Welcome to my public suicide note!

That’s right, Enemaniacs. This month of B-Movie Enema reviews might just end me. I hope not. I have lots of movies planned and I think 2024 is going to be a good one for the blog. There’s a new season of B-Movie Enema: The Series coming soon. Despite what some people might believe when talking to me, I have no intention of throwing my life away recklessly on foolish pursuits. But… Did I bite off more than I can chew with this opening theme month?

I guess we’ll find out in four weeks’ time. Welcome to Steven Seagal Month at B-Movie Enema. I know, I know… It sure did seem as though I would never again touch a Seagal flick after the torture that was Sniper: Special Ops, but I guess I’m just a glutton for cinematic diarrhea. It’s only four weeks. That can’t lead to that much pain and suffering, right? Right?

Anyway, I start the month off with this 2006 action flick Attack Force.

I want to lay some groundwork for this month. Understand that I am not going to be looking at any of the late 80s/early to mid 90s “prime” Steven Seagal catalog. Oh no. This is B-Movie Enema. You gotta know that I’m going to make this hard. It’s going to be hard for you too, by the way. These movies are gonna suck. Real bad. So, I decided to look no earlier than the year 2005. Attack Force was one that appealed to me and that was 2006. It appeals to me because I have a special place in my heart for movies with the word “Force” in the title. If you’ve ever listened to Film Seizure, you know of that special place for “Force” films.

Second, I understand that there is a YouTube channel out there that really goes hard in looking at Seagal’s filmography, Space Ice. Do I watch him? Yes. So, in order to properly do my own reviews, I specifically picked four films I don’t think he covered. If he has, then I don’t remember seeing the review and will stay away from them until after I write my own review.

Thirdly, I kind of want to make this fun. So, with the hope that I survive this month’s torture, I’m going to make a game out of these reviews. I am going to be looking at three very specific categories and keeping a regular count. I’ll be keeping that tally and reporting back on that at the end of the month. All three things are very Seagal in nature: Scenes at a Strip Club, Scenes Using an Obvious Double for Seagal, and Lines by Seagal That Were Mumbled or Clearly Recorded by Someone Else.

The above categories will likely be much easier to find in the later films, but these are all things that often appear in Seagal films. Now, I’m not going to count each and every shot that appears with one of the three categories. So, like, if Seagal goes to a titty bar, I’m not going to be racking up the counts with each shot of a stripper or the stage. That’s insane. So, if Seagal goes to a titty bar, has a scene there, leaves, and a couple scenes later returns to either the same or a different titty bar, that counts as 2. If he goes to a titty bar and talks to someone and it has a cutaway and it comes back and he’s still having the same conversation or other business at the titty bar, then that just counts as 1. If a double comes in to arrive at a scene where action will happen and it’s just coverage, that would count as 1.

However, doubles and mumbles count differently. If a double arrives in a scene and there are several cuts or shots that clearly indicate the double is still there, that will count for each cut. If Seagal mumbles an entire soliloquy, monologue, or musing, that is just a single point. However, if he does that, the other character says something, and Seagal keeps mumbling, that starts to add up. If someone ELSE does ADR work to fill in Seagal’s dialogue, then the same goes – each individual line counts. This shit is going to get out of control quick, I think.

There are other things I could count, but I would be spending more time counting bullshit than reporting on the bullshit of the movies. These are things like him hooking up with women who are decades younger than he is. Or being shot in Eastern Europe. I think at least two of the movies chosen meet that criteria. I specifically only chose one movie, this one, that Seagal had any credit for the screenplay. That’s something he has done A LOT more recently. I didn’t want to count lazy slap fights, flinchy gun shooting, or how many scenes Seagal is sitting down. God that would be a ridiculous number.

Still, I think we can make some fun out of this tortuous month.

So… I want to be real honest about something. I’m gonna let you in on how the sausage is made around B-Movie Enema Industries, okay? I almost always write the prelude to the reviews I do on the blog at least a day, if not days, ahead of actually sitting down and doing the movie. It’s a different energy I need for the two elements of a B-Movie Enema article. The prelude is where I get into the more factual and “serious” stuff about a star or director or whatever. The review is dick and fart jokes or talking about titties, etc. That said, I came up with my whole game for this month of Seagal movies before laying an eye on a single frame of any of these movies. So when the credits began as a black screen with white letters before going into a murky unfocused visual for the rest of the credits after showing the title, I saw this:

I chuckled and thought “Shit, even these credits are shot at a titty bar, but at least they are trying to obscure it.” Then I was trying to tell myself that, “No way they are shooting the credits against obscured, out of focus, strip club footage, right? Right?” But as the credits continued, I truly realized this wasn’t some Rorschach test of my own creation. These fucking credits, right out of the gate, first film of the month, are happening at a goddamn titty bar.

