, doesn’t Ice look like Two Face?

This movie super sucks. However, it’s a movie of two halves that both suck. The first half is just painful with Johnny just being the worst. He’s full of himself. He’s rude. He’s just a dick. The second half is a dull, uninspired mistaken identity thing. What makes it so bad is that it’s contrived. Johnny could very easily defend himself, but he refuses to. He’s so disaffected and so self-centered, that he can’t even show humility to explain that he’s not what people think he is. Don’t get a stupid haircut if you don’t want people to think you’re stupid. On top of that, you have that lead to a third act breakup that creates tension with Kathy that isn’t necessary. It’s just all bad, but in two very different ways.

But… Kristin Minter is wonderful. She’s the only way I could get through this movie. Again, I think David Kellogg gets a decent amount of credit for that. He knew how to shoot her to make me keep my eyes on the screen. When she was there, I was mesmerized. When she wasn’t there, I had to deal with Vanilla Ice, and that just wasn’t what I wanted to do.

In all, Cool As Ice was exactly what I expected, bad. But is it one that you can have your friends over and include in a “Bad Movie Night” lineup? I do believe you can. It’s maybe where you start the evening because you don’t want to deal with Michael Gross, Vanilla Ice, and Kathy’s ex-boyfriend after your limit for movie bullshit has been surpassed. In the end, I’ll maybe never watch it in its entirety again – without friends around us to riff it. I would watch anything Kristin Minter is in or has done, and I’d watch her scenes from this movie again.

I don’t think I can squeeze anything more out of this movie. I think it’s time to let the Ice out to thaw… melt? Ah, dammit. That didn’t quite work out the way I thought it might. But, hey… From everyone here at B-Movie Enema Industries to everyone out there, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. There’s one more bit of Holiday cheer to discuss. Tomorrow, check out the B-Movie Enema: The Series Christmas episode where I’m watching To All a Goodnight. That also serves as the season finale for season #2, but there are lots of exciting things coming in the future. So, you know, stick around.

As always, to stay on top of all things B-Movie Enema, follow on Facebook and Twitter. Go over to YouTube and subscribe to the B-Movie Enema channel. Keep your peepers peeled for new articles, new videos, new lots of stuff. Next week, we’re celebrating the new year with one of the few New Year’s horror movies, Ghostkeeper. Be sure to be back here in one week for that one. Until then, Happy Holidays and have a safe and good Christmas!