Oh boy…

You know what I often think about while watching Doctor Who? Big-tittied Eurobabes getting fucked by Daleks. What can I say? I’m a fucking weirdo. For real, this week’s B-Movie Enema article dives deep into the anal cavities of mid-00s direct to video sleaze and pornography. This skin flick goes by two names, but the one it gets most notoriety for is Abducted By the Daleks.

Naturally, England’s BBC is not too keen about something they have ownership of being used as sex toys so that other title this movie goes by is Abducted By the Daloids. Yeah. You’re not fooling anyone.

This is one of only 9 films from director Roman Nowicki. Who is Roman Nowicki? I haven’t a fucking clue. I do know that Abducted By the Daleks is the only film of his that does not have a sequel – probably under threat of being disappeared by the BBC. The “script” is written by one Billy Hartnell, a clever play on actor William Hartnell’s name. William Hartnell played the first incarnation of the Doctor – yes, yes, I know recent episodes have played around with the Doctor’s backstory, but I don’t care to change up the classic era at all, so I won’t grant those changes as being part of any true historical character development for the time traveler from Gallifrey – at least from MY perspective of how I ingest Doctor Who.

I’m not disparaging anyone’s love of present-day Doctor Who, but I’m going to say that the Classic Era from 1963 to 1989 is a different timeline/history than 2005 to present. “But, Geoff, what about the times the series referenced Classic Era stuff?” Guys, gals, and all my enby pals, don’t worry about it. I’m much more of a Classic Era fan and that’s just as valid and fine as you being much more of a Modern Era fan. I can slice up my continuities how I want and separate this from that or that from the other thing over there. I do it for Star Wars all the time. ALL the time.

If you haven’t noticed… I am a giant nerd. Therefore, I love Doctor Who – especially that cheesy Classic Era. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert, but I have seen every episode. But you maybe wondering how that is possible when much of the first two Doctors (Hartnell and Patrick Troughton) have many, many missing serials. The audio survived. I was able to get some gray market DVDs that put all the episodes from that classic era out there some years ago. True, I haven’t SEEN every episode, but I have definitely seen what’s available and HEARD the audio with corresponding photographs for those lost to time.

For the most part, you really only need to know what most people know about these alien robot/cyborg things. First, Daleks are rolly robots that have a laser gun and a plunger for tough clogs after I come over for taco night. The next layer down on what people know about them would include the metal casings that they roll around in are storage units for their horribly mutated bodies. Second, they are real bad guys who really only want to conquer. Third, they really like to say “EXTERMINATE!”

Now, for a little deeper knowledge. The Daleks were the creation of Terry Nation who was a writer for the BBC back in the early 60s. He created the Daleks for the second serial of the series. The Daleks ran for seven episodes and was a massive hit. In fact, it’s safe to say that the seven-part serial IS the reason Doctor Who became a phenomenon. Nation was smart, though. He held the rights to the Daleks themselves. That made him incredibly rich and it allowed for the robotic creatures to exist in their own corner of pop culture. He could release toys, games, and other memorabilia for them. He also attempted to create a whole series which fell through. However, Amicus Productions would make two Doctor Who movies featuring the Daleks starring Peter Cushing – Dr. Who and the Daleks and Daleks’ Invasion 2150 A.D. Both of these films were adaptations of serials from the BBC series with similar titles.

I wonder if Abducted By the Daleks is an adaptation of the Peter Davison Fifth Doctor serial Resurrection of the Daleks and everyone got confused and thought the title was Res-erection of the Daleks…

I digress.

I could go on for several thousand words about Doctor Who and that Classic Era as a whole. However, I kind of want to get to this disastrous porno parody. But first, why do I want to do this movie that is literally only 55 minutes? First, this is a complete oddity of a porn parody. Parodies have been around for as long as there has been a viable pornography industry. They are VERY popular today. Second, it’s a parody of something that I can’t say I’ve ever thought makes for a really good sexual fantasy. Sure, many of the Doctor’s companions range from cute to downright sexy (I’m looking at you, Nicola Bryant). However, I don’t think I ever thought about how one of the Doctor’s monster foes ever got down… or what they would do if some giant fake tits from Eastern Europe showed up on their ship.

