We’ve come to the end of Alyssa Milano Month here at B-Movie Enema and ladies and gents, I have saved the biggest treat for last – Embrace of the Vampire.

Go back twenty some years.  You’re a guy roughly my age.  You also work at a video store.  You remember watching a little show on TV called Who’s the Boss and you very likely had a major crush on Tony’s daughter, Samantha (Milano, no duh).  She was spunky, she was cute, she was awesome.  She was your girlfriend each week when the show came on.

Now, you’re working one day at the video store and you see this new movie put out starring the girl who played Samantha and she’s super all grown up and stuff.  She’s got one picture of her on the box that looks like she’s getting some action and another picture of her with knee high stockings and her shirt holding on for dear life before it slips down.  She’s got that super hot mid-90s above-the-shoulder hairstyle and everything.  Words like “Embrace” and “Vampire” are emblazoned on the box in red.  Your eighteen-year-old mind is racing.  You know what’s happening here.

You have to see this.

And you do.

And it’s a VERY important moment in your maturing life.

Flash forward to the very end of 2016.  You’re now a weird, kinda old, dude who watches shitty movies so he can write about them.  My friends, the joke is on you.  Welcome to my goddamn nightmare.

Our synopsis is quite simple.  IMDb says: “An 18-year-old college freshman is seduced by a handsome vampire lover who introduces her to a dark world of carnal desires.”

Frankly, that is all you need to know because there is no better way to talk about this glorious flick than to use a phrase like “a dark world of carnal desires”.  Let’s dig deeper and I will try not to pass out from all the blood rushing from my head as this movie plays itself out.

The movie starts with our vampire, played by Martin Kemp, telling a story of how he was once in love.  His lady kinda looks like Alyssa Milano (but is not) and they would meet without anyone knowing because she was royalty and he wasn’t.  But they’d go to the woods and make out in a creek.  I don’t know why they don’t just go all the way, but whatever.  She’s a virgin and that’s important for when he later is looking for his lost love and finds Alyssa Milano.  Anyway, he’s visited by some naked chicks and they feed on him because they are vampire chicks with fake boobies.  They put a necklace around him that is essentially an ankh and it glows when vampire shit happens.

Flash forward to the present day.  He says he’s found the soul of his old love in a college student.  In three days, he’ll fall into eternal sleep I guess.  He calls out to Charlotte (Milano) and she goes to his little hangout by the college she and her boyfriend, Chris, attend.  The vampire plans to put doubt in both her and Chris’ minds so they essentially break up so he can swoop in and pick up Charlotte on the rebound.  That plan seems a bit flawed.  I mean, he’s a vampire with only like three days left in his time on Earth.  He can make her come to him, plant ideas in both their heads that they aren’t right for each other.  Can’t he just make her break up with Chris or just turn her into a vampire and be done with it?

Oh whatever, I guess she has to freely be into him.

I just realized that between this guy, Martin Kemp, David Keith, and Xander Berkeley, lots of weird looking dudes got to kiss all up on Alyssa Milano.  The 90s were a weird time, man…

So far, this movie is a lot of monologing for Kemp.  But it serves as a pretty good exposition dump.  The vampire can’t just do what he wants because I guess the curse doesn’t work that way.  Charlotte needs to love him.  Okay.  He can’t just kill Chris because that would break her heart.  Check.  He only has three days left.  Gotcha.

Chris goes to check in on Charlotte, and finds her on the front step of her dorm.  He takes her inside and puts her in bed and lays with her.  They wake up the next morning and she’s rightfully surprised he’s there.  She’s kinda sweet on him being a little worried about her being in danger, but I guess it’s kind of a good thing he did show up.  I mean a not-so-dressed Alyssa Milano just laying out on the sidewalk could invite all sorts of danger.  She’s also pretty keen on the idea of remaining a virgin..  She will change practically in front of him, as long as he turns around and doesn’t look, but…  That’s a bit odd. But as a member of the audience, I’m a fan because we’re shown some sweet, sweet booby action.

I think this might be the last time for a very long time that I can say this, but I am so very, very, very thankful for Alyssa Milano being so cool with showing her body.

Chris is a bit frustrated as anyone with a girlfriend as hot as Charlotte.  She’s not wanting to have sex until she finds the right guy.  It has to do with how Catholic she was raised.  He wishes she was a bit more like her dad who was kind of promiscuous.  Also, it’s mentioned that she’s almost turning eighteen.  So I guess she’s either in college early, or had one of those weird birthdays or something, but she’s not even supposed to be eighteen in this movie – at least until the very end.  I feel like I should have Matthew McConaughey come in here and finish this article Dazed and Confused style.

Anyway, the vampire comes into Charlotte’s room and tears open her nightgown and starts to kiss her all over her body and stuff.  She rejects him and wakes up a little curious why her nightgown is completely open and she’s not really under the covers.  The next morning, her neighbor from across the hall, Nicole (The Craft‘s Rachel True) and campus slut Eliza (the lovely Jordan Ladd) see Charlotte and walk to class with her.  Eliza tells some story about the sex she has which makes Charlotte a little uncomfortable.  Eliza gives her some shit about Charlotte being a virgin and just being a total bitch.  Generally, though, Charlotte’s having a problem staying focused and she’s daydreaming about weird stuff.  When they go into the dorm, they see a hot guy coming out one of the girl’s rooms and they kind of salivate over him.

