Like, no shit this week’s review is going to be My Bloody Valentine, right?

Happy Valentine’s Day, my Enamaniacs. This week’s new review here at B-Movie Enema is a bit overdue. 1981’s My Bloody Valentine is often cited as one of the better slashers of the 80s. Like with 1978’s Halloween, it seems as though there might be a little more going on with this movie. It certainly has more going on with characters and intersecting storylines than, say, Friday the 13th. More on this stuff as we go through the plot later.

George Mihalka is the director of My Bloody Valentine. He was born in the early 50s in Hungary. He was in his mid-20s when directing this film. For the most part, you really aren’t going to find much more interesting in his filmography. Generally speaking, Mihalka’s big claim to fame IS My Bloody Valentine. The same could be said about the screenwriter, John Beaird. Beaird did contribute some uncredited work on the script for Happy Birthday to Me from the same year. But other than that? Nothing really of major note. Sadly, Beaird died young at the age of 40 in 1993.

If the writer and director really didn’t do much more than this, what makes My Bloody Valentine such a nostalgic favorite for horror fans of a certain age? That’s really easy. The look of our killer, “Harry Warden”. The miner’s gear of one of those helmets with the light on top, the gas mask, and the pickaxe that serves as Harry’s favorite weapon is a striking image. Honestly, without the pickaxe, seeing a miner in the garb would be kind of unsettling, wouldn’t it?

It also doesn’t help that this movie benefited heavily from cable TV and video stores. I remember this getting a lot of attention from my brothers. I think they even had a poster of this in their bedroom. It’s a movie that people between the ages of, oh, 45 and 65 seem to be fairly big fans of. What’s more, it definitely has a great title and striking art to put on the cover of video tapes. The bloodied gas mask with the guy under the mask staring wide-eyed directly at you. It’s such a great image against the black background that I always forget that there’s an image of the potential victims hovering just above the center part of the poster. I’m so taken by the gas mask guy that I couldn’t give two shits about the losers hovering over what would be his forehead.

That’s such a great poster.

But who do we have in the cast here? Well, at the time, Keith Knight was probably the best-known of the bunch. He previously appeared in the Bill Murray film Meatballs. After My Bloody Valentine, he appeared in Class of 1984. For the most part, he spent the rest of his career and life doing mostly TV with some animation voice work. Okay, so looking through the rest of the cas… Waitaminute… What’s this? Who do I see in this cast?

Fuckin’ A, it’s Cynthia Dale!

If you’re a long-time reader of this blog, then you’ll know that one of my very favorite films ever covered on this blog is the 1984 masterpiece Heavenly Bodies (in fact, get a shirt of Heavenly Bodies here). There is no more perfect mix of sporty drama, high stakes drama, competition over raising money to keep a gym open drama, and a lovely lead star than Heavenly Bodies. She’s reaching for the top with everything she’s got, goddammit.

Shit yeah, guys… I’m even more excited to watch this movie again. As I previously stated, this movie is long overdue for review here. Like I said, if you’re of a certain age, this movie was always around. Even if you didn’t see it, you likely had a mental image of Harry’s miner garb from that poster above. I remember one point in my life, when I was younger when the title and the image of Harry (plus that poster) was so burned into my brain that I was certain that I hadn’t just seen it, but had seen it many times over. Then, I rented it or watched it on TV and was surprised that I either hadn’t seen it or didn’t remember anything from it. It’s one of those types of movies that finds a little corner of a nostalgic memory in order to cram itself into it and stay with you in some way. So, let’s grab our canaries and descend into the Canadian mines of My Bloody Valentine!

As we get started, I always forget that this is also a Paramount Pictures release. Much like with 1980’s Friday the 13th, Paramount was willing to fund or distribute slashers. The thing is, they would often then distance themselves from them when critics or the public would bash them for releasing this new version of mainstream exploitation. It was rather well known back in the early 80s that Paramount was embarrassed by the success of the slasher films they released and also quite often didn’t offer critic screenings. Anyway… now let’s get into the actual movie itself.

