Welcome back to B-Movie Enema and the continuation of the Amazon Jail saga with Conrado Sanchez’s Amazon Jail 2!

This month, we’ve got a set of releases from Vinegar Syndrome in 2023. We looked at the first film of the Amazon Jail duology last week. We finish that up this week and move on to some more fun next week. We’re going to be able to get right into the movie very quickly because these movies are wildly obscure so there’s not much of note I can really dive into in the background.

I will follow up on what I discussed for a short bit last week and say this comes from the later days of the Mouth of Garbage exploitation movement in Brazil. That began in the 70s out of Sao Paulo and tackled sex comedies for the most part as well as horror and action films. By this time, a regime change in Brazil led to the loosening of censorship in cinema so porno films began to be produced by the time Amazon Jail 2 was released.

Get this… Conrado Sanchez, the director of this sequel in name only, was nearing the end of his career as a director, but, in 1985, he made a film called The Girl and Horse. Now, I don’t want to make assumptions, but the poster for the film sure does look like it’s a movie about a woman who fucks a horse. Don’t want to believe it? Here’s that poster.

Now… Look… I know there are people who love their animals. I love my cats. They keep me company. Trust me… I have a lot of very lonely days and nights. They keep me company. But in all those situations of people loving their animals and pets and in my situation that I love my two cats, that’s not… how do I put this… fucking them. That girl is in a bed with satin sheets. She’s naked. That horse is there. She is nuzzling with the horse.

She fucked that horse.

Anyway, let’s get into his movie and see what actresses are fucking what animals. Surprisingly, we start in the Amazon. I know, right? Who would have thought? Whenever I see aerial shots of the Amazon, I always want to hear Riz Ortani’s haunting Cannibal Holocaust theme. Alas, I just have to deal with the visuals here. anyway, we start with a fire on a beach and a guy with several women doing some sort of tribal dance or performance or something.

Nothing says “sequel in name only” like having a completely different vibe right out of the gates.

I thought for sure this dance with the bongo players was some sort of tourist thing, but, no. It’s like a real tribal thing. So now I’m thinking I SHOULD have gotten that haunting Cannibal Holocaust theme. You’ll not believe what happens next, though… Guys run up from the left side of the frame and just start stealin’ girls. The guys try to fight back but they get machetes to the fuckin’ guts. Like… I’m not kidding. Those guys just showed up out of nowhere and snagged women and ran off with them like they were shoplifting watermelons from the local Walmart.

But then we get these two…

There’s a lot going on in the picture above. First off, “Arrive Alive” is a decorative plate on the front of the car. Is that a safety belt PSA on the front of the car? Second, I mean… That’s a little person with a big person. Did the crew just watch Smokey and the Bandit and decide they needed their own version of Big Enos and Little Enos? Even if these are the worst of the worst bad guys, I’m a fan.

I think Big Enos and Little Enos are here to see a couple guys. One of those guys has a large pet spider. In Brazil, that could be a tarantula or it could be a goliath birdeater. Anyway, Big Enos asks the guys if they have a good plane. The slimmer of the two pilots, the guy who does not have a giant pet spider, says they have a pretty good plane. Big Enos throws a map at them and says they must fly this exact path, they have to transport merchandise that he will not say what it is, and if anyone finds out what they are doing, he will inflict a pain onto them that is worse than a thousand tarantula bites.

As he says that, the larger fella who has that pet spider he’s named Charlotte notices that his spider is on the lap of Big Enos. Big Enos, to prove he is not to be fucked with not only says he will serve the two pilots as food for his friend “The Giant” (Little Enos), who is bloodthirsty and, apparently, a cannibal and the pilots’ lives will be as insignificant as the big fella’s giant pet spider.

He then eats the spider.

This movie is coming out of the gates at a 12 out of 10. This is insane. We have ladies being stolen right from a tribal dance performance thing. Then we get Big Enos and Little Enos. Big Enos wants a plane. Says if the pilots piss him off, he’ll feed them to Little Enos, who, if made nervous, will crush them down into a small pile of shit, and then eats a live giant tarantula to prove he means business. This isn’t even approximating normal. Big Enos acts like the type of tough guy who would have shown up on Saturday afternoon wrestling programs when I was a kid. He’d have all this big bark and then do something fucking insane to prove he’s got the bite too.

But everyone in this movie is shot out of a cannon. The pilots arrive at this field where they are meeting with a couple guys who just drove up in a truck. The larger fella gets out of the plane to greet the people they are meeting and one of the guys in the truck with a 5 o’clock shadow that looks either like a silent movie era hobo or a cartoon character, throws the big guy back into the plane, tells him to shut the fuck up, and says they are taking off right now so he better get the engines started.

