Loose Screws: Screwballs II (1985)

A few years back, I covered the very funny boner comedy Screwballs. It’s obvious that the type of movie that was is not something that will play well at all today, but it doesn’t excuse the early 80s sex type jokes from being funny. It’s juvenile. It’s kind of gross. It’s funny.

I’m sure, as we take a look at this week’s movie, the sequel Screwballs II (also known as both Loose Screws and Loose Screws: Screwballs II), the two years between the movies will give the series a chance to mature, right? Uh… Right?

Original Screwballs director, Rafal Zielinski, is back for this second film. However, the film is written by someone new – Michael Cory. This is Cory’s only credit, so I wouldn’t be surprised to learn it was someone’s pen name and wanted to not use their usual name for Screwballs II. Anyway, this worries me just a bit because Jim Wynorski has a specific style that gives you a little more well-rounded experience while still looking at two giant orbular titties flopping around in front of your eyeballs. Also, Linda Shayne, who not only wrote the first film but also appeared in it, is not present. I have concerns over this.

But, to be quite frank, there’s a very special purpose this movie is to achieve. I had a good run of movies recently. For the most part, last summer featured all sorts of really solid B-Movie Enema entries. Hell, even though Blood Sisters wasn’t super great, it was pretty decent for what it was. However, Moonshine County Express and Carny were excellent movies with the latter basically being too good for this blog. So, it’s been a great run lately.

That’s all about to change starting next week.

Yeah, I decided to cover the rest of the Resident Evil series for my October 2021 theme. It’s going to be hell and I thought it might be best for me to take in some low brow comedy and tits to numb me a bit from the deep hurting I’m going to experience this whole next month. So I’m not really interesting in doing a bunch of deep dive stuff about Zielinski. I just want to get into it. That, and I don’t really recognize any of the other titles he directed outside this movie and the first film of the duology. Let’s just dive right in and see how this movie matured from the first!

Oh, I guess I should bring up, before we get too deep into this movie’s ass, there are two versions of this movie on my Severin release of this movie. I’m fairly torn between what I should watch – the 77-minute “Director’s Cut” (which woof, that’s a short DC) or the 88-minute International Version. Now… I like the idea of 11 more minutes of tits and ass. But I’m not feeling the “fullscreen” aspect on that version. I do not know the difference between them. I feel like I probably should do the International, but… I dunno.

Fuck it. Let’s go for the knackered, longer, fullscreen International Version BABYYYYY!

Well, right out of the gate, we see where class is being held today – Beaver High. Nice. We have kids in boring Lit class, we have a guy playing strip dice in the bathroom with a couple babes, a girl is getting up close and personal tennis lessons, a nerd has built a robot to look up a girl’s skirt in Chemistry class, and a big ol’ fat guy with “I EAT ANYTHING” on his shirt spying on cheerleader practice. This is just a normal day at Beaver High.

I identify with this guy.

The principal (Principal Hardbutt… heh… butt) makes his final announcement of the school year and telling all the kiddos to have a good time over the summer, except for our lead characters. Apparently, these guys have have been in the 12th grade for four years and they are still failing. I believe it’s at this point that you would call some of what these guys are doing predatory. They are like, what, in their 20s? Girls start their senior year at the age of 17. You see what I’m getting at. Whatever. Gimme them Ts and As!

So our leads are given another chance to graduate, by going to a special course at Cockswell Academy.

I bet Cockswell will be a place these guys will get to pull lots of boners!

Hopefully this will help the guys get over the bulge.

I sure hope they don’t get the shaft and end up getting screwed by this deal.

I hope they don’t ignore the balls… in gym class.

Dick joke.

Chode and balls.

Okay, I got that out of my system. It should be stated that Cockswell Academy is in the town of Wadsworth. That’s the best joke of the movie. I’m sure other things will be funny, but Wadsworth is fantastic. I vaguely remember the first movie having characters that were endearing before they were proved to be total asshats. I’ve got a real bad feeling about Screwballs II. The problem is these guys are total losers. They probably should be in jail, and yet they are our protagonists.

