Welcome back to B-Movie Enema, my lovely Enemaniacs!
This week’s movie, Zorrita: Passion’s Avenger, continues the march to the inevitable conclusion of Full Moon Fever: Torchlight Diaries! This entry comes from director Madison Monroe. Now, I will assume that Madison is a lady. I mean I suppose it could be a dude, but I prefer the idea of it being a lady. I assume that with a name like Madison Monroe, she probably looks like that one cheerleader for the football team that EVERY guy wanted to catch a glimpse of in the locker room if you catch my drift.
I do quite appreciate a typical cheerleader stereotype collecting towels and putting them in that big wheeled hamper thing that gets collected by equipment managers and then taken to the laundry room? I mean, she’s in the locker room because she works on the equipment side of the thing. She’s not a cheerleader at all. Also, she’s probably fully clothed in baggy sweatpants and a big ol’ sweatshirt or hoodie? By no means is she naked or in any way exposed. She’s just, mmmm, doing the thing with the laundry… Oh yeah. That’s it. Put it into the big wheeled hamper thingy, Madison. Do it slower next time. Oh yeah, Maddy baby…
Look, people, I have a VERY specific fetish.
Anyway, Monroe has done mostly erotic/soft core type stuff. She’s got titles like Diary of Lust, Phantom Love, Love Games, Love Exchange, Carnal Sins, Erotic Obsessions, Castle Eros, Sinful Deeds 2, and Dungeons of Ecstasy. You get the point. They all sound like fake romance novel titles seen in the background of a movie scene or euphemisms.
Now, for Zorrita: Passion’s Avenger, we have leading lady Shauna O’Brien. O’Brien started off in 1990 with a trio of notable uncredited roles in the films Another 48 Hrs. and Flatliners and an appearance on Star Trek: The Next Generation in the episode “Unification II”. She then transitioned into some Penthouse videos before making a whooooooole bunch of soft core flicks. She played the character Maggie in several Emmanuelle 2000 and Emmanuelle 2001 videos. She also was Lady Chatterley in the 2000-2001 series Lady Chatterley’s Stories. She was also in a couple of Jim Wynorski’s The Bare Wench Project parodies of The Blair Witch Project.
Most notably thought, all this stuff between Emmanuelle, Lady Chatterley, Bare Wench, well, that was good, steady work because all those credits came between 2000-2003. That’s also when she was in Zorrita too. I’m guessing she was a legitimate draw for that movie as she was in a whole buncha movies.
In Zorrita, O’Brien plays sweet Bella. Bella gets a job working for a guy name Joffrey who is some jerkass upper class dork. He and another maid treat Bella badly – like a real Cinderella story. Then, after this Joffrey nerd gets sideways, she puts on a mask and avenges the local peoples – like a real Zorro story. Pretty straight forward, I guess. Let’s dig right in!
Now, before we actually get right into this movie, I wanted to talk about this screen that I’ve seen in a couple of this month’s movies. Unlike some of the more, erm, “reputable” Full Moon movies that have a whole preamble for their online store and maybe some trailers for movies or lines that they have and such, they go straight to the menu. Then, from there, if I click to view “Trailers” I see the below screen with a list of the other Torchlight/Surrender titles Full Moon has. Now, I’ve pointed out one in particular that I talked about back in the Femalien article…
They misspelled one of their own movies. Now, far be it from me, a guy who writes, and sometimes even pours over articles after the fact to make sure I’m not making egregious mistakes, to pick on someone for misspellings, but whoa… This is a professional movie company and they fucked up one of their own titles in the Trailers menu. In a way, I guess it is what’s to be expected from Full Moon. They cranked out a shit ton of movies in the 90s and 2000s. Some good. Some… Well, some were made for McDonald’s cheeseburgers instead of dollars. That’s about the same mix you see here in the above picture. Femalien? Fine and kinda fun. Lolita 2000? Too bad, you don’t get your title written out properly, friendo.
So our movie opens with titular Zorrita gearing up. Then it tells the story about this mysterious and beautiful woman while it intercuts with sepia-toned sex. I also see that old California had plastic surgeons with silicon boobies. Basically, this original Zorrita was a Robin Hood like figure who stole from evil wrongdoers and gave to the poor people of Spanish California. She had a true love who she would visit from time to time, rock his world, and then leave. She never exposed her secret identity to this man.
There are so many boobs at the beginning of this movie. It’s bonkers. Dare I say it is Toobular Boobular? Anyway, I will say this opening scene really brings back that Playboy video feel of the Beach Babes 2 movie. I kinda missed that over these last two, much more artfully(?) crafted movies. Long story short, Zorrita boned her boyfriend, said she’s come back, the narrator said she’d come back when she was needed most, and that time was now. But… I guess she didn’t come back.
That’s because we now see innocent Bella arriving for her new maid’s gig at Sir Joffrey’s place.
