Happy Thanksgiving weekend, Enemaniacs! I’ve got a bit of a feast for you for this week’s B-Movie Enema review.

In the early 80s, there were a couple of phenomena going on. The first was the re-emergence of the sword and sorcery or sword and sandal movies. That was mostly due to the popularity of 1982’s Conan the Barbarian but I would also count 1981’s Clash of the Titans as also being an inspiration for the genre of fantasy action films. The other big phenomenon was the adventure sci-fi genre thanks to the huge success of 1977’s Star Wars and 1980’s The Empire Strikes Back.

If you really think about it, Star Wars isn’t really science fiction. More accurately, it would be called space opera. That means it’s a little more fantasy than true science fiction. Star Trek is the more true action science fiction type of movie where it both features some action and adventure but also tackles other concepts that are more sci-fi in nature. The advancements made in special effects also made for movies that could feature more lasers and spaceships and different types of creatures, though maybe the last one would be more due to advancements in makeup effects and artistry. That brings us to this week’s topic, 1983’s Krull.

Now… I could talk about how this was one of the few movies that Kenneth Marshall was in, despite being a pretty a fairly successful stage actor. I could say that this was the first film role for then-19-year-old English model and actress Lysette Anthony. I could talk about how both Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane appear in this movie as members of a troupe of bandits that assist Ken Marshall’s Colwyn in this movie. Sure, I could talk about those things, but I’d rather talk about what my six-year-old brain thought about whenever I saw commercials or posters for this movie…

This movie has a bitchin’ weapon.

Yeah. Most people who know anything about Krull know this has that really cool ass five-pointed weapon that was sort of a throwing star but also boomeranged back to Colwyn when he used it. Goddamn, it’s fucking cool. It’s so fucking cool, it has a name – the Glaive. The Glaive can cut through things, it can shoot shit out of each end of the five points, and it can cut through Slayers with relative ease. By the way, Slayers are your cannon fodder army guys of the main bad guy, The Beast. I wanted a Glaive of my own. I wanted to walk into second grade with that thing and tell people to eat my shit and leave me be. If not… they got the Glaive.

Speaking of the main monster, The Beast, he’s right there on the cover of the DVD box. He’s all over the trailer. He steals Lysette Anthony’s Lyssa so he can marry her and I guess be a king or some such shit. He’s a major part of this movie. He’s big. He’s got a monster face. He commands an alien army. You’d think he would usually be pretty memorable as a movie bad guy, right? Not when there’s the fucking five-pointed, magic, blade that can also shoot lasers, motherfuckin’ Glaive!

We’ll be coming back around to the Glaive in a bit. I do want to talk about who the director of Krull is, Peter Yates. Yates was a British director who ended up making a few very popular movies. In 1968, he made Bullitt starring Steve McQueen. It is not only a well-made neo-noir film, but it has one of the greatest chase scenes ever filmed. In 1977, he made The Deep, based on Jaws author Peter Benchley’s novel, which earned over $100 million at the box office. In 1979, Yates made one of the greatest movies ever about Bloomington, Indiana – Breaking Away. He was nominated for Best Director and Best Picture for that film. He made Eyewitness starring William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver in 1981. Along with Krull, 1983 also brought The Dresser which earned Yates two more Oscar nominations for Best Director and Best Picture.

Yates was a big deal. Not all of his movies were successful or well-liked by critics. That said, he had just enough hits in his filmography that he was able to establish his own distinct styles as a director within various genres. The first of those styles is what he used for thrillers and action films. Those normally dealt with a humanistic perspective. The other was much more sentimental which he used to focus on dilemmas dealt with by the characters, especially in dramas and coming-of-age films.

Krull is not one of his more successful ventures either at the box office or with critics. While the movie’s special effects were usually praised, most didn’t care much for the plot and just found it kind of silly. In the years since the film did gain a lot of fans and became a little bit of a cult hit. It did get some re-evaluation in the 2010s. While there are still some issues that pepper the film, it’s now looked at as a very ambitious movie that was only failed by limited scope. So, let’s dig in and see what we think of it in the year of our Glaive 2023.