But enough of that, the four dopes (whose names have been mentioned only once, but I have no idea who these guys are, so I will call them Chachi, Warren Wordsworth III, Nerd, and Fatso), arrive at Cockswell and they see a bus pull up with their eventual classmates. Chachi gives the troops their mission – smash as much pussy from that bus as possible while enrolled at Cockswell. I would not be terribly surprised if Fatso tries to fuck the bus itself because I’m gonna guess he’s an idiot.

Chachi tells the girls they all have to get medical exams. He sends the guys off to another entrance, and the girls follow him to the nurse’s office where Warren Wordsworth III and Nerd have the girls strip to their bras and panties. Why not just have the girls go all the way naked? If you are going to commit to this, uh, criminal act, why not just have them go full tits out? Why stop with the bras and panties? It’s so juvenile to think that bras and panties are the ultimate thing to get out of these girls who are believing the false premise of these douchebags are doctors. This is not great. This is not great at all, Enemaniacs.

Like, do you want to see tits or not, you losers? C’mon now!

Okay, goddammit, I’m literally 10 minutes into this movie and I’m getting mad. I’m getting real mad. So a sort of dorky girl with glasses came to the school and had to tell Warren Wordsworth III that she’s nervous about the stripping down to her underwear because she doesn’t wear a bra. He asks if she has tits. She says she has small tits. So he told her to go ahead and strip down to just her panties. Now, this is a family blog (if your family is from a Rob Zombie movie). I don’t show tits. So you aren’t going to see this, but this girl does not have “little ones”…

I used some melons to exemplify the boobies we get in this scene. So, nerd girl, I like. Nerd, though, fuck him and his camera. No, don’t fuck him AND his camera. Fuck him WITH his camera.

Anyway, Fatso fucks up and gets spooked by a skeleton in the closet he’s hiding in and runs out, which gives the girls the idea that these guys are not really doctors. Sigh. They get caught by the principal of Cockswell, Principal Arsenault (heh… arse). The hot teacher, Mona Lott, comes in and Principal Arsefuck starts talking to Ms. Lott and comedy ensues…

So Mona leaves and Arsenicknolte says that he’s onto them and if they pull any more shit, they will be in so much trouble! I wish he was shaking his fist at them when he said that. Alright, so everyone is getting settled into their dorm. Apparently everyone here are losers. The guys are bummed out because they think this place is a prison camp they have been thrust into and the girls are apparently all delinquents too. They are ready to light up, gasp, devil’s lettuce in their room!

Naturally, the girls are caught by their handler, warden, or whatever she is. I don’t know what these people are called. She’s naturally dressed and styled as a ball-bustin’ German lady.

Now, to illustrate exactly how confusing and dumb this movie is, allow me to explain my issue with this scene. The girls make it seem like they are going to “spark it up” with a joint. But when this ball buster comes in to lay down the law, she takes a puff and comments about how this is a Turkish Blend which is a cigarette blend. Unless I’m mistaken, Turkish Blend is not a pot thing. She then goes on about how smoking is for adults and there will be NO SMOKING, NO SWEARING, and NO SCREWING AROUND at the school.

By the way, this movie is a Turdish Blend.

So this lady is Miss Von Blow. Because of course she is. And yeah, this cigarette is indeed the dank weed. It makes Miss Von Blow talk like a drunk person. That’s what pot does. We go into a montage of classes, lunch, whatever. We then see some of the after class shenanigans at the boardwalk by the beach. At this point, Warren Wordsworth III says, “This sucks.”

I couldn’t agree more.

I should change Chachi’s name to Matt Gaetz because he designs a point system of this crew of douchebags to see who can score the most amount of snatch. Super mega bonus points if you bag Miss Lott. By the way… Everyone bitches Chachi out for the lack of women. “Where’s the babes we’re supposed to meet and raw dog, bro?” they ask. But during the preceding montage AND the following scene in Miss Lott’s French class, they are IN CLASS WITH GIRLS. I’m really beginning to think this movie was not well thought out, guys.

Warren Wordsworth III approaches Miss Lott to request some tutoring. He tells her he needs some French. He also says he’s going to France in the fall and really wants some French under his belt. She invites him over to her house for tutoring at 69 Crevasse. This movie is gross. It’s very sloppy with its puns and one liners.