She arrives to work at this house with another new girl, Teresa. Teresa is played by Playboy model Nancy O’Brien. Starring with Shauna O’Brien. Coincidence? I really hope so because Teresa finds out that Bella is a virgin and suggests she take a lover and I’ve seen enough of these movies to know what that means.
While doing her chores around the house, Bella finds a journal/book containing The Legend of Zorrita. Sir Joffrey catches her reading from it when she should be working and scolds her after belittling the “peasant” stories for simple minds. She pockets that book and takes her to her room and reads some of it to Teresa. When she was reading about Zorrita screwing an enemy general, the mean old bitch boss of the servants, Mrs. DelMarco, scolds them for not being asleep.
The next day, Bella goes to see her hunky boyfriend, Paulo, who I think was the guy Zorrita was banging at the beginning. Anyway, she sees a rapier that Paulo has been polishing (I’m sure there’s a joke here about polishing his swords, but I just can’t find it… Like he probably had to rub that shaft… eh I can’t find the the joke in the idea of a man shining his erect weapon). Turns out, Bella has sword skills. She says something about how her mother instilled the sense of self-defense so she can protect herself.
They mess around a little bit, and she worries that he won’t be happy with a woman like her who is not very worldly, and by worldly, she means “knows how to fuuuuuuuuck”. Paulo seems cool though and looks forward to marrying her and they learn the ways of the world together. Local dickwad, Ricardo, comes to collect taxes and threatens shit. It’s actually Joffrey who demands the taxes and will not provide an advance on Bella’s pay to help pay Paulo’s tax. You see, Joffrey has to “pay the crown” and he has to do it by collecting taxes from the village.
Bella decides to play dress up based on her brand new hero, Zorrita. She visits Ricardo and takes money from him and demands he leaves the villagers alone. She doesn’t get a satisfying payment from the tax collector, so she decides to take it out of dat ass. And screws him.
Now, I do have some questions… First, I guess she’s doing this for her research to be a more worldly woman for Paulo? Is she aware that she is cucking Paulo something terrible? Does she care? Do the ends justify the means? Is there a curse around the costume of Zorrita? Where DID she get the costume of Zorrita? She bring all those black things and that mask with her just in case things got kinky at Casa de Joffrey? Did she make the costume? How? With what materials?
Where did Ricardo get that sweet tat?
“Oh, but Geoff, you are being way too picky. You’re seeing a lady Zorro getting that all important sexual experience as she goes around and bosses bad guys around and forces them to giver her some of da sex. What the hell are you doing asking questions?”
After she gets those coomies from Ricardo, She leaves the mark of Zorrita on his chest and takes off with the villagers’ tax money and delivers it back to them. The next day, Teresa is, like everyone else in town, enraptured by the stories of the return of Zorrita. We then finally see Joffrey’s wife, Emma, a pretty redhead. Emma is not a happily married woman. Emma doesn’t seem to like Joffrey. Joffrey is a cheat and a jerkass. But we know that already.
Emma talks about how she grew up wild, but also in the same circles as Joffrey. They did have a passionate relationship early on, but as he grew richer, he seemed to love the acquisition of money more than her. She then tries to kiss Bella, but she rebuffs her. Later, that night, Emma has a fight with Joffrey about his womanizing.
Why is this redhead, Emma, suddenly a huge part of this movie? She was the original Zorrita. Spoiler alert. Anyway, after thinking about it a little bit, Bella goes to Emma dressed as Zorrita to comfort the upset woman.
After all, what’s a little lesbian romance between Zorritas?
This movie has an interesting conundrum around it. First, kind of like Femalien, this movie has the bare minimum plot by having it go from scene to scene with O’Brien’s Bella being confronted with an issue, then doing something about it, and then doing it over again. So kind of like Femalien, we’re totally following Bella through the film. We’re getting those experiences in cycles. The sex scenes do invoke those Playboy video style of hyper-fantasy situations. That sets up something of a role play scenario. The bad man tied up and having a dominant woman take control of him. The lesbian scene. Seriously, that is all you need to call it. It’s the lesbian scene with cosplay. Those scenes are scored and filmed in ways that are vaguely erotic, but most definitely pump up the ideal sensual situations.
All of that is fine, but the movie has a problem. It’s kind of boring. The sex scenes are okay, the plot is fine, and the scenes in between the sex scenes are actually putting in effort. The problem is that all that stuff is just okay. It’s not anywhere near as good as Huntress: Spirit of the Night. It’s not as bad and, therefore, fun, as Beach Babes 2. It’s just there. That’s disappointing because this movie is putting in the effort to not be bad. It just can’t get over the hump (heh) to be more interesting.
Anyway, back to the story. While Emma decides to leave the eeeeevil landlord, Joffrey has figured out that if there is a mystery woman running about and stealing from him, then the woman must be a local. He hands down the edict to Ricardo to arrest all the women in the village because one of them will be Zorrita. This plan was seemingly to capture Zorrita, but Joffrey really wants to use the women as bait to lure out the vigilante.
The plan works.