You all see what’s going on here, right?  Charlotte is a good Catholic girl who is slowly being corrupted and getting all sexy and stuff and eventually showing her boobs?  You know, like most young guys’ erotic fantasies, yeah?

Okay, glad we’re on the same page here.

Charlotte’s not able to find her cross that Chris gave her.  She does find the ankh though and tells Nicole she’s never seen it before and she’s had dreams about it.  She also says she thinks the guy in her dreams is a vampire.  Nicole decides Charlotte just needs to go to a party and lighten up.  I agree wholeheartedly.  Nicole puts the ankh on and takes her to the party.  She talks to a guy there and when Eliza sees this, she bitches out the guy for talking to Charlotte instead of hanging out with her.  The guy and Eliza go off to smoke some pot.  When Charlotte is left alone, the ankh glows and she gets up and walks to the roof of where the party is where the vampire is waiting for her.  The vampire and her talk a little bit and he reveals that she does see him at night, but not in the dreams she thinks she’s having and he’s her destiny.  You know, the typical lines guys tell girls.  He tells her that he gave her the ankh and that it has powers.  They make out, but when Nicole calls to her, the vampire disappears and everyone is kinda confused about what’s going on.

Nicole finds a guy for Charlotte to hang out with, but she doesn’t seem so interested in him.  He tries to essentially rape her (seriously, what is it with these d-bags trying to rape Alyssa Milano in these movies – be cool dudes, be cool), but the vampire is there to kill him.  He then finds Nicole and her guy and kills them.  That night, Chris has a nightmare of Charlotte making love to a guy in the woods.  That guy, of course, is the vampire.  This plants the seeds of doubt in Chris’ mind.

But, hey… At least Chris now knows how hot Charlotte is when she’s getting laid.

Chris calls Charlotte to see if she’s okay.  I mean I guess Chris is a good guy and all, but he’s waaaaaay too over-bearing.  He goes for a drink and to study, and the vampire is there at the bar too.  He bugs Chris and talks about how it’s really important to trust the one you are in love with and when he asks if he completely trusts his girlfriend when he’s not with her, and just like that, Chris is doubting Charlotte and it looks like the vampire is slowly winning the movie.  Just like how Chris had a dream about Charlotte having sex with the vampire, Charlotte now has a dream of Chris having sex with Jennifer Tilly.  Chris is doing okay for himself in this movie.  I mean he basically saw Alyssa Milano’s boobs, and he fucks Jennifer Tilly on a fire escape.  Way to go, dude.

So it’s now the final day of the vampire, and Charlotte is walking around in a white shirt, a pair of shorts, Keds, and knee-high stockings.  I love the 90s.  Sarah (Charlotte Lewis) takes some pictures of Charlotte and invites her back to her studio to take some more pictures.  And here comes the most famous scene of any direct-to-video movie ever.  When Sarah starts taking some pictures, she has Charlotte open up a bit and show some boob and they make out a little bit.  Oh, experimentation…  Two hot chicks making out, smoking cloves, letting the movie camera just soak in every inch of Charlotte’s body…

Have I mentioned that I loved the 90s?

I think it should be mentioned that there is not one guy I have ever met who didn’t like this scene between Alyssa Milano and Charlotte Lewis.  One, a girl who we all grew up lusting for.  The other, someone who dropped her clothes for Playboy.  This happened right around that sweet spot for guys my age to know that watching two girls kissing each other is something you just can’t see enough of.  Especially, when one is the virgin and the other is the sexually active one…  Goddammit it is an amazing and glorious moment in all our formative years.

On the eve of Charlotte’s eighteenth birthday, she calls Chris to cancel her plans with him.  These plans included them having sex – there wasn’t a scene I can remember where this plan was actually made, but really, Chris, go get ’em, kid!  She says she just needs to stay home and study that night.  In class, the vampire shows up and talks to Charlotte.  She begs him to leave her alone, but he says he can’t.  The class thinks she’s a crazy person because she’s talking to no one. or that is how it appears.  He tells her that by midnight, she will want him and he will be able to go on living because he will have her.  You know, the typical lines guys say to girls.

That night, she falls asleep studying and has a dream in which she’s all sexed up and lying on a bed with naked Chris kissing her all over and what have you.  Oh and Sarah shows up too.  Goddamn this guy playing Chris is doing really, really well for himself.  While his credits date back to the mid-70s, Harold Pruett, who played Chris, didn’t do much after this.  I guess you can’t blame him.  Once you get to do this, can you do any better?

I rest my case.

This dream sequence is so long, I daresay it is nearly obscene because even the Vampire comes a long and gets in on this.  I mean this scene is like Thanksgiving.  There’s a feast all over Alyssa Milano and goddammit if it didn’t change the course of human history when this movie was released on VHS back in ’95.  This is damn near porn and boys all over the place discovered all sorts of new feelings and experiences and tinglies all over.