It’s like when you are stuck in a room with that one friend of the family that either never grew up, or never left high school, or is just a real jerk. All he can do is talk in sloppy double entendres and thinks they are just the best jokes ever. It’s not “Hey, that girl is hot” or “What a pretty face.” It’s always “Whoa… What a set of bazoombas on that twat on legs!” It’s never normal speak that comes out of this animal’s mouth. It’s always something worse than even you could predict.

That’s this movie. That’s what we have to deal with. It’s sloppy and it’s so forced.

So anyway, Chachi dresses up like a girl to infiltrate the girl’s dorm. Apparently, he succeeds to be able to stay in the girls’ room because one of the girls offered to share her bed. Now, either she sees through this disguised, or she’s into girls. Either way, I’ll allow it. Back at the guys’ room, Nerd stuffs his pants with tissue to either catch all the premature ejaculation or to give himself a bulge – I’m serious, I could go either way on what that’s about. Meanwhile, Fatso joins an aerobics class with all hot, fit babes and Jesus Christ, man, can you not control your appetite?

Well… That’s a dumb question. I did give him the name “Fatso”.

Fatso ends up picking a girl up and for a second, I thought he was going to run off with her like this was some sort of cartoon. This motherfucker is just coming into this all girls workout center and getting between their legs, putting their heads between his legs (oh god… imagine what that probably smells like), and then gets fucking handsy with them. Fuck this movie. This is goddamn nearly unwatchable.

Chachi, who maybe I should rename as Steven Crowder because he looks like that douchenozzle when he does his cross-dressing “jokes”, is watching the other girls get ready for bed. Miss Von Blow forces him to take a bath and get ready for bed too. Also, the girl that he really likes is basically blind without her contacts. So I’m sure this is going to be hilarious.

Chachi and this girl, we’ll call her Curly Sue, are in the bathroom and she, of course, has no contacts so she can’t see that this guy is clearly a guy. So she shares the tub with him and they have some playful chat. Curly Sue asks about if he knows any good looking dudes. He tells her about himself and says he’s a hunk. I’m sure this is going to be hilarious.

Chachi gets right into bed and starts kissing Curly Sue. That’s fucking insane. The jig is up when Miss Von Blow realizes there’s a man present in maybe the best true joke in the entire movie. She goes to the bathroom and discovers the toilet seat is up, therefore, there’s a man in the dorm. She chases Chachi out and he reveals to Curly Sue that she just met the guy who he thinks is a hunk.

Warren Wordsworth III goes to Miss Lott’s house. She’s taking a shower because, sigh, sure. She tells him, in French, the very thing he is there in need to learn more of, that she’s in the shower and will be out in a minute. He thinks she said that she’s in the shower and wants him to join her. As he’s getting in, Mr. Arsenbutts is on his way over to discuss the “position” he wants her to get into. As Warren Wordsworth III gets into the shower, this is clearly NOT what Miss Lott wants. She screams, calls him all sorts of things, and runs him out, where he runs into Mr. Arsenarse.

Which only lands him in the principal’s office for punishment.

I’m not even halfway through this fucking shit, guys. Remember last week? I said I wanted to do Screwballs II as my last possible chance at sanity because October was going to be all five Resident Evil sequels. It’s too late. I’m beyond the pale. This is bad. Very very bad. I said it previously, but this is nearly unwatchable.

This movie maybe has one more chance. Some of the girls come over to sit with the guys at lunch. Dorky Girl (that is her name now) kind of softens up to Nerd. Another girl, we’ll call her 80s Canvas because her clothing creates a canvas that the 80s were thrown onto by whomever the Jackson Pollack was of the 80s (probably Boy George or Cyndi Lauper) lets Warren Wordsworth III drape his arm all over him. Of course, Curly Sue is hanging out with Chachi. I don’t know if the fourth girl wants anything from Fatso or not because I think I’ll call her Queen Prep.

But it does the one thing that is always welcome in these batshit terrible 80s and 90s movies – synchronized beach dance party!

I hate this movie a tiny bit less right now, but I bet it doesn’t last.

So, yes, Queen Prep is indeed kind of sweet on Fatso. That’s another plus for this movie. But all the guys seemingly are being much nicer and much more, like, real people. Curly Sue and Chachi go off to fuck on the beach. 80s Canvas and Warren Wordsworth III decide to go skinny dipping. Nerd and Dorky Girl are sweetly flirting with each other. And I think Fatso is gonna get real lucky real soon.

