I know, this blog is missing a few things:
2. Political Correctness
5. Reliable talent at writing
6. More references to when I have a boner over something happening in the movie
This week I figured I’d try to kill at least two birds with one stone with 2008’s Ninja Cheerleaders. Actually, after reviewing the list of weaknesses for the blog, I’m fairly certain I will kill a third bird. That’s right, I’m going to try to be pretty politically correct about what this movie features.
Let’s see what IMDb has to say about this movie in the synopsis: “Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown.”
Yes. More yes. Absolutely yes. Fuck yes. And, yes, you bet your bippy that synopsis has given me a boner. Hey! Looky there… I did kill a third bird. No need to be politically correct anymore!
At a U.S. base, a group of ninjas break in and capture a samurai sword, and then karate kick and punch a bunch of army guys. At their dojo, George Takei (for real, fucking George Takei is the sensei to these ninjas who are all smoking hot chicks) tells them they have all graduated to ninja level and presents them with samurai swords.
Then flash forward to the girls being interrogated by the police about the attack on the army base and the sword they stole. They are asked about their time in a shit dump of a community college. That’s when we’re introduced to our girls – Courtney, April, and Monica. We’re told little tidbits about their ages, their zodiac signs, their favorite karate moves, and all their favorite books – which include books written by Sun Tzu, Chuck Palahniuk, and Kip Thorne. Because they are smart AND hot!
Let me just pause a second here to formally tell this movie to go fuck itself. These girls are cookie cutter designs to try to seem like they would be the perfect girls to hang out with if you are a guy like me. You know, the kind of guy who sits around on a Saturday afternoon breaking down a movie called Ninja Cheerleaders. Also, fuck you movie, because I had to rewind this whole intro sequence because the whole time you were giving me this stuff while telling me about them:
So, yes, you told me lots of stuff about these girls, which were immediately jettisoned the moment they started showing skin. I don’t give two shits anymore about their favorite books or bands. I also think this school they are walking around the campus of is the school from She’s All That. And when one of their classes end, a bell goes off to dismiss them. This does not happen even at a shit dump Community College.
I’m beginning to think no one involved with this picture actually went to college.
Less than 10 minutes into this movie, we’ve gotten to see the girls do cheerleading in two different scenes (individually during their introductions, and part of the whole group of cheerleaders from the school), one of the girls, Courtney, has been kinda hit on by a clumsy, dorky teacher, and a jock who she teases to the point that he pops a boner that sticks out of his open fly. At least I think this is what happened, but we don’t actually see it.
Also, the transitions from one scene to the next includes some ninja sword moves from one of the girls, some cheerleading, and some naked tits at a strip club. I… I don’t know what’s happening in this movie anymore. The girls seemingly are in college, but clearly attend a high school. They are ninjas. George Takei is in this and teaches karate to all sorts of people – guys, ladies, old ladies, our heroines, and a little girl. So it kinda seems like we have a relatively harmless little action comedy sort of thing? But the synopsis said they are go-go dancers. Guess what? They are absolutely not go-go dancers. They are straight up strippers. But they don’t actually show their tits. So I’m frustrated by the fact that the synopsis said they were simple go-go dancers. I’m even MORE frustrated that they are actually strippers in George Takei’s strip club, but they don’t actually show their tits.
After they leave the club (by the way they only dance there because they are saving money to go to Brown – as in the Ivy League university), they are cornered by some sailors who want to rape them. So they beat them up. Fuck you U.S. Navy! You guys suck!
I’d like to say this movie sucks like the Navy guys. Oh, and don’t get me wrong, it sucks. But this is better than Avengers Grimm.
The girls all go over to Monica’s house where her 23 year old mom rails them for stripping, but it’s okay! She got a letter from Brown saying she got in! They go to sleep after doing some studying and tease that they all fucked each other – well, they all slept in the same bed and I think at least two of them seemed down to work each other out – but godfuckingdammit! I want to see these girls do it with each other. You can’t just tease their lesbian activities or stripping and then take it away from us! GODDAMMIT!
Anyway, some bad guys make a move on George Takei who refuses to pay the mob for operating in their territory. So he is missing, and the giant black guy who is the friendly bouncer at the club is hurt. They also found that the safe where their Brown money has been taken. They find the guy who was trying to threaten George the night before and when he doesn’t give any info to them despite having his nuts in the tight, kung fu action grip of April’s hands, they come up with another idea – to cram a garden hose up his ass and give him an enema.
