If there is one thing I’m kinda into, it’s the idea of “untamed maidens” and the possibility of being captured as their mate.

This week, I want to travel back to the late 1950s to talk about a movie that is pretty notoriously bad.  It’s kinda pointed to as one of those classic, women-gone-wild types of movies that came out near the end of the 50s.  It’s almost like these movies were in direct conflict with the reality of housewives and the June Cleavers of the pop culture landscape.  It’s a precursor to the sexual revolution that would grip the 60s.

However, I have to admit, I’m mostly looking forward to seeing scantily clad women when this movie gets started.

For some reason, this movie was included in the 50-pack “Sci-Fi Classics” set.  It doesn’t really seem to be very sci-fi in nature.  It looks like spears and loin cloths and aligator gods and what have you.  Eh, what do I know.  The sleeve for this disc says:

“We travel tot he island paradise known as Wongo, where a clan of beautiful women are pining for company.  Luckily, they discover a tribe of handsome men on the opposite side of the island.  Unfortunately for the romantically challenged women, the island is also home to a horde of lonely ape men who are planning to forcibly take them as mates.”

Okay, fuck what I said about this being a precursor to the sexual revolution of the 60s.  This movie posits the idea that these horny broads just need some dick.  Which, based on everything I seem to know about women, is kinda true, right?  I mean, broads are just objects, yeah?

Oh…  Okay.  Now I’m being advised to shut up and just get this breakdown started.  Let’s go to that island paradise and meet us The Wild Women of Wongo!

Let’s start by taking a look at the title card.  Which, I think is just fucking brilliant:

Look at this.  It’s got liberated women chasing after some poor schmuck.  They have spears and hammers, presumably to smash his balls with because they are liberated women who much put an end to men’s superiority.  There’s a cat just watching as if to say, “Holy shit!  What the fuck is going on here?  Run, dude, run!  These bitches are crazy!”  We are definitely off and running, here.

We then get an introduction from Mother Nature herself explaining how she and Father Time worked together to build all we see.  She says they made a mistake in one of their experiments.  On the island of Wongo, they made all the women beautiful and all the men brutish and ugly.  They put these two groups on one side of the island.  Then, on the other, she explains they have beautiful men and ugly, brutish women.  She said the experiment didn’t work so well because of the “wild women of Wongo.”

Okay, I’m no theologian, but let’s break down all this that we were just told.  First, apparently God is not  the all powerful creator of everything.  Oh no, Christians, sorry, you lose.  It’s Mother Nature and Father Time.  Throw out all your crosses and bibles, it’s time to start over because this movie says so.  Second, who in their right fucking minds thought this little “experiment” would work.  Yeah, let’s make some pretty people and ugly people and make them exist on an island but separated so the prettier gender on one side of the island has to deal with ugly people of the opposite gender.  This shit is pretty bonkers if you ask me.

And it’s a pretty flimsy premise to build your women-in-skimpy-clothing movie to boot.

But I digress.  After our introduction from Mother Nature, we are introduced to one of the men from the pretty guy side of the island.  He’s trekking through the jungle doing… something.  A woman peeks her head up from behind some rocks to watch him, and we see it is, what I hope, one of the pretty girls from the opposite end of the island.  I’m hoping so because she’s hot, and I’m afraid if she is from the “ugly” women group, the pretty women will probably make for a pretty big explosion in my pants.

But no, this chick is some sort of priestess?  I don’t know what’s going on here.  He says the women of Wongo are ready to mate or something and asks this woman’s permission to I guess go impregnate them or something.  So she takes him to an underground place to talk to a alligator god about this sexy development on the island.  I hate to say this, but I’m six minutes into this piece of shit and I’m confused.

So they talk to this alligator, and I guess things are pretty cool with him for these chicks to get married to the men of Wongo and make some babies.  The guy, who is the King of Wongo, by the way, goes back to his little boat and rows back to his village.  We then check in on our titular ladies of the pretty girl side of the island as some do their work and some frolic on the beach.  We’re shown a pair of snoring man’s feet who they seem concerned about waking or something.  The feet belong to the King of Wongo.

And now I’m completely and utterly confused.  Mother Nature said she mixed the pretty girls and the ugly men and the ugly girls and pretty men together, but so far, I’ve just seen nothing but attractive people interacting with each other.  What the serious fuck is going on here.  Is the King of Wongo, a former soccer player, I might add, supposed to be ugly?  Or are these women, who are absolutely gorgeous, supposed to be ugly?  What the shit is happening in this movie?  Why did our newly minted goddess, Mother Nature, lie to us?!?

Things take a turn when a guy in a white loin cloth arrives.  This is a guy from the hot guy side of the island.  We know this because all the pretty girls of Wongo are all wetting themselves over him.  So now, I understand that the good looking guys who we have seen now, are the supposed ugly, brutish men of Wongo.  Fuck.  I’m so confused.

