Welcome back to yet another B-Movie Enema and yet another entry in the Vice Academy saga!

When Vinegar Syndrome released a box set of Vice Academy movies, they only released the first half. I think we all assumed there would be a second volume with the fourth, fifth, and sixth entries but we’ve not heard anything yet as of this article’s creation. The good news, though, is that the entire series is on Tubi so… I guess all we’re waiting on is for Vinegar Syndrome to get their shit together to clean them up nicer than shit? I dunno.

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago as I was setting up Vice Academy Part 2, writer, director, and producer Rick Sloane, for the most part, is really best known for these movies and his two Hobgoblins movies. That said, I think it might be accurate to say he was a student of B-movies as a kid. He seemed to really be into the Roger Corman type stuff as he became deeply inspired by Hollywood Boulevard, a movie produced by Corman, directed by Joe Dante, and featured right here on this blog! But because he was so inspired by that, when he started working on his very first feature, Blood Theater, he was able to convince Hollywood Boulevard star (and Corman alum) Mary Woronov to headline that first movie. He did this at the age of 21.

In a lot of ways, I really do have a great deal of, for a lack of a better word, sympathy for Sloane. His movies have been bashed throughout his career. However, I do wonder if that even bothers him. You see, the guy clearly loves his B-movies. He may be closer to a Jim Wynorski type where he likes to interject sex and comedy into his movies. These aren’t the type of movies that will go over well with critics, but these Vice Academy movies WILL go over well on USA Up All Night where they became hits in the 90s thanks to Rhonda Shear bringing a lot of teenage fellas to the TV on Friday and Saturday nights before they had cars.

But enough of that… Let’s get into Vice Academy Part 3 where our lovely cops to stop and frisk some female inmates on the run!

Admittedly, the previous entry was a rough one. In that, we had about three different plots going on. First, our main ladies, Holly (Ginger Lynn) and Didi (Linnea Quigley, who is no longer in this series starting here with this entry), need to integrate into the police force despite being disliked and kind of bumbling (though every cop in this precinct is a goof). That also includes the whole thing with cocky beefcake cop, Petrolino, where the girls need to butter him up if they want to stay on the force and ever get promotions. Second, we have the main plot of the movie, the one with the Batman-esque villainess, Spanish Fly, threatening to taint the water supply with a powerful aphrodisiac. However, the movie itself gets tainted with a third subplot of sorts with the introduction of the robotic BimboCop who actually does all the work to topple Spanish Fly in the climax.

So I really do hope this one gets a little more back to the fun the first entry had.

The lovely lady replacing Linnea Quigley in the cast will not only replace her as the second bill to Ginger Lynn, but also replace Ginger Lynn is the top bill in the subsequent entries later in the 90s – Elizabeth Kaitan. We’ve seen her most recently in the fairly interesting Nightwish where she was kind of set up to be the main character only for that to ultimately go to someone else. She was also in the exploitation sci-fi classic Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity. She joins the cast as Candy.

By the way… Can I just say that whoever does the disc menus for their releases really outdid themselves this time around. This shit is cracking me up with how they rock it back and forth to make them do goofy dancing over and over again.

Right out of the gate in this movie, we find out that Didi graduated with full honors and has been promoted up the chain. So that’s what happened to Linnea. On top of that, Kaitan comes bouncing up to talk to the commissioner and Miss Devonshire to introduce herself as Candy, Didi’s sister. The commissioner says she just transferred in. Candy tells Devonshire that she’s so happy to meet her and looks forward to working her way up the chain too.

Miss Devonshire, thinking she just got rid of her problem pupil, Didi, is feeling all that stress coming right back now seeing her sister. I should mention we also have a pinch hitter here for Miss Devonshire. In the first two films, the character was played by Jayne Hamil. But, only for this entry, she’s played by Jordana Capra. From what I can see, Capra still works today and not in movies like this. Hamil will return for parts 4-6.

There is a bit of continuity here in this movie that’s leftover from the last. The previous movie ended with Holly in jail watching after an inmate. This was her punishment for blowing up BimboCop and was a punishment that was dangled over both her and Didi’s sexy little heads the entire movie if they couldn’t work well as a team. Well, she’s still in jail and doing undercover work. One of the girls who messes with Holly in the prison is Dee Hengstler, who played one of Spanish Fly’s girls in the previous movie. How’s that for some extra recognizable stuff from this series?