Zorrita confronts Joffrey. He shows off the key to the prison, but also that he has a gun. He disarms Zorrita and then has her disrobe. You see, he likes women and he has heard that she’s got a rockin’ bod. They fuck. Because of course they do.
What is it with the guys in old timey Spanish California getting tats on their left arms?
For some reason, I expect the tattoo artist of this time in that era to look like this:
His name is probably like Ricky or Rodrigo. Maybe Chip. Anyway, he’s got an eyepatch which makes his tattoos a crap shoot on whether or not they will turn out correctly. Of course, he’d have long hair and a goofy smile. He also has ZERO sterilization of his tools and is constantly smelling of rum. He’s handing out Native American style tattoos, something that looks like a minority version of Big Bird, he’s doing alright for himself. Good job, Chip.
Okay, so while Bella was dealing with Joffrey to get the women of the village freed (which I expect them to IMMEDIATELY be recaptured and round up again), there was this plan that she was supposed to meet Paulo at midnight to run away and start a new life together. She forgot about that probably in between the girlish grunts of Joffrey’s thrusts and trying to figure out if Chip can maybe do a dolphin on her ankle or something tomorrow. She has a note left for her that, yeah, she should feel bad about. It says that she clearly didn’t want to start that new life with her beau and it’s a pretty decent guilt trip that Bella, well, she kinda deserves, ya know? She was screwing the evil landlord dude while she was supposed to be leaving with her lover. Bad form, Zorrita.
The next morning, Joffrey sends Ricardo out to find and arrest Zorrita. He then smells a familiar scent – jasmine perfume. That’s what Zorrita was wearing the night before and that’s what he catches a scent of around Bella. She sorta convinces him that she doesn’t have the money for perfume and I guess that’s good enough for now. Later that evening, Joffrey decides to bed Teresa. She was unwilling at first because she heard from Bella who heard from Emma that any servant Joffrey had sex with lost their job the next day, but, whatevs…
I’m gonna go ahead and say, that I quite liked this scene compared to the past sex scenes in the movie. Nancy O’Brien is a very sexy lady and she wears that little getup there well. The guy playing Joffrey, Sam Williamson, I could do without because he’s been a turd in this movie, but I gotta say, his IMDb headshot is awesome.
So after that scene, some drama is interjected into the movie. Paulo returns to town to get Bella. When he gets to his blacksmith shop, Ricardo’s dead body is found with a bloody Viking helmet horn? I know that sounds dumb or out of place and that’s because it is. I shit you not, Enemaniacs. It was a Viking horn. Anyway, Paulo is arrested, and Zorrita has to save him.
Oh yeah, and Teresa gets boned twice by getting fired after getting that D.
Apparently, the budget started to run a bit thin because Zorrita busting Paulo out of prison is done in jump cuts and fade in and fade out. One moment, she knocks out a guard. The next, she finds his cell. The next, they are walking away and he gets shot in the arm by a guard. Then, they are in some hideout where she is caring for his wound. Then it fades to black and comes back the next day. Then they finally have their big sex scene together.
You know what? He also forgives her for the unspoken shit she did with those other dudes. So, I guess she’s all good there. The next morning, Bella plans to get her shit and her mother, and then they will come back so they can slip away. Unfortunately, Joffrey is there to capture Bella and get Paulo to the gallows for a good old fashioned hanging at sundown.
Original Zorrita, Emma, returns to save Bella and confront Joffrey. She also wants him to sign over the land to the villagers and for him to get fucked. Emma wrote to whoever Joffrey answered to and he gets arrested. Later, Teresa comes running to Bella and Paulo saying that in her town across the lake, the magistrate has seized the farmland. She asks Bella to “reason with him” and she and Paulo take off as Zorrita and Zorro to fuck ’em up.
I guess. I have no evidence of any fucking up of magistrates, but I’m going off of empirical evidence of that being the thing that happens.
Eh… This movie is not so great. Is it a bad movie? Oh yeah, yeah it is. Is it a terrible movie? No. There’s effort here and I appreciate that. It misses some of the “legitimacy” of Huntress. It doesn’t have the charm of Femalien. It doesn’t have the “so bad it’s fun to watch” quality of Beach Babes 2. It’s maybe a little better than those last two I mentioned, but only in effort. So that makes this a bit of a bummer and that’s more unfortunate than anything.
Next week, we have one final round of Full Moon Fever II: Torchlight Diaries and it may just… I don’t know what to expect. It’s a sequel 22 years in the making and that usually doesn’t bode well for many movies in this line of quality and it comes in a time that is really rocky for Full Moon. I’m going to be looking at Virgin Hunters 2. Maybe it’s an ill-advised sequel. Maybe it surprises a bit like the first one did. We’ll have to wait and see in seven days.
Before then, come over to the site tomorrow and check out episode #4 of B-Movie Enema: The Series as we watch Werewolves on Wheels from 1971! Should be a good time for all and I hope to see you at both the new episode and next week’s conclusion to Full Moon Fever II!