Looks who’s back in this shit saddle again!

Welcome to the 101st B-Movie Enema entry.  After spending the better part of the last, like, three months on hiatus while another project I’m a part of, Film Seizure, was launched and sailed on its own, I’m ready to come back home and begin the next hundred Enemas by returning to my bread and butter: Girls, Slashers, Dumbness, Canadian Horror, and Girl Boobs.

So, that brings us to 2014’s Girl House directed by Trevor Matthews.  And I bring that up because I first saw this movie on one of the Showtime channels called Showtime Women.  They had this bumper before the movie talking about movies made by women for women.  So I thought, “Oh, okay, a lady made this movie.  That might bode well.”  But it is directed by Mr. Matthews, written by Nick Gordon, and produced by Matthews, Gordon, and Cory Neal – a guy who is so much a guy, he has two guy first names as his full name.  It is also shot and edited by guys too.  That’s odd, but maybe the movie is about something that would be geared toward women, that would be…

Fuck, it’s about girls who work on a porno site being stalked by a maladjusted fat asshole.

I don’t know about any women wanting in on this, but I’m 1,000% on board for this.  But yeah, just in case you thought I was being kinda goofy about what this movie is about, here’s just some extra proof from Amazon: “In an attempt to make some extra cash while at College, Kylie moves into a house that streams content to an X-rated website. After a fan hacks in to find the house’s location, she finds herself in a terrifying fight for her life.”  

Alrighty, let’s get back to talkin’ about some shitty movies.  I’ve got my tissues and lotion and a nice cup of hot tea (what – I have a runny nose and my poor hands get super dry during the winter, not to mention I just want to relax with some Earl Grey).  Let’s watch a fat asshole kill some hotties!

So this movie starts with the credits intercut with you signing up for an account on a sex cam site.  Okay, great.  I’m into it.  Not seeing any tits yet, but I’m into it.  I see some simulated sex and masturbation and I’m super into that, but if you’re going to make your movie about this stuff, gimme the goods, dammit!

Oh, but worse, you’re gonna ruin the mood with this shit:

So, what…  You’re gonna make a movie about porn chat chicks and you’re gonna preach to us too?  Yeah, kinda go fuck yourselves.  I mean, sure, maybe you’re trying to say something here, but you made a goddamn movie about porn chat chicks.  Don’t make me, the purveyor of your movie about porn chat chicks, who may or may not be looking for a cheap, cable TV-delivered thrill by flashing some shit about Ted Bundy and his “wisdom” about how violent offenders are all into porn.  That’s not cool, bros.  Not cool at all.

Oh, even better, let’s give an overlong backstory about our killer.  So it’s Alabama in the 80s, and this fat tub of shit kid is being chased by these two bitch girls.  These little bitches corner the fat kid and start asking him if he’s ever kissed a girl before.  The main chick acts as though she’s gonna kiss him, but tricks him by pantsing the poor kid.  She teases that she’ll show him her business if he shows her his ding dong.  And here, I’m kinda weirded out by this.  So the main girl doing the teasing is portrayed super sexual – even going so far as showing her teasingly pulling up her dress a little bit.

This is kinda skeevy.  It’s also the girl who plays Selina Kyle on Gotham (Carmen Bicondova), and yeah, if you want to lust after her now, that’s still kinda skeevy as all the fuck, but she’s 18 now… Okay fine.  But here, she’s certainly not and she’s portrayed as a complete tease.  I dunno.  Skeevy.  But allow me to point to the above picture again…  This movie has already stated that Ted Bundy thinks you’re a fucking psychopath because you’re into porn.  What about having this pretty dirtbaggy scene here at the beginning by having Catwoman teasing both this poor little fat kid and us with her seductively asking to see some dick and kinda tugging a bit at the bottom of her dress?

And yes, I do realize I just spent three fucking paragraphs talking about all this and I’m only 4:37 into this movie.

