Welcome to another week and another review here at B-Movie Enema.

Martial Arts… I’m not entirely sure exactly how popular they are for kids these days, but I’m of the age, being someone born in the late 70s, who knows how freaking massively popular the idea of having kids go to a karate dojo or some other martial arts studio and learn the act of either kicking someone’s ass into oblivion or knowing how to defend one’s self by way of kicking someone’s ass into oblivion was. The phenomenon of the general interest people had in martial arts had to come with the popularity of both Bruce Lee in the 60s and 70s and the entire action subgenre of the kung fu flicks coming from the East. By the mid to late 70s, martial arts were even more popular with the rising popularity of the American actor Chuck Norris. It wouldn’t take long for people to see a couple of uses for learning martial arts for themselves.

The first of these reasons centers around the general exercise and getting a little bit of a workout from doing the various gestures, the movements, and the mental workout of the sort of meditative state that could come from practicing the arts and doing the workouts. The second reason was more to give people some sort of ability to defend themselves if they were attacked by a crazed gang member or some sort of Middle Eastern terrorist that would generally roam the streets of every city, town, and village in the United States. Well, at least I was told by Chuck Norris and Cannon movies that these types of people could be lurking behind every tree and under every rock when I was a kid.

This week, we’re going to be punching deep into the 1994 film Black Belt Angels. Now, admittedly, I thought that title evoked something that would be something a little more like Ninja Cheerleaders that I covered many, many moons ago now. However, I was disappoin… I mean SURPRISED to find out this was a family film from co-writer and director Chi Kim. More on Kim and his co-writer in just a moment. This does sprinkle in something that I mentioned previously. If various martial arts were being taught to people for self-defense purposes, that usually means these studios were attractive to both bullied kids AND women who needed to be able to take care of themselves now that they could be working jobs that got them out of the safe zone of the suburban homelife.

It’s not that I’m really making a point to say that women were safer if they stayed home and remained in the kitchen. I may be from Indiana, but I don’t operate in the same mental spaces as two-thirds of my fellow Hoosiers do. No, I mean that with the rise of feminism, women were more independent. They were taking jobs and living on their own. They were often seen about town without a boyfriend or husband to grab onto or “feel” “protected” by. My point is more to say that there was a concept being sold to women on a similar basis as being sold to wimpy kids. There were dangers in every alley in the city or every hallway in school. You had better know how to take care of yourself.

In the 80s and into the 90s, it was easy to sell this concept to a target audience. Cartoons like G.I. Joe or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, among others, were watched by all sorts of kids. It was selling an idea of being a hero to the audience. The sad truth is that if you were a little too chubby or a little too quiet or a little too geeky, and you didn’t have many friends, you were easy pickings in the world of the educational jungle that was school. It would be a good idea for you to at least have some self-defense concepts under your (hopefully black) belt. This sense of becoming something more than just a geeky wallflower also played out in films like The Karate Kid, 3 Ninjas, and a few other direct-to-video movies for teen and pre-teen boys.

For women, the sad truth was that there WERE bad guys out there who might sexually harass a woman walking alone on the city street after a certain time. These guys might simply be muggers, but, at worse, they could be rapists. It would be a good idea for women to be able to defend themselves without needing to buy a gun and always have that with you to potentially cause an accident. Pepper spray? Okay, yeah, that could be handy, but maybe not as reliable as what you have on your body already – knees, feet, elbows, fists, and potentially the knowledge of how you could put someone on the ground simply using leverage.

So, to say that there was a market for martial arts in both film and in studios to practice it is a bit of an understatement. When it comes to Black Belt Angels, this certainly is not the first or last film to have martial arts-dealin’ girls. It’s not the first or last to be aimed specifically at a family audience. It’s definitely not the first or last to have a plot that has something to do with some eeeevil guy taking away someone’s Martial Arts Studio and his students or children seek revenge or, at the very least, for that eeeevil guy to get his comeuppance.

Now, Black Belt Angels comes to us from director Chi Kim. Kim also wrote the screenplay and has a shared story credit with Greg Mellott. Chi Kim is known for nothing else. This was the only film that Kim was ever credited for. Something like that really does come across that he maybe had this studio and wanted to make a movie that he could star in himself along with some students. I… don’t honestly know. Movies like Miami Connection make it very clear and obvious the guy behind the massive ego-stroke is the owner/operator of a martial arts studio. I’m not sure that’s the case here as Chi Kim does not also appear in the acting credits.

