And a new challenger steps into the ring at B-Movie Enema!

Welcome to a new review and… woof. 1976’s Queen Kong is pretty bad. Pret-ty pret-ty bad. For those who have, somehow, followed me for years as I keep punching myself in my own dick time and again on this blog, you know I got pretty upset around 1986’s King Kong Lives. The reason why I loathed that movie is that I sincerely love the 1976 version of King Kong. In fact, it’s my favorite version. It’s the one I saw so many times when I was growing up. To have a sequel kind of dumps all over the sad ending of that movie. King Kong Lives felt especially hurtful because it was the same guy producing that as the 1976 King Kong and it felt like a kind of cheap follow-up to Godzilla 1985.

Now, when it comes to Queen Kong, this week’s movie, we have a whoooole different story. This is just a deeply bad movie. I can’t even be mad at it. It’s that kind of bad. But… Notice this movie is dated 1976. In a way, this is one of the first instances of a mockbuster. It was well-publicized that Dino De Laurentiis was making a new King Kong film. So British filmmakers decided to slip out ahead of it with a parody. It’s a little exploitation. It’s a little sex comedy. It’s all farce. So, in that, there’s a tiny bit of charm to this very bad movie. I’m not sure if it’s as fun as, say, A*P*E when it comes to bad movies you can watch with your buddies and a case of cheap beer, but there’s charm.

But Queen Kong takes a little more interesting turn. De Laurentiis and RKO knew of this production, so they sued to shut it down. This forced the film never to appear in theaters in the UK or the US. It was forced to only see release in Italy and Germany. It was much, much later that it found its way to DVD. However, when it made its way over to Japan, it became a cult classic. In 1998, some Japanese comedians created a brand new dialogue track for the film to further lean into the farce of the movie. However, this dubbing was similar to Woody Allen’s hilarious What’s Up, Tiger Lily? which was a parody dubbing of a Japanese spy film. If you’ve not seen What’s Up, Tiger Lily? check that out.

Anyway, I have to believe Queen Kong is one of the first mockbusters. They knew King Kong was coming so they tried to hit the perfect timing to have fun with it. How parody works best is when it is perfectly timed. Airplane arrived while the iron was still fairly hot on the Airport films and even Saturday Night Fever. It also helped back when films had longer legs or it wasn’t so easy to just rent the movie and watch it at home. I feel like that’s kind of why the parodies that came in the late 90s and 00s weren’t as successful in recapturing the parody magic the earlier ones did. When legs got shorter on film releases and home video and cable became more dominant, films didn’t stay in the popular zeitgeist as long as they used to. So by the time the parodies came along, the jokes had already come and gone and the movies making fun of those same things were stale as hell.

Can’t you tell I’m trying to find anything else to talk about than Queen Kong?

I kid. I want to set the stage that while this movie is quite bad as I will try to explain during the course of this review, it’s not one to be angry about. It’s a silly pre-parody which makes it mostly a mockbuster. The main question is that while there is an explanation behind its badness and there is a certain charm to it, is it truly one of the worst of the movies covered here on B-Movie Enema? So with that question… Let’s do it and try to find out. Let’s suck the teet of our lady Kong for the next few thousand words and close out Quly on the best possible foot, shall we?

The movie feels like it’s starting off on a thrilling or scary foot with a man being chased through a jungle. Who is he being chased by? Sexy ladies. Fuck yeah, Enemaniacs! He’s got leopard-skin-wearin’ beauties on his tail. Man, if I had a nickel for every time I had that happen to me. Anyway, We get that impression for just a little more than a minute that maybe, just maybe, this movie might take itself seriously. Then we see what happens when they catch the guy…

Bring out the comically large cauldron to cook the guy like it’s some sort of Loony Tunes cartoon!

