Happy Independence Day, you dirty, dirty, dirty rebel Americans!

Okay, yes, I’m also an American, but I’m kind of trying to downplay that right now because, frankly, we’re kind of in our suck era, but whatever. That said, welcome to a new review at B-Movie Enema! This week, we have another film that was made somewhat infamous by the fine folks at RedLetterMedia. Those hacks and mega-single white boys have that show Best of the Worst each month, in which they feature bad movies and pick which one they find the most entertaining. Sometimes, they get one that’s fun. Sometimes, one of the movies is just utter shit. Sometimes, they are special.

That’s what we’re looking at today. That last one… The special classification. A couple of weeks ago, I looked at a movie that was a James Bond ripoff with a guy who has a partner who is a baboon. That was one that got featured on Best of the Worst. This week, we have one that would blow the balls off that James Bond ripoff and likely leave a lot of people staring blankly and saying, “Whoa…” if they took the time to watch it.

It’s a movie about guys, and girls, and cops, and bad guys… It’s Honorable Men.

Honorable Men comes to us from director, co-writer, producer, and lead star Garrett Stewart Sayre. Sayre actually appeared on an earlier episode of Best of the Worst before they looked at Honorable Men. In that earlier episode, the fellas watched 1993’s The Satan Killer about a serial killer who killed a cop’s wife. That movie was directed by and starred Steve Sayre, Garrett’s brother. If you look at Steve Sayre’s IMDb biography, you see some INSANE shit. He’s not just a filmmaker and wannabe actor, he’s also (maybe) a superhero genius? He has a Ph.D. in psychology. He has an M.A. in history. He has a B.A. as well, which I assume is in either psychology or history. It’s not listed. He’s been part of a top-secret group within the U.S. military. He’s been a private investigator. He’s had a special assignment as a U.S. Marshal. Lastly, Steve graduated with the highest honors from the Defense Language Institute. I’m not bullshitting you. It’s right here on IMDb!

Unfortunately, for this Fourth of July holiday, we’re not talking about the Greatest American Hero, Steve Sayre. Instead, we’ve got Garrett. Garrett has almost no IMDb bio.

But the best thing to know about Garrett and Honorable Men is how I introduced our main man. This is one of those classic projects that exists only for the lead star’s ego. As I mentioned, Garrett is credited not only as the star but also as director, writer, and producer. He was the driving force behind this movie. He is going to be the guy who will reap all those benefits. That’s going to be very apparent once we meet Garrett’s character, Ryan Smith, and how he interacts with other characters, particularly his love interest(s). So, maybe it makes the most sense to just jump right into this movie.

Oh brother, here we go…

Now, look, man… I don’t know if Honorable Men really was a “true story” or not, but, brother, I can tell you what I know is in this movie that will be uncovered as we explore each scene and element of the movie piece-by-piece and I’m not too sure this will shed any positive light on our lead character, Ryan Smith. With that said, knowing how the movie ends, if this is a true story, I do have some sympathy for the guy, but I’m not too sure the rest of the plot is much more than just embellished bullshit. I wouldn’t put anything past Garrett Stewart Sayre.

But, I digress…

Oh brother… here we go!

As the heavy drums of action music play over Sayre, as Ryan Smith, we get close-ups of his steely eyes and loading his side piece while getting the skinny on his mission. He’s told he is a Narc. Whatever he’s up to, he’s GOT to let SWAT get in before him. A friend of his, and another police officer man, approaches him and says he is on some other mission tonight, so he can’t accompany Ryan on this raid. That’s okay, because as Ryan tells his buddy, he’s bulletproof.

Spoiler alert: Ryan is not bulletproof.

What’s the mission? Well, it’s a bunch of white SWAT guys and Narc agents with mustaches everywhere busting into a house full of black people. The MOMENT they bust in the door on what I have to assume is a gang, they come in firing, and they kill one guy and arrest the others. I’m not 100% sure if the guy they killed was brandishing or pointing a gun at the SWAT guys… I mean, I could rewind this feature film and make sure, but… sigh… I don’t really care.