But that does now beg the question… Is she playing the same character? If so, do people know she’s a cop? Well… I guess not… Or at least she didn’t tell anyone or is just a massive bimbo and forgotten that Holly helped bring her and Spanish Fly down because when Holly overhears an escape plan from whoever she’s there to watch, she tells the guard she needs to make an urgent call and that she’s a vice cop.

Thanks to grabbing a gun from knocking out the guard, our main villainess for this movie, Melanie, leads a bunch of girls to escape. However, when the warden tells them to go back to their cells or face serious penalty, most of the girls just kind of shrug and give up and kind of lazily wander back to their cells. In the end, only Melanie gets free. She goes straight to the convenient store where Miss Devonshire is picking up some milk and getting checked out at the counter by the old man from Hobgoblins.

Meanwhile, Candy is on a date where she likes to mix her police training with her sexy fun times.

I can see how Kaitan gets the starring job from here on out. I like Candy’s zeal. Anyway, she is nearby where the robbery is going down. She comes busting in and Melanie uses Devonshire as a hostage. This is where we learn that Candy is a sweet girl, but she is a moron. She also sucks at shooting a gun. So that not only puts Devonshire’s life in danger, but she also gives Melanie a chance to escape.

As she escapes, she runs into some place that is doing some sort of spraying for something called “Malathion”. It ends up giving Melanie a green hairdo and gives her a makeover. I guess she’s now going to take the name Malathion. I also guess she’s something like the Joker from Batman because she looks at the camera after her reveal and says, “Wait until they get a load of me now!”

Alright… I am gonna have to be that guy. The line is “Wait until they get a load of me!” in Batman. This is because the Joker is reading about Batman in the papers. Batman is a fairly new phenomenon. Jack Napier was a long time crook who is now crazier and willing to shoot his boss straight up and reorganize all the crime in Gotham City under his rule. So he’s got a reason to say “Wait until they get a load of me!” Not only that, but he looks like a clown now. He feels like that will trump a guy dressed up like a bat who will continue to get all his press. We don’t know dick about shit about Melanie. Wait until we get a load of her now? You fucked up the line and we don’t know who you are. Let’s go back to Candy’s date. I could go for seeing how she deals with disarming a perp.

I digress.

The next day, Devonshire and the commissioner are presiding over “Field Day” at the prison where they will compete against the vice division. I do like how in these two movies how many times the commissioner is on his way to, or speaking at, some event. It’s a funny little recurring joke that he’s basically worthless so all he does is the bullshit ceremonial stuff. Anyway, obviously the prisoners are going to be at a disadvantage because cops and stuff. Whatever. The points of this scene are to 1) see girls do sexy sports things and 2) to get Candy and Holly in the same place at the same time for the first time.

Naturally, they instantly dislike each other. I don’t know yet if Holly knows who Candy is or if she just smells the Linnea Quigley on her sister. First up, Holly says she heard Candy is good in the sack after the sack race. Second, when Holly doesn’t want to play a violent game of charades, Candy tattles on her.

Anyway, Malathion rolls up and helps bust a couple girls out of the pokey. When Malathion’s former cellmate, Samantha, doesn’t escape, the commissioner takes a shine to the girl for being an upstanding inmate. Also, Candy has some words for how shitty of a job Holly clearly did in allowing Malathion to escape. However, it’s Devonshire who gets in trouble for doing the field day thing that allowed for the escape to happen. Holly gets put back on active duty and is apparently going to team up with Candy.

Through a sort of silly scene about the commissioner and Devonshire trying to find a job for Samantha to do, she ends up being a singing clown and ends up at a bar where some of the escaped girls come to hold the place up. Samantha calls the cops and helps disarm one of them. She then gets recruited by the commissioner to join vice. I guess that’s how that shit works. Funny story, the kind of easily likable and easy on the eyes Samantha is played by Darcy DeMoss. Darcy DeMoss is not credited for this movie. It’s not like she’s not normally in movies like this, say, like a Jordana Capra. Oh no. She has all sorts of Cinemax-level movies up and down her filmography. I guess a Rick Sloane movie is a bridge too far for her to take a credit.

Alright, so due to Melanie escaping, both Devonshire and Candy’s incompetence in stop her at the convenience store, and, I guess, somehow, Holly’s inability to stop her from escaping in the first place, the commissioner is mad at all of them. Basically, Devonshire, Holly, and Candy are getting kicked off the job and Samantha will stay on during her work furlough. Holly comes up with an idea to try to get to Malathion before Samantha does so they can get the credit she so desperately always seeks.

