Do the milkshake, the milkshake, my Enemaniacs.

Guys… I… I’m not sure how to even start this review. Welcome back to B-Movie Enema and yet another review on this web zone. Boy oh boy do we have a doozy for you this week. 1980’s Can’t Stop the Music isn’t just a box office bomb. It isn’t just a critical disaster (to the exception of one movie reviewer’s very odd opinion), It isn’t just a movie about the disco group Village People, a group that, themselves, are kind of a massive dose of campy pop culture jokes. It also helped pave the way for a Hollywood tradition that is very hit and miss with me.

The movie was kind of meant to be about the formation and near-overnight success of Village People. Village People were formed in 1977 by Jacques Morali (played by Steve Guttenberg in his film debut) and his business partner, Henri Belolo. They were hitmakers in Europe and came over to New York City to break into the American music market. The first member to join the band was Victor Willis, who was the cop character in the group. Willis wrote most of their hits and was the lead singer of the group. He was the only performer on the first Village People album. To find other stage performers to mostly dance on stage to Willis singing, Willis first handpicked Alex Briley who portrayed the G.I. of the group and remained with the group for 40 years, and Morali chose Felipe Rose, who wore the Indian costume during performances. Rose was found in a local gay BDSM club with a name that is every bit as gay as it is awesome – The Anvil.

When the record proved to be a major hit, the rest of the band was formed by way of putting out an ad in a theatre trade paper. Glenn Hughes was added as the leatherman. Randy Jones saddled up as the cowboy. David Hodo built his entertainment foundation as the construction worker character. 1977’s Village People and 1978’s Macho Man were okay sellers, but later in 1978, Cruisin’ proved to be a MASSIVE hit, and it was followed by another hit album, 1979’s Go West.

But you see… Music is a fickle medium. Live and Sleazy, released in the late months of 1979, was a mix of live and studio recordings, and it was a step backwards. Disco was losing its steam by the end of the 70s. By the time Can’t Stop the Music was released in theaters on June 20, 1980, disco was basically dead (or at least on life support with the hand on the plug to pull it), and the Village People were running out of gas as a popular music group. You could almost argue that by the time the film went into principal production in May of 1979, it was already too late unless you wanted to turn the movie around for release before the end of the year. 1998’s Spice World kind of had the same issue. Both Village People and the Spice Girls were trying to get as much out of their sudden popularity as they could, but by the time the idea of putting a movie into theaters came along, both had run out the clock on their fifteen minutes.

The film was the only movie ever directed by actress Nancy Walker. Walker was probably best known for roles on TV. She was in the main cast of Rhoda and appeared in the series The Mary Tyler Moore Show and McMillan & Wife. Aside from the previously parenthetically mentioned Guttenberg, the other notable cast members include Valerie Perrine, who was Miss Tessmacher in 1978’s Superman, and a film debut for, sigh, Caitlyn Jenner. Perrine, a 1975 nominee for Best Actress in the Dustin Hoffman flick Lenny, did not get along with Walker. Walker refused to go to the set when Perrine was scheduled to film, so she left it up to cinematographer Bill Butler to direct the leading lady. Also, Perrine was mad after the film was completed that a dance number she did was cut out of the final edit.

(NOTE: This review was written weeks before the passing of Perrine on March 23, 2026 at the age of 82. She had been in a long battle with Parkinson’s Disease for the last decade. This review is not meant to be a tribute to Perrine as that would be… not great? Seriously, watch Lenny or Superman if you want to honor the memory of this sassy and lovely actress.)

As for Caitlyn Jenner, obviously, this film was made before her transition. Also, obviously, I do not like Jenner. I think she is a bad person and someone who supports an ideology that is damaging to her chosen gender and those who wish to transition as she did. I will NOT dead-name her. I will refer to her from this point forward as her character’s name, Ron White.