It sure was…

I guess one of these gang guys was shooting back at the pigs because Ryan is not as bulletproof as he claimed. He’s rushed off to the hospital and given intensive care while he has a flash of memory of a very young-looking blonde biting the tip of her finger with her gloss-covered lips. Meanwhile, the paramedic, also a young, pretty woman, laments that she can’t believe it’s Ryan who got shot. It sure looks like this movie is gonna be even shorter than the 73-minute runtime before it does the thing that is a tiresome trope and flashes back to one year earlier at Eastern Virginia State University.

I want to point out something about “Eastern Virginia State University” that I find kind of ironic, considering what we just saw in the opening scene of this movie film. So much so, I don’t really care that much to know for certain if I’m using “ironic” correctly. There is no “Eastern Virginia State University” in Virginia. There IS, though, Virginia State University. That’s considered the TOP Historically Black College in Virginia. Bravo, stupid movie… Bravo.

At this Historically White College or University, Ryan is talking about being a Narc and why he’s one of them. He slurs through a very boring conversation about taking this seriously because there are very serious problems with drugs and alcohol on the streets. Not only am I pretty sure Garrett Stewart Sayre has forgotten the very lines he wrote in the script, but he’s got a kind of nasally whine in his voice. He doesn’t have a very confident speaking style. Holy shit, I still have an hour of this movie to go and I’m going to have to hear this guy stumble through his own script with one of the least appealing leading man voices ever.

A pretty girl approaches him after his lecture. She apparently has known Ryan for some time. In fact, she even says she hasn’t seen him for a while. This is Casey. Casey isn’t given much more for this scene because it fades to the hallway, where we meet Mandy. Mandy is yet another girl that Ryan knows somehow. I have to assume he enjoys cruising the parking lot of Eastern Virginia State University, or worse, shiver, Eastern Virginia High School. I mean, these are all young chicks he’s known for a while, and he’s got a pretty noticeable receding hairline, and they are pretty noticeably played to be in their very early 20s. It’s possible Steve Sayre meant to call this Eastern Vagina State University becuase he’s catching strange left and right here on campus.

All these very young-looking girls thing about this movie gets worse, though… Casey is the daughter of another cop who works with Ryan and, as we learn later, Casey had a crush on Ryan AS A LITTLE GIRL. She says it to a friend as she comments on how she offered her services to Ryan as a physical trainer. The cop buddy, her father, tells Ryan she had a crush on him, and he told her to not date cops. RYAN TELLS THE OTHER COP THAT SHE’S ALL GROWN UP NOW. Yeah… That’s what we’re getting ourselves into with this movie. But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. We need to back up a couple of scenes to what happened right after Ryan’s lecture.

I will give whoever decided on this shot some props. This is great foreshadowing. Casey needs to get used to being the girl in the background because Mandy, positioned here in the foreground, talking to Ryan, will ultimately take the lead as Ryan’s love interest. 10 out of 10. No notes. This shot is well done.

Mandy asks if Ryan will help her with a report or story or something about cops. He’s like, “Sure! But… I’m just a birthday boy and would never do anything odd or sketchy… How will I ever get in touch with you to help you with this?”

Mandy, already having written down her number because she is a minx and one of the devil’s harlots, gives him the piece of paper with her number on it and says, “Call me at 9, tiger.”

Mandy and Casey then play tennis against each other. Mandy comments DIRECTLY TO Casey’s face that she’s clearly the best player on the team now. Casey fires back that Mandy shouldn’t confuse being the best with being the bitchiest. Mandy’s all like, “Nuh uh… You’re the bitch.” Cue the soap opera music. Honorable Men!

It’s crazy to think that the action scenes of this action movie are the most insanely boring shit in the movie. After we have our soap opera fun, we’re left with Ryan doing his job. Now, look… I know most cop work is paper work and boring shit. That’s why they get fat on donuts. I can also assume that’s why the most unbalanced of the lot get itchy trigger fingers and go out and kill little kids carrying toy guns in low-income neighborhoods. But, in the movies, cops do action shit! They are Lethal Weapon or Jackie Chan or Die Hard! Sometimes they are even Die Hard 2! This movie presents the work that Ryan does in the most boring way possible. The action-style music can’t even save the scenes.