If you don’t think the makers of this movie realized how important the Glaive was to the entire marketing scheme of this movie, just take a look at how the title of the movie appears on screen to much orchestral fanfare.

This movie really did try with its whole ass to be a big-budget box office hit. You have space credits. You have a spaceship that comes to the planet of Krull. You have James Horner music that has echoes of his marvelous Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan score. I’m sure I’ll be highlighting the aliens, the Beast, and the various other creatures that inhabit this movie.

That said… I do have one critique upfront. The credits have this incredible upbeat Horner score. Instead of letting that triumphant theme over a starfield with credits, the movie kind of begins. The beginning of the film involves the arrival of our monster, The Beast. The Beast and his alien Slayers arrive in a big, rocky, mountain-like spaceship. So, you might think, watching these early parts of the movie, that this rocky spaceship is the arrival of our lead hero, played by Ken Marshall. That’s not really how you want to start your movie. The audience will be confused about what’s coming to the planet Krull.

Let’s use Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan again. In the scenes in which Khan, using the USS Reliant, is approaching or chasing the USS Enterprise, there’s an ominous theme playing. When the Enterprise is launching, or when the credits run, the more heroic and triumphant theme is played. When the Enterprise battled the Reliant and did that nifty move to creep up behind the Reliant to permanently disable the ship and for Kirk to ultimately win (at the cost of his best friend, Spock). What you don’t do is play uncertain, ominous, or scary music in those scenes. Whenever the focus is on Khan or the Reliant, you don’t play the lighter theme associated with the heroes.

I guess Krull decided to just say fuck all that and played the heroic theme for when the bad guys arrive.

Alright, so the Beast’s fortress landed on Krull in a mostly uninhabited place. The place barfs out the Slayers, who look a lot like they borrowed all their suits of armor from Excalibur. A narrator tells us that the Slayers will basically flood the villages and kill and maim everyone they can. The Beast will essentially bleed the world dry and, I dunno, suck the resources out of it and take off. That sounds like something a sci-fi monster would do. Meanwhile, there is another prophecy that is at play here. There’s a tale told of a Princess (Lysette Anthony’s Lyssa) who will marry a man and, together, they will birth a son who will rule the galaxy.

Lyssa begs her father to make a treaty with another group on the planet. This group and Lyssa’s people really do not get along. Actually, really, it’s Lyssa’s father and the king of the other people who don’t get along. She says to solidify the treaty and the union of the two kingdoms of Krull, she’ll marry that other guy’s son, Prince Colwyn (Ken Marshall). It’s her choice and she has chosen. Additionally, to be quite frank, the Beast’s Slayers have already ravaged the lands and this might be the only chance they have to save themselves.

I do give this movie credit that it just did a whole lotta legwork in only about seven minutes of time. Krull is invaded. Lyssa has already made a plan to marry the other kingdom’s prince to stave off the invasion of Slayers. Those Slayers, by the way, have already caused a lot of damage. It’s maybe not what a really good movie would do by condensing a lot of action into just a few minutes’ worth of runtime, but it works, I suppose. In other words, if you’ve seen Star Wars, you are primed to know what needs to happen in this movie to make it go.

I can’t argue that Marshall and Anthony aren’t a good-looking pair. I can agree with both sides saying they have chosen well. Anyway, the two kings put aside their horseshit and agree to dissolve their kingdoms to be led and ruled by their children. The union is just a tad too late, though. As the wedding takes place, but before it is completed, the Slayers attack. They mess up the combined Krull army. The Slayers then injure Colwyn and take off with a kidnapped Lyssa.

At this point, it’s like we’ve already reached the end of the second act. Princess Lyssa is gone. Pretty much everyone except for Colwyn is dead. That also includes both kings of the two kingdoms. It’s pretty bleak.

The next morning, an old man rides to the castle. He removes a necklace from Colwyn’s father’s neck. That necklace has a pendant on it that features our Holy Father, the Glaive. The old man, Ynyr (Freddie Jones), nurses Colwyn’s wound and heals him. Ynyr is from the mountains and a bit of a hermit. He’s nicknamed the “Old One” (or, as I like to call him Oldie One Kenopey). Oldie One tells Colwyn that Lyssa is in the Black Mountain, which is the name of the Beast’s ship. Colwyn says he will find help along the way to the Black Mountain.

