Welcome to B-Movie Enema, and let’s all say goodbye together to 2024.

I’m sure by now, people have made the final decision if 2024 was good, bad, or meh. I’m also guessing we’ve already made the determination that 2025 has to be better, right? Well, to send Old Man 2024 out, I figured it was high time to talk about the 1980 sci-fi comedy Galaxina.

Now, obviously, there’s an elephant in the room when it comes to this movie. We’ll talk about her in just a moment. First, what I find kind of interesting about this movie is that the movie is not without a great deal of imagination and fun with more than a hint of camp. But it wasn’t cheap. The movie cost $4 million. That’s a mid-range budget in 1980. What’s even more peculiar is that this is a mid-range budget movie that was originally supposed to be shot in three weeks. What’s more, is that it took LESS than 20 days to shoot because of bad weather. So, we have ourselves a multi-million-dollar picture that was supposed to be shot in less than three weeks, only for it to be shot in even less time, and just to get the movie out, scenes were cut so it leaves the movie sort of incomplete.

You gotta love these types of Hollywood lore.

Director William Sachs had already been around making movies by the time Galaxina was made and released. Most of what he worked on was lower-budget and exploitation-type stuff. His other well-known film is 1977’s The Incredible Melting Man which was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. But as it pertains to this movie, Sachs was very unhappy with the final product. That bad weather I mentioned? It prevented some sets from being used. To avoid going over the timeline, they cut some stuff. Sachs said that it actually ended up making the movie slower paced than he intended and if he had the ability to shoot the scenes he wanted and make the movie intended, it would have been a much better movie with more pep. Normally, you’d think cutting stuff out would increase the tempo, but that’s really not the case.

Let’s say you watch Star Wars. Instead of having the scene in which the stormtroopers attack the heroes when they are trying to escape in the Millennium Falcon, and you don’t have the resulting firefight above Tattooine, all you have are the scenes in which people are talking about whatever’s going on. Sure, the movie is shorter, but those scenes of people just sitting around and talking are boring and will make the movie feel much longer than it actually is. Even the Cantina scene would be interesting to look at but could not make up for actual action.

I digress.

So, yeah… the elephant in the room. Playing the titular (no pun intended) Galaxina in this movie is Dorothy Stratten. Stratten was just under 20 years old at the time she shot this movie, but she was already a massive star. In 1979, she appeared in Playboy and became 1980’s Playmate of the Year as a result. Sadly, the release of Galaxina was very close to Stratten’s murder at the hands of her estranged husband, Paul Snider. Stratten had begun a relationship with director Peter Bogdanovich and was living with him (Bogdanovich was twice her age to boot). She was on the verge of her star rising even higher as she met Bogdanovich when she was cast for his film They All Laughed which would go on to be considered one of his very best films.

There is a lot that could be said about Stratten and her heartbreaking murder, but we’ll stick to what specifically concerns this movie. One of those things is that both she and Rhonda Shear, who has a small part in this movie, both denied doing nudity in this film. It’s also contested what Stratten’s true feelings about working on the film were. Bogdanovich, in his book that was a biography about her and detailed their affair, claimed she was terribly unhappy with making that film. Sachs disagreed with that account and claimed he had no knowledge of her being unhappy on the set.

Regardless of what her feelings were, Galaxina would be one of a couple of movies, obviously, They All Laughed being the other, that would basically be Stratten’s film legacy.

The movie begins with a text crawl. Let’s not forget, this is 1980 in a post-Star Wars world. Text crawls became all the rage, especially for sci-fi movies. Anyway, the gist and setup for this movie is that it’s the year 3008. Space travel has become pretty normal for everyday people. At this point, whole galaxies have been explored, and not just solar systems in our neck of the galactic woods here in the Milky Way. Basically, as more and more civilizations interacted, the need for a space police force arose. The film centers around the Infinity, one of the many space police ships. Aboard the Infinity is a feminine robot who will actually come to possess emotions. And that robot’s name was…

I like the credits use the same fonts as the end credits for Star Trek II and Star Trek III. I guess technically they used it first. In fact, that font, called Eurostile, was around for a long time before the 80s. Either way, I see that text and I get real good feelings about whatever it’s showing up on. Yes, I’m a major font nerd.

