Category: 1980s

Killer Party (1986)

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Okay, maybe I overreached last week.  Mystics in Bali… Really?  Why did I pick a movie that was utterly nonsensical to the point of absurdity and something hardly anyone has seen?

Oh yeah, the floating head that sucked babies out of vaginas.

Let’s get back to something a little safer and a lot more fun.  After all, what’s better than a slasher film for Friday the 13th?  I will say, typing that felt weird.  It’s like maybe I should be talking about something else.  Hmmm.  Oh I dunno, I’m sure whatever that nagging sensation I’m feeling is just a buncha hooey.

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Mystics in Bali (1981)

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Happy fuckin’ New Year, assholes!

We’re slamming straight into the new year, full speed ahead with a peculiar little Indonesian treat, Mystics in Bali.

The 1981 film was originally banned in its home country, but eventually found its way onto some black market VHS tapes.  With the 21st century and the internet, word of this fucking weird ass movie spread through the b-movie and cult subculture until it was finally given proper releases.

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Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984)

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Happy Thanksgiving, jerkwads!

With today being the official start to the mad dash to the finish line that is the Christmas shopping season, I figured I’d feature a Christmas themed movie to celebrate the occasion.  I will admit that I pretty much did not want to do anything Christmas themed for December because there are a LOT of bad Christmas movies out there – none of which I want to watch.

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Firewalker (1986)

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Whoa-ho boy.  It’s been far too long since I last talked about a Cannon Films/Chuck Norris action flick, and I think now’s as good a time as any to revisit the 80s’ greatest hero.

For this week, I decided to cover the one Chuck Norris movie I’ve seen more than any other – Firewalker.  When I was a kid, this movie was on HBO or some other cable channel ALL THE TIME.  It’s just a good old fashioned Chuck Norris flick that tries so hard to be Indiana Jones.  Also Academy Award Winner Lou Gossett is there too.  And Melody Anderson who I think almost every guy my age had a crush on, thanks in no small part to Flash Gordon.

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King Kong Lives (1986)

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Fuck this movie right in the ball sack.

No.  No, I suppose I should try to be professional about this.  I shouldn’t just leave it with the incredibly aggressive opening salvo I gave this article.  Instead I should try to be a little more grown up about it.

Have sexual intercourse with this motion picture unto its testicle bag, also know as its scrotum.

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Malibu Express (1985)

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It’s time to dive into some Andy Sidaris.  And by “dive into some Andy Sidaris”, I pretty much mean to motorboat the shit out of its tits.

What can I say about Andy Sidaris and his movies?  Well, they usually feature stacked blondes.  They are, in some sort of way, connected in a shared universe.  Malibu Express kicks off the “L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies” series that would continue for 11 more movies.  Each of these movies, except for this one, would see at least one recurring character come along to help out the crew of government lady agents.

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Xanadu (1980)

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A million lights are dancing and there you are…  A shooting turd out of Hollywood’s hairy ass.

In 1980, rollerskating and Grease fucked each other, and, thanks to cocaine causing neither to use appropriate protection and the VD captured from the slutty muses Grease would fuck on the side, the resulting monster child that came about was Xanadu.

While this movie is an abomination that needed to be aborted before it was birthed, it creates a bit of a conflict with me.  You see… *sigh* I don’t want to admit too much here… I have a real soft spot for this movie.  Maybe even to the point that I kinda like this movie a lot.

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Blood Tide (1982)

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I asked you to vote on a movie for me to watch.  1982’s Blood Tide won.  Well, it won in so much as you had better fuckin’ believe I was going to cover White Comanche anyway (how could I not with William Shatner playing two roles).  So I decided Blood Tide, also known as Bloodtide, also known as Demon Island, was going to win.

Additionally, I kinda hate those of you who voted for this.

This flick has some recognizable people in it.  James Earl Jones, Jose Ferrer, Mary-Louise Weller (from Animal House), Martin Kove (who is usually a dick in his movies), Deborah Shelton (from Dallas), and Lydia Cornell (from Too Close for Comfort).  So it’s kinda bringing some star power to the table.  Maybe more than this blog is accustomed to, but still.  Darth Vader is in this movie as is a guy from Dracula’s Dog (Ferrer)!

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