What makes this movie so worthy of being talked about is kind of twofold. On one hand, you have no professional actors working on the film. Outside the girls and Sayre, I wouldn’t be surprised if the cops really ARE cops. There are way too many mustaches on these guys’ faces to make me think otherwise. Besides, their line delivery sucks. No one looks like they even GO to the movies, let alone be IN a movie. It looks like it’s shot on a 2004 cell phone… the ones without cameras. The sound is scuffed. Everything is just wrong.

Yet, on the other hand, the stuff that is grotesquely fascinating is the soap opera stuff. It’s the fact that every woman had a crush on Ryan as a little girl or formed an instant crush on Ryan upon laying eyes on him. If it isn’t really throwing an extra wrench into the already convoluted love triangle, it’s that Ryan is considered to just be THE BEST. He’s called “Superman” at one point. He’s always saving damsels in distress. He’s thought to be a funny guy without saying a damn thing in the movie that’s clever let alone funny. It’s the type of stuff that makes for a special kind of bad movie that you begin to feel embarrassed for all the other people in this movie (who aren’t our star/director/writer/producer) and, hell, for yourself for even watching this movie.

But, yet again, I’m waaaaaay ahead of myself again. But I can’t help it. These are the thoughts I’m left with whenever we see Ryan doing his cop shit or the supposed action scenes of this action movie.

Anyway, so this poorly shot scene that started with a drug deal going off the rails leads to hand-held footage of Sayre running after a black guy. Yes, Ryan Smith has already pulled his gun. Granted, the perp he’s chasing does try to shoot him. But it’s all edited so quickly, it’s so noisy, and none of it is held steady by a steady cam or a tripod that you want to puke. The scene ultimately ends with the guy getting away. We never find out if Ryan’s boss caught “Tyrone,” whom he took off after in another direction. Yes, they called a black guy Tyrone in this movie… because of course they did.

Instead, we see Ryan take Casey up on her offer to patch him up or something. Apparently, he got hurt. We weren’t told this and there is no empirical evidence to indicate this, but he got hurt. Anyway, he plays sweet, innocent birthday boy again. He asks if Casey is always so ADR’d… er, I mean caring when talking to people who come into this clinic. Yeah, yet another scene of someone having no idea how to make a movie is on display because the sound is so wildly different, and it’s clear they ADR’d the entire scene and every character. So much so, in fact, that when they switch scenes and return to a shot where the sound was good, it’s jarring.

You start to wonder if Ryan is truly an Honorable Man as the title infers… Well, it implies there are multiple honorable men in this movie, but Ryan is the only actual character in this movie who is, presumably, a man. Anyway, after a very awkward exit from the clinic, we see him now working with Mandy on her whole project thing. She invites him over for dinner. Ryan, apparently, thinks this is a for real date because he asks if her dad will care because of their age difference. Question… did I have a stroke, or are we jumping ahead, or are we missing scenes? Ryan just met Mandy. She asked him to be interviewed for a report. Did… did he just think that means they are dating now? I mean, he’s a massive nerd, so I guess he assumed that. Whatever. Anyway, she says her dad will be cool because he’s a cop.

At dinner, things really ramp up. Ryan bitches and moans about being a cop and cleaning up the street of all those damn pushers and drug guys. Mandy’s dad listens to WAY too much Rush Limbaugh because he says that it’s the politicians’ fault. He even says that if a drug pusher came near Mandy, he’d run them down with his semi and let the politicians sort it all out afterwards. Um, Mandy’s dad? Chet? I think your name is Chet? You just admitted that you would be willing to commit revenge-based vigilantism and/or murder to a cop. I guess you’re lucky that cop wants to put his badge in your daughter’s billfold, but still… This is a first date. I guess. Mandy plays good girl by serving them spaghetti and then invites Ryan to church on Sunday because she “takes care of the kids” there.