Ominous music plays as we hear the breathing of two miners making their way through what appears to be an abandoned mine. They find their way to a somewhat lit section before stopping. One looks around while. And what’s this? Sexy shenanigans going down in a mine? Canadians get down and dirty underground!

The woman initially tries to remove all of the other miner’s stuff, but when she gets to his mask he stops her and tells her to not take it off. I’m guessing she did this because the movie can’t reveal our killer seconds into this movie so she sensually caresses the gas mask and the hose that leads up to it… as you do. Look, gas masks are incredibly sexy and in no way any of these four things: 1) stinky on the inside, 2) spooky to look at, 3) often very claustrophobic and uncomfortable, or 4) typically used in extreme scenarios like going into a mine or being gassed by the Kaiser’s men while trapped in your trench.

Anyway, the miner has a bit of a problem with sexy time. You see, despite it being immediately visible and definitely something that would stand out back then, she has a tattoo of a heart on her left boob. This is no minor thing for this miner. Seeing this makes him freak out and he shoves her into a pickaxe he planted in the wall behind her, killing her.

Later, we meet the main cast of characters. This is a mining town called Valentine Bluffs. The mine employs most of the men of the town. There is an offhanded remark about methane being in the mine which is why they wear the masks. There is so much methane in the mine that a stray flame will “blow the place to hell one day.” I’m positive that’s not coming back into play here over the next 85 minutes or so.

So there are big doings in Valentine Bluffs. For the first time in 20 years, the mayor has allowed and sanctioned the annual Valentine’s Day Dance for the town. See, there was a terrible accident that led to the deaths of five miners. The deaths were caused by the negligence of their supervisors who left to attend the dance without checking to make sure that all the miners were cleared out for the night first. Well, that methane gas in the mine? So that caused an explosion that created a cave-in that trapped six miners. The sixth miner was Harry Warden. He resorted to cannibalism to stay alive until he could be dug out.

Also, here’s a file photo of what Harry looked like after dining on five whole human beings:

The mayor is conscious about old wounds and whatnot so despite the excitement around Valentine Bluffs, he kind of likes the idea of downplaying the fact this is the first time in 20 years for the dance. The mayor’s name is Hanniger, which is also the name of the mine where the main cast of guys work. Also… Cynthia Dale is the girlfriend of the guy who looks like John Candy with a bitchin’ ‘stache.

Mayor’s son, T.J. also works at the mine and he’s not too happy about it. Apparently, he went to another part of the country and couldn’t quite make it on his own, so he came home. Hanniger immediately put him back to work in the mine which was probably the reason why he left in the first place. On top of that, his old sweetheart, Sarah, is now dating a friend of his, Axel. So, coming home hasn’t been all that fun for T.J. Hang tight as we have much more to say about the T.J./Sarah/Axel love triangle. In fact, it’s most of the movie as it pertains to the non-horror shenanigans.

At the dance hall, someone left a box of Valentine’s candy for Mayor Hanniger. While riding with Police Chief Newby, he decides to open up the box of chocolates and share the goodies. Inside, he finds the note with the ominous warning: “From the heart comes a warning, filled with bloody good cheer, remember what happened as the 14th draws near!” When he moves that little covering that is usually inside the box that keeps all the chocolates from jostling about, he finds a real, bloody, human heart inside.

Hanniger just kind of sighs and says, “It can’t be happening again… It can’t be happening again!” Chief Newby gets one look at it and does what you’d think a decent cop would do… turn the fuck around! He speeds back to town to figure out who’s cutting hearts out and sending them to the mayor. They later find out from a coroner that it is indeed the real human heart of a woman who was about 30 years old.

The significance around the heart-shaped box of chocolates with a real heart inside is part of the legend of Harry Warden. Okay, so the town’s bartender who runs the saloon where all the youngsters hang out and do that thing where they stab a knife in between their fingers without looking down until someone stabs themselves? Yeah, that guy was the miner who found Harry Warden 21 years ago in the mine munching down on a former coworker’s arm. The heart in a box warning was delivered the following year. He tracked down and killed the two supervisors who left him and the others in the mine that night when it exploded. The connection to the Valentine’s Day Dance in town is that these supervisors left early without checking on who might have still been in the mine in favor of going to the dance with their sweethearts. So, yeah, negligence that then led to Harry hunting them down. When he found them, he cut their hearts out, put them in the candy boxes, and left that exact warning he gave to the mayor. That’s why Hanniger knew exactly what that warning was and what it meant for the town. Even though he was sent to a mental institution, it’s said that Harry Warden stalks the shadows of Hanniger’s mine waiting for there to be another Valentine’s Day Dance to strike once again.