The legacy of Can’t Stop the Music can’t be denied, even if it is a pretty bad and very silly film. In Australia, one of their free television channels plays it every year on New Year’s Eve as a lark. It helped exacerbate issues production company EMI Films was having at the time that led to its ultimate demise. But the most lasting legacy it has is that the movie, along with another summer 1980 musical, Xanadu, helped lead to the formation of the Golden Raspberry Awards (aka the Razzies). I generally do not like the Razzies for a few reasons that I don’t have time to get into, but I will say this past Razzies were pretty spot on with what was the worst of the worst of 2025 (War of the Worlds, the Ice Cube one).

I actually saw this movie for the first time as a kid. I’ve even seen a Village People performance. Not kidding! When Indianapolis hosted Super Bowl XLVI in 2012, I went downtown on one of the unseasonably warm nights to take in the whole festivities of Super Bowl Week. That night, on a stage down at the end of Georgia Street (I think it was), Village People performed a few of their biggest hits. It was a fun time. It’s a little less of a fun time considering what their big hits are often used for now, but I’ll leave that alone.

One final thing to add before we get into this musical odyssey… Critics largely despised this movie, except for one. Rex Reed was mostly known for being a film critic in New York City. Later, after Siskel and Ebert left At the Movies, he and Bill Harris took over. Reed is one of my very, very least favorite critics. He’s a cruel reviewer who often dips into ad hominem. He claimed Marlee Matlin won her Oscar for Children of a Lesser God out of pity for being deaf. He said that Marisa Tomei didn’t actually win her Oscar for My Cousin Vinny, claiming that presenter Jack Palance simply called out her name regardless of what the envelope said. He dismisses people who disagree with him. In other words, you could say Rex Reed is just an ornery queen or a raging bitch. What you can also say is that he gave this movie 3 out of 4 stars.

Like the thing with the current-day usage of Village People songs, I’ll just leave that there for you to mull over.

Our movie comes in hot with a roller-skatin’, music store employee Steve Guttenberg (playing Jack Morrell, a play on the real life Village People producer Jacques Morali), desperately pleading with his boss to make sure he gets off work early tonight. It’s a life or death scenario, as Jack puts it. Jack’s boss says after they clear out the store of customers (by the way, it is broad daylight outside so apparently, NYC music stores are busiest at 3pm in the afternoon and then close at, like, 3:08pm), they are to do inventory. If you have ever worked retail, “working inventory” is a death sentence for anything you want to live for that day. Jack is told that if he does not do inventory, he does not do job anymore. So Jack quits and tells his boss the next time they do inventory, they will be counting the number of his albums.

Yeah, Jack fancies himself not a performer, but a composer. He works as a record store schlub and a deejay at a club. That gives him the idea that he’s a rad writer. The credits play out of him roller skating down New York City streets, celebrating his freedom and how now is his time to shine.

We also see another lead character in this movie that isn’t a member of the Village People, Sam Simpson (played by Valerie Perrine). Sam and Jack are dear friends. Sam is a model and/or actress and is constantly made fun of for “getting fat.” She is Valerie Perrine. She is hot. She stopped an entire army squadron dead in their tracks when they saw her passed out on the road, so that Lex Luthor and Otis could hijack a missile for Superman to stop. My point is, she’s hardly fat or, in any way, not pretty to be able to get work in whatever fucking field she’s in.

So, Can’t Stop the Music, the movie about the Village People, starts with characters who are not members of the Village People. Bold move. Let’s see how this plays out. Spoiler alert… It plays out that this movie isn’t really about the Village People, but uses them to tell the story of their creator, Jacques Morali.

Back at Sam’s apartment, we do finally meet the first member of the group, Felipe Rose (the Indian). He’s inside Sam’s apartment because his TV broke, and he climbed into her place through the window because that’s totally cool in New York City. We also learn that Jack kind of lives there with Sam. He house-sat for her, and he kind of never left. She thinks of him as her little brother, though Jack (ignoring something this movie constantly ignores, the reality of the sexuality of the character’s real-life inspiration) would like for her to think of him as something else. They strike a deal that if this DJ job he’s got tonight at the same club that Felipe go-go dances at doesn’t pan out, he’ll go back to school and get a real job.