However, Oldie One says that it isn’t going to be so easy once he gets to the Mountain. He won’t just face the deadly Slayers. He’ll face the Beast, their boss. It’s gonna be tough. No one who has ever seen the Beast and lived to tell about it. Oldie One says that the Glaive will be the only thing that can defeat the Beast.

Where’s the Glaive? Well, it’s on top of a tall mountain way the fuck over there. It isn’t just lying around waiting for anyone to grab it. It requires “the right man” to retrieve it. Oldie One can’t say for sure if Colwyn is the right man. Colwyn makes his way up the mountain and tells Oldie One that if can retrieve it, he’ll be back. Oldie One retorts that if he can’t retrieve it, he won’t be back.

So begins the trials. It’s not just a tall mountain with a pretty steep rock face. It’s got a portion where rocks will tumble toward him to make him fall. However, it does turn out that Colwyn is the right man to retrieve the Glaive – which is under a fiery hot goopy goo that he must reach into to get it.

I do like that Colwyn goes to retrieve this almighty weapon despite that he doesn’t really believe it’s real or useful. As he says, he needs men with swords, not a symbol. Typically, I kind of buy that too. That said, this is a fantasy and there is something to be said about symbols in both fantasy and in real life. Symbols are good to rally around. With the right amount of belief or faith, a wielder of a symbol can gather a force for good.

I guess I’m just basically saying the same thing that Oldie One is saying to Colwyn.

Meanwhile, Lyssa meets the Beast. She is in a room that looks like an eye. The Beast says that she was brought here for a wedding. She is going to choose him as her King. She doesn’t see the face of the Beast. But she does see some gross, undulating flesh.

The first person to join Colwyn and Oldie One is Ergo the Magician. Ergo literally falls from the sky as Colwyn and Oldie One are beside a small pool next to a waterfall when a ball of fire flies in and lands in the water. That turns into Ergo. Ergo isn’t a very good magician. As Oldie One says, he’s not able to do any real harm. Ergo attempts to turn Colwyn into a goose, but his spell backfires and only turns himself into that goose. At first, Ergo declines Colwyn’s offer to travel with him. He changes his mind when he sees an ogrish cyclops.

Soon, our trip meets a group of nine thieves and fighters. Among these men are Torquil, Kegan (Liam Neeson), Rhun (Robbie Coltrane), Oswyn, Bardolph, Menno, Darro, Nennog, and Quain. Colwyn convinces the leader Torquil to join him. However, it’s a hard sell. These guys are scoundrels. They really only do things for profit. Well, how about freedom and fame for profit? Some of them do have children, and if they aren’t successful in defeating the Beast and the Slayers, those children will be slain. When Colwyn produces a key to unlock the remaining bracelets that were part of their shackles when they were prisoners, Torquil agrees to be Colwyn’s army.

That ogrish cyclops that Ergo saw earlier eventually becomes the final member of Colwyn’s army. He’s Rell. He’s one of the more memorable things about Krull. He’s not a monster like Ergo thinks he is. He’s kind, and he kicks ass. he does so by tossing a large trident at bad guys. It may not be a Glaive, but a trident is a pretty good weapon.

There is something that the Beast’s fortress can do that I’ve yet to mention. It has the ability to teleport around the planet. When it originally arrived, it landed in a desert-like landscape. After capturing Lyssa, it teleported to a northern, snowy location. There is one person on Krull who might have some idea of where the fortress is and where it might go next – the Emerald Seer.

The Seer agrees to seek out the fortress. Just when they are about to learn the location of the Black Fortress, the Beast destroys the emerald the Seer was using to see. The Seer says the Beast does not like curious seers looking in on his location. There is one place they can go where the Beast cannot reach them – the Emerald Temple. This temple is in the swamp, which is a pretty treacherous landscape.