Score one under the Strip Club category for the Steven Seagal game.

Shock of shocks, the movie doesn’t enter that strip club out of the credits. Oh no. This is a classy production. No, Steven Seagal doesn’t want to give you the illusion of strip club bad tit job visuals, but wants to actually start the movie outside where an operation is underway. There are military guys or maybe some mercenaries or some heavily armed whatever the fucks who are closing in on a research facility. It seems as though they are headed there to blow that fuckin’ place up. Before they get there, they are beaten to the punch by some other guys with machine guns and whatnots who come to gun down some of the security dudes who are transporting something out of the facility. These guys are probably terrorists. I’m sure we’ll be told more about them later.

What I do know is we get to see our favorite tub of fuck and the commander of the squad that was apparently going to shoot up the place originally. That would be Marshall Lawson, played by Steven Seagal. Marshall… Lawson… Might as well call him Captain Justiceman. What’s kind of amazing is that Marshall Lawson has four lines in the movie in these opening minutes. One to order the strike, one to talk about one of the terrorists that he’s pursuing down an alley, one to request air support, and one to confirm he’s headed to where the air support made the guy fall off his motorcycle. ALL FOUR of these fucking lines are dubbed by a voice double. It’s not even close. We’re off and running hard in that category.

This bad guy has a thick knife up his jacket sleeve. He tries to bumrush Seagal with it but he just kind of does some lazy bullshit self-defense technique to avoid being cut up, and then… somehow… turns the guy’s arm so that the knife is lodged VERY deeply into the guy’s head. There’s… There was no way to make that work on a scientific level, but this is a Steven Seagal action flick, so… You just gotta go with it.

The aftermath of this attack clears some things up. Lawson is the head of a military security detail for that research facility. They were going to stop the attack, not attack the place themselves. They were just a tad late. He gets reamed by a superior and, again, Seagal is overdubbed by a voice double. This is incredible. All of Seagal’s lines up to this point in the movie were doubled by someone who sounds more like Kurt Russell than Steven Seagal. This movie is already far more lazy than Sniper: Special Ops could ever dream to be.

It’s not just him either. He’s got an Agent Coulson-type buddy. I call him Coulson because he looks like a knock-off of Clark Gregg. He’s also VERY clearly overdubbed. It could be he’s actually European. It could be that the sound was totally fucked by the incompetence of the crew. It could be laziness. The truth of it, I will explain later. It’s… It’s kind of amazing.

The movie shifts to Paris, France. Seagal and Coulson arrive with a trio of other guys. One of which comments on Lawson being a guy with confidence rarely seen these days. Another of the guy says he’s a bad motherfucker. At this point, 7 minutes, 51 seconds into this picture, we actually hear Seagal’s real voice as he toasts his team that was sent here to France for… reasons. Coulson, whose real name in this is Dwayne, tells the guys to fuck off and go to the bar and drink their drinks there. He and Seagal have to go sit down (read: Seagal needs to go sit down) and talk about shit those guys ain’t good enough to hear about. Dwayne says these kids don’t know what they are signed up for.

Never mind that WE don’t know what they’ve signed up for.

Outside, there’s a couple making out in a car. It seems as though the girl isn’t down with giving the guy a blower, so he gets out to have a smoke and blow off his blue balls. He is suddenly attacked by someone who slashes his throat. The girl, no longer seeing the guy standing outside, goes out to look for him, and she, too, is killed by the assailant, a woman who seems to move SUPER fast and quietly.

In another shock of shocks, the three guys decide this bar is a little too lame for them, so they are going to leave. Where are they going? A strip club! They ask Seagal if he wants to go, and, an even bigger shock, he declines saying he’s too old. That’s… That’s truly unexpected from Seagal. Dwayne also says he’s not wanting to go due to being too poor for strip clubs. Look at this guy in the middle. He’s shocked that Seagal turned down a titty bar.

