Fuck this movie right in the ball sack.
No. Â No, I suppose I should try to be professional about this. Â I shouldn’t just leave it with the incredibly aggressive opening salvo I gave this article. Â Instead I should try to be a little more grown up about it.
Have sexual intercourse with this motion picture unto its testicle bag, also know as its scrotum. Continue reading “King Kong Lives (1986)” →
It’s time to dive into some Andy Sidaris. Â And by “dive into some Andy Sidaris”, I pretty much mean to motorboat the shit out of its tits.
What can I say about Andy Sidaris and his movies? Â Well, they usually feature stacked blondes. Â They are, in some sort of way, connected in a shared universe. Â Malibu Express kicks off the “L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies” series that would continue for 11 more movies. Â Each of these movies, except for this one, would see at least one recurring character come along to help out the crew of government lady agents. Continue reading “Malibu Express (1985)” →
A million lights are dancing and there you are… Â A shooting turd out of Hollywood’s hairy ass.
In 1980, rollerskating and Grease fucked each other, and, thanks to cocaine causing neither to use appropriate protection and the VD captured from the slutty muses Grease would fuck on the side, the resulting monster child that came about was Xanadu.
While this movie is an abomination that needed to be aborted before it was birthed, it creates a bit of a conflict with me. Â You see… *sigh* I don’t want to admit too much here… I have a real soft spot for this movie. Â Maybe even to the point that I kinda like this movie a lot. Continue reading “Xanadu (1980)” →
I asked you to vote on a movie for me to watch. Â 1982’s Blood Tide won. Â Well, it won in so much as you had better fuckin’ believe I was going to cover White Comanche anyway (how could I not with William Shatner playing two roles). Â So I decided Blood Tide, also known as Bloodtide, also known as Demon Island, was going to win.
Additionally, I kinda hate those of you who voted for this.
This flick has some recognizable people in it. Â James Earl Jones, Jose Ferrer, Mary-Louise Weller (from Animal House), Martin Kove (who is usually a dick in his movies), Deborah Shelton (from Dallas), and Lydia Cornell (from Too Close for Comfort). Â So it’s kinda bringing some star power to the table. Â Maybe more than this blog is accustomed to, but still. Â Darth Vader is in this movie as is a guy from Dracula’s Dog (Ferrer)! Continue reading “Blood Tide (1982)” →
Welcome back to B-Movie Enema. Â Your weekly dose of bad movies, and sweet baby Jesus, do we have what will sure be a doozy. Â Not only are we jumping back into the Cannon Films library, but we’re going to be looking at a Chuck Norris classic.
Not just any Chuck Norris classic, either… Â The mother of all Chuck Norris classics – The Delta Force.
In the mid 1980s, we were in a pretty interesting time. Â The Cold War was starting to slow down a bit as the USSR had a leader who was no longer seemingly interested in being our enemy. Â The Monkees were celebrating their 20th anniversary. Â Ronald Reagan was in charge and patriotism seemed to be at an all time high. Continue reading “The Delta Force (1986)” →
Finally! Â Cannon Films arrives to an appointment for a B-Movie Enema! Â Let us rejoice!
So yes, this blog is all about the little movies. Â Those that get forgotten because they weren’t as big budget as Star Wars, or as classic as Casablanca, or as divisive among the sexes like Titanic (and, trust me, all the dudes LOVE Titanic). Â Then we get the 80s powerhouse studio, Cannon Films, and they kinda blow the lid off of what truly is a B-movie.
They would produce big time action movies like Delta Force, or spend tons of money on a single star like Sylvester Stallone. Â They make sci-fi movies with a huge scope like Lifeforce or Masters of the Universe. Â Or grand adventures like today’s film, King Solomon’s Mines. Continue reading “King Solomon’s Mines (1985)” →
Already the third film featured from Crown International Pictures in just the first eight B-Movie Enemas, 1986’s Low Blow delivers some action.
I can only say some action because either this is a horrible failure of an action flick or it’s the most brilliant movie ever made to never be seen. I’ll explain during the course of this near pornographic examination of this flick.
We’ll get to the synopsis momentarily. I have to say that Mr. Low Blow here to our left is NOT our action star. He’s not even a supporting character. He does have a ridiculous arm as if Rob Liefeld (where my comic nerds at, yo?) got hired to totally fuck up the proportions of the man’s head to torso to forearm to fist ratio. Continue reading “Low Blow (1986)” →
Happy Halloween!
When I first thought about what it would be that I would watch for the Halloween edition of B-Movie Enema, I had some classics.  I thought about something classic like The Creature from the Black Lagoon or The Giant Claw.  I even thought about doing one of the Friday the 13th movies.
But then, I was all like, “Fuck it… Â Oasis of the Zombies.”
Here we have a French production about some treasure hunters in a film by Jesus Franco. Â It’s got Nazi zombies, so how can it be bad? Â (That’s not me setting up the fact that it’s likely bad. Â I’m being serious, how bad can a movie featuring Nazi zombies be bad???) Continue reading “Oasis of the Zombies (1981)” →
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