What’s in the back of the truck these guys are toting when they meet the pilots? The stolen girls from the beginning of the movie. The driver of the truck calls these girls lazy Indians, bitches, and all sorts of other things. He loads them into the plane where the guy in desperate need of a shave, named The Fox, will keep them company… with a shotgun. The two pilots aren’t so sure about what they are being asked to do.

Big Enos and Little Enos are driving to their next destination. And… heh… Just… Okay, think about what we have here in this movie. We have a pair of pilots, we have kidnapped native girls, we have sex traffickers, we have a little person, and we have a guy with hobo stubble. Just think on what we’ve already seen and then try to imagine what the next character we’re going to see will be.

If you guessed a Japanese guy in traditional garb complete with a samurai sword, then holy fucking shit you’re like the Amazing Kreskin or something. It’s not just that we have a samurai in our Brazilian Amazon women in prison flick, we have an actual Japanese-style building in the middle of Brazil. This guy is apparently named the honorable Ling Ling. That’s not a Japanese-sounding name. I’m guessing the Brazilians have no care for getting it right between Japanese and Chinese people.

Big Enos and Little Enos steal girls and then sell them to Ling Ling. When then has clientele who uses them for entertainment, if you catch my drift. However, I think I see where this movie is about to take a turn. The larger pilot fella, the friendlier of the two (we’ll call him Bluto from this point forward because he does kind of look like Bluto), has been making eyes with one of the native girls. He goes back to chat her up, but the Fox is none too pleased by this. He draws a knife and says if Bluto doesn’t mind his own business, he’s gonna gut him. The girls come to Bluto’s aid and try to get the knife from the Fox. The other pilot (I’ll be referring to him as Adam from here on out because he’s got an Adam Scott look to him) tips the plane to help the girls get leverage on the Fox. Bluto says this is more fun than any amusement park, and friendlier.

Now… apparently this does nothing to try to rid themselves of the Fox. We see that they’ve landed, and the Fox is guiding the women out of the plane and to the next guy who is meeting them to pick them up and take them to Ling Ling. The girls, again, attack. One of them got the Fox’s knife and pulls it on him when she’s brought outside the plane. The other guy knocks it out of her hand, but that leads to another wrestling match with half the girls fighting the Fox and the other half fighting the other guy. It somehow gets back to Little Enos who tells Big Enos that there is a problem and the girls are not arriving just before Big Enos and Ling Ling finalize the deal to purchase the girls.

Again, I guess this isn’t that big of a deal that the girls tried to fight off the sex traffickers because the next time we see them, they are captured again and Adam and Bluto (whose actual names in this movie are Chris and Chubby, respectively, but it’s more fun to use the other names I came up with) are tied up. Adam slips his hands through the rope around his wrists and he knocks the guy who came in to get the native girls to go dance for the Fox. Adam finds some dynamite and plans a little fireworks show. The native girl that Adam likes, distracts the Fox with a sexy striptease until Adam busts in and blows the Fox’s little shack up with dynamite. He and Bluto rescue the girl and she begs them to help save her three friends.

Bluto unties the other women and as they escape, he runs into a guard. Bluto pulls out a small switchblade, but the other guy reveals he has a machete. After sizing up the guy’s advantage, Bluto just punches him out and our two pilot heroes and four sexy native girls are on the run. We learn that the Fox has not been blown up. Instead, he has that classic blackened face from soot like in cartoons. Elsewhere, Big Enos tells Little Enos that he’s pissed off at both the Fox and the two pilots. So, here we go, what stands to be the remaining 50 minutes’ worth of plot: Adam and Bluto are going to be leading the girls through the jungle with the Fox chasing after them and Big Enos chasing after both Fox and the pilots.

While trekking through the wilderness, we learn there is more to the Amazon than bad guys chasing after people. There are scary snakes and big ol birds like parrots and such. Apparently, the native women are very kind to all the animals and know how to handle them without being harmed. Bluto is scared by two lion cubs… Waitaminute… Lions? In the Amazon? No. The animals used look an awful lot like lion cubs. But lions are exclusive to Africa. It’s possible they are being called lions in the dub, but are actually pumas. Those are native to the Amazon and can look a little like lion cubs.

Anyway… I’m getting lost in the details here of this batshit movie. It’s important to understand that the only thing about this movie that has anything to do with the original is the sex trafficking thing. There is no resemblance between these two movies. You can almost say there’s little resemblance between the first hour of Amazon Jail and the final thirty minutes of that same film. Amazon Jail 2 obviously had a different title. Its original title, translated from Portuguese, was Prisoners of the Amazon Jungle. I guess that’s close enough to Amazon Jail 2, but I get the impression that the vast majority of the rest of the film will be in this jungle. So, yes, they are prisoners of that jungle.