I think we need to talk a little bit about Jack’s thinking that being a DJ will lead to people seeing that Jack is a musical genius. I’m not sure how this fully connects. It’s a disco, so music needs to play for people to dance to, right? People think he’s a great DJ, but he apparently is going to play his own music. That’s his plan… Basically, he’s using his one best shot while being a substitute DJ for this club to Trojan Horse his original shit on people. The idea, from there, he’s going to be an overnight success.

Jack’s song, which he’s going to slip into the mix, is one he specifically wrote for Sam. It’s a nice little gesture, I guess. It’s what he thinks is his best song, and it’s meaningful to his good friend that he totally has the not-gays for. I’d like to give a shit about this, but, goddammit, I came here for the Village People, not these two dorks. Where are my totally not gay construction worker, policeman, cowboy, G.I., and leatherman? I got the Indian. I got a LOT of the Indian because that guy hardly wears any clothes. My point is this is supposed to be about the Village People.

Jack plays his song (“Samantha” by David London). I guess it’s a hit. I mean, it’s got a beat and a great hook, but wait until they fuckin’ hear “Y.M.C.A.,” am I right? Sam asks how many songs Jack has completed. He says he has several in various stages of completion. He… He lives with her, right? All his shit is at her place. Or it was in the earlier scene. What is going on here? He only ever talks about being a musician and/or composer. How does she not know how many songs he’s composed? Are these two actually friends? Does she pay any attention to all the bullshit he spouts about being famous? Shouldn’t she?

What’s more… She tells him something you’d think he would know about her too. While he was busy dreaming about being a musician and flunking out of college, she, as a supermodel, met and dated a shit ton of movers and shakers in the music industry. So, she gets a good demo tape of Jack’s music, she can present it to her old boyfriends.

Something else that happens here, as Jack preps his demo tape, is that she gets a call from her former modeling agent that the dairy industry wants a new ad campaign, and she wants Samantha Simpson to be the face of milk, but we’ll get back to that later.

Jack wants Sam to listen to some of his music. She says the music is great, but his singing voice is a big gooey pile of fuck. He can’t sell his songs with his voice, no matter how good the music and lyrics are. But wait… Who sang “Samantha?” Was that Jack? He claims he doesn’t know anyone who can do the singing. Or at least he can’t just conjure up a bunch of singers. So… Was he singing “Samantha” on that track? If so, that song kinda rules? The disco certainly was into it. Oh whatever.. Sam decides to go to Baskin-Robbins to do some serious plotting and scheming. Her plan is to find singers to record Jack’s song to get the demo up to snuff.

By the way, Baskin-Robbins did a promotional tie-in with this movie with a flavor called “Can’t Stop the Nuts” and that… that’s just… Yeah. It’s very deliberate that she talked about going there, as it all tied together. But that name of the flavor is fucking brilliant and so very, very Village People.

In a bit of ingenious storytelling through film editing, Sam, after leaving with her ice cream cone, ends up finding Felipe (who’s none too pleased with the rental feather he was given while he gets his head dress oiled) while she’s walking around the street, and discovers he’s got a great singing voice. She then talks to Randy, whom she knows from the disco. He’s the Cowboy of the group, and he, too, has a great singing voice. One guy tells Sam that she’s got a really dumb idea to create a singing group in her backyard, but the Construction Worker, David, is already doing some singing for ad campaigns and stuff, so he’s in. The editing is great because she effortlessly goes from one conversation with one of the future members of the Village People to the next, but the conversations blend into each other as if it’s been one big conversation with everyone together. It’s pretty good for this really dumb movie.