In actuality, this is a film production… I mean in the movie, they are making a movie at the start of this movie. So a big deal with Queen Kong is that all the genders are swapped in some sort of ultra-woke, feminazi, M-SHE-U, or whatever other bullshit online fuck-knocker noise people on YouTube say. Yeah, that’s the joke here. The actor who is filming this movie is a primadonna and the entirety of the film crew is female. The director, Luce Habit, is a ball-bustin’ artiste who wants to replace this whiny, effeminate man with a real man. Her agent says that men are weak and soft. There isn’t one who can take the rigors of a Luce Habit film.

And, yes, this is taking a lot of these things directly from the 1933 version of King Kong. Luce is Carl Denham. Her movies are well-appreciated and highly praised by critics. However, she says her hand is kind of forced and is in need of a love interest for this picture. That was part of Denham’s reason for taking Ann Darrow on before he headed out for the island. Interestingly, it was also a little bit of meta-commentary from co-director Merian C. Cooper whose nature pictures were highly praised but were always knocked a little bit for having no romance in the movie. So, yes, Luce Habit is heavily referencing the original King Kong and that’s not a terrible idea. Sadly, it’s kind of the rest of the movie that is a terrible idea.

You know what’s not a terrible idea, though? The tunes from this movie. The movie’s title theme song blares its way through the credits as Luce arrives in London to find her real man to star as her love interest in her newest film.

And that leads us to Luce discovering… sigh… Ray Fay. But, again, I do give the movie some credit for directly parodying King Kong. Ray is caught stealing at a market. When he smiles and Luce sees his sparkling, toothy grin, she knows she’s found her leading man. She’s also charmed by his shenanigans with stealing a toffee apple and then later pulling over a table and feining injury to distract a shop owner to steal an original King Kong poster. The shop owner chases him through the market and tackles Ray into a bunch of crates of oranges. Luce pays the shop owner for the poster, pays for the wrecked oranges, and takes Ray with her to a cafe.

There, Ray tries to bum a joint off some other youngsters at the cafe. It should be pointed out that Ray Fay is kind of effeminate and kind of earns that “fay” last name as he’s portrayed as more femme with longer hair and less manly expression. As he tries to score a joint, she drugs Ray’s drink to make him pass out. She bags him up and takes him to her boat, the Liberated Lady. There, the ladies who work on the ship sing another jaunty tune about the boat.

For some reason, between the theme song during the credits and “The Liberated Lady”, Queen Kong does not go back to the well for any more songs. They could have made this into a musical comedy. Instead, they have two fun songs, and then just dump the concept.

But don’t worry, the movie follows the high point that this “The Liberated Lady” with some seriously dumb, and racist, shit. Out come three black women, all dressed like, I dunno, the Chiquita Banana lady, and they chant “Oonga coonga boon-ga” while Luce explains that where they headed to is a part of Africa so remote that no Englishman has ever stepped foot into it. Now, they refer to this as Lazanga Where They Do the Konga. They only refer to the place as that full title. I fucking hate it.

As the girls keep pointing toward their home and say, “Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong Kong!” Luce says that these girls aren’t saying anything of significance because she can speak, sigh, “oonga boonga”. Ray suggests maybe they aren’t saying something six words long, but instead saying “Kong” six times. I guess Ray isn’t that much of a total himbo after all.

Anyway, I think it is REALLY important to understand nothing, not a single thing, is done in this movie without trying to serve as a joke. Every line is a joke. Every visual is a joke. Every second of this movie is a goddamn joke. Yes, the great parodies from the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker team would layer joke upon joke, but oftentimes, the best of those jokes were layering visual gags with spoken jokes or figuring out a way to spatially separate the jokes so that each time you watch the movie, you might catch something new. This movie is mostly using written jokes that go on just a bit too long, mugging at the camera, and constant quipping. It’s tiring. It’s hard to watch this movie and not want to feel secondhand embarrassment for the people involved with this movie.

Speaking of jokes that go on for too long AND happen for no reason… When they spot the island of Lazanga (NO, I am not going to be using the full bullshit joke name for the island), the native guide girls point again and warn of Kong (I’m also circumventing this fucking thing too), and then they scream and jump off the boat. What’s in the ocean? Sharks. What year is this? 1976. What was the biggest movie of all time at this time? Jaws. Yup, they shoehorn a Jaws joke in at this point when they start playing a near-replica of John Williams’ iconic score, and the native girls get attacked by a shark.

