There are movies that are bad. There are movies that are REALLY bad. Then there’s The Apple.
The Apple was Cannon Films co-owner Menahem Golan’s fever dream of a passion project. Right there, you see it? You see the three red flags of that statement? First, Cannon Films. They were the schlock studio of all schlock studios of the 80s. They cranked out movie after movie of fodder that I could cover on this site. In fact, I have! I could very easily load this blog of Cannon articles week after week after week. It is almost unfair to every other movie ever made.
Then you have Menahem Golan. Here’s a guy who is fairly fascinating. He’s not a bad idea guy. He knew how to sell his movies. He knew how to crank out that schlock onto cable, video stores, and movie theaters – all over the world. The problem was that he didn’t have very good, completely well-thought out ideas. He had almost no concept of nuance. Anyone outside the United States is either an enemy or a weak-willed wimp in the face of terrorism. Chuck Norris shows up and kills everything, but, because some of those people he killed were indeed bad guys, he is right. That’s the mindset of Menahem Golan.
Then, there’s the concept of a passion project.
Continue reading “The Apple (1980)”
We have ourselves a treat for this week’s new B-Movie Enema. Savage Weekend is NOT a well liked movie. In fact, David Paulsen’s made-in-1976, sent-to-Cannes-in-1978, released-by-Cannon-in-1980 exploitation horror is so disliked, I think it would be a good idea to see what some of the reviews have been.
First up is TV Guide: “A truly reprehensible exploitation film… Ultra-low budget and shot on grainy color stock, the film is borderline pornography, and the gore effects are extremely gruesome.” I’m not sure what the problem is here, TV Guide. Borderline pornography, gruesome gore effects? Sounds pretty good to me.
Next is Ed Blank from The Pittsburgh Press: “Incoherent and inept.” Eek. What else you have, Mr. Blank? “Sexist in nature featuring female characters who serve no other purpose other than to appear in various stages of undress and back up against walls and trees so they can be slain or tied up.” Again, what’s the issue here? Hmmm… Let’s try one more.
From Joe Baltake of the Philadelphia Daily News: “[Nicky, the gay character] is the foulest movie character of recent memory, enough to set gay rights activism back several decades… It’s still not clear to me whether Paulsen wanted to make a soft-core porno film, a horror movie, or a combination of both. It’s not clear because he’s failed at all three.”
Okay, that last one was pretty funny.
Continue reading “Savage Weekend (1980)”
Cannon Films… You son of a bitch!
It’s been a bit, Cannon. How have you been, you ol’ salty dog? Way back at the start of February, we went on a Hospital Massacre together. I thought I said something wrong to not see you for a while, but here you are to help me wrap up the year. You’d have almost thought that last week’s Christmas Evil would have been one of yours, but you have a much, much worse mov… er evil – New Year’s Evil!
Oh man… For about 3 years, I’ve wanted to talk about New Year’s Evil. It’s actually a movie I enjoy watching at the end of the year. Is it because it’s good? Nah. It’s because it’s actually really dumb and kind of pointless. But it’s a good mindless numbness I need as Christmas is over and the new year approaches. Continue reading “New Year’s Evil (1980)”
You know what I haven’t had in a while? The sudden urge to kill myself out of utter desperation.
Er… I mean a Cannon Films movie. I… Um. That’s what’s I meant. Uh… Anyway, one thing that you can definitely say about the Cannon gurus Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus is that they sure think they know what people want. In the example of X-Ray (aka Hospital Massacre), they assumed we all wanted a slasher film in a hospital with a hot babe.
Their assumptions were right, but we also kind of want some sort of story that makes sense. Is that here in this movie? No? Yes? Not really? Continue reading “X-Ray (aka Hospital Massacre, 1982)”
Ah Cannon Films, how I’m glad to be back in your warm embrace.
And what’s this? It’s a Charles Bronson picture this time? Oh boy. I’m ready to see some people get their fucking teeth kicked in by a geriatric!
I’ve covered lots of Cannon Films on this blog, but I’ve only covered a couple movies from their big Chuck duo – Charles Bronson and Chuck Norris. Those two previous films, The Delta Force and Firewalker, both belong to Chuck Norris. It was often said, as a bit of an inside thing, that the Cannon Films casting often looked at whatever goofy movie Golan and Globus wanted to make and then separated them into the two Chuck piles. Some were better for Chuck Norris’ skill set while others were better for Bronson. I’m guessing the movies that needed a more mobile action star who might be able to be more hands on with dishing out justice to punks went to Norris. Then the ones that seemed more suitable for a Clint Eastwood type went to Bronson. After all, by the time Bronson started making tons of Cannon Films, he was in his 50s and seemed much older than Norris anyway. Continue reading “Assassination (1987)”
Holy shit… This is the 100th post for B-Movie Enema. Yowzers. How am I going to celebrate?
I’ve already looked at one Captain America movie way back in May 2016. So why am I double dipping? Because Cap is my A-1 Super Guy. He fights for freedom and awesomeness.
And also… America. Fuckin’ pure America. Pure like Budweiser changing their name to America. Continue reading “Captain America (1990)”
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of the most beloved horror movies of the modern era. It’s full of intensity, actual terrifying moments, and visceral violence that stays with you for years after you watch it. It came out in 1974 during the golden age of exploitation horror before the genre was essentially taken over by the slasher genre that Halloween gave birth to in the late 70s.
The film also boasts that it has connections to real life events. Well… Sort of. Leatherface was inspired by Ed Gein who was a real life serial killer who did indeed take skin from his victims and started making a skin suit. There are some minor plot details that also came from the Gein case, but that was all in Wisconsin, not Texas. Continue reading “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)”
Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned that this might be one of the very worst span of four weeks during one summer movie slate ever? It started with July’s Jaws: The Revenge and Superman IV: The Quest of Peace, and now ends with one of the more spectacular Cannon Films failures, Masters of the Universe.
The origin of how this movie came about takes root from the Mattel smash toy hit of the same name. Trust me, when I was little, everyone had He-Man toys. We’d walk around and ask each other if they want to play “He-Mans” and usually had our figures in tow at all times. We fucking loved this shit. What’s funny is that the toys were super cheaply made. For the most part, every figure had the same overly muscular body spray-painted different colors with different heads and different accessories or attachments. When you have a bunch of of the very same body for every male figure, it makes production costs quite a bit lower and gives you much more of a profit when these things sold like crazy hotcakes. Continue reading “Masters of the Universe (1987)”