I hate this movie. I especially hate this movie because it whiplashes to another action scene where Ryan and another cop go to a convenience store. They’re looking for something “wet” in the coolers while a guy comes in to stick the place up and hold the pretty girl behind the counter at gunpoint. In a quick series of edits, Ryan distracts the guy while his partner comes up behind him, disarms him, and arrests him. They celebrate like Ryan just scored a 100 on a calculus exam.

Mandy and Ryan’s “relationship” continues. But it’s a little confusing. She tells a friend that he thinks she’s cute. We’ve not seen that scene. She says that he’s sexy. We’ve DEFINITELY not seen evidence of that. I guess they are a couple, but all we ever see is Mandy cooking for him and her dad. Then, we were supposed to think it was all cool with her dad, but he tells Mandy to stop flirting with him because, I guess, he thinks his daughter is going to be one of those whorish girls who plays around with guys?

This movie is confusing and sucky. Well, I don’t know if I really want to admit that I am a bit confused by this sucky movie. Honestly, this is barely a movie. It’s a loose collection of quick little scenes. We’ve already seen, like 25 different scenes in the first 15-18 minutes of the movie. It’s a crazy amount of plot without the movie going really anywhere. What I relate this movie and all these quick ass little scenes and vignettes to hanging out with a significant other or a brother or a friend and they are giving you a rundown of the stuff they did at work that day.

You ever ask someone, “What did you do today?” and immediately regret it because they then dump all sorts of shit about what crazy thing they saw or heard that day and it means absolutely nothing to you? Yeah, that’s this movie. You asked Ryan Smith what he did that day, and he talked about the guy he stopped who was holding a knife to his girlfriend’s throat at the trailer park. Or he tells you how he found out that his very young girlfriend is named Mandy not for being originally given the name Amanda, but being named for the Barry Manilow song. Then he tells you that she sang the song to you. It’s about that moment when you’ve gotten up from the couch, climbed to the roof of his house, and jumped of,f hoping this will make it so you never hear him tell tales of his day ever again.

Oh, yeah, before you decide to go up to the roof to throw your life at the concrete below, he does try to show you evidence that his very young girlfriend not only sang her namesake’s song at him but that she immediately called him to talk to him while in her very nearly see-through undies.

I’m gonna say it… This is a worse movie than anything Ed Wood ever made. This is worse than Samurai Cop, another movie about a cop who has a superhero complex. And, yes, this is worse than The Room.

Those examples I compared this movie to all have something in common that this movie doesn’t have. That’s a building plot! This movie has a lot of scenes. It has a lot of dialogue. It has a budding relationship between Mandy and Ryan. It has Ryan doing cop work, but it doesn’t really build toward anything. Well, I take that back. It’s building toward Ryan’s eventual situation in the back of that ambulance we saw at the beginning of the movie. But I don’t know the name of his partner. There’s a kind of a loose plot regarding the drug deal that was seen earlier, that led to Tyrone being chased by one cop while Ryan chased a guy who stole drugs from Tyrone, and that guy who stole the drugs ended up getting drive-by murdered by Tyrone’s gang, but we don’t stick around long enough to know for certain if this is going to be a throughline or if Ryan is going to go off to another situation in which a girl is being robbed at a convenience store or being held at knifepoint by her boyfriend.

Why’s that? Because we shift back to the college where Mandy gets made fun of by a couple of guys for dating an old guy. What does she say to her friend about? She says maybe she should be with someone her own age because it’s not worth being different! “It doesn’t pay,” she says. That’s my pull quote for this movie. “Watching Honorable Men… Woof. It doesn’t pay.” Anyway, her friend says that she shouldn’t care about what those goofs say about her boyfriend. Mandy says she does care what people think about her.

Wh… what? She sang Barry Manilow to Ryan! She doesn’t like him anymore? She was willing to get into her underwear for the camera and call Ryan to tell him she doesn’t care about their age difference, and she’s not going to change her mind. But… but she’s changing her mind!