So the fat kid drops his tighty whities and they make fun of his size.  So, he takes out his revenge on the main tease by causing her to wreck her bike and throwing her off a bridge to her death.  This is a pretty brutal scene and only serves to show us an origin of a killer who has some pretty fucked up ways of dealing with girls.

This sort of thing also really pisses me off.  I do not like origin stories for killers.  Life wouldn’t take time to give you the origin story of some wacko that is out to kill you if that was to happen, so I don’t need it here.  I ESPECIALLY do not like it when the origin story of our killer is brought to us by way of this sort of bullshit sympathy crap.  Oh boo fucking hoo, you fat fuck.  So what some girls laughed at you.  Kids are cruel, you dumb sack of murdering crap.  Little girls can be especially cruel.  Pretty girls can be exceptionally cruel to the fat and/or ugly.  Get over it you dumb fuck.  Okay, maybe she was a cunt, so what?  She’ll get hers without you throwing her off a bridge.

You’ll have no sympathy from me, sir!  No, sir, you will not!

Okay, finally, time for some (non-jailbait) titties!

In the present, we meet Kylie, played by Ali Cobrin.  She wants to earn some extra money for college by becoming a cam girl – as you do when you’re a college girl.  She’s stripping for a chat customer.  She gets completely naked, but we only see her from the back which is a complete bummer if you ask me.  We find out she’s only practicing with her roommate.  I guess Kylie’s mom can’t afford a mortgage and her college so she’s wanting to get on at Girl House, the chat site that gives us our movie’s title.  The roommate doesn’t want her to do this, and probably rightfully so.  I mean, yes, Kylie’s right, Girl House is not porn or stripping.  But, the roommate is also right that it’s opening herself up to all sorts of weirdo from guys watching the site.

But whatever, Kylie wants to show dem tittaes off.

Kylie calls her mom to tell her she’s got a part-time job and moving off campus and she’s getting a scholarship (like a “I’m Showing My Boobies For Boners” scholarship, which is quite prestigious), and calls the Girl House number on a card she got at some point before this movie started.  She’s picked up by the guy who started the site who seems to be quite excited that she has changed her mind.  Yeah, yeah, he exposes all the shit about how no one can find Girl House because it’s untraceable (which sounds like a real bad idea, but what do I know), and that he’s not just some smut peddler, he’s one of the biggest rising entrepreneurs in the country (which sounds… boastful as well as not something she asked to know).

My problem is how he also says he approached her in the quad last spring because he thought she “had something special”.  So, what… He just creeps the quad at colleges looking for babes to put their hooters online?  Yo, bro.  You sound kind of lecherous.  You were really really happy she called and changed her mind.  What is special about Kylie?  I mean, she’s super fucking hot and I would, like, totally kill to see her nipples, but what exactly is that something special?

Kylie meets everyone at the house.  Kat is basically the house mom?  Devon is the main attraction and is kind of snotty at Kylie because she thinks of her as competition.  Janet is, I guess, the dirty talking Asian one?  Heather is the one who fucks loudly.  Then there’s Mia, who is Kat’s girlfriend and there for two girls to make out for hornball sleazes like me.

They all get cozy together and Devon announces it’s time to get naked – which we don’t get to see.  But Kylie gets online for the first time and does a little striptease dance.  And here’s where a big problem presents itself.  Kylie is like an instant superstar.  All she is doing is swaying her hips and looking really, really, really cute.  I don’t feel like that is enough.  Someone chimes in on the chat after she plays around and pulls her shirt down over her shoulders saying they aren’t here for her to tease her shoulders..  I mean, like, no fucking duh.  I’m paying for nudity goddammit!