On the other hand, we have Greg Mellott in the writing credits. Mellott is credited as working with Kim on the story (not the screenplay). Mellot still works today. He won an Emmy for the TV documentary Dream No Little Dream: The Life and Legacy of Robert S. Kerr, a former governor and senator representing Oklahoma. Just a couple years ago, he was nominated for another Primetime Emmy for the documentary Sherwood Forest. It really looks like most of Mellott’s scripts were for films that would either be aired on TV or appear out of the blue on a video store shelf just waiting for some poor schmuck to rent it only to soon discover they have only seven days remaining.

There is one movie on Mellott’s resume I definitely know. That movie is 1997’s The Rage. Way back in the early days of the podcast Film Seizure (a show I co-host with a couple of buddies), my co-host Jason and I watched The Rage which was suggested to us by someone he worked with. I’m not sure about Jason, but my brain was broken by The Rage. I simultaneously wanted it to end because it was such a boilerplate action flick from the mid-90s AND I wanted it to never end because holy shit Gary Busey is unhinged in it. If you can get your hands on The Rage, I recommend you check it out, especially if you are a fan of this era of schlocky action flicks.

But, let’s get into Black Belt Angels, yes?

So I’m watching this on Amazon Prime. Interestingly, while everywhere else says Black Belt Angels is a family film, Amazon’s own internal rating system for their streaming content rates this for viewers 16 and over. I would like to think this is going to mean this movie has some more mature themes, but it’s probably just from all the kung fu fighting. I doubt it’s going to be any more intellectually stimulating than that.

During the opening credits, we are shown our four titular Black Belt Angels training on the beach. They’re doing various Tae Kwon Do moves and business. When each actress is shown, we get their skill level as a black belt. After the credits, we see them rollerblading (it is 1994 after all) along the beach. They spring into action when a group of four boys, also rollerblading (because 1994), snatches a woman’s purse. The youngest of the Black Belt Angels, Lupe, yells, “Let’s get ’em!” and leads the Black Belt Angels into a chase where they use bowling pins from a juggler to knock the boys over and reclaim the bag. I like that Lupe is angry that she didn’t get to throw a bowling pin, but she does kick the guy who had the purse when she reclaimed it.

I really hope the little Lupe is the most violent of them all.

Now, I pondered if the Amazon self-rating of 16+ might help give some maturity to this movie. Well, about four minutes into the movie, clearly that is not going to be the case. During the chase, the boys who stole the purse (who may or may not be Rollerblade Nazis) rolled right into a performance by a couple of black teens performing some street rap for… eh, mostly white extras? Anyway, as the Black Belt Angels roll back to return the purse to the lady it was stolen from, they come up with a theme rap for the Black Belt Angels and… wow. Yeah, it’s as cringey as you might think it is.

Now, I have to assume the Black Belt Angels returned the purse, after all, they are protecting the Earth from evil, y’all. But I don’t know. I don’t think it’s safe for me to make an ironclad assumption that they returned the purse to that lady. For the sake of argument, let’s just say they did indeed return that lady’s purse. I know we don’t actually see the exchange made, but I’ll give ’em the benefit of the doubt.

ANYway… We now go to the Tae Kwon Do studio where the Black Belt Angels study. Some things we learn from this scene include Master Robbins, the father of two of the Angels, Kirsten and Tracy, being into that meditative form of training like how it is important to remember certain tenets and stuff of the martial art of Tae Kwon Do. We also learn the place is called the Master Martial Arts School which is about as generic as it could possibly be named. We also know that Kirsten has a potential suitor who distracts her just after her own father says mastering the art means you have shut out all distractions.

One thing I can safely assume about the Master Martial Arts School is the same thing I can assume about all martial arts studios – it likely smells like curdled feet inside there.