But you see what I mean about this movie sucking so much ass it’s gobbled up the intestines too? This is a movie that is written by a guy who can’t see past himself or what he perceives the world to be like. Black guys deal drugs? They should be shot or arrested and cleaned up off the streets. Hot young girl gives you attention? She’s just flirting and being a tease. She’s going to get weird on you and ruin the relationship at a moment’s notice. She claims she can’t control Ryan. She can control guys her age. That indicates to me that Ryan (or, more accurately, Sayre himself) sees women as something “nice” guys can’t really trust. They don’t make sense to him. He’s done nothing wrong, so she must be the harlot who has decided to change her mind. Never mind that he’s a total goober and a very boring guy. SHE’S the reason he can’t get up in that young puss.

Yet, the very next scene, she’s inviting Ryan over to have hot chocolate and happily waves at him when he approaches the door. It seems like she isn’t so serious about not seeing each other anymore or just remaining friends. However, their entire scene is about them not being together anymore. There are two breakup scenes in this movie. It’s more about the real reason why she wants to break up. It’s not about respecting her father. It’s the age. Why didn’t this dialogue happen in the previous scene? Why did she call him in her nearly see-through underwear to say she’s not worried about their age difference? Why? WHY?!?

This is a movie that is utterly insane. I’m not saying, “Oh, ha ha ha. This movie is crazy!” No. I’m saying this movie is actually insane. Sayre wrote, directed, produced, and starred in a movie that should be committed. It bounces all over the place. It never stays in one spot long enough to establish anything before it bounces off to the next disconnected, lame, and kind of stupid thing.

In the succession of consecutive scenes, Mandy breaks up with Ryan, Mandy breaks up with Ryan again, Ryan goes off to a crime scene, Mandy calls Ryan wearing sexy lingerie, Mandy takes a bath and implies she’s diddling herself in the tub thinking of (barf) Ryan, Mandy then goes to Ryan’s place to make out with him. What is happening here? Are they a couple? Are they not? Is she just fucking with him? Is he just a dummy? Is he even a cop?

There’s one movie I didn’t compare this to that might feel like a misstep, or you might have wondered where this movie compares to that. That movie would be Birdemic. There is a difference between the insanity of Honorable Men and the batshit lunacy of Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Both movies are very, very bad. Both movies have a lot of technical errors. Both movies have terrible acting. Both movies have a dorky lead man who has a love interest kind of out of his league, if not for their professions. Okay, that one is kind of a loose comparison, but still. Mandy likes cops… probably. The guy in Birdemic made exactly one million dollars and invented solar panels. I guess bitches love solar panels.

But, again, it comes down to what Honorable Men does with its series of scenes in contrast to Birdemic. A series of scenes that build a plot in each consecutive scene really does mean something when crafting a narrative. Birdemic, despite being absolutely batshit in its journey, gets to a destination by having a typical narrative string of events. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl realize birds are attacking. Boy and girl save a couple of kids and survive the movie. Birds fly away. Hangin’ out with my family. Having ourselves a party. Again, total batshit stuff happens along the way, but the movie makes sense. Honorable Men has not really built a narrative. It’s just boy is cop. Boy likes girl. Girl desperately tries breaking up with boy. Derp.

And that’s all this movie has been up to a certain point in the runtime.

But I guess they gotta mix something up here. So, just mix that shit up, Ryan discovers that Mandy parties with some guys who have something to do with drug dealing. Ryan, being a totally honorable man, takes the list of names of the people who party at the drug dealers’ house to his superiors, and they plan a big bust. Because they are dealing with drug dealers who sometimes deal to kids as young as 14, they might also be into witchcraft, so they gotta watch out for voodoo spells. I shit you not, they say this in the debriefing as they plan to go out and make the bust.

This leads to Mandy calling Ryan up to tell him she thinks he sucks, his hair is too short, his chest is too hairy, and he stinks like a big ol’ fat doo-doo head.