Most of the youngsters in the town who are too young to know much of anything about how all that went down, do not believe the stories about Harry… Well, at least the stories about how Harry left the boxes with the supervisors’ hearts and the warning about not having any more dances. They think that’s nothing more than an urban legend.

Harry stalks his next victim. He finds the primary organizer of the dance, Mabel Osborne, at the town laundromat. He leaves her a box of chocolates with a note reading, “Roses are red, violets are blue. One is dead, and so are you!” One thing I kind of find almost overly charming is how we’ve seen two older citizens, Mayor Hanniger and Mabel, who receive boxes of chocolates and they almost get giddy over it. It’s like Valentine’s Day is uniquely a happy day that brings joy to everyone who participates.

But come on… Is it though? Valentine’s Day is kind of stupid and overly stressful for some while being very lonely and, at times, even painful for others. Whether it’s Hallmark or your local jewelry store, there can be a lot of pressure placed on someone to get the right gift to “say” the right thing to their spouse or partner. Didn’t get a reservation at the local White Castle’s in time? You’re a loser and should spend the rest of your life alone. That’s not even touching the concept of someone’s spouse or partner passing away and you are dealing with the first Valentine’s without them. It’s a socially created holiday that doesn’t really mean much but to give a boost to certain industries (flower/restaurant/greeting card/lingerie/chocolate and candy) after the major holidays and before the better, warmer months come along for romantic getaways and family vacations.

In short, Valentine’s Day is stupid and I’ve never gotten giddy over receiving a heart-shaped box of candies.

But then again, Conversation Hearts are the bomb.

As were the Spree Hearts that used to be sold… Are those still sold?

Anyway…

T.J. and Axel try to figure out how they are going to get around this whole Sarah thing between the two of them. Axel says they ain’t got nuthin’ to talk aboot (it’s a very Canadian scene). T.J. says they should fight aboot it. He then says they both know who Sarah really wants. John Candy with the bitchin’ stache comes over and tells T.J. he should back off because, ya know… he did leave town and Axel is still his buddy, eh? The next day Sarah and Patty (Dale) are talking about her conundrum over being with Axel currently but still harboring feelings for T.J. She’s not even sure she wants to go to this stupid dance. She has lots on her mind and T.J. and Axel will surely be fighting over her making everything that much more complicated and what have ya.

Also, either Lori Hallier (playing Sarah) is teeny tiny or I never realized Cynthia Dale is a giantess goddess. I’m into it if she is the latter.

This movie is about as nostalgic and classic as you can get for an 80s slasher, but it is very badly directed in most of the dialog scenes. The older actors are doing their jobs well, but the younger cast, which also turns out to be the main cast, are given pretty bad dialog and play their roles very over the top. Cynthia Dale’s scene with Lori Hallier talking about guys and her dress she’s got is… Well, it’s something.

Now, there really is a problem with the dance. You see, after discovering that what they got in that box of chocolates was, indeed, a real human heart, the mayor and Newby needed to get to the bottom of this business of who might have sent the heart. They call the mental hospital where Harry was committed only to learn that the hospital has no record of a Harry Warden ever being there, past or present. So they have no idea what really happened with Harry 20 years ago. When Newby goes to reveal this bit of news to Mabel, he finds her charred body tumbling in a dryer in her laundromat.

The mayor thinks Newby should call a larger town to get help and protection from Harry. Newby says if he did that, cops would be crawling all over town. Any possible mention of Harry Warden would only create a panic. In Mabel’s chest, Harry left another note saying if they don’t cancel the dance, a third death will happen. The mayor immediately cancels the dance and Newby says that it’s due to Mabel’s death as she was the one who planned and organized everything. Meanwhile, at work, tempers between Axel and T.J. flare up. When Axel wanted to settle the back bacon they currently have with each other, T.J. sped off in his car.