We do get our second scene at a strip club thus far in Attack Force. One of the guys wants to invite a girl back to the hotel where they are staying. Apparently, they had to talk to someone who operates as something like a pimp to agree to allow her to go with them. Now, this girl surprisingly looks like someone we just saw killing the young couple. Back at the hotel, Seagal sees a blonde woman, immediately excuses himself, and finds the girl and makes out with her. She is apparently part of the same outfit as Seagal. He’s surprised to see her here.

Seagal is decades older than this girl, whose name is Tia.

Now… I know I’m only, like, 15 minutes into this movie, but there’s already a problem that has arisen that I think will be a recurring problem throughout the entire month. We don’t really know or understand what the mission here is. There was an action scene that featured a military/security team that was charged to stop some bad guys from stealing a thing at a research facility. That thing was something that looked like a key or a fancy USB drive or something. It was in a case. That deems it “fancy” as far as I’m concerned.

The action then shifted to France because Seagal was told he had to go there. Okay. Fine. We meet three dude bros who want to drink some beers, go to a titty club, and, apparently, use said titty club like an escort service to pick up a girl to take back to the hotel to fuck. Meanwhile, another person, a girl who has the unenviable job of making out with Steven Seagal, has also arrived to shadow or meet up with them or something.

On the surface, these are okay things to happen in the course of a first act. However, we’re barely given any character information. The dude bros are acting in a way that will likely get them killed. They seem to be a little too full in the balls if you catch my drift. Dwayne seems to be an emotionless bore. Seagal is… well, he’s Seagal. What does that mean? Sure, we see him have a very brief fight with the guy in the opening sequence that leads to Seagal stabbing the dude in the head with that guy’s own knife blade. Beyond that, we’re TOLD by the dude bros that Seagal’s character is a badass. This is pretty much par for the course when it comes to a Seagal character.

This all begs the question… Why are we here? What was that thing in the fancy case? What is Seagal and the team’s actual motivation or mission? This is called a plot. Thus far, we don’t have one. Again, yes, this is just the first 15 minutes, but most of the time we understand what it is the good guys are protecting in the opening sequence and what their reasons are for being sent elsewhere on a mission. These are the things that invest the audience in the adventure you’re having. It’s not here. That leaves me to assume this was made solely for dad-bod wannabe action heroes who just want to see Steven Seagal fuck decades-younger chicks and beat ass so they can live vicariously through them.

That’s not how you do a real movie.

Anyway, back to the dude bros. They brought this girl back. I guess the plan was to run a train on her. Why not, right? This is co-written by Steven Seagal. Women are objects and things to fuck or watch strip. Why wouldn’t she want to get reamed by three dudes one after another in a Parisian hotel room? Two of the guys decide they just want the girl for themselves and lock the third in one of the rooms inside their suite.

Uh oh… This is the girl who killed the younger couple earlier. She is making out with one of the guys and kills him before busting through the wall to that guy who was locked away from the others and kills him. Seagal and Dwayne see bloody footprints leading away from the dude bros’ suite. They go inside to find them all dead. The cops come and Seagal has to tell this snooty little French fuck that he needs to take the bodies for a very special autopsy. Dwayne goes to the titty bar and is approached by our murderess, Reina. He asks her about who the guys could have been seen there earlier. She basically calls over Aroon, her “pimp” of sorts. Aroon tells Dwayne to beat cheeks.

Seagal and Dwayne have their suspicions confirmed about the death of their team. Not only were they victims of blunt force trauma but they also all had traces of a designer drug on their remains called CTX. CTX is a drug that gives the user superhuman strength and agility. That’s why Reina was able to handle three military dude bros and very quickly kill that young couple. The primary side effect of this drug is that the user has a bloodlust that drives them to kill.

Seagal and Dwayne go to discuss what could have led to the death of the younger members of their team. Seagal figures it had to be an assassination to which Dwayne suggests it was for some past mission. A past mission, I have to surmise, in which Seagal slappy fought someone into the ground.

But, again… What is the mission here? The following morning that the guys were killed, they were supposed to meet with Seagal and Dwayne to go on a mission. What mission was that? I don’t know. It’s completely dropped. Their guys are dead, so they go on their own mission to resolve the murders. Dwayne goes to that strip club and gets turned away by Aroon, who, by the way, is seen in custody moments later in movie time. I guess Dwayne got the last laugh there because he had the cops arrest the guy.