The stark difference is that this comes across as much more of a comedy adventure than an action thriller. Our two pilot heroes played by Franklin Magal (Chris) and Javert Monteiro (Chubby) are almost like a comedy duo and this is just the next movie in their comedy series. Magal is the good-looking one who can play the hero and the straight man while Monteiro is the comic relief who’s kind of tubby and kind of clumsy and kind of always looking for a snack or a meal. If they were in more movies together playing these two archetypes, it would not surprise me one bit. However, while Magal and Monteiro spend every scene basically together, they very rarely interact with one another. It’s a crazy pairing because these two characters feel like they are dropped into this one from two completely different movies. Plus, Magal looks irritated to be in this movie while Monteiero is just having a good time. You don’t get to be kind of tubby like him without having a good time in your life. Trust me. I’m kind of tubby and I’ve had so many good times, it would make your balls explode.

There were also a lot of jokes in the entire scene between Big Enos and Ling Ling. Ling Ling laments about how there’s nothing for the Japanese to get in on crime-wise because all the other nationalities have gobbled up the big moneymakers. There’s a point where both Big Enos and Ling Ling are insisting one walk ahead and it just comes off as they are overly polite despite being nasty criminals. When the deal is ruined between Big Enos and Ling Ling, you would have almost expected a “womp womp womp” stinger when Ling Ling tears up the check he planned to give to Big Enos for the girls. It’s a comedy. In fact, it is probably more accurate to call it a farce in its conception. There is even one scene in which the girls take turns smacking Chubby’s ass… for no reason. They are supposed to be escaping from sex traffickers. Why are they stopping to do this?

The girls constantly tease Bluto throughout this movie. They flirt with him, then one of them will kiss him and then run away, etc. Again, these people are trying to escape dangerous, hardened, criminalistic sex traffickers. Why do they spend time playing these games of teasing Bluto and then running away and letting him chase them? I can tell you the exact reason…

This movie only has about 35 minutes of story and they need to get it to 75 minutes.

It’s easy to get a little more time under its belt when one of the girls teasing Bluto runs so far away from him that she ends up doubling back and running into the Fox and the sex traffickers. That then leads to them chasing her that somehow puts them right in the near vicinity of where Adam, Bluto, and the native girls are. Thankfully, another native girl leads the Fox into a trap where he gets his face all scratched up by a jaguar.

There’s not much of anything to this movie. We then have a series of comedy quickies one after the other. Adam has a monkey climbing all over him. It grabs one of the sticks of dynamite he has and plays with it. Then, we see that a giant tarantula is crawling on the Fox’s asshole which causes him to run off freaking out like a cartoon character. Then back to Adam and Bluto and Bluto recognizes the dynamite is about to explode so, what does he do? He sits on it. We then hear a rumble and he puffs smoke out of his mouth. You get it? It exploded on his butthole and the smoke went up and out of his mouth.

This movie kind of sucks, man. It’s hardly a movie. All of the grit and grime and the sleaze of the first Amazon Jail is completely missing. This is just a farce. It’s almost a parody of Amazon Jail of sorts. That movie had a plot. Sure, it was kind of thin and the characters, at times, were portrayed differently from one scene to the next, but there was something going on there. We knew that the bad guys set up a whole scheme to lure women to this place with a promise of a job and money and whatnot only for them to be tossed into a bamboo jail and sold off to rich horny guys. Some girls were fine with accepting that fate and others weren’t. There was a sympathetic guy there who falls in love with one of the captured girls and helps free them. There’s something there.

This? This movie has nothing like that. This is just the flimsiest of plots with two pilots hired to transport girls who were stolen from their native tribe and then they help them escape and get chased through probably the same small patch of Amazon jungle scene after scene after scene. There really don’t seem to be any significant stakes involved in this movie. It’s mostly shenanigans with this kind of tubby guy getting whippings and flirtatious teases from the girls.

I mean… Yeah this is exploitation but it’s the bottom of the barrel kind. It’s not out of the ordinary for exploitation to have comedic fun in them or be straight comedies. Hell, the greatest form of exploitation in the 80s was the boner comedy. But this isn’t nearly as interesting as any of those.

There is finally some kind of a plot forming when two of the girls begin to vie for Adam’s affections. There’s the main girl that caught his eye originally. She’s the one that he saved from the Fox with the dynamite. There’s another girl who is much more forward with him and even tells him she’s in love with him. But that passes almost as quickly as it was introduced. The Fox catches up with our heroes and tries taking one girl hostage but because he’s a complete moron they fall into the lagoon. Adam then tosses another stick of dynamite in his direction and, once again, he has that sooty black face cartoon thing as he exclaims that this is bullshit.

I agree, Mr. Fox. I agree.

Adam beats the hell out of Fox and they get away again. Our main native girl, played by the incredibly lovely Vanessa Alves, confronts Adam and says she’s jealous because she saw him kissing the other girl. He says that was just a thing and that she is the one that he really loves. That wins her over and they make out. She gets mad at the other girl again for distracting Adam. This eventually leads to a girl fight in the river/lagoon over him.