Where T.J. went in such a hurry probably isn’t going to help settle those issues because he went to Sarah’s work and picked her up. He takes her to their favorite spot they always went to together looking out over a harbor. T.J. tells her he still loves her and wants her back. And, again, this is another insanely Canadian scene with Paul Kelman’s T.J. saying everything with a very heavy Canadian accent that, if I’m being honest, makes me giggle.

While Sarah walks home alone on a creepy night pondering what she’s going to do with Axel now that she realizes she wants to get back with T.J., the rest of the cast decides they don’t need the official town dance to have some fun on Valentine’s Day. No! They’ll just party it up in the mine! That’s probably the least likely place a killer who dresses up like a miner would be found!

Wait… what?

The old bartender, we’ll call him Ralph because he is our doomsayer like Ralph from Friday the 13th, tries to warn against the kids having the party at the mine. So he breaks into the mine to set up a prank of a stuffed figure in a mining outfit to jump out w hen they open a door. As he drunkenly tests it, the last time he opens the door, Harry surprises him and kills him.

The next day comes and the partying-aged cast shows up at the mine to start their hootenanny. The Moosehead and Schlitz flow heavily. This is a hell of a bitchin’ party. There are, like, 40 people here getting ripped, playing pool, and partying. I ain’t gonna lie, it looks like a super time, eh?

But wouldn’t you know it, Harry is there and causing trouble. He kills one guy by boiling his face in a pot of hot dogs. At the police station, some stray dogs are messing about with a bleeding box of chocolates. Newby discovers a note saying he did not stop the party. He has no idea what the hell the note is about. I don’t think it would take much tonight to realize that most of the town is completely missing. Wouldn’t that indicate they are all somewhere partying their Mooseheads off?

Speaking of… more tensions flare when Axel says he and Sarah were just fine until T.J. came back to town. When T.J. tells Sarah that he wants her to tell Axel that she’s leaving with him, Sarah tells them she wants both of them to leave her alone. Hollis, our movie’s resident John Candy with a bitchin’ stache, breaks up a fight and Sarah storms off.

Oh yeah… That one guy whose face got boiled with a bunch of hot dogs? Yeah, his heart is in the pot boiling away with them dogs.

What’s interesting about this movie is that it’s relatively tame for a slasher, but it’s still kind of effective. It’s not like a Friday the 13th movie in which the tempo of the movie acts as kind of like a rollercoaster with a little build-up to a lot of downhill speed. This movie moves more slowly and doesn’t opt for character stuff followed by sex followed by killing. It’s mostly character stuff with the occasional killing. This party has a little more killing happening, but that’s because there are so many people in an enclosed space to kill the moment they wander off somewhere else.

But what makes this a really good flick, with or without the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia, is that you don’t really want to see these people get hacked and slashed. Maybe you don’t know them as well as the cast of most slashers because there are so many characters, but you at least don’t see them as being characters who “have it coming” or are just kind of unlikable. At least some of the victims of Jason, or Freddy, or Michael were kind of useless or downright putrid when it comes to personality. Not so much here. While there are two guys fighting over a girl, neither of them seems that bad and both of them have kind of realistic faults. One is insecure with the old boyfriend back in town and that old boyfriend is insecure about revealing he had to come home after fizzling out on his own.

At times, it feels like you are hanging out in this town with these characters. They come across as authentic people and people you would work with or want to have a beer with on a Saturday night.

Anyway, back to the killing… Sylvia, the girlfriend of one of the miners, is grabbed by Harry and stuck onto a pipe that pours water out of her once screaming mouth. Hollis, Patty, Sarah, and a couple others take a quick ride into the mine for a little fun. They end up in an old abandoned part with Hollis showing them around.

While they are down there, the bodies of a couple who snuck off to have a little “toss the toque in the moose” are found. Panic kicks in as it’s determined that it has to be Harry Warden. Axel and T.J. go into the mine to get Sarah, Hollis, Patty, and the others out as the rest of the party scurries off to get help.