ANYway… As the credits play under some classical music, we get a couple of beauty shots of the Infinity zooming around. A log entry from Captain Cornelius Butt says they are on the way to a base at the end of a long seven-year patrol mission. Now they have to police a very specific place that sits on the very edge of explored space. Everything seems to be running properly on the ship and it is currently being piloted by Galaxina. Butt is not exactly the biggest fan of his own crew, but they are currently on their 72-hour rest period with Galaxina basically taking care of the ship while they are off duty.

Butt is played by Avery Schreiber. Schreiber is mostly recognizable as that guy who always had a pretty thick mustache, but I honestly don’t know where I know him from. He was in a lot of movies, including some Mel Brooks films, but not the ones I know best. He’s just a recognizable face I’ve seen many, many times. Maybe I recognize him from this movie. Eh. Anyway, the rest of the crew aside from Butt and Galaxina are Sgt. Thor, played by Stephen Macht, Private McHenry, who everyone calls “Buzz”, Maurice who looks like a black human but has pointy ears and wings like a bat, and the Confucious-quoting Asian guy who I am sure will not be a poor stereotype named Sam.

The one thing I like about this movie is the way it looks. Like with Alien, one of the influences on this film, the Infinity is not a clean-looking ship. It looks functional and lived in. The crew are guys doing a job. There is this soft focus in areas that make this movie look a little more surreal too. I can’t quite place it. As you see above, Galaxina is shot with a hazy yellow tint. In other scenes, characters or sets are backlit. At one point, Galaxina is in a chair that I presume is used for her to recharge and it lights up just leaving her silhouette visible. It comes off as hazy and space-like, but also kind of haunting in some ways. The movie is shot by Dean Cundey, John Carpenter’s D.P. at the time. He knows how to make a movie look good.

To be honest, this movie’s plot will not live up to the way this movie looks.

Buzz spots a ship cruising by as the Infinity is hovering behind an asteroid. Since the ship seemed to be moving a bit too fast, Buzz engages the ship, which is shaped like a hawk. When he communicates with the people on the ship, the captain of the hawk-shaped ship looks odd and a little menacing. The mysterious guy says, “Hey, don’t ask me what I’m doing. Just know I’m totally doing a peaceful thing. Oh, and I’m going to rudely shut off communications.”

Sgt. Thor suggests Buzz not pursue that ship anymore. You know, that might start an intergalactic war and all. Instead, why not talk to the Captain? That’s what Buzz does. As Captain Butt slowly rides a platform down a long corridor, the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays. Butt is presented as this majestic guy, but spoiler alert, he’s kind of an idiot. He also belittles his subordinates and overstates the importance of any mission he’s called to go on in the hopes that it will be a history-making series of events he will be a part of.

Butt tries to get the nature of the unknown alien’s mission. He says it’s secret and to basically fuck off. I mean, he says that in so many words. He doesn’t literally tell Butt to beat cheeks, but I wish he had. The Infinity and the hawk ship engage in a firefight. Basically, it’s several minutes of these two ships shooting back and forth. Thor and Butt bemoan that this new form of warfare is just basically ships shooting back and forth until one ship loses power to their shields.

Remember I said this movie was not actually finished? Some things had to be dropped from the script due to bad weather creating some havoc. Well, I can already tell in these first 15 minutes or so that something isn’t quite right. The pacing is most certainly off. That space battle was more or less done between two ships that were kind of stationary. It wasn’t exciting. They have that line about what warfare is like “these days” compared to what it used to be like. Butt and Thor’s less-than-excited tone is being felt by me too. On top of that, we saw Galaxina earlier do a thing with a panel in the palm of her hand that she uses to open up, do a robotic thing, and then close it back up and do more robot things. The exact shot is repeated at least three or four times in this movie.