They jibber jabber about a plan to take their finals, and find George Takei, and crushing nuts because guys think they are so superior. I don’t know what they were talking about. I was a bit distracted about how meta this movie went with the title of my blog.
Will one of these girls please show me their tits?
Okay, so they continue their search. They visit the bouncer guy at the hospital. April gets mad at the guy because he’s concerned or wants to help or some such shit. April is mad at men! GRRRR! She was the one who, when the girls were going to bed at the sleepover, said she wasn’t tired and gave me that idea that they were doing each other. They are also getting followed by a cop who they try to act like dumb, flirty girls to get away from him, but it only goes so far – just like my patience. He tries to take them downtown but they escape so they can still take their finals and dance at this contest where if they win, they will be able to pay for Brown. April wants to find George Takei. However, they just kinda walk through this movie with no real urgency and beat up a guy who was rude to some girl scouts.
I’m not exactly sure what time their finals are or what time they are supposed to be dancing in this stripper national championship thing or what. However, they aren’t really getting a move on with anything in this fucking movie. I’ve barely seen any tits. I’ve barely seen much in the way of ass kicking. I’ve seen even less cheerleading. C’mon, movie, I’m begging you to try.
So the girls infiltrate the crime boss hideout and start punching some guys. Michael Pare is there as the bad guy doing something of a Donald Trump impersonation. He tells the girls if the girls get the deed tot he strip club, and he will give them back George and the safe with their college money. This seems like a decent deal. They get college and George Takei and all his future Taco Bell commercials. They want none of this. So Pare tells them to leave and call him when they have the deed tot he club regardless.
The bad guy has his own ninja lady who is pretty damn sultry herself. She’s told to follow them and when they make the deal he’s going to give them George’s corpse and his ninja lady will get to fight our good girls. Anyway, I still don’t know when finals or the strip club super bowl is happening but they go cheer at a basketball game. The bad guys show up a\to try to kill them, but guess what… They get their asses handed to them. They threaten to torture a guy to get the location of George Takei. They also meet Kinji, the evil ninja lady who speaks in the third person, but escape her. Thank god, the girls get to the stripper world series and perform. They win. BUT I have a very important question… When was finals? They kept talking about needing to take finals and even argue about whether or not George Takei would want them to save him or take their finals. I haven’t seen these girls take a fucking test. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen them actually write anything in this movie. Oh fuck it, they needed to win that stripper championship.
After being crowned the stripper rulers of the world, the girls go to the pier where George Takei and Michael Pare are exchanging words (lines like, “It’s obvious you’ve never run a crime family!” are used as reasons why George Takei should hand over the strip club). The fight goes down, but this is when I also notice that the girls have had samurai swords strapped to their backs each time they go on a mission, but they never use them. Not once do they slice a guy’s face off. Not once! Even the peace loving taekwondo guys in Miami Connection did that! Anyway, George Takei shoots Michael Pare.
Finally, it’s down to our girls vs. Kinji. Finally, the swords come out. April is interrupted by a phone call from the Mayor of Strippers who tells them they won the contest. I think this was supposed to be funny because Kinji is all super serious about killing the good guys, but it wasn’t. This scene goes on forever, and even George Takei looks bored during it. Kinji ultimately defeats the girls, and George Takei picks up a sword and turns out to be a total badass and super fast! Apparently Kinji used to be a student of his so it’s like when Darth Vader took on Obi-Wan Kenobi in the first Star Wars movie, but nothing like that because this movie sucks. George knocks out Kinji with some sort of Vulcan neck thing and the cops come to sort it all out.
Hey, remember that this movie is called Ninja Cheerleaders? Yeah. It should have been called Old Asian Guy Who Is an Internet Superstar But Used to Be Sulu Is the Best Ninja because he’s the one who wins the movie. The girls who we have been “rooting”(?) for the whole movie were rendered completely useless once they saved George. Anyway, the girls are going to Brown!
Goddammit! I’m pretty sure Brown is a proper noun. Movie… Again… Try. Goddammit, they are going to an Ivy League school. Brown will not stand for their name not being capitalized!
The movie ends with some outtakes in the credits because that is always appreciated – especially after a movie that sucks. Then there’s a stinger in which Michael Pare’s character’s dad vows revenge on the Ninja Cheerleaders. I guess he just forgot about that because there has been no sequel.