That makes this movie that much more of a curiosity.

Mostly, this is what you call a softball week, Enemaniacs. I needed a little bit of a break. I figured a 55-minute porno with Daleks could serve as just that. “But, Geoff!” you might exclaim, “Why need that break? Are you getting burned out?” Oh, on the contrary loyal readers. I’m just extremely busy. You see… Five weeks from tomorrow is the Season 3 premiere of B-Movie Enema: The Series! I’ve been busy working on that with Nurse Disembaudee and I still have my commitments to the blog and to both podcasts Film Seizure and Monster Mondays at the Film Seizure website.

So, yeah. Gimme just a minute to catch my breath again. That’s where Abducted By the Daleks get to come to the plate… Ew.

Anyway, if you want to catch up with B-Movie Enema: The Series, you can do so by watching episodes right here on the site, on YouTube (some are not available there), Vimeo (everything is available there), or by adding the channel for B-Movie Enema to your Roku streaming device here (all episodes are found there).

Okay… Enough self-promotion. Let’s crack open these tin cans and see just how gross this can get.

The movie opens with a voice pondering if we’re alone or if someone is watching. Then the movie blares the Godzilla theme by Akira Ifukube. We are off to a very poor start. But I do kind of like the kind of rockabilly guitar music that plays after the ripped off Godzilla music. After the credits, something blazes across the sky and a car drives along the road. The car is full of our ladies that will be abducted by these Daleks. They… are all blonde. I’m not sure how I’m going to keep them straight.

Polly asks the others if they’re sure they didn’t miss a turn at some point back up the road. Romana says they are still going the right way. Zoe talks about her horoscope saying something about a big surprise. Jo said something but I don’t know what. These accents are VERY thick from, probably, the Czech Republic.

They talk about nightclubs and a serial killer who strips his victims naked and uses lipstick to mark incision lines. Polly wants to hear none of this. She turns to tell Zoe to shut the fuck up, but doesn’t see… this… in the road.

That is NOT a Dalek.

They wreck the car and that’s how we get to this situation that will ultimately lead these girls to possibly fuck a Dalek. The girls pile out of the car in their platform stripper heels and walk around the woods looking for the alien guy they pegged on the road.

They argue. They point flashlights at stuff. They talk about green blood on the car. They talk about they don’t know what anything is. For sure, though, the girls are poorly dressed for the woods and the car will not start after running into that little dude.

Now, I do have a question… Why are they walking DEEPER into the woods? I get it that they are maybe worried about the thing they hit the road, but is that all that smart? It’s like the middle of the night. If anything, they should walk along the road. That way, they can get help to get their car fixed or get taken to safety. But sure, go ahead and walk into a pitch black woods when you’re practically nude.

I’m sure there aren’t any dangers, oh wait, yeah, there are dangers. The Daleks are watching them because apparently they are just as big of a fan of watching strippers do things on Pornhub as I am.

The Daleks decide that these girls – which they call “simple creatures” – can teach them some stuff. Which, I assume, is how to do pages 147 through 162 of the Galactic Kama Sutra. Anyway, one girl, Polly, gets separated from the others. She starts getting cold and finds a cloak or something hanging on a branch. She strips to put this article of clothing on. The Daleks steal her clothes using a transmat beam.

I think they meant to grab Polly and not that dress but they correct their mistake the next time and beam her up to the ship. I guess it was lucky for them because Polly got herself stuck in some vines. They beam her up and she does not even notice that she a) is freed from the vines, b) she is no longer in the dark woods but in a bright white space ship, and c) that two Daleks have come into the room with her.

Simple creatures indeed.

In fact, the movie fades to black without her even reacting. When it comes back, they’ve taken Polly hostage. They yell at her about doing what they tell her to do. They say they want to learn information from her about her thoughts, her desires, etc.