So we have half of the Village People assembled to do this recording tonight at Sam’s. Before we can get to any of that, we need to meet yet another character who has nothing to do with the group, but has an inexplicably large role in the movie… Ron White. And… sigh… let’s talk about this person. The cast will say that Ron is played by Bruce Jenner (trying out acting after some athletic superstardom in the 70s). Obviously, I’m not going to deadname this person the entire article. So, allow me to say that we know this person for now and until the end of time as Caitlyn Jenner. I will not refer to Jenner by either first name to make things easier for me and you, as the reader. I will be referring to this person as either Jenner or Ron. What’s more, I know this person is extraordinarily controversial. One group of people will find the transgender element of this figure controversial. I find Jenner’s own criticisms of trans people to be far worse than what anyone else thinks about what Jenner decided to do with their own life. I kinda feel like you should support other people who want to do the same thing you did, but I guess Jenner opted to just pull the ladder up behind her after her transition. Anyway, fuck Caitlyn Jenner, and let’s finally move on with what we’re all here for… the Village People.

Also, who would have thought that someone with some pretty anti-LGBTQIA opinions co-starred in a movie with the Village People, of all bands?

Okay, anyway… Ron is a bit of a clutz and a goof. He tries to warn an old lady who is about to be hit by a guy on a scooter, only for him to fall for a con. She did that on purpose to hold him up and steal all his money and watch and ring and things. He’s also carrying a cake he just picked up from a bakery. What does any of this have to do with the Village People? Fucking nothing at all. What does Samantha’s agent sneaking around trying to get her back into the modelling business (happening at the same time as we’re introduced to Ron) have to do with the Village People? Absolutely fuck all for quite a while in this movie. Over 30 minutes into this movie, and we’ve only heard one Village People song, and that was “I Love You to Death” when the Construction Worker was daydreaming about being a pop star while Sam was recruiting him.

Now, things are about to really kick off with the upcoming demo recording of “Magic Night,” but I really want to take a moment to express the true frustration of this movie for me. Yes, 30 minutes into the movie and no Village People. I thought this movie was about the Village People, but I guess not. I guess it’s more about their manager and his supermodel friend that he has the not-gays for. But this is a movie that clocks in at OVER TWO HOURS LONG. Why is it that long? I’ guess it’s because they need to give time to other music that Jacques Morali was connected to. So… Is this movie about the Village People? I’m really uncertain now.

But there’s all this other bullshit in this movie that connects to Sam. She’s got her modelling career. Her horny ass friend, Lulu, who 1) lusts after Felipe (hon, he is NOT into you) and 2) says she will make up for all the injustices his people were served in Roots. Fuuuuck. That joke doesn’t even make sense other than to indicate to me she is one of those “I don’t see color” racists. Or maybe she’s one of those “eh, they’re all the same” racists. We’re about to link Ron White and Samantha Simpson together, and there’s a lot of bullshit going on in that relationship too. She likes him, but he’s still married, or maybe he’s getting divorced, or or or or… I don’t fucking care. I am here for a couple straight guys and twice as many gay guys in costumes singing some disco bangers. Where is this? Why is this movie doing all this other shit? Why can’t I just get my gay disco anthems movie?

If you watched the clip above, you might notice that we’ve got the Policeman, Ray (whose last name is Simpson, the same as Sam’s last name in this movie… Fuck that’s lazy as shit), once we finally got to the actual recording of a single fucking song in this movie. Ray is a singer too. He’s perfect for this new group. By the time of this movie’s release, he was the replacement for the original Policeman, Victor Willis.

Ron, who we found out is actually a tax lawyer and somehow got wrangled into delivering a cake to Sam by her sister, storms out of Sam’s party while the Village People are rocking out to “Magic Night.” Why? Because Ron sucks and should not be part of this movie. He says he doesn’t understand how a girl like Sam lives in the Village and hangs out with a bunch of weirdos. We’re sooooo close to actually fucking having the Village People at least mentioned, but no. We’re not there yet.

