Say… What have we here? Ladies… Allow me to introduce myself to you – I am a dude who makes terrible decisions in the quest to find a good girl. And, shiiit… You are apparently your Mama’s Dirty Girls after all. You are 100% my style.
All that first paragraph was for me to say the following:
OF COURSE I WOULD EVENTUALLY COVER THIS MOVIE.
Mama’s Dirty Girls features two returning babes from past B-Movie Enema articles. Candice Rialson (Chatterbox, Summer School Girls) and Sondra Currie (Policewomen). I became very aware of this movie after that Policewomen piece because lo and behold… Both of these fine hotties were featured in a movie with this title. It’s like laying Peanut M&M’s in a line out of a door, down the porch, out into the sidewalk, and into the woods to lure a fat kid out of his home. The impulse to someday cover this movie was just too great.
So what’s the movie about anyhow? Well, it’s about a mom and her daughters to rob, abuse, and kill a “gaggle” (no shit the back of the box I have for this says “gaggle”) of deserving men. It also promises plenty of violence, nudity, and sleaze and claims that helped secure this as a real Drive-In Classic! So… I am really looking forward to this, so fuck off to the rest of this preamble and let’s see what this whole situation is with these dirty girls and their mama!
Jesus fucking Christ does this movie know how to get things started!
Any movie that decides to give us a topless Candice Rialson in the first sixteen seconds has my attention. No shit, it was literally sixteen seconds before I got the whole fucking reason why I bought this movie. So, with that said, I guess I’m done here. Next week, I’m watching Nightmare Weekend…
Oh… The opening credits are starting. Holy shit, I still have whole bunch of movie and sexiness to go?!?
So Becky (Rialson) goes out to relax in the pool. A guy named George is watching her as most of us weirdo dudes would in this very scenario. She tells George he should jump in and go for a swim. Apparently, George is married to “Mama” (Gloria Grahame), and Mama’s three girls often tease him and such. George decides he’s had enough and forces himself on Becky, but Mama catches him and forces him to write a written confession that comes across like a suicide note.
When you think things have calmed down and George has decided to stop messing with the girls under threat of apparent forced suicide by Mama, Becky, uhm, beckons him into the bathroom to shower with her. She shows them titties and he actually covers her up and tells her no. But… Well, Mama, Becky, and Addie (Currie) attack and slice his ass up.
You know, it’s times like this where I kind of think maybe I don’t wanna look at dem tittaes, ya know? Like, maybe it’s best that I just don’t look at girls and such? Maybe one will come along and slice my ass up and make it look like a suicide. But then again… Candice Rialson’s boobs, right? Yeah, they are worth being sliced up like George was.
After George is buried, Mama and the girls are disappointed to discover that George didn’t own anything. On top of that, he had hardly any money. Mama basically lays it out that she wasted the last year on George only to come up with no property or money. It would appear there is a scheme a-cookin’. It’s time for the girls to go out and get what they feel they deserve!
Anyway, Roy Collins, a cop who pulls the girls over catches the eye of Addie. Mama approves of her eyeing that lean piece of bacon. They go to a motel to check in while Becky checks out the man meat painting his house across the way. The innkeeper, Harold, mentions he’s a widower. She explains she’s waiting for the inheritance to come through. So Harold says that she should stick around for a few days free of charge. It’s not long before Mama uses her wiles on him to cozy up to him.
Meanwhile, Cindy, the third daughter, meets the son of the hardware store owner and causes his crotch to get a little tighter in the jeans. Becky goes for Willy, the guy painting the house earlier who likes to work out on his days off. She tells him she’s hot for his doughy bod, but frankly, it’s Candice Rialson, she kind of doesn’t need to say anything. Just go in, flash him, lick your lips, and walk out. He’ll get the picture, but I suppose you can use words. That’s fine too I guess.
Addie strikes up a conversation with Sheriff Roy. Again… I’m not sure words are all that necessary because goddamn Sondra Currie is gorgeous too, but whatever, use words. Talk and waste time. Anyway, it does raise a good question…
Should Addie be fuckin’ with the 5-0? I mean, their plan is to basically take these hapless morons for all they got, should the police be involved? Isn’t usually the point to, like, I dunno… AVOID that kind of fuzz? What’s more… The sheriff is a little suspect of Harold. I’m guessing there were some shenanigans around his wife’s death.
So Mama tells the girls that Harold plans to marry her so they can get his land. Later, the local hobo approaches Harold and tells him he saw Harold hold his wife under the water while she was drowning. The hobo practically asks for little. Harold is like, “Yeah, rummy, go up to the motel and wait for me and I’ll give you something to shut you up.”
Of course this leads to murder.
Shortly afterwards, Mama and Harold are happily married and celebrating with her girls. I suppose you can say these two are kind of perfect for each other. Mama killed that one husband and Harold killed his wife. You know what? I’m always game for a good romance. I am really rooting for these two crazy kids. I mean, they seem so happy together.
But, uh oh… Mama has found Harold’s gun. I am positive that won’t play out badly for anyone.
Things seem to be going well. Harold likes Mama’s cooking. Mama lights his cigars. The daughters are hawt. Things seem very good. Mama keeps stringing Harold along with this whole estate thing from George. Harold says he’s going to leave everything in a new will to Mama and Mama says she’ll draw up a new will to leave everything to Harold. This, of course, leads to them both saying something along the lines of “You never know what will happen to either of us tomorrow!”