You’d think things are going to start on an upswing, but Warren Wordsworth III immediately hits on a girl in a sexy tennis outfit. We’ll call her Sexy Tennis Girl. He fucks her in what appears to be a patch of poison ivy.

Where they actually are is in the rough on the golf course. An old man shanks a drive and the ball lands between Warren Wordsworth III’s legs and he gets nailed right in the nuts. Sexy Tennis Girl left long before old man got there.

Elsewhere, Nerd comes up with a formula that dissolves bathing suits. So he and Fatso go to the pool where the girls are splashing about, and dumps the chemical in. These girls don’t seem to realize their suits have dissolved because they keep splishing and splashing about like nothing’s wrong. Principal Arsenhorse comes in so he can do his normal thing and he has the girls get out of the pool while Nerd runs away.

So the movie built up some goodwill with that dance party. It’s about to lose it all and go into the negative. The way way way negative. Chachi learns how to give an erotic massage. So he is going to use this on Miss Lott because she joined the same club that Fatso went to earlier. She has a regular masseuse named “Hung Lo”. You know, cuz the dude is Asian? Anyway, Chachi pays off Hung Lo and does a god awful Chinese impersonation.

Because of course this movie is gonna do that.

Chachi is found out when he goes a little too far and hurts her from the massage after nearly giving her an orgasm. The next day, Nerd is given some shit because he’s scored no points, but he claims he has a plan. To my best accounting, though, no one’s actually scored any points except for Chachi during the beach party. So on my tally board, Chachi has 10 points and no one else has anything. I guess Nerd and Fatso are going to film Miss Lott in her underwear and dry her hair.

I will say I do like this.

Nerd, of course, gets in trouble because he’s discovered again. Warren Wordsworth III is going back for unfinished business with Sexy Tennis Girl. Sexy Tennis Girl happens to be Mrs. Arsentits. The principal comes home because he forgot his briefcase. After a close call, Warren Wordsworth III decides to beat cheeks because this is just too much work to get a frustrated cougar off. He runs away as soon as the coast is clear.

We’re basically in the Endgame now. Doctor Strange has given the time stone over to Rafal Zielinski and we just have to wait and see if there’s anyway Fatso goes for the head and gets Miss Lott into the sack.

So our Sexvengers are looking through their plans to gain access into the girls’ changing room. So Fatso, as if he’s their best chance at fucking anything, is sent into the ductwork to get him into a room I assume he could just walk right in through the doors, but whatever. I guess this is what we’re doing. The school girls go into the change room and start playing grab ass with each other while Fatso watches from the ceiling and probably poking through tiling with his boner. Miss Lott comes in and starts to change. He’s so excited to see her disrobe. What’s the plan again? Is it to get her in the sack or is it to just see her naked? If it was just to see her naked, Warren Wordsworth III has already done that.

Anyway, Fatso falls through the ceiling, as if there was no chance of that not happening.

The guys are being kept on a short leash and being watched over by the principal himself. Chachi says it’s time they just said the fuck with it all and they sneak out to go party. We hear the Loose Screws theme song, and that’s kind of awesome. See? I’ll give the movie credit where it is indeed due.

The boys go to a strip club for a wet t-shirt contest. When the ladies come up on stage, the emcee asks who wants to come up and titillate the beauties. Naturally, this is a job for Super Nerd!

You know what my big mistake was? Going for the International Version of the movie. I should have just taken the easy out with a 77-minute movie and gotten in and out a loonng time ago. Instead, I’m still trying to figure out where 17 more minutes is going to be devoted to. In a real movie, you can still have these precocious lads doing their shenanigans, but they would also realize they have girls who will probably give them more sex they can handle over in the other dorm.

But no. This isn’t what this movie wants to do. It wants to do… Well, nothing at all. I’m guessing this scene at the wet t-shirt contest was just to rehash the scene from the first movie at the strip club with Raven De La Croix. But that was a good movie and a good scene. This movie has no good scenes.