Bad news, though, for our weary travelers. Slayers wait to ambush the group. Rell joins in on the fight and is able to help the group fight off the Slayers. However, two of our heroes are lost in the battle. The first is Darro, who is killed by a Slayer. The second is Menno, who dies in the quicksand.

Now, one thing that must be commented on here… There has been no Glaive shenanigans. Yeah. What gives? Isn’t this whole movie being sold on this bitchin’ ass five-pointed weapon? Well, yes, but here’s the deal with the Glaive. When Colwyn came down from the mountain, he wanted to toss that motherfucker around. You know, as you would when you get yourself a new toy as cool as that. However, Oldie One told him to only use it when he needed it. Now was not the time to be throwing it. Olds are always there to ruin the fun of the younger generations.

Lest we forget about Princess Lyssa, and the very pretty Lysette Anthony, we cut back to her occasionally to see her running around the inside of the Black Fortress. She is told by the Beast that she is free to go anywhere in the fortress she wants, but she is to never leave. However, that kind of seems not true. Each time she runs into a different room, her path is blocked by Slayers. Anyway, she does eventually run into a room where she sees the giant eye of the Beast.

Back with our heroes, someone impersonating the Seer attacks and kills the original. This impersonator is a shapeshifting agent of the Beast. Just as the impersonator is about to make a dead man out of Colwyn, Rell is there to see through the disguise and attacks the shapeshifter with his trident and Colwyn finishes off the imposter with a dagger.

While the Seer may be lost to Colwyn’s group, not all is lost. Oldie One says there is one other creature who can reveal to them the location of the Black Fortress – the Widow of the Web. Torquil says that the creature will never give him information. It will only give him death. Oldie One says that she will not kill him for he knows her real name. He says that everyone has already risked and sacrificed a lot for this journey. He must now do the same.

They ride beyond the swamp and into a forest. Oldie One gets to a point where he says that he must continue alone. If anyone else joined him, they both would be killed. He stands a better chance alone. He departs saying that if he does not return by morning, they will know his fate.

As Oldie One continues his journey to the Widow of the Web, the rest of the men dine. An unusually pretty wench serves Colwyn some food. This is a trap. The Beast has employed another shapeshifter to try to seduce Colwyn. This is for the benefit of Lyssa to convince her that Colwyn doesn’t love her so she might just as well marry him instead of the good-looking man. He even assumes the form of Colwyn to try to win her over.

Lyssa tells him no dice, so the Beast shows her what is going on in the woods with Colwyn and the Beast’s agent. When Colwyn rejects the shapeshifter, she even stops killing the King because she has fallen in love with him for realsies. Lyssa’s faith in love is restored and she tells the Beast that he will be defeated.

The Beast comes up with a counteroffer – marry him and he’ll call off all the Slayers’ attacks.

Meanwhile, Oldie One arrives at the Widow of the Web’s, uh, web to speak with her. She tells him to approach and he has to traverse the web to get to her. Now, biology quiz time… What are the advantages of a spider spinning a web? One, the little monster makes it his home. Two, he uses it as a place to capture and store food. Three, it’s a communication device. Yup… When a bug (or another spider for that matter) traipses on the web, it creates vibrations that the spider feels and is able to quickly pounce on the potential meal. That’s what’s happening here and we get an awesome stop-motion, crystal spider!

This movie is trying hard. Not just to trigger my arachnophobia hardcore. It’s wanting to be so much more than just a shitty fantasy film with a hit-or-miss plot. It’s doing everything it can to make a cyclops look cool, to make a Beast a really icky and scary bad guy, to give him a pretty cool-looking army, and to make an awesome spider monster.

Oldie One manages to buy himself a little bit of time to reach the Widow of the Web by speaking her real name, “Lyssa”. She and Oldie One were once lovers. They had a son, but she killed him when he was born. For doing so, she was banished to the web. She agrees to share where the Black Fortress will appear tomorrow, but Oldie One will not be able to escape the web. However, the Widow agrees to sacrifice herself for the young Queen who shares her name.

The Widow gives Oldie One the sands of her enchanted hourglass. As long as he holds the sand, the giant spider will not attack him. However, when the sand runs out, he will die. Meanwhile, there is no longer protection for the Widow as the hourglass kept her safe too. The spider attacks the Widow and devours her.