Now, not only does the shark attack itself go on for too long, but there’s an extra element that makes me want to punch myself in right the dick. The Williams Jaws Theme is diegetic to the scene. Ray hears the music and says he knows that tune. Instead of snapping his fingers, and saying it’s from that shark movie, he just keeps saying he can’t think of what he knows that music from. Meanwhile, Luce says the music is good but you can’t dance to it (another terribly dated joke by this time too), and she finds the music nice. She doesn’t offer anything else. These fucking assholes on the boat just keep going on about how you can dance to the Jaws Theme while we hear the girls get attacked. But after about five years of this joke going on and on and on, we finally get the punctuation to the scene… Remember, this shit is all gender-swapped so we need to see that they are also making a feminist version of Jaws.

Fucking Christ I hate this movie.

I know I spent a lot of time earlier saying I couldn’t be all that mad at this movie. Sure, I can say it’s a very bad movie, but it was an obvious attempt to make a little hay off of the upcoming King Kong film. I think I even kind of alluded to the idea that maybe this being one of the earliest examples of a mockbuster makes this movie charming. Fuck that. This movie is absolute balls. It’s alligator balls. It’s donkey shit. I like the idea of a gender-swapped parody of King Kong. I think it could work. But these jokes are so bad, so lame, and so embarrassingly stupid, I just want to slit my own throat.

I guess if I don’t say something positive, or try to reiterate what I do think is positive, it will likely just be the word “Fuck” six thousand times until I finally decide I’ve said it enough and publish this review. So, let’s review… There is a concept here that can work. The gender-swapping, the songs we heard in the first ten minutes of the movie, and well, let’s be frank, the eye candy for those who like the ladies, is pretty damn nice. Even though she is a ballbuster, Luce has a sexy look to her. The crew of her boat is nothing short of smoking hot. The island girls are quite hot, most definitely including their queen, who is only named Queen of the Nabongas, played by Valerie Leon.

Leon would go on to be in the following year’s Bond film, The Spy Who Loved Me. I’m positive there is a kind of funny parallel to run with having all this gender-swapping going on and being certain to make sure that every single woman in this movie is drop-dead gorgeous. Like, that was purposeful, right? Like, it’s part of the joke? Like, we’re supposed to understand that we’re still ogling women while they are in positions of power within the scope of this movie? Right? Am I understanding this incredibly shallow movie correctly? Eh…

I am going to tell my kids that the above was Amidala, Queen of the Nabongas whenever I’m asked about the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy.

Anyway, so in Lazanga, the roles are reversed. The girls do all the main stuff on the island. The guys are househusbands and clean the house, take care of the children, etc. When the film crew arrives, they spot a giant chair with “Queen Kong” written on it and a giant table where this Queen Kong will be dining. They do this whole ritual to offer up a husband for Kong, and it turns out to be a scrawny and ugly old guy. As the crew watches on, the Queen of the Nabongas spots Ray and wants to bargain for him. Luce refuses and the Queen refuses to allow Luce to film the sacrifice. So, that night, the Queen takes some islanders to the boat, and they kidnap Ray.

While Ray was indeed kidnapped, he’s such an idiot that he doesn’t understand that it’s a bad thing. He’s partying with the women of Lazanga. And they are partying hard. They have dances. They do all sorts of stuff wearing very little clothing. I can’t lie that I wouldn’t enjoy being in the middle of this. Things take a turn when they put Ray into the ceremonial layered cake to serve up to Kong. Luce arrives with her girls to save Ray, but before they can do anything, Kong has come to claim her prize.

I will say, Queen Kong doesn’t look too bad for this movie’s budget. It’s, like, no fucking duh, a guy in a suit, but it could have looked a whole lot worse. That’s all I’m saying. I’ve not suffered incredible head trauma and suddenly decided this movie’s big monkey looks like some Peter Jackson shit. Look, I don’t have to explain myself to you, okay?