Alright… So for some reason out of the blue, Principal Arsenadultry is on a legit date with Miss Lott. It’s as if they have been in a relationship for a while because she’s resting her head on his shoulder as he drives, and so on. She also is eating petals from a flower. Is she a bimbo? I didn’t think she was, but I guess she’s an idiot. But then they go into the Pig Pen (the place that the boys are now spraying whipped cream onto the naked breasts of the girls). Apparently the principal says they have the best pork chops. Anyway, she says she doesn’t like this place. If she was an idiot or a bimbo or whatever, she wouldn’t care about this, but she hates this place. This movie is exhausting.

And then there’s Arsenal’s face when he sees the boys there.

What is it with this guy and his face acting?

The boys are expelled and they are seen off by their girls they were partying with earlier. The very people I said they should be making a whole thing with and what the movie should be building toward. The boys commiserate at the burger joint on the boardwalk. Warren Wordsworth III says he’s bummed about there being no college because there will be no collage babes. Motherfucker you are already too old for college because you went through 12th grade 4 times!

Nerd says they are all tide in their sex contest, because no shit they are. I suspect none did anything with anyone. There’s a way to get back at Arsentits. They sneak into the unveiling of the new Cockswell statue. They apparently have some sort of aphrodisiac prank to pull on the audience. Instead of a filmstrip about Old Man Cockswell, it’s one of Nerd’s movies showing Arsenbum and Miss Lott fucking. This guy who is basically Arsenhole’s boss fires him and Miss Lott. The guys then use the statue to release a gas that makes everyone on stage horny.

This makes Miss Lott do a strip tease while Miss Von Blow and this other lady take Arsenfucker to the floor and fuck him. I guess… I guess the boys win the movie. I guess. What did they win? I dunno. They have a Revenge of the Nerds style concert performance. I didn’t know they were a band. I hate this.

Alright, so this movie wasn’t very good at all. I wanted it to be good. I thought it would be good. It was a pale imitation of its predecessor. In all, it was just disappointing on all levels. There were real possibilities that could have been explored, but it was clear no one wanted to. It makes me wonder if that condensed 77-minute version was better. I’d be willing to watch that at some point to see if I do have a different opinion. I think what this came down to was that, while Screwballs had lots of guys in it that were doing arguably predatory things, they were still likable enough to carry the movie. These four dickheads were not terribly likable. They seemed like serious losers. And look, yes, I suppose you could say that if you weren’t lucky enough to be with the in crowd, you should stick together with any losers out there. You’d be right to do that… in most situations.

However, sometimes there are just real fucking losers out there. These are people who sincerely do not amount to much of anything and likely would be quite bad for you to associate with. That’s these guys. This is them. Do not be friends with people like this.

It’s not the worst movie I ever watched for this blog. There were maybe two or three nuggets in the dirt that was this movie that could be cleaned off, spruced up, and held high as a possible plot thread to follow. If the guys sincerely discovered they had girls they truly liked and wanted to pair off with them, but had to solve a problem that comes from their points game, that could really work. Instead, the guys are fucktwats, they basically try to place one of their teachers in a very bad compromising position, and they sort of meet girls who are good for them, but they just have a concert at the end and everyone cheers like they are the awesome rad dudes they think they are.

Honestly, I don’t know if we should send these turds to jail or if we should elect them to public office.

Okay… Enough with this bullfuck! Let’s carry on and start to wind this whole thing down. Next month… sigh… Is my nightmare. I’m going to look at all five of the sequels to the incredibly dumb Resident Evil. I didn’t really want to, but I need this. I need to steel myself for this. I feel if I can survive October 2021’s Resident Evil Sequel Month, then I can survive anything. So, yeah. Next week, we have Resident Evil: Apocalypse from 2004. Come celebrate the month of October, the best month of them all, and the utter destruction of everything I find good and wonderful about my brain and stuff!

BUT FIRST!

Tomorrow, September 25, there’s a new episode of B-Movie Enema: The Series! Go over to YouTube, subscribe to the channel and brace yourself for Cherry Hill High! Believe it or not, it actually pairs well with Screwballs II. Be sure to also follow B-Movie Enema on Facebook and Twitter to so you can stay up with all that is coming down the pike.

Until then, be cool, stay in school, and don’t be a Screwballs tool!

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