Here’s a recipe for a B-Movie Enema feature:  One part The Most Dangerous Game, two parts 80s, a couple bimbos, one whole Charles Band, and a whole heapin’ helpin’ of silly sci-fi.  This is what Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity are made of.

And I’m gonna tell you all about it this week!

First off, I want to admit that the title definitely caught my eye, though I’m sure I’ve heard of this before.  Full Moon Direct often has lots of sales on their website.  It’s why you’ve seen me cover more from Band’s company over the past couple months.  What’s great is that I have more to come too!  But another thing I definitely appreciate about this movie is that it isn’t horsin’ around.  It’s 74 minutes, wham, bam, thank  you, ma’am.

These types of shorties make things real easy for me to plow through which is much appreciated.  I can always count on Full Moon videos to never overstay their welcome.  For this, even the plot is simple…  These babes are serving a life sentence at some penal colony place and they decide to escape.  They figure anywhere is better than their current predicament.  They land on a planet with a cool dude named Zed who turns out to be the greatest hunter in all of space.  So he hunts the babes, along with a third babe who is also there.

Well, goddamn…  Let’s get into it, shall we?

This movie begins exactly as it should with a jungle set that is obviously a set.  This blonde babe is running through it and stops right in front of the camera and puts her arms under her own set and looks around while we get a good chance to examine those boobies.  I feel 100% certain that this is exactly what this movie will look like for the entire runtime of this flick.  Anyway, she’s being chased by this mutant creature that looks pretty cool, but as the mutant creature thing closes in to kill her, a mysterious man in a robe kills it and approaches instead.

In the vastness of wondrous space, we meet another pair of boob… er… pair of babes… er… Babes.  They are chained to the floor, but one, Daria, somehow (and I mean it, this is completely not at all explained even one bit) breaks the chains holding them captive by just pulling reeeeeal hard.  She then helps her friend, Tisa, do the same.  Daria says something about reversing the polarity on the cuffs to short out the lock on their cell and then they’ll just find a starship and they’re free!

Just as easy as that, guys!

And…  Well, it is.  They get out, and knock a couple guards out and hop in a shuttle and take off.  However, there is a bit of a problem…  They jumped ship in the middle of Bum-Fucked Space and they are only in a lifeboat and not a full-sized starship.  They do pick up a beacon from a nearby planetoid that they decide to check out.  After setting course for the little moon, the signal begins overriding their systems and they crash on Planet California Beach where their arrival is picked up by some sort of sentry guard robot or monster thing.

What’s kind of funny about this movie is the fast-paced dialog spoken by Elizabeth Cayton (Daria) and Cindy Beal (Tisa).  It’s all sci-fi in nature about how to control the ship, what they are seeing on sensors, what’s going on with the signal, how they are crashing and such.  I don’t want to suppose these babes are just a couple bimbos who are making movies in between spreads in Penthouse, but when you hear stuff that maybe Brent Spiner would say on Star Trek: The Next Generation coming from a couple 80s blondes in a sci-fi movie released through Full Moon with “Slave Girls” in the title, well…  It makes you giggle.

Anyway, Daria is found by a scary robot guy, right?  And when she’s trying to explain what’s happened, she realizes this imposing figure does not speak.  She then meets Zed who owns the lavish home she is in.  Zed explains that the robot guy doesn’t speak unless he orders it, and he reveals that Tisa was found as well, leading to a joyful reunion.  Tisa and Daria are a bit taken by the fact that Zed 1) has clothing already waiting for them to wear after they clean up that fits them perfectly and 2) that there are others on the planet that also crashed here.

I, on the other hand, am a bit taken aback by how much this reminds me of another movie.  Here’s a guy, Zed, who lives alone.  He has a scary robot mute that does only what Zed instructs him.  He seems charming but a bit mysterious in a “I don’t have great feelings about this dude’s motivations” sort of way.  He’s got everything he needs, even mutant monster people.

This is 100% The Black Hole.

Yeah, Zed, played by Don Scribner, is totally Reinhardt from Disney’s The Black Hole.  Yes, yes…  The Most Dangerous Game and shit.  But this is definitely playing out in a way that the sci-fi element is totally taking its inspiration from The Black Hole!  Somebody get writer/director Ken Dixon on the phone and ask him if my suspicions are true.

What?  You did?  I’m right?  Oh…  Very little is known about him because this was the last movie he directed after doing a porno and a set of documentaries about genre films?  Hmm.  I see.  Well, let’s just say I’m totally right and I cracked the code on this movie.