Sam tries taking the recording of the song to record people she knows. It doesn’t go well. However, she used to date the guy who runs the biggest record company in the country, but she, at first, refuses to go see him to ask him to listen to the tape. That reluctance ends after about three seconds when Jack begs her to use her charms. She decides to glam herself up (in an outfit that is the most covered up she’s been in this entire fucking movie) and try to seduce her ex into listening to the tape and making her friend a superstar or something.

We’re nearly an hour into this movie, ostensibly about the Village People, and we have no actual Village People.

This movie has a distinct feeling of a movie that was written as something else, but repurposed into a Village People movie. I mean, maaaaybe that was true, but I can’t seem to figure it out based on what Wikipedia had to say about the production. Originally, this was called Discoland… Where the Music Never Ends. It makes it seem like it really was more of a movie featuring disco as a broader musical basis. Maybe it really was about featuring Jacques Morali’s bands and acts, but with the Village People taking top billing (as they would have been the best-known act of the bunch). But it also seems that Discoland was intended to be the origin story of the Village People anyway.

And maybe this was always about the Village People, but if you watch this movie and have no idea who the fuck the Village People were as an act, you’d think Steve Guttenberg and Valerie Perrine and, hell, maybe even Jenner, were members of the band. There is sooooo much time and plot given to those people that it seems completely uninterested in actually telling any kind of fictitious or real backstory origin of the group it is featuring. Perrine’s Samantha and Guttenberg’s Jack characters aren’t necessarily unlikable. They are just parts of scenes that go on waaaaay too long and are jokey in a way that I think you’re supposed to understand, but I don’t.

One guy is constantly dreaming of being a major star in music to the point that I don’t understand WHY he feels the way he does about music. He’s just a dreamer who thinks he is owed fame and fortune. Sam’s dialogue is largely catchphrases and soundbites that, I guess, represent the late 70s and early 80s? It’s a very vapid movie. Which isn’t so bad if this was treated something like the Beatles’ movies or an episode of The Monkees. In fact, I want a movie starring the Village People to be fun and vapid and very light entertainment. This movie somehow takes the vapidity to all new depths.

I will say that this movie, for as bad as the first half is, is not boring. In fact, it’s incredibly watchable. While the movie is barely interested in the Village People, there is an energy to this movie that is kind of undeniable. I’d rather watch a movie frenetically falling on its face than be as boring as, say, Moment by Moment. You kinda can’t help but want to know how the movie is going to fuck up its premise so badly in the next overly long scene that has little to nothing to do with the group that is supposedly the movie’s focus. This movie blows ass, but it’s a fascinating ass.

Like, seriously… We’re going to spend an awful lot of time bringing this group together. So, if we’re going to be beating around the bush, we need Valerie Perrine to be both kinda ditzy and able to think on her feet in really smart, skillful ways. We need Steve Guttenberg to be a bouncing ball of goofy energy. And if neither of them works for you, let’s have clutzy Ron White dump piping hot lasagna on his crotch and balls and dick. That’s funny! Right?

Right?

Meanwhile, yeah, we’ll have a single scene in a disco up to the halfway point, so we can conceivably argue this movie is positively NOT about discos and dance music played within. We’ll kind of have these young, goofy guys who each have a costume aesthetic floating around on fairy wings of love as we wait for them to take over the movie. It’s a fascinatingly terrible movie. I can’t imagine what the premiere would have been like in 1980. The Village People, I assume, are sitting right in the center of the movie theater auditorium. And they are sitting for over an HOUR before they can really say this is now their movie featuring a shit load of their songs. I can see them sitting there, nervously looking around, and slowly sinking into their chairs while they try to figure out what the fuck this movie is actually about. “Wasn’t this movie supposed to be about us?” whispers the Leatherman (who has yet to show his fucking mustache in this movie) to the Indian. The Indian just shrugs and pops another Quaalude in the hopes he can get through this movie with as little pain as possible.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah… Sam has secured a demo with ex-boyfriend, recording industry mogul, Steve Waits. But before they can provide a final product, Jack says he needs more guys. You see, his music has a lot of complexity to the harmonies or some such shit. Ron offers the use of his office to do tryouts for more members of the band. That’s where we’ll get our last two members, the G.I., Alex, and the Leatherman, Glenn. Glenn’s audition is the most rousing of the bunch as he belts out “Danny Boy” and immediately wins over Jack and Sam.