Seagal goes to some place called Majestic Headquarters. I guess that’s the military organization he works for? He tries to get into a part of the headquarters that he is no longer cleared for. A guy named Robinson comes out and says, despite Seagal being a Commander and whose balls are totally cleared for every nook and cranny of Majestic Headquarters, he’s no longer allowed into the nookiest of crannies.

Tia, who still has clearance, meets with Seagal. While they meet to find out why his guys were killed, Dwayne interrogates Aroon. Tia says Majestic has been monitoring the area for a while. Seagal asks his girlfriend to get him some weapons he likes. Dwayne learns Aroon developed CTX and had a lot of military funding and when he went AWOL, he still had to perfect his drug. So he tested it on innocents and then sold it as a party drug. He says that Reina probably mistook the dude bros’ libido for aggression and that triggered her CTX high that led to mindless killing.

Dwayne threatens to inject Aroon with CTX unless he tells him where Reina is hiding. Aroon says if the cops or the army show up at her door she will kill them instantly. He then says that soon a large amount of CTX is going to be dumped into the water supply and everyone will either be addicted or die from it. That’s one of those things that feels like escalated fast in this so-called plot. So, Dwayne, being a massive idiot, injects Aroon with CTX which allows him to overpower a guard after Dwayne leaves and then this guy escapes. He meets a woman whom he tells Majestic is setting up a strike force. She tells him he needs to try to convince Tia to join them. This woman, whose name is Vanna, is maybe funding Aroon’s defection and continued ability to work on CTX.

Good lord this plot is about as clear as mud. Okay. So there’s this drug that gives people superhuman strength, agility, and a nasty thirst for killing. It was designed by a guy who had government and/or military funding to create a serum that would make soldiers kill wantonly and without thought. That guy defected and went AWOL and continued to perfect his drug with the ultimate plan to profit from it. Part of the funding was maybe from and the work was supposed to benefit a clandestine military organization called Majestic. Caught in the middle of all this is Steven Seagal who had guys under his command more or less accidentally killed by a woman hopped up on the drug because she mistook their sex drive for aggression.

Got it? Good.

Now, all that is getting thrown at us in very quick scenes that are almost being blasted out of a shotgun at our faces. The concept of a super soldier serum is one thing. That’s fine. That kind of makes sense in a “shadowy government plot” sort of way. What doesn’t make any sense is how everything so neatly meets in the middle and intersects. Seagal does NOT work for Majestic. He’s a normal army commander guy. He does have some clearance that I guess extends to Majestic? It shouldn’t but it does. It just so happens that Seagal’s girlfriend works at Majestic. Not only that but she also worked directly with Aroon on the CTX stuff? That seems to make her shady as fuck. Seagal, Dwayne, and their guys were all on some sort of mission that ended when the trio of guys died at the hands of CTX-addled Reina who may or may not have been kind of acting under the orders of Aroon since he knew she could be extremely dangerous.

It’s like doing a puzzle but instead of painstakingly finding each piece that fits with another piece and then taking those and finding other pieces that fit with them, you cut pieces to make them fit however you want them to fit. You have all these pieces of a plot that shouldn’t come into contact or fit together but you’ve made it so that they do fit together. That leaves us with a picture that doesn’t look right.

It kind of makes this movie unwatchable because you just can’t wrap your fucking brain around it.

Aroon visits Tia so he can try to convince her to join him and Vanna to work on CTX. She was rather involved with the creation of this drug that turns regular soldiers into mindless killing machines. That really does not put her in a very good light. She’s the mega super beefy hero’s girlfriend. She probably shouldn’t be involved with the creation of a killer drug.

Tia meets with Seagal and Dwayne. She says something about how Aroon knows this, that, and the other about him. They talk about how much shit they could catch from a guy named Werner who maybe runs Majestic or is really her boss or whatever. I don’t know and I’m struggling to care. She says she was there to give them usable intel to use against Aroon and this drug shit. She says nothing of importance. She literally only says what Aroon knows about them and how her boss is gonna be mad at them. By the way, that second thing about this Werner being mad at them? Seagal just says he knows who sent him there, why he’s there, and he can basically fuck off. Seriously… He pretty much just says he is unconcerned by this Werner’s issues with him and Tia being boyfriend and girlfriend and he can eat his sack. Seagal is so fucking annoyingly alpha in his movies that he cannot show any kind of concern over someone who has an entire army to command getting in the way of the desired outcome.

This movie, believe it or not, sucks.