Honestly, I don’t think this is a case of a movie not trying to be a quality sci-fi film. They have Dead Cundey doing the cinematography. He shot Carpenter’s Halloween and The Fog already by this point. He had even shot The Human Tornado already.

Yes. Yes I am.

Anyway, the first 20 minutes kind of fly by, but we are treated to things that look good to our eyes and our science fiction sensibilities, and Dorothy Stratten is also a beautiful element of this movie. The problem is that the time flies, but it’s not really pulling me in that much. We understand what their mission is. We understand what is happening to our eyeballs. It’s just… kinda bland. At least we meet a character the Infinity keeps in their brig…

This guy’s name is Rock-Eater. Like a Masters of the Universe toy, he’s named for what he does. He eats rocks. But… again… Look at that creature. He looks great! There is some care going into this movie, but right now it’s just been a series of things that happen. I know there’s a plot, but I feel like we’re stuck in this cycle of exposition instead of giving us exposition while also moving the plot forward.

Buzz goes to see Maurice about repairing the shields. However, he also sees Sam there so he decides to take a drag off the Asian guy’s pipe and get a little stoned. He even forgets what he’s doing down there until he remembers the Captain wanted him to go check on the progress of the shields. This is the movie. A guy is told to do a thing, gets distracted, gets stoned, and then finally remembers what he’s supposed to be doing. Meanwhile, the Infinity is still drifting without going anywhere.

I guess we’re meeting the various characters and such, but I dunno. Remember in Star Wars, Luke is on his dirt farm with his aunt and uncle and there’s that day in which he wants to go do fun stuff and plans on leaving home, but his uncle is a jerk about it and wants him to remain on the farm? Then, he is shutting stuff down that night all bummed out and he discovers that R2 ran away? Remember that? C3-PO relays to Luke that R2-D2 is a bit rebellious. But he does this as Luke is looking through space binoculars to try to get visual contact on R2. Then, there’s not much time after that when the wipe comes in and we’re in the next morning when Luke and 3PO are cruising along looking for R2. As they do, we see Tuskin Raiders position themselves to strike, but decide to wait just a few more moments before they attack and both Luke and 3PO are saved by Obi-Wan. A LOT happened there in just about 4 or 5 minutes of screen time. It’s fast paced. It moves. All the while, we’re learning about the central characters while business is going on. Luke is frustrated and unhappy with his life as a farmer with his aunt and uncle. 3PO is a rat and tattles on the rebellious R2. While these characters will continue to grow and evolve over the course of sequels, we are learning about how they handle scenarios and how information informs their decisions right now as they continue to progress the plot.

It doesn’t lead to Luke noticing that R2 is gone, then he goes back inside, tells his uncle and his uncle comes outside to see if he can get a visual on R2, and then they kind of talk about what they should do only to finally take off looking for the little droid after they sleep on it. Of course, we’d see them tuck each other in and talk about how they plan to do the search the next day.

This is the power of editing and pacing, my Enemaniacs. If either is not living up to its end of this task in a film, it can really hurt the narrative. But goddamn… I’m way off-topic here. Let’s get back to Galaxina, yeah?

And speaking of… We’ve hardly seen much of the title character up to this point. She was flying the ship. She rested. She came in to get called a doll by Thor. When we see her next, she’s serving dinner to Captain Butt, Sgt. Thor, and Buzz. Then again… Considering her maid outfit, I’m not complaining too much about this. I get she’s a subservient part of the ship to help the crew with various functions. But the text crawl told us she was special.

If you can’t tell, this movie frustrates me.

I do like this dinner scene because it is one of the earliest examples of a good scene that gives us some sense of who Captain Butt is, a little bit about how Thor deals with him and his self-importance, but it also shows how they eat in this super future. Basically, they get these little dehydrated pellets that are full meals. They also drink a green wine from some other planet.