When she takes off her top and bra, she gets 100% of the viewership for the website, which shows people all over the world watching her dance.  Even the other girls in the house are watching.  The guys in the tech room that helps keep the girls safe and secluded are high fiving each other when Kylie’s tits come out.  But she only shows her boobs (which we DO NOT see for ourselves) and doesn’t even take off her panties.  I guess this girl has like magical, hypnotic dancing powers?  Again, Ali Cobrin is fucking super hot, but… She was sought after by the guy who started the site, watched the world over instantly, and all she did was dance a little in her panties?  If she was shooting ping pong balls out of her asshole or sticking five cucumbers up her snatch, I’d believe it.

Whatever.  It gets the attention of “Loverboy” who is the grown up version of the fat shit that killed Catwoman earlier in the movie.  Also, a high school classmate, Ben, spotted her and his buddy convinces him to go find her at her school and try to hook up with her.  I’m gonna speak from experience here, Benny Boy, you guys might think this is a sweet thing to do to get the girl you loved since high school, but I’m highly dubious of this plan.

Anyway, Loverboy continues to watch Kylie and we learn he’s definitely still a creep.  He’s got this mannequin he seems to pretend is Kylie.  Of course, Loverboy hangs out in a dark room that probably smells bad and just watches Girl House all day.  You know, like a fucking lonely loser.  Because he’s fat and weird.  When Kylie nearly misses her appointment with him, he thinks she stood him up.  She asks if he wants her to get undressed, but he just wants to talk.  She finds out he works in “computers” as in “everything” that has to do with “computers” and it allows him to keep to himself.  All these things are surely wonderful signs of no problems to come.

Also, another great sign of things to come, he decides to send her a picture of himself:

And Kylie responds appropriately:

He then demands her to answer if she still thinks he’s “handsome” after he sent the picture.  She’s confused because there’s no way he should be able to send pictures through the chat, but he persists in his questioning if she thinks he’s handsome.  All these things should be big ol’ red fucking flags that maybe the sexy porn chat thing isn’t a profession you should take lightly as a way to make a little side cash.

Also, be careful who you flirt with in a chat room, ladies.  Cool?  Okay, good talk.  Back to the movie.

Kylie goes on a date with Ben and they seemingly have a lovely time.  They even set up a second date.  Ben tells his buddy he wants to tell Kylie that he knows about the Girl House thing.  Ben’s buddy, who happens to be maybe the smartest man on the planet, says that’s a terrible idea.  Like a really fucking bad idea!  But Ben wants to saying something anyway.

Meanwhile, at work, Loverboy is trying to fix a computer and gets caught looking up a girl’s skirt.  She confronts him and threatens him with sexual harassment.  So he fantasizes about bashing her fucking bitch face in with a crowbar.  Okay, yes, this guy seems a bit weird.  He’s not good looking.  He’s fat.  His real name is mononymous (Slaine).  And his Wikipedia page makes him look like an asshole.  But why does every girl he encounters face-to-face a total cunt bag?  I guess it only shows that he’s pushed to a particular limit so when he starts killin’ hotties at the Girl House it lines up, but what about not having these types of interactions?  Why not have this girl actually be kind to him, but have him think she’s being a bitch to him?  That would be much less lazy.

But I guess that’s not what you were going for, movie.

Ben and Kylie go on their second date.  She mentions how much of a coincidence it is that they hardly knew each other in high school, and, like a total dumb fuck, he tells her it was not a coincidence.  Guess what?  She gets really fucking mad at him.  He tries to white knight her ass out of that line of work, but she rebuffs it and he relents.  And she fucking forgives him for basically setting up the chance to meet with her after seeing her online and trying to talk her out of doing the site.

Goddammit movie…

Ugh…  Cut to Loverboy logging into Girl House looking for Kylie.  Devon blocks him when he demands to know where she is.  Two of the other girls make fun of his chat handle saying it should have been Loserboy.  He then finds that the pic he sent to Kylie is hanging on a board in the hallway of Girl House and mocking him.  The pic was found on the computer when one of the girls who was previously kicked out for being a heroin addict came back and sneaked into Kylie’s room and found it on her computer.  He starts to flip out and begins trying to find the location of the house.  He also fucks with Kylie’s computer showing a blinking “NOT NICE” on her screen.