When a trio of knuckleheads comes into the studio, ominous music begins to play, indicating these guys are our villains of the movie. The main, Mr. Lucero, knucklehead laughs at how Master Lee, the guy who actually owns the school, has rented some space out to a rock band. Matt, Master Robbins, says they’ve lost a lot of the tenants they used to rent studio space to. Mr. Lucero is kind of a confusing villain. He both says he wants the land and could make something out of it, but also calls the part of town it’s in a slum. So… What’s the story here, Lucero? Is this an appealing piece of real estate or is it a slum? I’m beginning to think he’s just a general bad guy and we need not worry about his exact motives and thoughts are.

So, yeah, this is a generic plot. Lucero wants the studio. Not only is Master Lee, the kindly old man who owns the school, trying to give a place for kids to go to learn martial arts, which includes teaching the Black Belt Angels literal ninja skills and compelling them to become honor students at school, but one of the main teachers at the school is two of the Black Belt Angels’ father. Lucero is a bad guy who likes money and pays goons to crack heads and deface the school. And these goons are generally bullies too, who just want to shut down the school for Lucero and don’t care about engaging in fistfights with teenage girls.

After the Black Belt Angels kick Lucero’s guys’ asses, Lucero goes outside the city to find another martial arts master who trains ninjas. Lucero wants this guy’s ninjas to beat up Matt, but ninjas aren’t this guy’s only problem. When Matt defends himself from a ninja at the school, he is also approached by a social worker named Julie Morgan, played by 1992 Miss USA, Shannon Marketic. Matt’s wife, and the mother of Tracy and Kirsten, left and never came back. Julie thinks he isn’t a suitable father because of his wife disappearing on them, and, I guess, his involvement in martial arts.

While Julie interviews the girls about their home life, the ninjas strike at Matt by hitting him with a drugged dart that makes him come off as drunk to Julie. He also inappropriately hits on her and takes the pins out of her so it falls down to make her sexier. Also, ninjas attack a drunken Master Lee who defeats them with some good old fashioned drunken-style kung fu.

At least when Julie takes Matt to Master Lee’s place, she tells the old karate super master that he was struck by drugged dart. While Matt is being cared for by Lee, he starts having a ‘Nam flashback, because of course there’s a Vietnam element to this movie. So, get this… Matt’s best friend in Vietnam, named Morgan, turns out to be Julie’s dead brother. Not only that, she also received a letter from her brother while he was overseas that had a picture of him with Matt and her brother telling her how great this guy is. So I guess she’s in love with him because her big brother told her he was a cool dude.

Speaking of love, we have puppy love between Kirsten and that boy who distracted her during class that one day. He’s one of the rock band kids who is renting some space at the studio. This guy, who I think is named Garth, says his band needs to find a new place to rent. Why? Well, he reveals to Kirsten that the building the school is in is going up on the auction block in only six days.

And enter standard family 80s/90s plotline #27… Garth and Kirsten have an idea to save the place. They can throw a concert with Garth’s band and then have a martial arts demonstration. It’s a classic “Save the Community Center” type of idea. Everybody pays a few bucks to come in. They get a pretty cool teen rock band show. And if they like the martial arts on display, maybe they get some new signups for classes.

Also, I was absolutely right… Because of a letter 20 years ago from her dead brother, Julie is, indeed, in love with Matt. So much so, that she doesn’t just show up at the “Save the School” party dressed all hot and sexy. Oh no. She is here to also tell Matt that she is professionally corrupt because she called off her investigation into whether or not he has a suitable home for his daughters and closed the books on that.

I guess all she needed was to have her dead brother tell her 20 years ago that Matt is a cool dude and will make her lady bits feel real good because the ghost of her brother killed in a war we shouldn’t have been involved in told her so.

To be fair… Apparently, Lucero was the one who was putting in complaints about Matt. It wasn’t until she thought back to her dead brother’s letter about Matt that she looked into whether or not there were shenanigans behind this guy being called a dickhead dad. I still like to think that she’s corrupt because her dead brother said she should totally bang his best ‘Nam buddy.

Alright, so here we are, halfway through the movie. The school is saved from ticket sales and new signups for the martial arts classes. This is also going to become a dance hall for kids around the community. Matt also talks to Julie about why he didn’t come to see her or her parents after her brother was killed. He says he didn’t want to cause any more pain and suffering for them. She just figured her brother’s best bud Matt died along with him. But… Wait. Didn’t her brother tell him his full name? Wouldn’t she have some idea that this guy she’s investigating is named Matt Robbins… JUST like her brother’s best Vietnam friend? Couldn’t she also look into what is publicly available about Matt to find out he is a vet? She’s had a picture of this guy for 20 frickin’ years. She sees him and doesn’t for a second think, “Hey, this guy looks kinda familiar.”