We do finally get a little more understanding of Butt as he likes to tell jokes that aren’t really jokes and they certainly are not funny, but he expects people to laugh like they’ve never heard anything as funny ever. He tells the same jokes night after night it seems because Thor has to signal to Buzz to pretend he’s never heard the joke before. It helps to show that Captain Butt himself is a joke as he tries to be fancy with the wine only for it to choke him a little bit when it goes down the wrong pipe.

We also find out something else that is kind of key to this movie’s title. Galaxina is special because it turns out that Sgt. Thor is very attracted to her. (No shit, right?) But he can’t help but to look when she crouches down to serve the wine and her cleavage is at eye level to him. He also tries touching her but the act elicits a shock. Buzz says they don’t want them touching the “merchandise”. Captain Butt says it’s against the law for police to fraternize with machines because it goes against nature.

Thor questions if they aren’t allowed to fraternize, why do they make their robots look like her?

That’s an excellent point Thor makes, but it is never followed up. Instead, we see that Buzz has an egg that he found among Rock-Eater’s stuff. He figures that the little creature must have stolen it from somewhere. Buzz can’t believe people used to eat things like eggs. Captain Butt decides he does want to eat it. He cracks the egg and eats the gooey inside of the egg. Shortly after swallowing it, Butt begins to convulse. Thor says the captain is choking so they should hit him. After confirming it won’t get them in trouble because he needs it, they beat the crap out of the Captain until he eventually spits up a little alien creature that formed from the goop inside the egg.

Thor goes to Galaxina to talk to her. We are just finding out that she cannot talk. We’re only a third of the way through the movie and we’re just now learning this, but okay. Anyway, Thor reveals that he is falling in love with her and he finds her very pretty. (No shit, right?) He wants to kiss her but she tries to back away and avoid him. He still decides to kiss her and he gets the shit shocked out of him but he says it’s worth it.

We then cut to Thor and Buzz traveling down the hall to the bridge where they are to have a chat with the space cop chief. It’s like the previous scene never happened. We need to know how Thor feels about Galaxina and the shocks built into her to prevent men from doing unsavory things to a piece of the ship’s machinery, but it feels so out of place. I wonder if the scene was intended to come later in the film. All this does is back up my point I’ve been making all article… Editing is so important, guys.

Anyway, space chief says the Infinity is being sent way off course on a special mission. They will not return to Earth for 54 years if they are sent to this specific planet. They believe someone has discovered the “Blue Star”. This is some sort of special mineral. I guess it has the power of the stars within it. They need to go there and meet with a human who runs the only bar on the planet. In light of this mission and how long they will be in cryo-sleep, they are given a 24-hour furlough to do whatever they want. So they go to a space brothel.

So, yeah, think of this as like the Cantina Scene in Star Wars. I will say, again, this movie looks great. The aliens in this scene are fantastic. I like the mix of the old-style brothel setting with all these Star Wars-style creatures. This is where the movie excels and it shouldn’t be just tossed aside. Yes, I’m frustrated with the story and the plot progression and the things that are just moving so… slowly… But I can look at this movie and watch it independently of the plot it’s trying to get through, and have lots to be pleased by.

I should also point out that the girl on the left side of the picture below is Rhonda Shear from USA’s Up All Night.

It should also be pointed out that it seems Galaxina is, indeed, growing some emotions. She watched the crewmembers having their fun at the brothel. She specifically took note of how Thor was spending his furlough. When she realizes he was taken by one girl in particular, she even sheds a tear. Later, when the crew goes into cryo-sleep, she specifically checks on Thor’s chamber over the next 27 years.

In Captain Butt’s final log entry before going into hibernation, he says that he wishes they had one of the newer ships that have hyperdrive. That not only would make the trip much faster but you also see all the colorful lines in space as they zoom by stars and planets. That was another line that made me chuckle. As an aside, he says they never found the little egg monster from the other day. Well, the egg monster finds the cryo-sleep room and takes a look around. He finds Captain Butt who I suppose is his mother and father and messes with his controls.