Somehow, someway Loverboy finds where the tech guys work on the site and kills the dudes there and ties down the guy who started the site and stabs him a few times.  He then activates all the feeds and tells the guy to enjoy the show.  Loverboy does his finest Chuck Connors in Tourist Trap impersonation and enters the house with a whole toolbox of, well, tools.  What kind of tools?  Tools to kill them bitches with, that’s what.  He starts with the addict and strangles her.

Then comes the absolute best scene.  Devon is doing a sexy dance in some super hot red lingerie.  Loverboy sneaks into the room behind her while Ben’s buddy is watching the performance.  He tries to figure out what it is he is seeing, and when he realizes what’s going on, he tries to warn her but she doesn’t take him seriously.  She ends up ending the session with him and he switches to another cam to see her getting attacked.  He shows Ben which gets him concerned, naturally, about Kylie.

In Devon’s room, Loverboy starts to cut her face. He then begins to mutilate her further but cutting off her fingers making it impossible for her to operate her door knob to get out.  Ben’s buddy tries calling 911 but the operator shuts him down by saying if he doesn’t know where she is, then they can’t help.  So, in other words, the operator is basically saying, “Get lost, you fucking loser perv turd.”

Ben leaves to try to help the girls and has his buddy try to hack in to figure out where they are hiding.  Loverboy continues his rampage through the house.  He next kills Heather and her boyfriend by suffocating her by taping her hands to her face so she can get herself free and sawing his head off.  Janet sees Loverboy killing him, so he throws her off the second floor landing.  Loverboy cuts Devon’s feed so she can’t use her nose to type out the address to Girl House.  He then locks Mia in the sauna and turns up the temperature to bake her inside.  She frees herself by breaking the window with one of the coals wrapped in a towel.  She jumps in the pool to soothe her burns and she’s then killed with a croquet mallet.  Kylie sees Loverboy and then realizes something’s totally up.

Ben is desperately trying to get to the area that Kylie goes to school while his buddy still tries to get the location of the house.  Ben finds Kylie’s roommate and they work together to try to figure out where the house is as well.

Loverboy finally kills Janet, who actually survived being tossed off the second floor loft, with some sort of ornamental horn thing.  I’m serious, it was a horn he stabbed her with.  That leaves me to think – where else has that horn been stabbed?  You get what I’m sayin’ right?

Like up a girl’s pussy?

Anyway, Kylie and Kat knock out Loverboy, but Kylie says she won’t leave until they get Devon.  Kat finds a security guard at the front door and Loverboy kills him.  He then hammers Kat’s brains in.  Ben calls the police and they find the house and send the cops, but they won’t tell him where they are going because it is a private property.  Meanwhile, we just see Ben and Kylie’s roommate watching the happenings through the cam feeds.  Kinda like how everyone was watching the dumb web show in Halloween: Resurrection.

The cops say they arrived, but they only found the place where all the technical bullshit happens and where they find the body of the recently dead founder of the site.  But!  Ben’s buddy comes through in a pinch saying he found the location of the actual house by way of… computer science.  So, Ben and Kylie’s roomie rush to the location.

Back at the house, Devon’s killed herself after unsuccessfully begging Kylie to do it.  Devon’s unwilling to live life mutilated so she put her head into a plastic bag and suffocated herself.  Damn, girl really put her mind to that dying business by killing herself in a pretty painful and excruciating way.  Now Kylie is the only one left alive at the house.  She tries to climb over a wall at the edge of the house’s property, but Loverboy catches up with her.  They go running through the woods and back to the house.  Kylie hides herself in a utility room in the basement which Loverboy finds, like, immediately.  This utility room is about the size of the entire nightmare boiler room place in all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies because they go running around in here for a bit longer than you’d think they should.