Seriously, the movie is continuing and I’m a little sidetracked.  Chris and Charlotte is having a bit of a fight.  I guess they are breaking up or something.  I just want to see some more of dem tittaes.  Actually, I’m not having that hard of a time wanting to see those bad boys because while I’m writing this, I can still see the picture above, so I’m just staring at that…

Okay, I gotta get back on track.

Chris is at the bar talking to his roommate about Charlotte and their conversation.  Jennifer Tilly walks up and hits on Chris causing him to be tempted.  Back at Charlotte’s dorm, she’s having a cigarette, because every time an Alyssa Milano character is about to have a sexual awakening, she has to have a cigarette, and thinking about what the vampire said about her becoming his.  She goes into Nicole’s room and barrows a sexy dress and goes to a party.

Eliza tries to drug Charlotte with a rufie in a glass of wine.  Because Eliza is a bitch.  She gets a little messed up, she sees an orgy breaking out to some fake Alice in Chains music, and stumbles around watching guys fuck girls, girls fuck guys, girls fuck girls.  You name it, it’s happening.  Things take a weird turn when she sees the vampire start to bite everyone she knows.  She runs out of the party and hears the vampire say he needs her and she can save him.

Back at the bar, Chris is led out of the bar by Jennifer Tilly  We see she has the same tattoo on her left boob that the vampire has on his left pec.  I could be wrong here, but I think Jennifer Tilly is a vampire sent to make Chris forget about Charlotte.  In fact, I believe I may be right when she keeps telling Chris to “forget her”.  I’m pretty certain she is some sort of vampire.  Actually, she turns into the main vampire.  Did Chris almost fuck a vampire dude?

Sarah comes over to check on Charlotte.  She questions how different Charlotte seems to be lately. Charlotte decides she wants to get a little more off Sarah and maybe finish what they started when Sarah was photographing her.  Charlotte, being a little more forward than usual, just goes up and rubs on Sarah’s tits.

Again…  I cannot properly tell you just how down I am for this.  Whatever these girls want to do with each other, which includes Charlotte straight up fingering Sarah, I am 100% up for.  Sarah runs away, though, when Charlotte bites her when they start kissing.  I would think, and maybe I’m crazy here, that Sarah would be used to some kinky shit like biting.  When a guy who has shown some interest in Charlotte comes to check on her, she and Eliza get into a fight until the vampire comes along and kills Eliza by bashing her head into Charlotte’s door.  But not before she calls Charlotte a “fucking cunt”, and that’s hilarious.  Even Charlotte laughed at that.

With time running short on the vampire’s life and this movie, he calls for Charlotte to come to him and be with him.  She goes to the clock tower where the vampire is hanging out, and Chris sees her and follows.  So now we have our vampire, who is about to feast on Charlotte, and Chris all now in the same place.  The vampire keeps saying Chris can’t take her from him.  With the clock striking midnight, the vampire has to make his play for Charlotte.  As he is about to bite her, she says Chris’ name.  He tries to make her stop thinking about Chris, but the second time she says his name proves to the vampire that she won’t love him.  So he gives up.  Hundreds of years, and saying “Chris” twice makes him give up.  Poor guy.

Yay for Chris though, I suppose.  And I guess Yay for Charlotte’s mortal soul, but she’s not going to be nearly as hot as she was when the vampire was juicing her sex bits.

Oh well.  The chaste win and I’m thinking Charlotte is probably wanting to celebrate that victory she and Chris are enjoying by fucking his holy shittin’ brains out.  Well, that’s how my version of this movie ends.

I kid you not, readers, this movie, while maybe not quite as “good” as, say, Confessions of Sorority Girls or even Poison Ivy II in terms of plot and characters, this is one of those movies that you just never, ever, ever, never forget.  Almost every guy knows what was going through their minds and their loins when they saw this movie for the first time.  I guess some girls maybe liked it too, but this one was totally for us.  It’s a touchstone type of moment that has us all stoned off the sexual shit happening here that also made us touch ourselves.

Well, I’m officially spent after five consecutive Alyssa Milano movies.  There’s really not much more I can do from her library.  I am certainly about out of how often I can comment on her beauty, or her boobs, or her ass.  So, let’s ring in the new year with some new B-Movies and some new fucking weird shit.  See you all in 2017!

Oh…  one more time, let’s take a look at Charlotte Lewis and Alyssa Milano making out…

(NOTE: Whatever you do, don’t watch the 2013 remake made by Anchor Bay.  I thought maybe I’d check it out through Hulu when I found it was actually on there to stream.  Seriously, I wasn’t not looking up additional Alyssa Milano movies to watch.  Not at all…  I totally was looking up more Alyssa Milano movies to watch.  Anyway, the remake is a cruel and pale imitation of the original.  No one is likable and it’s convoluted and stupid.  Steer clear of that no matter what.  Also, steer clear of that version because this one is a goddamn masterpiece.)

(ALSO NOTE: I have a feeling I’m going to cover the remake at some point in the future to write the definitive essay on why that remake is unnecessary and horrible.)