Glad we got that settled.  Anyway, back on the Planet of the 1980s Babes, Zed gives Daria a sexy dress and asks her to join him for dinner with Tisa and a couple others that she might find to be interesting company.  She meets Shala (played by 80s scream queen Brinke Stevens) and her brother Rik who is stir-crazy and wanting to get the hell off the planet.

Rik explains that Zed spends all day sleeping and all night hunting the creatures in the planet’s jungle.  Shala argues that it’s a bit contradictory that people find it sporting to kill while we also consider animals killing one another for survival savage.  Zed makes an impassioned debate point about the sport of hunting and how he should not be held to a standard of being a less than civilized.

Rik takes Daria to the side “for air” and explains that Zed is not to be trusted.  There were four people on the ship he and his sister arrived on and two have disappeared.  He’s pretending to be drunk because he thinks Zed is hunting people and he doesn’t want to be his next target.  Rik also explains that he lies about the wrecked ships being repaired.  They are not and there is no excuse either because he receives regular supply runs from off planet.  After Zed sends everyone to their rooms for the night, Rik sneaks out and finds Daria and tells her he’s scared for his sister as she’s not in her room.  Rik and Daria investigate and are soon joined by Tisa.

Now, despite Rik (played by an FX guy named Carl Horner) and Zed acting their collective balls off in this movie, let’s not confuse that with this trying for a modicum of class or style.  Tisa and Daria are investigating in nighties and lingerie.

They do realize that they are definitely going to be used for Zed’s happy funtime hunting excursions.  Right after the characters discover this fact, we see that Zed and his robot dudes have returned with a bag of person that he collects a severed head from.  Rik and Daria go off into the jungle with the hopes of finding some weapons to use on Zed leaving Tisa behind to keep searching the place.  In Zed’s private dungeon room, he’s got Shala chained to the wall in her black, very Earthy lingerie.  Zed cuts off her bra, and then goes in for the booty.

Now here’s where I got a gigantic laugh…  Yeah, Zed is totally gonna rape Shala.  And, no, that is not what I found hilarious.  You see he likes to do things in a real kinky way by having her stripped nude, and her ankles held down by one of his robot goons while Brinke Stevens is writhing around on top of this altar like structure all naked and stuff (that I do find very enticing).  When Tisa finds that room and looks in, she sees naked Shala asleep, Zed smoking a space cigarette, and the robot goon massaging his shoulders.

The next morning, Zed sends one robot guy to check the rooms, Tisa, in her infinite wisdom, grabs a towel and runs downstairs to intercept the robot.  She says she wants to go for a swim and with Zed saying that the jungle is dangerous, she’d feel safer with a big strong robot man guarding her.  She says she doesn’t have a suit so she’d basically have to go nude.  The robot initially is all like, “I have a job to do to check the rooms” but when she walks away, he reconsiders her enticing offer and follows her to watch her go swimming.

This leads to, no shit, the two robot goons having an argument over how the one is behaving which allow for Daria and Rik to sneak back into Zed’s castle.

This leads to sexy time for Daria and Rik.  Here’s something I actually kind of get a legitimate kick out of when it comes to these Full Moon movies.  They are typically R-rated, but in a movie like this, or like the Beach Babes from Beyond movie, the sole reason why they are R is for nudity.  While, yes, this movie is entirely set up for girls in practically no clothes to run through a jungle and fight robots and a crazy guy, it’s actually charming.  No, I’m not saying this due to incredible head trauma.  I actually mean it.  This movie knows exactly what it is – a sexy romp.  It does not need foul language or gore or anything like that to be exactly what it wants to be.

Not to go off onto a tangent in this review about a movie where space babes are running away from a madman who wants to hunt them for sport, but I saw that latest Hellboy movie back in the spring, right?  There’s a movie that wanted to be R-rated.  It didn’t want that for nudity because there’s no need for that (kudos, Hellboy movie, for not needlessly adding boobs to a movie that doesn’t need it).  It just wanted it for the ability to have gore that can be equal to some pretty wild and out there monsters.  Yet, it goes WAY overboard with profanity (negative kudos, Hellboy movie).  The number of fucks uttered in that movie made you think you were watching Quentin Tarantino’s Hellboy.  In fact, it’s almost impossible to actually tell it apart from something Tarantino made based on dialog.  The only way I was able to is the fact that there were no n-words dropped.  But my point is, Hellboy went whole hog with its R-rating and dropped f-bombs like they were going out of style.

Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity, on the other hand, knows exactly what it is – sexy cable TV fare.  It doesn’t need more than that to be charming and fun.  Also, I think Zed is turning into Christian Bale.

Back to the movie…  Rik gets captured and Zed gives him a ten minute head start in the jungle.  The deal – evade him until dawn or kill him to earn his freedom.  Rik finds himself in the dark jungle running from Zed and his robot dudes, but he does have a blaster.  Oh, and he also set those traps with Daria, so…  There’s that.  Unfortunately, Rik gets himself stuck in a spider web and Zed kills him.  I mean…  Bummer, but at least he got to fuck Daria before going out like an idiot.

Inside the castle, all three of our babes are chained up in Zed’s man cave – much to my appreciation.  He shows them Rik’s head on his trophy wall.  He tells them the female of any species is the greatest challenge he’s faced.  He gives them a map to a temple and weapons and sends them on their way.  Tisa loses the map because she has small boobs and when Daria stuck the map into her bikini top, it slipped out.

She goes back to find the map while Daria and Shala continue on.  Tisa sees Zed following the same path they went, but, unfortunately, he finds the trap Daria and Rik originally set and is able to get past it easily – making that earlier scene of the couple setting that trap utterly pointless.  Also pointless is the fact that at one point, Shala and Daria realize that Tisa is very nearly going to be spotted by Zed, so Shala grabs his attention by running out only to be shot unceremoniously in the back by Zed’s crossbow.

Daria decides she’s gonna fuck Zed up for killing Rik and Shala.  She tells Tisa they have nothing to lose by searching for the temple.  They come across what looks like a fucking temple to me, but it’s something called the Phantazoid.  Apparently this place has wonky space and time elements and the girls are instantly A) separated and B) attacked by zombie creatures.  But they C) were able to dispatch them quickly.

Tisa finds the cool mutant monster thing that was seen at the beginning trying to take that one babe before being attacked by Zed.  And damn, look at the guy.  He’s got a monster sideways mouth with scary teeth, spikes coming out of his shoulder, a laser cannon (or possibly just a cyborg) arm, a hunchback, and the hots for blondes.  If I remember what I read in the credits at the start, this creature was designed by John Carl Beuchler who recently passed away and was THE B-movie creature effects guy of the 80s and 90s.

Sadly for the monster dude, he just can’t catch a break because he didn’t get that one babe at the beginning of the movie, and he’s not gonna get Tisa either because…

Daria found the BFG on the Temple Level of the video game.  So what makes this movie that has two hot blonde babes in loin cloths even better?  Two hot blonde babes in loin cloths with a bunch of guns!  Fuck yeah, my pants just got tighter.

Daria and Tisa exit the temple, but so does the mutant monster thing.  Meanwhile, Zed is nearby, but hobbled by a spear trap that Daria left for him when she and Tisa were escaping from him earlier.  That got stuck in his leg, but he doesn’t seem all that bummed out about that.  He does eventually capture Tisa, but Daria, who appeared to fall off a chasm, follows them back to Zed’s castle where they… sword fight.

But what happened to the guns?  The whole point of finding that temple was for them to find those guns to stand a better chance against Zed.  So they just sword fight instead?  Fine, whatever.  Anyway, Daria eventually fucks up Zed enough for the monster mutant dude to come in and shoot Zed.  Tisa got rid of the robot guys and eventually Daria blows up the monster mutant guy.  Elsewhere, Zed apparently uses the last of his energy and will to get to his skeleton throne and sets his castle to self-destruct.  Tisa asks what they will do now and Daria is like, “Universe is big, sister…  Let’s go check it out!”

Smash cut to credits at exactly the 70-minute mark.

I quite enjoyed this movie.  It’s everything I want for a B-Movie Enema movie.  It’s got babes.  It has monsters.  It’s got bad acting.  It has dicey effects.  Robots and pew pew lasers.  Need I say more?  I bet this played endlessly on Cinemax back in the 90s.  It’s got a catchy title so people probably decided to go ahead and see if it lives up to it.  I can’t say for sure I agree that it does, but it is enjoyable as all get out.

Next week, everybody is kung fu fighting as I get back into some Bruceploitation with a special request from a friend of mine to watch and review The Clones of Bruce Lee!