Kylie, proving she’s not just a super hot girl, but also super smart, she uses a camera to send a message to Loverboy to find her in the basement.  She shuts out all the lights at the fuse box and in a move kind of like a reverse Silence of the Lambs, uses the cam’s night vision to stab him with a broken pool cue.

Buuuut because this is a horror movie, that doesn’t do the full trick and she finds herself being choked by him until she reaches for the camera and bashes his fucking head in with it.  A bunch.

Over and over.

And over again.

Until his face caves in on itself.

So hooray for Kylie!  She wins the movie!  However, she probably is gonna have to tell her mom she worked on a porn site for a short bit.  That’s gonna be a pretty awkward conversation I’m sure.  I’ll also assume that all this psychological trauma is probably not going to do too many wonders for her and Ben’s relationship.  I mean she’s probably always going to connect this nightmare experience of hers to when she met him.  It’s probably going to leave pretty deep scars.  She’ll probably have night terrors.  She’s super likely to not do little sexy stripteases anymore.  I bet she is gonna have some serious hangups with being around other naked girls.  In fact, her entire perspective on sex is gonna be pretty screwy going forward.

Yeah, Ben…  I’m sorry bud, but she’s probably completely nuts now.

You might see this movie listed in your TV guide and read the description, and you’d probably think, “This sounds sexy and maybe even scary!”  But you’d be wrong.  There are some good moments when Loverboy begins his rampage, but that’s really just the last 40 minutes or so of an 100-minute movie.  There are too many missed opportunities in the first hour.  Loverboy is not well constructed as a character.  Like I said, it would have been neat to see that he’s actually well treated by women and he just thinks back to when he was teased.  Then have that connect in some way to the picture the meaner girls at the house hung up of him.  I don’t want to be sympathetic to him at all, and if I’m not going to be that, I don’t want to be the antithesis either.  Kylie and Ben are likable, and Ben’s buddy is actually a saving grace for this movie (I didn’t talk about him much because, well, I didn’t have enough room to).  However, they are lost in a sea of other characters that don’t have enough depth to fill out an a-cup bra.

I’m not sure what that really means, but I know what I’m saying.

There are sexy ladies, yes.  The idea of a house full of webcam girls doing sexy things is enough to make any guy at least semi-hard.  Mixing that with a horror movie is titillating at the least.  However, it kind of comes up short in all ways.  Kylie becomes a background character the moment her and Ben start dating.  She only comes back to being a focal point when she faces off against Loverboy.  Ben is, as I said, likable, but kind of dull.  The girls are nice, but not quite half of them showed nudity which, to be completely honest, kind of neuters the appeal of the movie.  When your entire movie is set in a place where people log in and watch girls get naked, not to have a whole bunch of nudity is problematic to say the least.

And then if you are going to keep things as they are, you needed to have more of a punch when Kylie first appeared.  Otherwise, you’ve really got something silly and undercutting the popularity and legitimacy of your porn site.  I joked that it seemed like Kylie had some sort of hypnotic power to her dancing, but there really wasn’t anything special about it that you couldn’t see for free and not have to pay for on a special site.  Between watching people all over the world tuning in and dropping everything the moment they see her dancing and the control room tracking her all the way up to 100% of the viewership, you almost have to expect to have seen some of those guys’ bow ties spinning uncontrollably or having them turn into Tex Avery wolves or seeing the hardware start to glitch and spark and explode.  Yeah, she’s really, really pretty and sexy, but it’s kind of silly.

But let’s get one more look at it, shall we?

Welp, that pretty much does it for B-Movie Enema #101 as I have said just about all I can say about this fairly dumb and disappointing movie.  How about we get some more Cannon in the house next week?  Yeah?  What about we finally bring Charles Bronson into this business?  Then allow me to make that possible as good ol’ Charlie will put the “ass” into Assassination!  See ya next week, Enemaniacs!