Good news is that Casey is there to pick up the rebound. Ms. Charles Barkley herself has been playing the long game for Ryan. She has waited around for months for her shot at Ryan… I guess. I mean one scene it was cold and almost Christmas, and now it’s warm and looks like spring. She even made herself up with a plan to “accidentally” run into Ryan at the police station as she stopped by to see her dad. She was practicing how to break the ice with him.

As Casey and Ryan start going on (shiver) dates, Mandy is now hanging out with people closer to her age and yelling out “asshole!” when she sees Ryan on the street. But Mandy is now wondering if she did the right thing breaking up with Ryan. Mandy plots her own revenge. She tells Casey that Ryan called her a slut and that she slept around so much that he might as well get a piece of her himself. That’s a scene that practically goes nowhere other than to force Ryan to have another scene with Mandy and have all three characters in our love triangle have some serious deep contemplation over what to do… which honestly goes nowhere really.

While Casey and Ryan continue on with their relationship, Mandy spirals. She goes over to a friend’s place drunk on beer to drown her sorrows and talk about how much she’s bummed out that Ryan and Casey are happy(?) together. Despite Mandy being day drunk on beer, driving around town and what have you, she cleans up nicely for school where she not only still attends classes she also apparently still does her homework and shit. But at a later party, Mandy drinks so much that she gets a belly ache and crashes pretty hard by collapsing on the floor and needing to be sent to the hospital.

Ryan stops by to visit Mandy once she’s returned home. You know, because he’s an honorable man. For whatever reason, he then goes to visit Mandy and Casey’s professor to get sage advice. The professor was apparently Ryan’s professor too, despite the actor playing the bearded professor, he’s very likely younger than Garrett Sayre. Oh fuck it. Anyway, he tells Ryan that Casey, as a freshman, wrote a poem about loving Ryan. The professor says he should consider sticking with Casey.

That was an absolutely bizarre scene. Like, the scene in any other scenario or movie is fine. But there’s no reason for this movie to have that scene. It’s crazy. This movie should be committed.

There is no point in following up on that scene with the professor because this movie doesn’t know how to sustain any plot point long enough to make it matter. Instead, we’re taken to a courtroom where characters we’ve never seen before are at the stage of a trial in which the defense attorney for somebody, presumably a drug dude, makes the case that the cops and the state have failed at presenting the proper evidence or following the correct protocol leading to the judge dismissing the case outright. What that has anything to do with anything else, I cannot say. I guess it could indicate that the honorable men of Virginia’s finest are shackled by bleeding heart liberal rules of trials and providing proper evidence. It could also mean the honorable men are honorable but fallible? Could the movie be taking that angle? In a scene right after Ryan laments not being able to save Mandy from herself, despite seeing himself as a knight in shining armor coming to her emotional rescue?

Eh…

Anyway, like flipping through a flipbook of scenes, Ryan and his partner go to a diner so the partner can guzzle a glass of milk, then they watch for drug dealers to arrest and flip on their main drug connection, and do a bunch of other bullshit that doesn’t really go anywhere. We’re really running full speed ahead to the conclusion of this movie. Ryan and his partner get a drug dealer they busted to flip on Tyrone. Another raid has gone down that includes the man who was let off previously to lead to a new trial. That one leads to the drug kingpin going away for 20 years, I guess, by way of a bench trial? That seems… not constitutional? Also, Casey breaks up with Ryan because she has a fantasy of Ryan he can’t meet. She loves him, and he doesn’t love her the same way. So… that resolves itself! Go get that blondie Mandy and sing Barry Manilow together, Ryan!

Chet, Mandy’s father, calls Ryan and asks him to come over and keep an eye on her because he’s worried about the people she’s been hanging out with lately. As she sleeps on the couch, Ryan kisses her cheek and tells her he loves her. He then goes to the shipyards and ponders life, or what sandwich he’s going to eat for lunch next Thursday, or whether he’s going to take the over or under during the next Wizards game. Ryan decides to confer with the professor once again to try to figure out who stands up for the hero after the hero stands up for others.