Get it? Do you see what’s going on there? Yeah? They are gonna try to kill each other.
With the sheriff constantly hanging around to get all up in Addie’s beeswax, Harold is understandably nervous. However, I don’t think he should be all that nervous. Sheriff guy goes into Addie’s room and they fuck hard. Which is smart because Sonda Currie is nothing to sneeze at – she’s probably super awesome in bed. That is, if they actually did it in the bed.
Seriously, they live in a motel. Literally, a motel. What is it that motels are known for? Being, essentially, only a bedroom. The operative part of that compound word is BED. Motel rooms are basically a bed and, well, pretty much nothing else. Why are they fucking on the floor. On their knees? Hmmm… I feel like this cop might just be dumb enough for Sondra Currie to talk him into killing his wife or something.
Because no sexy exploitation movie can be complete without a girl fight, Cindy and Addie have fisticuffs, sexy, sexy hair-pulling fisticuffs, over Addie wanting Cindy to wash her stockings despite Cindy saying Mama told her to clean the motel rooms first. Apparently, Addie gets an idea with some of the spilled tools from when Cindy’s boyfriend comes to break up the fight. Elsewhere, Mama and Harold have taken a couple attempts to kill each other. And Becky decides to sex up Dufus McGee the handyman. He gets a little too grabby with her and she has to promise him that he gets more next time.
Addie goes to see Sheriff Roy’s wife to tell her that Roy intends on marrying her. When the wifey-poo is indignant of Addie’s claims, Addie stabs her with Cindy’s boyfriend’s fucking knife and kills her! Shockingly, Roy knows immediately that Addie was the one who killed her. Addie wants him to conceal the weapon and make sure that Cindy’s boyfriend, Paul, takes the fall, but Roy is realistic and aware that eventually investigators will come. Cindy helps hide Paul for the night while Roy goes looking for him.
And by “hide Paul for the night” I mean they fuck.
Meanwhile, in the Wiley Coyote and Roadrunner subplot that is Mama and Harold, she tries to electrocute him by turning on the breaker while he’s working on something, but Cindy comes over to help causing her to renege on the plan… Only to see that Harold has taken back the wires that could have electrocuted him after all.
This entire movie is filled with insane people – except for Cindy and Paul. George was probably a rapist (or would have been if he couldn’t keep his shit in check). Mama will just do whatever it takes to kill a dude for his shit. Addie and Becky will help Mama, but Becky is a serious tease who is constantly getting pawed at because she likes to show herself off in bikinis. Addie has NO problem murdering the wife of her sheriff boyfriend. The sheriff boyfriend is willing to go along with trying to arrest Paul.
Alright, so we’re into our climax. Paul and Cindy have discovered some of Harold’s previous wife’s jewels stashed away. This proves he killed his wife because he stashed them after he killed her. They were originally meant to be donated to the church. Anyway, Becky and Addie plan to distract their boy toys. Mama is going to have Cindy reveal she found the jewels so Harold goes nuts and tries to hurt her. That way, Mama, in an act of protecting her daughter will need to kill him.
The plan hits a massive snag when Becky teases Willy too far and the oaf rage kills her by accident. Shit just got super real super fast!
Cindy reveals to Harold that she found the jewels. When he tries to wrestle them from Cindy, Mama comes in with his gun. He is able to use Cindy as a bit of a human shield with a knife to her throat to get away from Mama. Mama chases after Harold and Paul calls Roy to get Harold. Addie tries to convince Roy to kill Paul instead of Harold so there would be no alibis to be had and they can live happily ever after.
Roy’s like, “Yeah, cool. I should probably go kill Paul.”
When Harold gets stuck on the side of the dirt road, Cindy is able to beat a hasty escape from the car. Harold eventually gets back on the road. Roy pulls Paul over and tells him to make a run for it so he can kill him for taking off. Paul seemingly talks sense into Roy. Mama has Harold dead to rights and they kill each other by her shooting him through the window of the car and him hitting her with the very same car.
So, damn… Mama and Becky are dead. Addie is probably going to the pokey for killing Roy’s wife. Well… At least Cindy has Paul still.
This movie is super brisk. It’s only 80 minutes, but there are no less than eight central characters in the movie with stuff going on for them to do. However, you have a con that Mama’s playing that seems to take some time from when they first meet Harold to when he dies horribly in his flaming car. It’s even seen when the girls kill George. Quick transitions go from them driving to the funeral, then home from the reading of the will. when they get to Harold’s motel, clearly time passes. It’s almost like they show up toward the end of summer. When Addie and Roy have their meet cute by the pool, there are leaves on the ground. So it’s like it took time for the girls to worm their way into these people’s lives. Clearly there are at least multiple weeks between when they arrive and when Harold and Mama marry.
What I’m saying is that for a movie that has little plot, lots of characters, and about these women scheming their way into these lives, it’s brisk but not so terribly thin that you literally don’t care what happened because it lacked any kind of complexity. I guess what I’m saying is it’s worth 80 minutes of your time.
Well, I guess this is the real end of this week’s article. Join me next week for a sleazy little mid-80s horror flick, Nightmare Weekend!