At the 70-minute mark, by way of a passing line from Ron’s mother who came to visit him during the auditions, we have the name “Village People” dropped. This movie’s pacing is second only to One Battle After Another, I’ll tell you what.

Also… Jesus Christ, Jenner, how did you do the gayest thing in this whole movie? That shirt is so cropped, teenage jailbait wouldn’t even wear that. Also, I can make out the fucking outline of your cock and balls.

With all the key players in the band and managing the business of the band no longer holding down a job, they need to find a place to practice. Now, where could they possibly go where guys will be dick out in locker rooms? Could that place also be someplace that’s free and open to the public?

You better fuckin’ believe it’s “Y.M.C.A.” time, and for Brokeback Mountain to blush, with both cowboys nudging each other saying, “Damn, that’s a really gay scene for a movie.”

I don’t want a couple of things to go unmentioned here about the above Y.M.C.A. scene. First, yes, if you think you saw some guys hanging dong, you did. Second, if you think you saw Valerie Perrine hang bags, you did. Third, if you think this scene is shooting the male form like straight men shoot female nudity in most movies, it is. Fourth, holy shit this is the most homo-erotic five minutes I’ve seen in some time, and I’ve seen Pillion. Before this scene, there were lines that tipped the movie’s cap at the idea that the Village People were largely made up of gay men. There were cheeky lines about sucking cock, even from Perrine when she was lamenting having no luck getting her boobs in the door for the demo track. Hell, I’m not even sure if what the Leatherman says about turning in his coin changer at the toll booth isn’t some sort of code to get you into some pretty happening parties in the Village. I’m just saying that FINALLY, this movie has a personality and life because the Village People are here and they are going to be fucking fabulous.

And show a bunch of very gay shit in their movie to save the day.

Alright, Waits comes to hear the Village People perform their demo. They perform “Liberation” for him. It’s not quite as smooth of a demo as it can be. They struggle with their choreography. There’s feedback from the speakers and mic. I mean, the song is performed fairly well, but they are a bit of a mess that Waits isn’t so impressed with. What’s more, Jack is disappointed with them. Ron and Sam both try to play off the disappointing performance, but Waits says he’s not interested. His intuition tells him that, probably, the time’s passed for an act like the Village People.

And, collectively, 1980 movie audiences said, “No fucking shit.”

Despite Sam failing to reel in Waits, Ron and Jack run into someone who gives them a great idea. They decide to throw a giant party that will bring in up to 2000 people at $20 a head. They’ll have Jack be the DJ, they’ll use this as an opportunity to introduce the Village People to the public, and they’ll make a shitload of money. Sam agrees this might be a good idea, but to fund the party, she decides to get back into the modeling game by doing that milk commercial her agent wanted her to do waaaaay back in the first act of this movie. Remember that? That feels like about two movies ago now. That’s because now this movie’s focus is the Village People and not all these other characters that mean nothing to anyone.

She tells her agent that she and the group she’s hanging out with are a packaged group, and the commercial they make is… something else.

Okay… First, the little kids are dressed like the Village People. There’s a little Leatherman. I’m not sure if that’s adorable or terrifying. Then, this rolls into a three and a half minute ad for, possibly, swallowing cum. Look, man… I cannot put it past this movie to not make that connection. I’m not the only one in the gutter, here, people!

Sydney, the lady who wooed Sam into doing the commercial, says the milk company wasn’t so sure about the controversial nature of the ad campaign, so there will be a delay in getting the residuals to do their party. However, after the commercial is completed and shown to the gang, Ron gets shitty about how much skin Sam showed. Need I remind him of this…?