I kind of get it. They are planning to blow up all the humans. So in order to do that efficiently, sure, you need to know your enemy. However, I think they have the wrong idea about sex. In order to get some of that information they decide to suck it out of her face with one of the Daleks’ plungers. I think they don’t realize that she should be sucking on their little laser thing. But whatever, they’re learning. I don’t think they have Space Hustler on Skaro.

The other three girls suddenly realize they’ve lost Polly. Romana is all like, “If she can’t keep up, that’s her problem.” Zoe is not having any of this leaving their friend behind and Jo decides to go with her to look for Polly. Jo gets scared about the forest or something. Zoe is all about holding and rubbing her to make sure she feels safe.

Sure.

Naturally, they get naked – as you do when you’re in a scary woods in the middle of the night. Never mind that bright light beaming down on top of you. I’m sure that’s not anything to be concerned about. Just keep pseudo-eating each other out and pinching nipples. That said, I guess it is lucky for the Daleks that they stopped for sexy times because they could beam them up naked and suck information out of their faces.

Again, it takes a long time for these girls to realize they aren’t fucking in the woods anymore. One of the Daleks has to clear his throat to get their attention. They tell them the same things they did to Polly. They are going to take them to the “Interrogation Room”. That sounds treacherous. Even more so when they play that Godzilla theme too.

There are several minutes here of extreme closeups of Daleks as they yell at the girls about wanting answers to their questions about Earth. There are several minutes of the girls embracing each other and kneeling and standing and kneeling and standing. It’s maddening because you’d think a 55-minute movie wouldn’t have any fat. This is fattier than a marble steak.

The girls are put into some machine to interrogate them. Apparently, they offer no information. One Dalek says they should just turn up the power to the next level. Another Dalek is like, “Yeah, if we do that, they couldn’t tell us ANYthing.” You know… as if they had anything useful to give these tin cans. The leader says it’s cool because the one that he expects to get information from will soon be beamed up.

By the way, that’s Romana.

They have their intergalactic Pornhub monitors tuned so well they know there’s another creature in the woods with Romana. They decide they need to beam her up right now because that other creature is moving in fast. They get Romana without any trouble. We go to the interrogation room where Polly, Jo, and Zoe are shackled to the wall and or just hanging out. The Daleks come in and introduce them to their new interrogator… Romana! They’ve give her some new clothes and a whip to help her out with the interrogations.

I’m confused about this revelation. Was she always working for the Daleks? Did they just ask her when they beamed her up if she wants a cool new outfit and whip her friends and she was like, “Fuck yeah!” Did they brainwash her? Did they duplicate her?

I know you want to show Daleks chaining naked bitches to the wall and to torturing them, but do you plan to actually have a plot in this mov… Oh wait, no, this… this is exactly what you want this movie to be. Got it.

Polly got herself free, somehow. She stabs one Dalek in the eye with a rubber knife (no shit, you see the knife crumple from being made of floppy rubber). She then tries to escape, but, oops, Daleks have laser guns.

Polly dies and the Daleks say the others need to die. So they turn on the sweet Halloween Haunted House strobe lights in the room. But apparently that wasn’t the Daleks. We can hear the Daleks arguing and freaking out and such. Zoe and Jo escape while the Daleks talk about how they plan to simply kill the Earthlings.

Zoe and Jo get to the transporter room, but are forced off the transmat pad by Romana. She escapes while, again, Zoe laughs her ass off (I shit you not, that actress is constantly laughing). The Daleks come in and kill Zoe and Jo – by shooting dat ass…

I have to say, I really didn’t expect Abducted By the Daleks to go the Psycho route and kill our protagonists in the first 32 minutes. I guess this is a masterpiece after all.

A masterpiece of shit.

Get this shit… Romana wakes up in the forest again. She’s now naked. She’s confused. She’s trying to figure out what happened and how she got there. She’s also a completely different actress now. I don’t know if this is to say she did a regeneration like a Time Lord or what, but I suspect they needed to shoot more and the original actress had to go to her shift at the strip club.