It’s better than the dinosaur she fights.

There is one visual joke thing when Luce and her ladies go on the trail to save Ray from Queen Kong that I like. They come across a man-eating rose bush. However, it’s not really like your typical Venus Flytrap type of thing. Instead, it’s a plant that has two fingers. It’s always trying to pinch butts and boobs. That’s kind of funny.

And I kind of like that Queen Kong defeats the big scary goofy dinosaur by kicking him in the nuts.

The next monster to threaten Ray is a pterodactyl. It swoops in to try to steal Ray. So Queen Kong fights another dinosaur. That’s two dinosaurs now. Got anything else? Is there a giant tiger or something you can have fight Kong? Got a giant spider? No? Not even a giant snake? Shit. Okay, have Kong fight two dinosaurs.

After successfully fighting off the pterodactyl, Luce and her girls arrive to save Ray and they do so by total accident. Kong picks up the tree they are all on and tosses them into the lagoon under her home. Shortly thereafter, Ray accidentally falls from his perch into the lagoon too where Luce and the girls are already so they can help save him and run away back to The Liberated Lady. I guess this movie is only 83 minutes. You can’t be fuckin’ around with this escape because we gotta get Queen Kong to England eventually.

You know what? I have one more thing I will give one more tip of the cap to this movie. Rula Lenska who plays Luce Habit, is not phoning this shit in. She’s putting her whole ass into this movie. She’s consistent throughout this movie. She’s got fairly decent timing even if her jokes are bad. She also has a pretty great line just before the movie transitions to London. They’ve knocked Queen Kong out with gas bombs. Triumphant, Luce says, “You might have been queen of the jungle, but in London, half the men you meet are queens!”

That’s a great line.

The movie then goes back to spinning its wheels for a bit. Luce is producing a big event to reveal Queen Kong to the world. There’s a running gag about Ray being poorly media-trained and confusing his prepared statements as a response to questions. There are multiple moments that are broken up by other moments in this scene where a guy tells Luce and Ray they must force Queen Kong to wear a bra and panties for decency’s sake. I know what the joke is, okay? I know it’s British and they are allergic to bare tits or whatever, but for fuck’s sake. It’s fine to have the gag, but it’s another thing to carry that joke for longer than it has any damn use. You make the joke. You then move on. Maybe revisit the absurdity of the joke when Kong is revealed to the world and she has a comically large polka dot bikini on or something.

In fact, the entire Queen Kong reveal show is overlong. They have Ray and Luce arriving. They have the bit about her being indecent without wearing a bra and panties. They have a stand-up comedian opening for the event. They have a band playing the Queen Kong theme again. Then Luce and Ray come out to speak to the crowd which includes Luce publicly saying she wants Ray to marry her. Then they have to do the tribal dance for Kong. It’s tooooooo looooooong. You can tell this movie was written exceptionally quickly because scenes are long to fill out the movie. It also helps budget if you have multiple things happen all in one location, you can film it all across a very long (and probably suicide-inducing) day of shooting.

With the audience gawking and laughing, plus seeing Ray dancing with Luce, Queen Kong gets pissed off and busts free from her chains. When Luce tries to pull Ray to safety, he says he doesn’t want to go with her. He wants to be with the woman of his dreams, Kong. I… I don’t even know what the joke is there. I guess it’s the subversion of the expectation that Ray would love Luce. Wh-why do I even bother?

Why even try to explain any of the jokes in this movie? This movie is damn near unreviewable. You have to watch the movie to see and hear the jokes fall flat on its hairy ape ass. There’s little to no point in trying to describe all that really goes on outside of the broad strokes. Also, my “broad strokes” comment is a better joke using a pun for women and feminism than this movie could fart out after eating a Crave Case of White Castles.