Hmmm… I’m starting to think this movie is bullshit.

Speaking of some bullshit… The movie suddenly remembers that it revealed that the school was saved only 39 minutes into a 78-minute movie. There’s still half a flick to go! Uh… What to do what to do what to do… Oh! Let’s have Lucero just flat-out resort to extortion.

Yeah, that’s what he does. He has, somehow, kidnapped Master Lee. He calls Matt and says he’s got Lee and if he ever wants to see him alive again, he better bring him the deed to Lee’s studio by noon. Lucero is either incredibly stupid, incredibly confident, or incredibly well-protected. He can’t be anything else because Matt should just immediately call the police and say he’s being extorted by a guy who brings such villain energy that Roger Stone would blush.

Okay, sure… he says he will feed Lee to the sharks if he brings in the cops. Buuuut… Let’s think about this for a second. Why not call the police, explain everything to them, and let them figure out a way to ambush Lucero before he dumps Lee’s body into the ocean to feed the sharks? I mean, Lee is totally getting killed one way or another because Lee can go to the authorities and say he was coerced by Lucero to hand over the building.

I’m no longer thinking this movie might be bullshit. It IS bullshit.

Upon finding the deed at Lee’s house, Matt discovers Master Lee signed the property over to him. Matt decides to fight to get Lee back while the girls bury the deed in their backyard. To get Master Lee back, the Black Belt Angels dress up in their superhero costumes that look like the American flag puked all over a white jumpsuit. They also get Garth’s band to load up a bunch of Super Soakers with water mixed with a shit ton of Tobasco sauce and pepper. Even Julie dresses up in a leathery jumpsuit to get in on the action.

I should point out that Shawna, one of the Black Belt Angels, is nowhere to be seen. Apparently, she was either not at home, or she just wasn’t answering the phone. It’s more likely the girl who played Shawna was not available that day for filming. So… She’s just not here when most of the action gets started. That’s always a funny thing that happens in these types of ultra-low budget movies made without professional actors.

Okay, so one thing that done earlier in the movie was that the evil ninja master sent one of his students to Master Lee’s school as a spy. He watched as the girls buried the deed to the school in their backyard. So he was able to recover it. Now, here’s the thing… What’s the timeline of this movie? Matt tells Lee that the kid has been in their school for the last couple of months. Has everything happening before this moment his treachery was revealed been happening over the course of months? Lucero didn’t hire the ninjas until it was obvious that Lee and Matt were not going to cave into his demands. So does the ninja dude just plant his students around all the dojos, you know, just in case?

The bullshit factor of this movie is rising.

So, yeah, this spy, Dean, reveals himself as being a mole to Tracy and wants to take her one-on-one for kung fu supremacy or something. He tells her that as a ninja he doesn’t question anything, he just does what he’s told to do. You know, as ninjas do. Tracy tells him that he’s not some robot, he’s a teenager who can still determine what’s right and wrong. He ponders this as Lupe finds Tracy and they head off to Lucero’s base.

And, hey, Shawna happens to run into the two of them too somewhere in between shooting on Tuesday and filming on Wednesday because now she’s aware that she’s needed for the big climatic fight against Lucero.

Julie creates a diversion for the Black Belt Angels and Garth’s band so they can get into the base. She does this because of that really key thing I mentioned earlier in the review about how much of an avid collector of radio-controlled cars she is. In fact, she even talked about how excited she was when she added a police car with realistic sirens in it. That makes for a perfect distract… Wait, what do you mean I didn’t mention that earlier? Oh yeah… That’s right. The movie said nothing of Julie’s passion for the hobby of R/C cars. For real, she has these R/C cars to create the distraction and Lupe talks about how it must be Julie’s cars and how she added a new one.

I mean… I could get mad about this because the whole thing about the spy and how long he was a student at Lee’s school. Or I could get infuriated with the out-of-the-blue inclusion of Julie’s love of R/C cars. But more than anything, it’s just kind of quaint. This is a dumb kids’ movie. No, for real, I’m sure dumb kids were the target audience. But it is also a dumb, kids’ movie. More on that when I wrap things up.