Anyway, Ron’s mother is good at throwing fundraiser parties that bring in up to 3,000 people. She’s got one coming up in San Francisco. She asks if the Village People could possibly come out to sing some of their tunes. Lady, the Village People will be more than happy to come out in San Francisco.

Jack is ecstatic. Sam calls Waits to invite him to San Francisco for the weekend to show him the Village People at the top of their game. This makes Ron break up with Sam because he thinks she is seducing Waits to make some sort of deal for the Village People. Either way, Ron is a piece of shit.

But all this just leads to an overlong scene with Jack and his mother getting on Waits’s private jet instead of Sam. Jack’s mother ends up being a pretty shrewd businesswoman and secures a pretty great deal for the Village People to get an album and merchandising. So, I guess that is resolved? The Village People are going to make records with Waits. Before we get to anything else, we get to see a performance from The Ritchie Family, another Jacques Morali band.

Things get wrapped up pretty damn quickly. Waits has signed the Village People to two records. There’s a whole team now pushing the success of the band. The band is, uh… just the band. They are pawns in this whole thing. Ron apologizes to Sam, and they decide to get married. The band goes on stage to perform “Can’t Stop the Music,” and, yes, of course, San Francisco eats it up.

This movie blows all the ass, and maybe it wanted to? Nah, I’m kidding. This movie sucks. But it’s entertainingly bad. I can’t give this movie any grace for being a fun bad movie, but I can at least say that there are few movies quite as big of a train wreck as Can’t Stop the Music. So, that’s something, right?

Uh… right?

Yeah, I think so. Infamously, as I mentioned earlier, the movie was part of a double feature with Xanadu and that led to the people who started the Razzies to dedicate their lives to piling on movies and take potshots at low-hanging fruit. But if we were to actually take a critical view of this movie, it’s such a bizarre plot and script. It’s supposed to be about the Village People, but it spends more than half the movie spinning its wheels stuck in the mud of the characters that have no real interesting angle to who and what the Village People are. I couldn’t care less about Valerie Perrine’s Sam, or Steve Guttenberg’s Jack, and I especially hated Jenner’s Ron. Why are these people in this movie? Jack? Yes. Maybe Sam if you give her some better connection to how the band gets to where they are. She’s not much more than a groupie who has some connections thanks to her career as a supermodel. That’s… that’s not how the music industry works.

Also, Jack isn’t a producer or promoter. He’s a songwriter. Those are some of the least interesting people in the history of the industry. I mentioned The Monkees earlier. Let’s take another dip into them for a moment. Imagine if their film Head was about Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart instead of about Mickey, Mike, Davy, and Peter. That is NOT a movie I would want to watch. I love the songs of The Monkees. I don’t exactly care who wrote the songs. I just want to hear the songs and see the personalities of the members of the band.

Have I made my point clear enough that this movie is largely about people I don’t care about? I want the Village People, goddammit. Any scene in which the group was at the forefront was infinitely better than the scenes in which Perrine and Guttenberg were goofing around and doing whatever it is they called schtick. When the Y.M.C.A. scene started, I could revel in how absolutely gay that shit was and chuckle over all the bulges and weird dance numbers guys in very tight clothing. As a straight guy, I found all the incredibly gay stuff the Village People were doing and cracking jokes on (i.e. when the Leatherman was getting nervous and chanting that Leathermen don’t get nervous only for the Policeman to say “Oh yes they do” as he passed by) to actually have heart, levity, and fun. This movie needed them to be the main focus because they actually had personalities I gave a shit for.

Alas, this movie falls flat on its face time and time again by shifting the focus away from those guys.

And with that, I can do or say no more. Bad movie, yes, but an endlessly fascinating one that keeps you glued to the movie (almost against your will). Next week, we have another bad movie that is at least fun if not fascinating. We’re going from the incredibly homo-erotic world of the Village People to the macho man world of Chuck Norris when I travel with him back to Vietnam to save those currently listed as Missing in Action.

Until then, I’m suddenly thirsty for a big ol’ thick milkshake. Can’t… I can’t possibly figure out why.