Oldie One is able to return to the others before his sand runs out. He tells them the Black Fortress will appear in the Iron Desert from sunrise the next day until sunrise the following day. He collapses in Colwyn’s arms and tells the young King to use his power wisely. He dies.

This is a really good sequence. Not only do you have the bitchin’ spider, you have Oldie One’s sad story of his lost love and the son he never knew they had who was also lost to him ages ago. Then, you have the revelation that the Princess with the “Ancient” name from the opening narration is connected to his own past. His request that Colwyn use his power wisely is a good final moment before his own ancient life is lost forever.

There is a little bit of a problem, though. The Black Fortress is going to appear in the Iron Desert, and soon. That’s great they know where to go as they are now completely out of people who will be able to divine that information. The Iron Desert is 1,000 leagues from where they currently are. They must capture these wild horses called Fire Mares.

Once the crew manages to mount the beasts that can make the great distance in the time allotted to them, Rell reveals he must stay behind. You see, the Beast made the cyclops. But it was a trick. The deal the cyclops thought they were making was they would give up one of their eyes for the ability to see the future. However, the only future they were allowed to see was their own deaths. It’s time for Rell’s end. He bids his companions farewell and the rest ride out for the Black Fortress. They arrive just before the next dawn and the next teleport the fortress will make.

The Slayers are prepared to fight off the heroes to prevent them from entering the fortress before sunrise. Surprisingly, Rell defies his fate to help his friends get into the fortress by holding open the doors to give them passage. Unfortunately, Rell is too late to prevent Ruhn from being killed by the Slayers. Rell would sacrifice himself by being crushed by the doors of the craft, but not before the heroes get inside.

More sacrifices are made as the heroes make their way through the fortress. Kegan, Quain, and Nennog are killed. The crew ultimately gets separated. Some are led down a passageway under the floor. Others are trapped in a dome inside the fortress. Colwyn knows there is one place he must go alone – the Beast’s throne room. When he gets to the room, it seems to have no entrance. You know what time it is…

Fuckin’ Glaive Time!

Look at Colwyn. He’s fuckin’ feeling this. He knows he just unholstered one of the all-time great weapons in movie history. Sure, it may have taken us 100 minutes to finally get to Glaive action, but here we are. It’s time to show off what it can do. What it can do is spin and spin and spin until it cracks that place Lyssa is being kept like a fuckin’ egg.

At this point, I don’t so much care about what is going on with the rest of our heroes. Sure, Torquil, Oswyn, and Bardolph are in a room with a bunch of spikes. That room is maybe sentient because it tricks Bardolph into fetching his knife so it can stab him with those spikes in the wall. Ergo is currently in the form of a tiger so he can eat Slayers. He’s currently with Titch, the young apprentice/ward of the Emerald Seer. They’re just kind of roaming about some corridors.

Nah, what I’m mostly into for this final stretch of Krull are the nasty-looking monster that is The Beast, the holy weapon of amazeballs, the Glaive, and the pretty people who are Colwyn and Lyssa. That’s really what’s taking center stage here. Lyssa says that Colwyn might have some troubles with the Beast because he’s pretty darn powerful as it is, but even more so in the center of his fortress. I… Sure. Whatever.

The Glaive does have some ability to cut the Beast as it attacks. Colwyn’s power over the weapon seems to be just as powerful as the Beast’s power in his fortress. Colwyn sticks the Glaive right into the Beast’s chest, seemingly killing the monster. However, Colwyn cannot call the Glaive back to him. It’s lodged in too deep. Colwyn tries to retrieve the Glaive directly from the Beast’s body, but the Beast awakens and forces Colwyn and Lyssa to run away.

Colwyn realizes that without the Glaive, he’s got no way to fight the Beast. Lyssa says it isn’t the Glaive, it’s him. I mean, that’s bullshit. The Glaive is the greatest fucking thing since a lightsaber appeared on the screen, but whatever, lady. Colwyn says it’s not him, it’s the both of them. Together, the Beast cannot defeat them. Okay, sure, whatever, dude. They complete their wedding vows, which, apparently, on Krull, gives them superhero fire powers that Colwyn then manipulates to destroy the Beast.