Lucero orders Matt and Lee to be taken to his yacht where he plans to dump them in the ocean. His sexy, air-headed secretary, Sheila, suddenly realizes that her boss might just be a really bad dude. Just then the Black Belt Ninjas and the band bust in to fight the ninjas and save Lee. It should not be a surprise the Black Belt Angles kick the shit out of the ninjas.

I can hear it now… Legions of shitbag YouTube channels complaining about these four teenage girls defeating an army of ninjas by themselves. I mean, those channels are dying because they sell nothing new but the same old hate for 2016 Ghostbusters or The Last Jedi. Maybe they should diversify and give this movie a try and complain about the woke DEI girls doing karate at an expert level without seeing every moment of their extensive training.

I digress.

Grand Master Lee and the girls chase after Lucero who still has Matt captive. They get a little bit of extra help with the ninjas when Dean arrives to show he is on Tracy’s side. To end this battle, Lee challenges the evil ninja master, who I just discovered is named RAD (and I believe he might be the dad to the actress who plays Lupe). Rad thinks he can easily take this old man who he doesn’t think can fight anymore. But, I mean… Come on. This is a movie that needs to have a happy ending. Very clearly Master Lee is going to fuck this younger ninja master up, right?

Well, at first, you think Rad has won with a powerful monster kick (I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any kicks or punches). Master Lee gets back up and gets back into the fight. Lee eventually wins the fight but Lucero leaves on his yacht anyway. You know, because he’s a bad guy, and he cheats. Kirsten and Julie chase after the boat realizing it will go under a nearby bridge. Kirsten jumps down onto the boat, fights off the ninjas on the boat, and frees her father.

So, yeah, just like that… Lucero is defeated.

Alright… Black Belt Angels. This movie is definitely high-grade bullshit. It’s cringey. It’s poorly written. It’s not exactly well-acted. I made brief mention that it’s very clear this movie is not made with professional actors. I also mentioned this was the only film made by director Chi Kim. It’s clearly not a professional production. A vast majority of the people with speaking roles in this movie have this listed as either the only thing they ever acted in or the only film they acted in. These are all things that add up to a pretty damn bad movie.

THAT SAID… I do have a couple of things I want to give some positive words on. The first is that, generally, this movie is fairly well-directed in the fight scenes specifically. Those are always well-framed and nicely paced and edited. When this movie gets into the actual fighting bits with ninjas and the Black Belt Angels and so on, I had no notes or complaints. The second thing, and maybe the most important thing I actually do appreciate in this movie, the four girls playing the Black Belt Angels, Shawna Larson (Kirsten), Rebekah Bartlett (Tracy), Nicole Burks (Shawna), and Ka’imi Kuoha (Lupe), all seemed to both be fairly talented with martial arts and seemingly were involved in their own stunts, at least when it came to the fight choreography.

In particular, Shawna Larson and Rebekah Bartlett seemed to be very talented in fighting. Larson had a little more showcasing her abilities, particularly her speed. There was one scene in particular in which she was practicing some kicks and she had incredible speed and height on her kicks. I was impressed. Bartlett had a scene with Dean, played by Michael Baldoz, where I felt she too had some pretty good skills. So I definitely give it to the four Angels for seemingly being very talented martial artists. In fact, today, Ka’imi Kuoha (whose father Sam played Rad), is still quite involved with martial arts and has published books with her father about the technique of Chinese Kara-Ho Kempo. I could see a 13-year-old girl in 1994 who is maybe a little tomboyish or interested in martial arts really liking this movie. In fact, it may have appealed to some boys too – at least of a certain age where they were more into the good vs. bad element and not old enough for the cringe factor to mess it up for them.

This movie was pretty bad, but I’m not sorry to have seen it. I can’t be all that mad about a movie obviously made for people 35 years younger than me and of a different gender to boot. I can at least say that some of the actual fighting and stunt work done with the actresses themselves does help this movie not completely drown under its own bullshit. But next week, we’re going to talk about a truly bonkers film. We’re going to the East for a kaiju film written, starring, and directed by Hitoshi Matsumoto. Come back to see what I have to say about 2007’s Big Man Japan.