Tia tells Dwayne that they’ve already found CTX in the water supply and that, within 12 hours, at least 15,000 people will be fully addicted to the drug. Tia brings Seagal to her apartment where she says she brought a couple agents to help them. They start going over plans when Reina jumps down from through the ceiling. She immediately kills the two agents Tia brought with her from Majestic and kicks her through several cardboard walls. Seagal eventually kicks her into a support beam for a staircase which falls on Reina and knocks her out. They capture her and go to a Majestic lab where Tia can deal with her.

Tia then says it’s time to go to the armory. This “armory” has been brought up a few times. It basically contains all the weapons that Seagal wanted from Tia to begin with. She then had to procure that and get it sent to this lab where she can now hand it over to Seagal. I want it to be made very clear that some number of scenes ago, Tia was basically told by her boss Robinson that she would be covertly working with Seagal and Dwayne for the secret benefit of Majestic. Her brazenly helping Seagal and Dwayne should raise red flags all over the place, but Dwayne treats his military service like he’s James Bond on steroids and bullshit. So he just EXPECTS her to give him information to use. Seagal is just Seagal and opts to be something of a bull in a china shop and just beat up anyone he doesn’t like the look of – like some guys from Majestic that were following him earlier in the movie.

Before going to the armory, Dwayne asked how they were going to deal with all these addicted CTX people. She says the way they always do. That’s when she shows all these deadly weapons that were designed to counteract people who are addicted to CTX. That seems to answer the question of how they are dealing with people with addiction and the answer is “by killing every last one of these motherfuckers!” The first victim is Reina. Seagal wants information about the CTX people but she won’t tell him anything. She nearly breaks out of her restraints so Seagal kills her.

There is something else that goes on in the second act that is really hard to explain but is very jarring. So, Tia’s boss, Robinson, sent her on this mission to, I guess, basically help Seagal possibly stop and/or bring in Aroon. Yet, he also seems to be against this idea as well. This either creates a situation that is very poorly edited in a spatial sense or is a clear indication that this movie was HEAVILY reworked and reshot in post-production (more on that later). He will be in one place, and then immediately show up in this board room for Majestic where he’s giving a report to higher-up people at Majestic. This is so jarring because we don’t know where everything is happening or how much time passes between Robinson being in one place and then showing up in the briefing room.

Case in point: When Tia and Seagal are working out the next stages of their plan to combat the CTX-addicted people (read: how they plan to commit a massive amount of murder), he tells her there will be no backup. What will come instead would be a strike force from Robinson as they try to shut their activities down. Now, Robinson did send Tia to Seagal to work with him so I don’t understand why he wants to shut down their activities, but whatever. That scene shows that they were too late and Tia, Seagal, and Dwayne are long gone and have taken everything of importance with them. Jump cut to Robinson giving a debrief to this Admiral fella who apparently runs Majestic. I guess Majestic is a seafaring clandestine military operation.

One, how far away is Tia’s lab from Majestic headquarters? Two, was it really that easy to learn that EVERYTHING important was taken? Three, would that mean he’s been gone an hour? Two? Three? Is it the next day? How much damage can Seagal, Dwayne, and Tia cause in the time it took him to get to her lab, discover everything is gone, and then get back to Majestic HQ to report on it? Jump cut again to the next morning when the French cop arrives to tell Robinson that he has three dead undercover cops who seem to have residue of a drug that, rumor has it, was designed by the military. Time is all fucked up here in these scenes, and the scenes all happen within, like, two minutes. See what I mean by saying this movie sucks?

Okay… Fuck. Let’s get to the end of this movie as fast as possible. This whole experience feels like it’s been going on for days now. Tia brings Seagal, Dwayne, and the rest of her team to a safehouse on the edge of town. This will be where they start out to find where the water supply has been tainted. By the way, there was never a scene in which it actually showed the bad guys tainting the water. Aroon just said he was going to do it, and sometime later, he did it. Oh, fuck it. Anyway, something else not actually shown was that, somehow, Robinson had planted a tracking device on our heroes that led to him being able to find them at the safehouse. So he shows up, kills one of Tia’s guys (who would also be a Majestic guy, I might add), and invades.

We have Majestic people shooting other Majestic people. You better believe Dwayne and Seagal are also taking glee in killing some fools who are getting in their way. This includes Robinson who Seagal just straight up shoots in the head.