Again, I like pretty much everything in this movie that doesn’t exactly deal with the pacing and structure of the movie. On individual scenes and shots and design elements, this movie is wonderful. The brothel is fun. The ship is cool. The concept of what they are, space police who have a robot helping them do the mundane stuff… That’s something you can really work with. That little egg monster is adorable. Rock Eater is great. There are definitely things to admire in this film.

As the ship was traveling to its destination, Galaxina took the time to learn how to speak and be more like a woman. When she wakes the crew, 27 years later, a couple of funny things happen. First, Maurice comes out of his chamber and wants to celebrate with Sam that they earned a whole bunch of overtime the easiest way possible. When Sam immediately launches into one of his Confucius sayings, Maurice simply turns around and goes back into his cryo-chamber. Then, because the alien monster baby fucked around with Butt’s controls, he’s come out with a giant beard and long, graying hair.

Again… Let it be said once more… This movie excels so well at the little things. It’s a shame those little things it does well can’t seem to add up to make this movie good.

Anyway, as Thor works out, Galaxina comes in and touches him. She does not shock him. She tells him that she has reprogrammed her shocking system and she’s reprogrammed herself to be able to talk. She did all this over the last 27 years for him. And, on top of that, she also learned how to do makeup and wear lingerie. Most importantly, she learned how to talk so she can tell Thor she loves him.

Thor does have a question though… Does she have a lady cave? He realizes that, no, she doesn’t. The good news is that she promises Thor that he can order those upgrades for her in a catalog once they get back home.

And every time I try to order pussy from a catalog my friends think I’m weird, but whatever.

Anyway, that bird-shaped ship from earlier in the movie? That shows back up and is in pursuit of the Infinity. The masked alien that pilots that hawk ship is named Ordric. Turns out Ordric has beef with Butt.

I really like Ordric’s look and the design of his ship. In some ways, it reminds me of a cross between something you’d see on Star Trek and something you’d see in a comic book. Both the Romulans and Klingons would have ships called a Bird of Prey. Ordric looks like Dr. Doom’s consistently grumpy uncle. I like it. How many times do I have to say the little touches in Galaxina work really really well for me?

So, Ordric attacks the Infinity and causes it to basically start to kind of sink and drop out of its original plane of flight? I don’t know how to describe this when it happens in space. Anyway, they just happen to crash land on the planet they were sent to, Altair One. For some reason, only Galaxina is sent to find this human they are looking for, Frank Future. Future has the Blue Star mineral that they must retrieve. Thor explains that Altair One is a strange planet that has lots of odd qualities like how things change colors under the blue sun it orbits. Its only town is like an old west town. It’s mostly inhabited by scum and villainy. It’s basically the Australia of the universe as it as settled to be a penal colony.

And a bitchin’ Batmobile.

And… hey! If you want yet another scene that reminds you of the Cantina scene in Star Wars, Galaxina is there to give you what you want. Frank Future’s saloon is basically a second shot at filling a set full of little alien and monster guys.

Anyway, Galaxina runs afoul of Ordric and the two of them struggle over the mineral. I think the movie kind of forgot that 27 years passed because it would make sense that Frank Future is no longer alive. Okay, Mr. Spot, the Spock look-a-like, says they ate him but whatever. Did they not plan for this possible kink in the plan? Anyway, Ordric turns out to be a robot. Galaxina sniffs that out almost instantly. Apparently, Ordric is poorly constructed because all she had to do was walk around in a circle until he got dizzy. She then bashed him in the robot head with the Blue Star so she could escape. However, Ordric gets back on his feet and confronts Galaxina in the street where she blasts him with her laser rifle.

Galaxina is eventually captured by a gang of space bikers. They worship a god they call Harley-David-Son. They want to sacrifice her to their god and take the Blue Star to use for their own needs. You know… I’m not sure what the Blue Star does other than cause a chorus to sing its praise whenever it’s mentioned. It’s just supposedly powerful and can possess what I think is a power source but it’s never been super clear what it does. Anyway, everyone wants it.