This is a cool bit of horror within this final act. As “Harry” makes his way down the mine to eventually find and kill those in the mine, he breaks each light bulb in the hall. It’s a neat image seeing the guy in the miner’s outfit violently knocking out each bulb to just add a little extra terror to the situation.

The group goes to find a separated couple who snuck off to play a game of hockey hoser so they can get the hell out of the creepy mine, but they run directly into T.J. who gives them the details about what was going on up top. Hollis discovers that the couple is impaled on a giant drill bit. He then runs into “Harry” who kills him with a nailgun.

“Harry” makes his way toward Sarah, Patty, and another of the group, Howard. Howard runs away leaving the girls alone, but “Harry” chases after him. Axel runs into Sarah and Patty and escorts them to the lift to get out of the mine with T.J. nowhere to be found and Howard still running away from who he thinks is Harry Warden. T.J. catches up to the three of them to help lead Sarah and Patty to the surface. When they get to the elevator, the control panel is smashed, trapping them in the mine.

Axel then leads them another way which results in them finding Howard’s body. A third direction leads to what is seemingly Axel’s demise by falling into a 60-foot pool of water and drowning. T.J. directs Sarah and Patty to go down a track that should lead them to another exit. This leads to the girls running into “Harry” who kills Patty.

Worry not, Enemaniacs. Cynthia Dale will get her revenge in Heavenly Bodies. There, she shall reach for the top with everything she’s got.

T.J. finds Sarah and he’s got himself a bloody head indicating he got bonked. The movie is somewhat clever in how it deals with the identity of “Harry Warden”. If you were to think that trouble has only returned because T.J. has returned, there’s plenty of reason to believe that. He’s either going off in a huff or is not around when someone dies. But when “Harry” shows up to kill Sarah and T.J., it removes him from the list of suspects. But who could it be? Well, it can’t be anyone who left the party. Axel drowned, right? As for introducing a new character, that’s not possible, right? Is it really Harry Warden?

Well, it isn’t actually Harry Warden. The reason why is that unbeknownst to the audience, Newby received a call about Harry’s records. He died five years ago. We find out who the killer is when, during the struggle with T.J. and Sarah, she rips off the miner’s gas mask to reveal it is, indeed, Axel.

As it turns out, Axel is the son of one of the supervisors who got killed by the real Harry Warden. He witnessed Harry killing his father and it messed him up. T.J. and Sarah escape Axel by causing a cave-in. The team coming in to unbury Axel finds his arm, but before they can free him, he has amputated it and, crazed, he gives a warning to the town saying that he and Harry will return to kill the entire town. As he disappears he says one more chilling statement, “Sarah, be my bloody Valentine…”

This is a pretty good movie. Sure, it’s not entirely acted all that well, but the script is there. You get to know the large cast of characters and you like the characters you spend time with. There really is not a single character in this movie you think has it coming if ol’ Harry Warden caught up to them. The reveal of Axel being the killer is perfectly fine. I guess it’s a tad wonky that they reveal that Axel is the son of one of the murdered supervisors, but it works. If only there was a scene or a couple of lines that revealed that connection, that would probably work a tad better for the movie.

Still, that’s a small issue I can bring up as more of a nitpick. Most horror films of this era, and especially the slashers, had some sort of twist at the end like that, so it’s fine. Still, I think this is a great example of the genre and still incredibly watchable and fun today, 44 years later. It also has a pretty awesome theme song.

One last quick note… This movie was released on February 11, 1981, on what would have been my fourth birthday. That, I believe, would have been around the time that I had my first airplane flight as my dad, grandma, and grandpa went to Florida and I took my first and only trip to Disney World. So, how’s about that?

Anyway, here’s to a Valentine’s Day to you. I don’t want to wish you a happy one because I don’t care, but I don’t want to wish you a bad one either because that just makes me sound like a fucking loser. Just… have one, okay? You can send me Conversation Hearts through this webzone if you so wish. I will always accept those. I dunno.

Sigh.

Anyway, next week, let’s go on a date with the site’s official girlfriend, Candice Rialson, and play some doctor with the Candy Stripe Nurses!