I’m not entirely sure what Holly’s plan is, but they go back to the bar they were just at to arrest those escaped prisoners. They try to get Samantha drunk, but it seems like it’s Devonshire that can’t hold her liquor. There is a hilarious moment here. I think it’s a fuck up, but it’s played off very well. Holly says, “Tell us about yourself, Melanie…” To which SAMANTHA responds, “Um, it’s Samantha.” Now, kind of expertly, Holly shoots back, “Whatever.” I think it’s an outtake. I really really do. Melanie was the name of Samantha’s cellmate. It’s so obviously the other character’s name. I know Holly is trying to fuck with Samantha, but come on… I feel like this was a fuck up.

Especially because the commissioner is the one in this movie that keeps forgetting Samantha’s name, but at least he’s coming up with different names that are close to Samantha.

Anyway, the plan backfires and Devonshire and Holly get really drunk and they get arrested for Devonshire assaulting the bar’s owner when he tried to 86 them. The commissioner comes and gets them out of jail. While he had to deal with that, apparently Malathion is on a purse-snatching rampage. She stops women on the street with a can of Aqua Net and sprays them in the face so she can get their purses. While she reads about her crime spree, Malathion learns about Samantha breaking up the bar hold up. She plans revenge on the vice squad.

Meanwhile, the commissioner calls in an expert to help the force bring down Malathion. He calls in Professor Kaufinger. He wants either Holly or Candy to decide to be his assistant. At first, they think the job is going to be boring. They then find out he’s a hunk. So they both decide to assist him. It really is shocking how these movies’ stories meander from one scene to the next. It’s almost like these are structured like an episode of The Simpsons. I mean that there are multiple plots that play out. A typical episode of The Simpsons starts off with one thing that happens that then leads to whatever the main thing for the majority of the episode will be about. I’ve tried to figure out what these Vice Academy movies are like on a script/plot level. It’s a little bit like a kid with no attention span, but also it feels like talking to your buddy while he’s in that really happy level of being blitzed. I thought maybe it’s stoned, but it’s not that. It’s not got that kind of comedy. It’s more of a horniness and doesn’t have much chill. So, really it’s a nugget of an idea (like having a Batman-style villain) followed by the entire kitchen sink being thrown at a wall to see sticks.

At least the scenery is good.

Hell, we almost saw Kaufinger’s dick when they walked in on him changing. He’s ass out and he turns almost to the point that his dong was in view. So I guess there’s also something here for the ladies. However, I’m positive no woman is watching this movie. Not unless it’s some teenage boy’s mom walks in on him watching it.

Since we’re closing in on the final thirty minutes of the movie, I guess it’s time for everything to come together. The commissioner tells Samantha to mail something important for him. She gets confronted by Malathion and her gang and given a proposition… Look the other way when crimes are committed, and she’ll get some money on the sly. Holly overhears this and plans to use this to their advantage. Holly goes to Candy and tells her that she saw them working together.

Look, I like Holly as a character. I especially like Ginger Lynn (who couldn’t?). However, she is a bit of a turd. She’s always looking for a way to get credit or for way to screw over another person. This is one of our main heroes. Oh whatever… she’s hot.

A report comes in about a robbery at the recycling center. Because most of the cops are already on the job elsewhere, Holly and Candy are put back onto active duty to help bust the bad guys. They’re told to take Samantha with them. So our girls are off to take on the bad guys. Malathion’s girls are found by Samantha and they try to buy her off with a “bonus” from the safe. Samantha says she’s not taking the offer. Holly busts in and bumps into Samantha causing her to drop her gun. Then the girls get away. Holly says it was clearly her plan to let them get away. She reports the whole deal that Holly overheard. The commissioner throws her off the squad and sends her back to jail.

On the other hand, Candy knows Holly set her up and is being a bitch about it. Samantha finds a wad of cash in her locker as she is cleaning it out with a note from Malathion. So… I guess that’s good? She’ll have some money when she gets out of jail at least.

Elsewhere, Kaufinger has come up with an anti-Malathion formula to stop our bad guy. I mean, I could waste word count by saying this is the dumbest thing that could be thought of to stop a robber, but what else would we expect in this movie? The commissioner says that all they have to do is come up with a plan to lure Malathion out of hiding. In order to do that, Devonshire goes on television to set up an event that is a trap for Malathion. The event? An Earth Day celebration that will also have a drawing for a massive cash money prize.