Since Galaxina has not returned to the Infinity, Thor decides to take it upon himself to go save her. Buzz opts to join him when no one else volunteers to help. As the sun rises, it’s almost time for Galaxina to be sacrificed. While the bikers sleep, Thor and Buzz free Galaxina, and they steal a pristine Harley Davidson which they call their Lord. They chase on horseback, but the “Lord” is too fast for them… until the “Lord” runs out of gas. They get back to the Infinity with no problem because the bikers just want to reclaim the motorcycle.

So that was vaguely fun, but it’s just an episodic adventure in the third act of a movie full of episodic adventures. It wouldn’t be so bad if this movie felt cohesive. I know, I know… I keep harping on the plot problems. But that is how this movie disappoints. So much about this movie feels and looks right. It just has no glue to put this all together.

Anyway, there is one character in this movie that IS able to be put together even if the movie can’t do it for itself. It turns out Ordric was not destroyed. He apparently has an “excellent mechanic” that could put him back together again. He’s on the Infinity waiting to steal the Blue Star.

He throws the crew and Rock-Eater into the brig. Thor tries to get Rock-Eater to eat the bars. However, Rock-Eater can’t do that. Bar-Eaters eat bars. He eats rocks, goddammit!

On the bridge, Ordric watches First Spaceship on Venus on TV while Captain Butt’s little egg alien buddy sneaks up behind him. In the brig, Galaxina and Thor makeout. Thor is saddened that while they can get that mail order pussy, and they can get married, they can’t have children. But it turns out children can be ordered in the catalog too!

You know… Come to think of it… Why is it so important that Galaxina and the robots like her are equipped with security that shocks people who try to inappropriately touch or even kiss her? I mean I know why… Guys suck. But I ask this specifically because it is a major point that she a) cannot speak, b) cannot have feelings, and c) cannot be used for sexual gratification because d) she has none of those parts. But, yet… All of that can be ordered from a catalog? Either you absolutely cannot do those things or you can and you just need to upgrade your ship’s robot (like buying a decommissioned police car after it’s done its duty). I’m so confused. Anyway… Let’s get back to this conclusion.

The little egg alien gets rid of Ordric by biting the robot’s butt when he sits on the little guy. He brings the crew the keys to the brig so they can be freed. The crew thinks about how much money they are going to make off bringing in the Blue Star crystals, but womp womp… Rock-Eater eats the booty. The Infinity is forced to return to Altair One to get more Blue Star crystals.

I think I’ve made my point throughout this review. Galaxina could have been something great. What if William Sachs got to make the movie he wanted? Would that have helped tie everything together and make for a more exciting picture? Maybe.

In truth, my bigger question is what would have become of Dorothy Stratten if she wasn’t murdered? Her career would have likely survived this movie’s failure. The film she made after this with Bogdanovich would have shown off her ability better. You almost have to ponder if Stratten would have become something like Jane Fonda. Fonda did Barbarella which this movie clearly was also inspired by, at least for the Galaxina character. She would go on to be one of the biggest, most admired actresses (at least in terms of her acting skills) of her time. Could Stratten have done the same thing? Sadly, we’ll never know.

What we do know is that 2024 is coming to a close in just a few days. This was the 10th anniversary year of B-Movie Enema. I think it’s been a pretty good year. I completed 53 more reviews. I added 28 episodes of B-Movie Enema: The Series. Everything is coming up Enema! But I do want to thank everyone who came here to read my ramblings week after week. I hope you enjoy it.

But as we look to 2025, Season Six of B-Movie Enema: The Series will arrive in the spring. But before we get there, we need to talk about January. Yup, starting next week is a whole month dedicated to Pia Zadora. You heard that right! Five movies starring the diminutive diva are on the docket. To kick it all off, the movie that created a great deal of controversy around her career and her husband at the time which exposed a specific award show as being kind of corrupt. Join me as I review 1982’s Butterfly.

Until then… Have the happiest and safest of New Year’s and hoist a cup o’kindness with all those old acquaintances in mind and in the flesh.