Oh brother, this guy sucks! The story he tells the professor is not a bad one. He talks about a guy on the force when Ryan was still a rookie who went inside a burning house to save a little girl. However, the damage to his lungs from his heroic act forced him into retirement. His fiancée left him because she didn’t want to be with an invalid. He got a nice card and a little award, but who was there for him after all he did?!? Ryan wants to be recognized as a hero, as an honorable man, goddammit! Because that’s exactly what heroes and honorable people want. Casey was in love with the idea of this knight in shining armor, but she’s a weirdo who writes poems about him and believes in holistic medicine and meditation. Yuck! This hero wants the sexy blonde who is much more forward in wanting him to put his little piggy in her pen.

Now, you might think that the moral of this story is that if you do good things, you are owed a woman who is sexy and young and wants you to kiss her “anywhere you want,” as Mandy put it. And, it is. The hero is rewarded by choosing his reward. He’s basically saved Mandy from herself, so he gets to choose where he wants to kiss her now.

But, the movie has come full circle to the beginning of the movie and the drug bust that got Ryan shot. So… I guess he didn’t get to be the big bad hero after all. Ryan fucking dies from his wound. It’s bad enough he thinks of himself as a grand knight in shining armor, but now he’s basically a martyr. The person by his side when he dies? Casey. Mandy is so shattered by Ryan’s condition, she refuses to eat and just mopes around the house. Yeah… Ryan’s great prize for being a great hero is to basically die while being looked after by the person who actually did love him. That Mandy chick is so consumed by her own pain that she cannot even be there for Ryan.

God, this movie sucks.

The thing that really sucks about this movie is that it is nearly unwatchable and unreviewable. You’ve probably read these many thousands of words leading up to this conclusion thinking that I’m either brain damaged, unable to write a concise review that makes sense, or that I’m on drugs. Maybe I’m all three. I dunno. I might have been high to think I could tackle a movie that is this bad. Sure, I’ve written almost 500 of these goddamn reviews, but there are some things that I shouldn’t even try to write about. Honorable Men might just be one of those movies. It really kind of is unreviewable because you can’t really fully explain what is going on in this movie. The movie certainly couldn’t tell us what was going on in it. How did I stand a chance?

Some of the other movies I previously compared and contrasted this movie to, The Room, Samurai Cop (specifically the first, as I’ve covered the second), and Birdemic, are banned from being covered on this blog. Not because I refuse to watch them. I would gladly watch them anytime, any place. It’s just that those movies are low-hanging fruit. They are overrepresented across the bad movie landscape. Aside from RedLetterMedia’s coverage of this movie, this one is still largely unknown.

That’s for a good reason, my Enemaniacs.

This movie is very, very bad. When I think of the pantheon of the worst of the worst ever covered on this blog, Honorable Men would shoot right up near the top. It is barely more of an actual movie than The Howling: New Moon Rising. It’s not quite as anger-inducing as Pot Zombies, but man… This is a movie made by someone who had no business making a movie. Everything about this movie is bad. It’s not just a bad script; it almost feels like it was a script made up of notes and outlines as opposed to actual scenes and dialogue. The actors are all amateurs, and I can’t really fault them for that, but it’s noticeable they were either unable to deliver lines or felt uncomfortable with the lines. No character is particularly interesting because we don’t really know them outside of Sayre’s Ryan. That’s not really a good thing either.

If you are someone who takes pleasure in watching bad movies, or your hobby is to watch as many obscure movies as you can, this might be a fun watch for you. It’s definitely one the right set of friends could sit down and watch and have a good time reveling in the batshittery of it. It would be an impossible sell to anyone else. Even those people who I saw come into the video store on a daily basis and rent the absolute worst shit time after time after time and return it saying they really liked the movie. Even they wouldn’t like this movie.

I think I need to divest myself of this movie and move onward and upward toward next week. And that next review is for a movie that at least has two things I very much can get behind… Dinsosuars and Roger Corman! Yes! It’s time to talk about the most famous dinosaur movie to be released in 1993.* Join me for Roger Corman’s Carnosaur.

* = 1993 has now been renamed The New Avengers.