I still don’t understand why Robinson sent Tia to work with Seagal if he was just going to show up and try to kill her and Seagal, but seriously who cares anymore. I’m just desperate for this movie to be over.

Seagal meets with the Admiral who runs Majestic. He explains what is going on and what they plan to do to stop it, and, for insurance, he agrees to take Werner, another guy like Robinson, with them to ensure nothing goes a way that is not to the Admiral’s liking. The team goes into the town of Bastia. This was a place where the most highly concentrated poisoning of the water supply was. The streets are dark and quiet as the team rolls into town. House-by-house, soldiers are entering homes and checking people for signs of CTX. The main sign is a blinking of the eyes that they say is more like a dilation but it’s more like a vertical blink than the normal horizontal. Seagal gets to kill a couple having dinner because they blinked at him funny.

Can I just say it is absolutely wild to me that there was NO attempt at finding a cure? So this movie is going to basically showcase a final act where military people are entering homes, without permission, and anyone found “infected” is gunned down without an attempt to subdue them another way. That. Is. Insane.

Let’s not forget this is a movie that is set in France and features military people who are part of the American Armed Forces.

This means that for the majority of the final 20 minutes of this movie, we see American soldiers first invade a small French town and then invade each person’s home. When they find people who blink funny or attack, they gun them down. The victims include a priest, an elderly woman, a young couple, and just your average guy. Again, there is no attempt ever made to think that maybe, just maybe some of these people are entirely innocent and maybe there should be some attempt to cure them of the addiction instead of just gunning these people down after you took over their town (likely without the approval of the French government).

That’s not the only stupid thing that happens in this very stupid movie. No, we need to give Seagal extra motivation. How do you do that? Why, by having Aroon suddenly drop down from above and attack Tia! This attack leaves her with a pretty nasty gash on her throat that kills her.

This is doubly atrocious because Seagal even gives special justification to Dwayne as to why she should be trusted to help them with this mission. Not trusted in a way that she won’t rat them out to Majestic. No, he means she should be trusted because she has a certain set of skills that make her really good at what she does. She did, ultimately, absolutely nothing. Okay, maybe she shot some guys when Robinson tried to kill her and Seagal. However, that’s basic defense stuff. This stuff Seagal said was about why she would be invaluable to this final mission to kill Aroon and anyone addicted to CTX.

There’s a hunt that takes place at this point. On one side, you have, of course, Seagal hunting Aroon. However, Aroon is also hunting the small squadron that Seagal leads. Maybe some of the better stuff in this movie is in this finale because at least there is this almost Resident Evil video game-style slowly moving through dark hallways and corridors and then someone jumps out and attacks. That’s not too bad.

It’s shot like shit, though. It’s edited fairly poorly with varying slow and regular motion along with flashes of white and negative exposure bullshit. At least the idea of the climax and its setup is… okay? Maybe?

Anyway, we’re down to three guys – Seagal, Dwayne, and a grunt named, I think, Naboo, but that’s a Star Wars planet, so, to mix our metaphor with Star Trek, we might as well call this guy Mr. Red Shirt because Seagal and Dwayne are totally the Kirk and Spock of this mission. Aroon jumps down to attack. This immediately leads Seagal to put away his gun because he’s got these blades that Tia gave him that should work well on people who are fucked up with CTX. I mean… Guns worked well earlier but whatevs, man. Anyway, Mr. Red Shirt is immediately launched into a wall way the fuck over there with a swift punch from Aroon right in the chest. Surprisingly, that guy survives that launch. Aroon tosses Dwayne through a brick wall and Seagal slashes Aroon with his blade and stabs him in the top of the head. He still needs to toss him around before Aroon finally decides to give up and fucking die.

Ugh… Fucking Christ, there’s still more left to this movie. Aroon was just basically a goon. The real bad is Vanna, who IMDb calls “Queen” but I distinctly know she’s been named Vanna and no one called her by her Royal name, so fuck you, IMDb, I’m calling her Vanna. Anyway, somehow Mr. Red Shirt gets in on the action hero shot of Seagal, Dwayne, and that guy facing off against Vanna. She offers him a chance to join her. Seagal calls her a bitch and orders Dwayne to watch the back door. The first guy to go up against her is Mr. Red Shirt. He gets fucked up but good. She apparently blasts him up against a brick wall and maybe he dies finally. Anyway, Dwayne wipes out a couple of Aroon’s guys while Seagal takes on the big bad Vanna himself in the silliest of slapfights ever.

