45 years ago today, the fourth of the Planet of the Apes movies was released to theaters – Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.
By this point, 20th Century Fox knew they had a marketable franchise. They hit it big in 1968 with the original Planet of the Apes that created a world where apes were king and men were not much more than beasts of burden. There are three main things remembered from the first film: 1) the original reveal of the gorillas hunting down humans in a cornfield, 2) “Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”, and 3) the end reveal that Taylor (Charlton Heston) had only time traveled to the future of Earth and not to a distant planet. Continue reading “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)” →
Fuck this movie right in the ball sack.
No. No, I suppose I should try to be professional about this. I shouldn’t just leave it with the incredibly aggressive opening salvo I gave this article. Instead I should try to be a little more grown up about it.
Have sexual intercourse with this motion picture unto its testicle bag, also know as its scrotum. Continue reading “King Kong Lives (1986)” →
Is there anything better than a man in a monkey suit?
Well, probably, but in an old movie, well… Yeah, I guess there are still things better than a man in a monkey suit. However! It’s still pretty great. As is Lon Chaney, Jr. who was the Wolf Man. Not to mention this also stars Raymond Burr who not once, but twice faced Godzilla and lived to tell the tale. He was also Perry Mason. I love me some Perry Mason.
Top billed, though, is Barbara Payton. She has a story all her own about being drop dead gorgeous, who could make it in movies with her looks, but also had little real talent. She died only about 15 years after the release of this movie after her life spiraled out of control and into booze, a horrifically violent relationship, and even prostitution. She did write a tell-all book about her sorrowful life called I Am Not Ashamed. Continue reading “Bride of the Gorilla (1951)” →
Let’s take a trip to the beach in this swingin’ 60s teenage romp!
Starring Tommy Kirk, Deborah Walley, Nancy Sinatra, with classic horror stars Basil Rathbone and Boris Karloff, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini raises a few questions. First, I wonder what Karloff and Rathbone’s asking prices were. Second, are we going to see the titular ghost’s tits? Finally, how bad is this movie gonna suck balls?
I mean, is the invisible bikini like… Is it a ghost too? Did the girl die and then, in an unrelated accident, the bikini died too? So the bikini is also a ghost? Or… or maybe, just maybe, the bikini is made out of a fabric that is invisible too? Maybe the girl died, like by being murdered by a real bad guy? And he chopped her up and only kept the bikini top and bottom bits so it’s not so much that the bikini itself is invisible, but that the ghost doesn’t have those bits because the crazy guy kept those bits of her body? I mean, if you go cuckoo bananas and chop up a girl, those would be the parts you’d keep right? Like, the best parts? Continue reading “The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966)” →