Yeah, she thinks the transmat beam mixed up her bits and bobs and turned her into a different person. Someone seems to be watching her in the woods though. I do wonder if she is going to explain how she totally sold out her friends who are mega dead now. Regardless, we’re back to wandering the woods again.

She isn’t going to tell us much of anything. She does, however, happen upon a goof guy in an old man mask and machine gun. Is this Ronald Reagan? Is this just some hillbilly?

He knocks her out and ties her to the tree. He tells her he’s after the serial killer who they were talking about way back at the beginning of the movie. She’s going to be used as bait so he can catch him and collect a reward. She explains that she previously captured by the Daleks and was held prisoner for intergalactic crimes. These crimes? Sex slave trading. She was working for the Daleks all along. She led her friends to the woods where they would capture them, interrogate them, and then (I think) inseminate them. I really don’t know if she said inseminate or exterminate because of her accent. Anyway, she only worked for the Daleks because they would have imprisoned her for 40 years if she did not help them.

All of this is very specific.

The guy is heard arguing with someone and shooting his rifle off in the distance. I guess that old man died. Back with the Daleks, they are trying to figure out where their sex slave trader is. They don’t know. I guess they are looking for the old actress and not the new one. That would explain a lot.

With seven minutes left to in this movie, another character is introduced – the serial killer dude. He is either a monster or an alien.

This is just a bunch of running this knife over her body and nipple and shit. I’m not sure why this is here or what’s going on. Anyway, the Daleks find Romana. They decide to beam her up to their ship before the killer skins her alive. But they wait a real long time to do this so we can watch this creepy weirdo fondle this poor Eastern European woman. It also allows the camera to pan up and down this woman’s body so we can see her tits and puss over and over.

However, just before he stabs her, the Daleks mistakenly beam him up to their ship instead of her. The movie ends with her telling her story to the cops about how she was tied to that tree for two days. She’s also still naked. But you know she’s talking to the cops. how do I know that? Because the cop has a blue spinning cop light on his desk.

The cops tell her she can just go after telling them her story. She asks if she can have some clothes. They say they don’t have anything like that. These cops suck. They bring in their “associate” and to her horror it’s a Dalek screaming about extermination and what have you.

This movie is balls. It’s hardly a movie. There is no plot. There is hardly any volume on dialog. One of the actresses is constantly laughing her ass off. There are serial killers and guys in old man masks. The cops don’t give the woman anything to wear. It’s to the point I have to assume that woman did not have any clothes at all because that second actress for Romana was never seen in clothing. The Daleks were just some props the guy who made this “movie” could get and threw them in there.

I’d say, “At least it’s only 55 minutes” but I’ve stared at walls for 55 minutes straight that had more interesting things going on with them than this movie. I could look at the real life pictures of Katy Manning (Jo from the Third Doctor’s era of classic Doctor Who) did with a Dalek in a 1977 magazine. Those are a million times more interesting than this.

Don’t trust me? Cast your peepers on this:

That’s mega hot. This movie stinks.

But at least I can scratch this off the bucket list. Yup, I’m done with “the Doctor Who porno with the Daleks”. That’s another thing! It’s just a nudie flick. The girls are but ass naked the whole time, but there is no sex. It’s almost chaste in that way. Still, one of those Daleks should have gotten something for being in this shitty movie. If nothing else, someone suck on their little laser gun thing!

Next week, I go out to sea for Eddie Romero’s Beyond Atlantis. If that movie has anything going for it, it’s that poster it has. We’ll talk more about that in the article! If you want to know when that hits the interwebs, the best thing you can do is subscribe to B-Movie Enema’s Facebook and Twitter accounts.

Like I mentioned earlier, B-Movie Enema: The Series returns on May 7 so be sure you are ready for that by subscribing to B-Movie Enema on YouTube, Vimeo, and, if you have a Roku, add the B-Movie Enema channel!