Remember the Vinegar Syndrome menu that is a goddamn work of art? Well, it’s about to happen. The commissioner has Holly and Candy put on themed bikinis to go undercover as performers for a show or something that’s happening before the big giveaway. Or, at least that’s what the girls think. They go out and dance which gets all the hippies who go to this Earth Day recycling event thing (because 30 years ago we only thought hippies recycled shit) to dance along with them.

I think it’s safe to say this is the most brilliant idea Rick Sloane ever had to get two hot babes into skimpy bikinis. Here’s what the commissioner wanted the girls to do – hide in trash cans and disguise themselves as recyclable cans. You read that right. They are wearing barely there bikinis to disguise themselves as aluminum cans. You literally need no reason whatsoever to get Ginger Lynn and Elizabeth Kaitan into skimpy bikinis. This is the THIRD Vice Academy movie. If you wanted to, you can simply write it directly into the script that they come into the movie wearing a bikini and they never change out of it. That’s all you had to do. But noooooo… he came up with a whole idea around them needing to get into the bikinis so they can then misunderstand the reason and do goofy sexy dances and then learn they are supposed to go undercover as recyclables.

Brilliant. Just fucking brilliant.

Malathion strikes at the event and everyone starts running for their lives while her girl goons go and find the loot and also realize how heavy the trash cans of recyclables are. They figure at 45 cents a pound, they could take those too and make a ton of money off the garbage. That’s when the girls ditch their disguises and capture them.

Inside the station, Malathion goes looking for Miss Devonshire. Devonshire sprays Malathion with the goop that Professor Hunk made and is able to capture her. You know… They never actually said why they needed a specific Anti-Malathion spray. Nor did they say really what it did to Melanie other than turn her hair green, her laugh up to a 12, and made her wear purple bras under zebra print. I think they try to say she’s a threat to the environment for how much hairspray she sprays on her victims. But that’s… Sigh. Fuck it. She’s hot.

Malathion’s male henchman is about to escape with the loot when Samantha, who jimmied the lock on her holding cell with a knife, trips him and takes him out. Everyone captures someone. The commissioner gives Samantha another shot. Samantha studies in her cell where she now bosses Malathion around instead of the other way around at the beginning of the movie. Samantha passes the test and becomes a vice babe.

The movie comes to an end with everyone back on active duty and everything coming up tits.

I can say this movie is a little bit better than the second. It’s dumb as hell but in a much less offensively bad sort of way that I kind of felt the last one was. This one has a little more fun with what’s going on. Holly still bounces back and forth between being someone we root for and being a mean girl bitch. There is something really endearing about Elizabeth Kaitan’s kind of overly positive and bubbly smile. I like that.

As mentioned previously, this is the end of the road for Ginger Lynn (though she does show up in a cameo as an uncredited prison inmate in the fifth film). The series doesn’t return until 1995 with Kaitan in the lead role as she takes on Julia Parton’s Malathion again. I’m not entirely sure what the reason was for four year wait in between entries, but I’m guessing that Lynn was a little too preoccupied or too expensive to bring back. If I had to guess, the following three entries won’t really look like real movies like these first ones do. I’m not sure when I’ll venture back to the academy for those final three. Someday, though… Someday.

As a closing thought on Rick Sloane. He does not make very good movies. I think he had fun making his movies. I think he liked making the movies he made. I feel like he rode a kind of smart line, though. He knew what video stores and late night cable wanted and delivered on that. Are the movies any good? Nope! But have you actually watched any of those exploitation sex comedy films of the 80s and 90s? Are any of them good? Nope! But they are fun to watch. I think if you want to watch the Vice Academy movies (again, all of them are on Tubi for free if you can stand the ads) or Hobgoblins, you’ll have to turn off a lot of parts of your brain, and like the really important parts too, or else you’ll find yourself ramming your head into brick walls trying to figure out what the hell is what in these movies.

I’m not kidding. I think the first time I watched Hobgoblins as a kid, I couldn’t find my ass for several days. When I did, I couldn’t tell it from a hole in the ground until I got very specialized help from a brain doctor.

Alas, we had a fun time, didn’t we? Next week, we’re going to another classic sequel whose first film was the kickoff to this month of playing catch-up. We’re going back to the days of old where men were beefy and barbaric and women were babes and sometimes show their tits for no reason at all. Join me next time for Deathstalker II!