I opened this whole article by saying “A new challenger steps into the ring” because it’s been a while since I covered a movie that really belongs in the bargain basement of B-Movie Enema flicks. Throughout the history of the blog, I’ve survived movies like The Howling: New Moon Rising. I’ve made it through, albeit in a very bad mood, Pot Zombies. I very nearly aborted After School Massacre but completed it anyway. The Beckoning should have been called The Shitening. My point is that I’ve seen some shit. Queen Kong is shit. But it’s fair on both sides of the divide to give it leniency because it’s just a bonkers parody AS WELL AS be harsh on it because it is so bad and so unfunny that it goes all the way around the scale to be the total opposite of comedy. I said this isn’t like A*P*E where you could watch it on a bad movie night with your friends. At least A*P*E has the giant monkey giving the finger to the military. Queen Kong has dated jokes. It doesn’t know how to edit itself. And it’s just a big mixing bowl full of various kinds of turds.

Do you get it yet? It’s shitty? Have I driven that point home yet?

So Queen Kong is rampaging through London seeking Ray. Ray wants to go to her because he thinks Kong is the only one who ever loved him for who he was. In the middle of this rampage, the movie stops dead in its tracks to have Luce and Ray fighting over his desire to leave and follow the passengers of an airplane flight that ultimately crashes into Queen Kong. I bring up the airplane thing and have the clip above because there is this nun singing who is played by Linda Hayden. Hayden was a beauty in films of the 70s. She was in two all-time great British horror films, Taste the Blood of Dracula and The Blood on Satan’s Claw. I have no idea why she would be in this outside of maybe being able to chuckle at the fact that she is in this shitbag movie.

Anyway, the plane crashes into Kong and then lands in a building and I guess everyone died.

Kong eventually finds Ray and she basically saves him from Luce manhandling him. Ray suggests Kong climb up Big Ben. While she’s up there, helicopters and planes attack. After convincing Kong to put down a helicopter she caught, he uses the public announcement system on the copter to beg the authorities to not attack Kong. After all, to attack Kong is attacking women the way the patriarchy has attacked women throughout history. He makes this grand gesture standing up for feminism which rallies women all across London to picket and call for Kong to be let go and left alone.

But you know what the problem is with that?

Yeah. It’s Ray who organizes this. I know Ray is intended to be the damsel in distress in this movie, but if the big turning point of this movie is to rally women to come together and rally for feminist rights and equality, it really shouldn’t have been Ray to make the impassioned speech on the behalf of women and Queen Kong. It would have made more sense for Luce to have a change of heart to call for this to save both Kong and Ray. If everything was truly gender-swapped, a smarter movie would have had Ray being subjugated as a male in a female-dominated society. When you set that up from the very beginning to have Luce being so dominant and the first guy we see be a total primadonna and the second guy we see be a complete himbo, you should stick with that role reversal all the way through. The movie fumbles that bag hard when they return to London and men are the authoritative figures.

I’m not crazy, am I? You understand what I’m saying, right? You can’t just cast off your concept like that. I feel like it was cast away because, again, this movie was probably written either VERY quickly or while they were on set filming the accursed thing. The ideas were so half-baked that they never really see anything all the way through. The Queen of the Nabongas comes back to London with Luce, Ray, and Kong, and she’s just part of the big Queen Kong Show. She’s not royalty anymore? That’s fine by her? Holy shit this movie…

This movie is bad! While it isn’t as bad as some of those other all-time bad flicks I listed earlier, it’s bad. It could have benefited from a lot of things, not least of which would be not being made. I should not have chosen this to be the finale of Quly, but here we are. Anyway… thank fucking Christ we’re done with Queen Kong. I can’t think about this movie anymore. So, I won’t.

Instead, I will think about what’s on the horizon. Tomorrow night, on the newest episode of B-Movie Enema: The Series, it’s Eurospy action as we watch Lindsay Shonteff’s The Second Best Secret Agent in the Whole Wide World. Check the interwebs for that. Next week, the new review returns to the genre of science fiction. That worked out really well for The Quiet Earth last week. Hopefully the same will be the case as I dive deep into 1979’s Ravagers. Be sure to join us for that in seven short days!