That’s cool and all… I still prefer to think that the Glaive sticking out of the Beast’s chest is really what destroyed him, not “true love” or whatever the fuck. Call me cynical, but what good is true love when you have a Glaive at your side?

Whatever, anyway, the fortress begins to crumble and destroy itself. Apparently, Ergo got injured at some point along the way because Titch says he’s going to stay with him until the end and the tiger he’s currently taking the form of looks pretty badly injured on the leg. But it’s all good. Colwyn, Lyssa, Ergo, Titch, Oswyn, and Torquil do manage to escape. The Black Fortress is sucked up into orbit and will never bother anyone ever again. The movie ends with a reminder of the legend that Colwyn and Lyssa’s child will rule the galaxy.

The Glaive was not recovered and there is no indication of where it might have gone. That is for another generation to find and defeat a great evil.

This now leads us to a big question: Is Krull a good movie? Well, as with all things, yes and no. To a certain group of people, mainly those of us in our mid-40s to early 50s, I’d say we probably have some pretty deep nostalgia for the movie. It was a PG-rated film and definitely had a lot of stuff in it that appealed to kids at that time. The Glaive, the evil monster, the simple hero’s tale, a beautiful princess, a cyclops… It’s got a lot of shit we like. It was exciting and had a fun atmosphere to it that didn’t seem to take itself overly seriously.

I think the one thing that should be always noted about this movie, and something I don’t think took a lot of flack in its day was the production design and the quality of the look and some of the visuals. The Beast was a neat concept and looked pretty good. I think there is some confusion over how big the dude was or what his powerset is, but it still works as a movie monster villain. At the very least, the Beast is clearly an imposing thing. The makeup on the film was great. Sure, some of the shots did look like it was on a sound stage instead of being on location somewhere, but I’ll let that get wrapped up in the fantasy genre. Generally speaking, it’s a fun movie and it’s a very well-made film.

I do not think the movie is perfect. In fact, it’s very flawed. The movie does a lot of good stuff by having a Tolkien feel to the gathering of a rag-tag group of heroes. However, there’s a LOT of ins and outs about this world. A lot of stuff has to be told through exposition-heavy dialog. Like what cyclops were and why they existed or Oldie One being this supposedly ancient and wise person… These are things that are just kind of told to us and we have to accept them. We don’t really learn these things from the characters themselves who are simply talked about instead of showing us what they are. Krull really has this feel of something that should have either been a trilogy or a part one/part two situation to let us world-build and discover things about the various characters. The first five minutes of the actual movie are loaded with a lot of stuff that had happened but we didn’t see. We’re tossed right into the deal Lyssa wants to make to save Krull. I guess the Slayers going around and wiping out whole villages is a way to get around the fact that Krull mostly feels like an empty planet occupied only by the characters we actually see with our own eyes.

A double-edged sword in this movie is the action. Clearly, Krull wanted to feature elements of fantasy and science fiction. Why wouldn’t it want that? However, it is also very old-timey in how it portrays that action. It’s labeled a swashbuckler. That’s fair because it’s clear that Ken Marshall was to play Colwyn almost like an Errol Flynn type of character. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s something I like to see in movies. The problem was that the movie felt modern in how it looked, but very outdated in the way it was telling its story and making things exciting.

That alone can make this movie play very differently from one viewer to the next. Some like that high-flying, swashbuckling style. Others might find it passé or kind of lame. I think the reevaluation Krull received over the last ten years is accurate. It’s ambitious. It had a lot of neat ideas. It had a lot of cool things that made it into the movie. It just didn’t quite pull everything off. If you ask me, though, I do think this movie is fairly decent and a fun way to spend a couple hours.

Alright, boys and girls, this week is in the books. Next time, I’ve got an oddity. In 1920, one of the most influential films in all of horror was released. Of course, I’m referring to the German expressionism classic The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. 70 years later, an avant-garde, erotic horror remake was released. Join me as I take a look at Stephen Sayadian’s 1989 version of Dr. Caligari!