He somehow gets the upper hand on her and slashes her across the chest with his blade thingy. She retreats briefly before facing off again for more Seagal slappy slaps. He eventually puts the blade in her head and kills her. However, Dwayne’s got it kind of bad. One guy busted up his leg real good. Another guy stabbed him with a blade right in the chest. He does eventually die after killing those two CTX guys. I keep wanting to call them vampires because they kind of act like vampires. Like, if you get addicted, you kind of all start to act like a group of like-minded monsters. That’s one thing that was never even asked or explained. Once you become a CTX-addicted killing machine, you never kill or even attack the people who are also CTX-addicted nor did any of them attack Aroon before he was addicted. Why’s that? I thought their desire to kill was too great to be reasoned with. Oh fuck it.

One good thing, I guess is that while Dwayne died, turns out Mr. Red Shirt lived! So… yay…? The movie comes to a conclusion with Seagal helping Mr. Red Shirt to his feet and to the car and they drive off.

This movie suuuuucks. It’s hard to make heads or tails of what’s going on and when. We don’t really know much about what was going on for a long time in this movie. It’s like the movie just wants idiots who want to watch Steven Seagal slap shit and carry guns and give no fucks about anything else to rent or buy this movie. No idea in this movie is fully baked. It’s got American military guys running around in France doing stuff independent of any jurisdiction or whatever. What they do in this final act is tantamount to an act of war by invading these people’s homes. So, maybe there was a kernel of an idea here, but, as I said, it never got baked to the point it could even turn into a piece of popcorn fluff.

But… There may actually be a reason for why this all feels so under-developed. In a way, I guess you can almost say it was over-tooled. The person who came up with the idea for this movie, Joe Halpin, initially called the script “Harvester” and intended this to be a horror/sci-fi movie that had Seagal and his gang fighting vampires from outer space. That would certainly explain why these addicted folks kind of acted more like a group of vampires than drug-addled super killers. It also would explain why, when Majesty rolled into that small town, some of the people were cowering and hiding in what appeared to be something like a tunnel or an abandoned warehouse like scared refugees and the ones that showed to be infected were mostly in their homes or alone.

So, the movie was actually SHOT that way according to Halpin and director Michael Keusch. When it was delivered to the distribution company for the film, they decided to reverse the plan to feature the horror, vampire, space alien, sci-fi element and change it up to this CTX drug thing. This then required reshoots and new dubbing on a lot of the dialog. Seagal, having not gotten along with Keusch, and not someone who would give two fucks to come back and do reshoots, was in the wind. So they had to find a guy who could dub his new dialog and sound, I guess, close enough even if he sounded a lot like Kurt Russell in the final product. That’s when the name Attack Force was pinned to the film.

That would kind of explain why this movie seemed utterly fucked from moment one. It comes through in reviews too with reviewers calling it unwatchable and pretty dang shoddy of a production. It really is. It’s hard to believe how fast and hard Seagal’s star fell after hitting the peak of his power and career about 10 years earlier.

That thing about the other version of this movie is maybe not even the most interesting bit of trivia around this movie. Supposedly, according to IMDb, Seagal retroactively dedicated his performance to a puppy he accidentally ran over in Arizona. That seems pretty crazy, doesn’t it? Well, it gets even nuttier.

According to several people, after each day of filming, Seagal would go to the catering buffet table and, in a Cajun accent, announce, “LAWD HAVE MERCY, Y’ALL ‘BOUT TO SEE A REAL ATTACK FORCE!”

I have no idea if either of those two last pieces of trivia around this movie is real, but god I hope so. I mean, that puppy story is really sad. That’s unfortunate. But, boy oh boy, do I want Steven Seagal to loudly announce bonkers shit each and every time I go to a Golden Corral. ESPECIALLY if he’s going to do that with a Cajun accent.

Let’s not forget Seagal is from Lansing… which is in Michigan… which is really far away from the Cajun region in the United States.

We put away the Attack Force, and look ahead to next week’s Steven Seagal entry. We go to 2007 and return stateside for one I’m positive will not make me want to cringe out of existence. Seagal will slappy fight his way into a gang war in Los Angeles in Urban Justice! Be sure to be here in one week’s time for that.

Before we finish this article, let’s look at the tally board for this week. Shockingly, we’ll see a goose egg, but I didn’t expect to see big numbers on that one until the back half of the month. But here we go on our little Seagal game.