Cool As Ice (1991)

Gather ’round, kiddos. On this Christmas Eve, hear this tale of horror that was unleashed onto the world one day shy of a fortnight before Halloween in the year 1991. Yes, it was said that this creature would stalk only the flyest of small town honeys. It was said you could hear him coming as the wind would whisper:

“Alright stop… Collaborate and listen… Ice is back with my brand new invention.”

It is then, when you realize something will grab a hold of you tightly. It shall flow like a harpoon daily and nightly. Will it ever stop, you wonder… Yo, I don’t know.

You are now in the grasp of Vanilla Ice, and you will be Cool As Ice.

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The Howling: New Moon Rising (1995)

Welcome to the astonishing 300th article of B-Movie Enema!

It’s been a long time getting here. What’s funny is that I think back over the last several years and I could never be able to tell you the movies in order that I’ve covered. If you named a movie, I could easily immediately say, “Yeah, I covered that at some point!” I find it very hard to say even the month in which I covered a movie. It all just feels like a blur.

I could probably rattle off more than half of the movies covered just off the top of my head, but the roughly 27,000 hours I spent watching movies, plus the time it takes to write the articles while watching the movies at least doubles those hours, has been a pleasure. Sure, I’ve seen some good movies, and, yes, I’ve definitely seen my more than fair share of crap. Then, there’s the crap that just takes the shit cake. Not many movies have made it to the utmost upper echelon of films. Similarly, and on the opposite end of the spectrum, for as many not-so-great movies I’ve covered, very few have sunk to the absolute bottom of the barrel.

To celebrate 300 B-Movie Enema articles, I decided to bring the pain. It’s time to crown a new “Worst of All-Time” champion for the site. It’s time for The Howling: New Moon Rising.

Angels and ministers of grace defend us.

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Werewolf (1995)

Wurr-wilf? That’s what B-Movie Enema Industries has on tap this week? You better believe it. It’s “absolutely fascinating”. Werewolf from 1995 is historically known as one of the funniest episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Think about that… One of the funniest episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. That’s really saying something. That’s a series that week after week after week for a solid ten years between two networks, two hosts, different sets of mads was hitting the ball out of the park. There aren’t many episodes aren’t just funny throughout the 100 or so minutes you spend with Mike or Joel and the bots.

When the show returned for the two seasons on Netflix, it still proved to be quite funny with a new host and yet another set of mads.

Anyway, Werewolf was one of the occasional recent movies that show covered. It’s a truly bizarre direct-to-video movie that takes place in Arizona, but is mostly full of foreign actors pretending to be American. Okay, maybe that last part isn’t entirely provable, but it sure seems like they are pretending to be normal ol’ mid 90s Americans. Yes, there are American actors. There’s Richard Lynch who did lots of “my kind” of movies in his career with a bunch of Cannon Films movies on his filmography. There’s that one guy who is basically a proto-Duck Dynasty guy, you know, Joe Estevez. Then there’s that bearded fella that appears in the movie.

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The Invisible Maniac (1990)

Alright… It’s time for a great movie – The Invisible Maniac. When it was revealed to be remade with a modern sensibility dealing with how difficult it is for women to escape abusive relationships and how it could be exasperated by that guy having a suit that makes him invisible!

Wait… This just in. Nurse Disembaudee, my lovely co-host for B-Movie Enema: The Series (currently happening every Saturday evening right here at your favorite website), is handing me a note that says… “Geoff, you dummy, that was The Invisible Man from 2020. This is The Invisible Maniac from 1990. It’s also known as The Invisible Sex Maniac.”

OHHHHH… Gotcha. Okay, well, considering that other title, this is a VERY different type of movie. Maybe I should, you know, change my tone and approach here… and maybe stop recycling gags?

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The Mummy Lives (1993)

Welcome back to B-Movie Enema, you sexy bastards!

You know what else is sexy? Endless, timeless, and reincarnated love. Yeah, I’m getting mushy with you assholes this week. AND I’m doing it real aggressive like by calling you bastards and assholes. Don’t forget I also called you sexy, so… Don’t forget that.

ANYway… This week, we’ve got another Edgar Allen Poe adaptation. This was based on the 1845 satirical short story “Some Words with a Mummy”. Last month, I looked at Lucio Fulci’s take on The Black Cat. This month, I’m gonna look at a movie about a resurrected mummy – that stars, for some reason, Tony Curtis as an Egyptian fella. Eek?

With that said, this week, I’m looking at The Mummy Lives from 1993. This was directed by Gerry O’Hara. O’Hara was a second unit and assistant director for years and worked on some really big deal movies like Cleopatra and Tom Jones. Later, he was his own director, and did a movie called The Bitch starring Joan Collins and written by her sister Jackie Collins. I have no idea about what that movie’s all about the poster has Joan Collins in sexy lingerie and the title is THE BITCH. How can you top that?

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Vampirella (1996)

In 1969 (heh heh), Forrest J. Ackerman, creator of the publication Famous Monsters of Filmland, and artist Trina Robbins created a new superhero of sorts in the shapely form of female vampire from the planet Drakulon named Vampirella. Vampirella’s origin would later be updated to have her become the daughter of Lilith. For those like me who never grew up with religiosity, Lilith was a demonic figure from Biblical Hebrew. She was Adam’s first wife before Eve came along. She’s become quite an icon in Wiccan belief and modern Occultism.

But we’re not here to talk about Lilith. We’re here to talk about her sort of, later, maybe baby daughter Vampirella!

Vampirella’s book was published by Warren Publishing who also published horror mags Eerie and Creepy. While she would feature and headline the comic in her own adventure, the book was actually an anthology. She would host other horror short stories to fill out the rest of the book. She would get various appearances and published by companies over the years and is currently among some of the cult followed figures that get regular appearances in various Dynamite Entertainment books.

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Frankenhooker (1990)

It’s the long awaited return of stone cold babe Patty Mullen and the even longer awaited bow for horror-comedy maestro Frank Henenlotter!

Henenlotter is best known for his Basket Case trilogy along with this week’s B-Movie Enema feature, Frankenhooker. Henenlotter was inspired by the exploitation films of 42nd Street in his home town of New York City. He loved these films growing up and he copied a lot of the camp and the gore of those films while also not passing up the opportunity for a little bit of sex.

After making a third Basket Case movie in the early 90s, he turned his love of the offbeat and oft-forgotten films of 42nd Street and get involved with the new boutique video releasing company Something Weird Video. He set about becoming an expert historian of exploitation and gory horror and was instrumental to the restoration of those long trashed movies of his youth. Shortly after returning, he began making documentaries. Herschell Gordon Lewis: The Godfather of Gore, one of the documentaries he made shortly after returning to film, is a goddamn treat. I recommend that to any fan of schlock filmmakers and movies.

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Blood Games (1990)

In the long history of the “fans of a losing sports team goes on a revenge-fueled murder spree against the winners” genre, none are better than Tanya Rosenberg’s gripping classic from 1990, Blood Games.

In fact, this movie is so perfect, it’s the only movie Tanya Rosenberg ever made. After Blood Games, she was like, “Yup. I did it. I can do no better, and I should not even try. Suck it, Goodfellas. I made the best movie of 1990.”

Or so I imagine she said all that. I really don’t know. It is entirely possible she’s not even a real person. There is no additional information about her that I can find. I don’t even think this Vinegar Syndrome release of the movie even has any special features talking about her. For all I know, Tanya Rosenberg was created in an exploitation movie lab for the sole purpose of making Blood Games.

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