The king’s daughter makes eyes with the guy in white.  There’s an incredibly awkward silence as everyone kind of looks at each other like to say “What’s going on here?”  As she passes him food, he touches her hand and things start to ramp up 1950s style.  After the king tells his daughter to scram, the prince of Guna (Goona?) tells the men of Wongo that there are ape like men coming from the sea to attack.  The king of Wongo is all about being manly and saying he is not scared of these ape men.

I still have about an hour of this movie left and I’m really beginning to regret some life choices.

All the men discuss this warning from the prince.  They think they will lose all their women to this other tribe so they decide to kill him.  Not just kill him, but kill him in front of the women to show their superiority.  When the king talks to his daughter, she asks to be given to the prince since they are all royalty and shit.  The king goes ape shit and says she is committing sacrilege and tosses her into her hut.

I guess now is as good a time as any to say that a lot of scenes are given an added “punch” from a wise-cracking, talking parrot.  I guess the filmmakers either thought they needed the parrot to provide some commentary or felt the audience would be baffled by what people are saying and the way they are saying it that they would need this bird to act as their surrogate.  I fucking hate this movie.

So the skinny bald guy buys the king’s daughter for his son with a bag of seashells.  She overhears the transaction, and is pretty upset about it.  But when she hears that skinny’s son is going to kill the hot guy, she’s downright horrified by it.  We are nearly at 30 minutes in and the movie named The Wild Women of Wongo has primarily been about dudes.

That night, while the village sleeps, the king’s daughter meets with the prince, and they straight fuck in a garden.  The next morning, the men look to execute their plan to execute the prince.  The girls all talk about how their fathers are going to kill him.  The king’s daughter asks for help from her friends and they attack the guy who was set to kill the prince.  When she’s flung off her would-be husband, she knocks over the little stick with their alligator god on it.  So the women are all sent off as sacrifices or something.

I don’t really know what’s happening, but the women have pissed off the tribe, and sent off.  Back on the other side of the island, the prince returns and tells the guys about the women of Wongo.  We get our first look at the women of Guna, and yoinks…  They are all moled and hairy.  Could you imagine answering that casting call?  I mean how horrible would you feel to have been cast as the ugly women of the tribe?

The women of Wongo, meanwhile, are waiting to talk to the priestess from the start of the movie.  When they say they have waited several days for the god to come and take a sacrifice, but nothing has happened.  Appropriately, the priestess makes them all dance for their god.  I mean, that’s what happens when you don’t get sacrificed, right?  You do some interpretive dancing.  Nothing makes someone want to sacrifice you faster!  The girls twirl and undulate and I’m sure this was all super sexy in 1958, but I call it filler.  They have to put something in the movie to have it get to 76 minutes.  Why not some dance numbers?

That scenes ends with no resolution.  The next day or later or something, some of the girls go skinny dipping where an alligator comes and attacks.  The girls escape, but the king’s daughter jumps in and wrestles it.  I guess if there is one good thing about this movie is that the alligator wrestling is well shot underwater.  While it is clearly a rubber doll of an alligator, the daughter kills the alligator.  The girls do a little in-fighting because they are girls, and I wait for sweet, sweet death to escape the rest of this movie because that is what I do.

The king’s daughter’s best friend is the next to wait to see if she is eaten by an alligator.  The daughter says she will keep an eye on her to help if their god comes to take her.  Instead of their god coming to take her, two men, presumably from these “ape-like tribe of men” take her instead.  She is able to let out a short scream which gets the rest of the women out from their hut to come to her aid.  The girls force the two men into the waiting mouth of an alligator.  The girls casually return to their hut and talk about returning to Wongo to see if the ape men have attacked their homes.

The next day… sigh.  Do I have to do anymore of this?  The girls return, the men are gone or dead, the king’s daughter takes command, one of the girls bitchy about it, there’s some sexy female wrestling, the parrot makes more comments, they meet up with the men of Guna and get their guys.  Oh, and the remaining men who didn’t die from Wongo get the ugly girls from Guna.  A happy end for all!

Except me.  Because I wasted over an hour with this turd.

This movie is utterly horrible.  It definitely lives up to its reputation.  It’s like the makers of the movie wanted to make some sort of gladiator or prehistoric adventure movie but only had money for the loin cloths and and alligator.  Not to mention, they only had a Florida park to film at so they couldn’t make it look like Italy or Greece.  So they took a couple minutes, came up with a goofy story, told everyone to talk funny, and shot it in like a day or two.

I have nothing more to say, other than to give a warning to not watch this movie.  The title might seem appealing.  It might seem like a fun time for all.  You might even see some skin.  But you don’t.  So just stay away.