But that doesn’t mean there isn’t some super bullshit before that girl fight and afterward. Before the fight, our main girl sneaks up on Bluto and lights a stick of dynamite that he has in his hand and then flings it over to two of the native girls just chilling off to the side. They throw it toward Adam who is taking a shit who flings it over to the girl that our main girl wants to beat up who then flings it to Bluto. He tries that sitting on it again to blow smoke out his mouth, but it doesn’t explode. He stands up and asks if it will ever explode. It blows up in his face. Smash cut to the girl fight. After the girl fight, Adam is cuddled up with yet another of the native girls and suddenly a machete flies in and sticks in the tree next to them. He’s like, “Time to go…” and they run off.

Bullshit. This movie is 95% bullshit.

They get captured again, and Big Enos makes a new deal with Ling Ling but, once again, they escape. This time Big Enos tries keeping the money but that pisses Ling Ling off and there’s a fast-motion, Benny Hill-style chase. Big Enos gets cornered and Ling Ling is about to run him through with his samurai sword, but Big Enos remembers that he’s got a gun in his pocket and he shoots the samurai dead like he’s Indiana Jones. He then breaks the motherfucking fourth wall to say, “I’ve seen this in a movie before… Haven’t you?”

Bullshit. This movie is 95… NO! This movie is 100% bullshit.

Our heroes find a boat docked along the river. Instead of asking the old man captain of the boat, Adam asks one of the girls to distract him so he can knock him out. They steal the fucking boat instead of just asking for his help. That’s not how you do a hero. Anyway, somehow, Fox catches up with the boat in a smaller, less powerful boat… fuck.

Whatever, man. I just want these last 15 minutes to end before I decide to end myself. This movie is among the worst of the worst when it comes to this blog. Is this Pot Zombies bad? Or After School Massacre bad? I don’t know if it’s as bad as those two all-time stinkers. It’s got barely more of a plot than something like The Howling: New Moon Rising. But it can be in the conversation with all of those as some of the worst shit ever watched for this blog. To take a quote from Roger Ebert, this movie is a horrible experience of unbearable length.

This is just shenanigans followed up by more shenanigans followed by Fox chasing after them followed by Fox getting some dynamite from Adam. It does that time and time and time and time again. Okay, sure there are scenes in which we get shenanigans from Big Enos and Ling Ling but that’s hardly any better when they get dropped into the movie in between shenanigans with Fox and our heroes.

I get this is basically a cartoon. However, it’s not even a good representation of what zaniness would be in a cartoon. This movie ostensibly had a writer. However, it’s not on fucking IMDb that it does and that seems more likely than it having one. This isn’t really a movie. It’s just four girls in native clothing, a fat guy, a hero that looks pissed the fuck off that he has to do anything for this movie, and a goofball bad guy chasing them. That’s it. They probably went out to the Amazon, got together in a huddle, and the director, this fucker Conrado Sanchez, said, “I’m just going to let the camera run. Do some bullshit and you’ll get your five bucks for the day.” Then, the production eventually ran out of money and what was shot was cobbled together and shat out into Brazilian theaters where no one gave two fucks about it.

It’s been quite some time since I hated a movie this badly. The big climax to the movie finds Fox capturing the main babe, apparently the Indian Princess of the foursome, and holding off Adam and the others when one of Fox’s goons uses a flamethrower to keep everyone back. We have to watch Adam gather the other girls and Bluto as the princess yells for the man she loves to save her. That’s fucked. This movie fucks. It’s ass. It’s big sloppy pile of dookie.

Yes, I know Adam returns to save the princess from Big Enos and Little Enos and he beats up Fox, but after 71 minutes of bullfuck, I finally get something that I legitimately laughed at…

Adam tells Big Enos to leave the girl alone. Big Enos decides to give up the girl trafficking business and go into real estate. But Adam is a vindictive motherfucker. He may be getting the girl back but he is going to make Big Enos pay. He lights his last stick of dynamite and tosses it to Big Enos. He explodes. Like… not like Fox did the whole time, but like a big ass explosion. Big Enos is fucking dead. Adam and the princess declare their love for each other and literally go skipping off into the sunset. The final minutes of the movie are more of the tribal dance we saw at the beginning.

This movie can suck my balls and eat my ass. I cannot wait to be done with this review. I don’t think I need to say anything more. If you bought this two-pack from Vinegar Syndrome, you’re getting your money’s worth from the first film. The second movie will make you want to punch your dear old mother’s puppy in the dick.

Fuck.

Whatever, next week promises to be more appropriately batshit when I review John Liu’s Ninja in the Claws of the C.I.A. Join me here for that, and let’s all wash ourselves clean from this fucky disaster of a movie.