Tag: science fiction

My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)

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So here’s another movie I watched a whole bunch between 1989 and about 1991.

In the late 80s and early 90s, I was hitting puberty pretty much like Mark McGwire would hit dingers – hard and fast.  During this time, I would find movies and TV shows as sources of my adolescent crushes.  I don’t think we need to revisit my damn near stalker-level love of both Alyssa Milano and Phoebe Cates.  I think we’ve covered that quite a bit.  Last week, you learned that I was hot in my britches for Teri Copely.  There were two other ladies that hit the scene in 1989 that I wanted to see whatever I could – Kim Basinger and the cat lady from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. Continue reading “My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)” →

Rollerball (1975)

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The 1970s were so fucking cool.  If I was somehow able to, I’d have raunchy back alley sex with the entire decade.  Sure, there’d be a lot of pubic hair, chest hair, and medallions, but goddammit I’d be one satisfied weirdo.

And I can say all that for two reasons.  1) I am a weirdo so I might as well be a satisfied one.  2) I was born in the 70s.  Like with a few years to spare too.  It wasn’t like I was born on December 30, 1979, I was born in February of 1977.  So I existed in the decade I want to make dirty, dirty love to. Continue reading “Rollerball (1975)” →

Masters of the Universe (1987)

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Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned that this might be one of the very worst span of four weeks during one summer movie slate ever?  It started with July’s Jaws: The Revenge and Superman IV: The Quest of Peace, and now ends with one of the more spectacular Cannon Films failures, Masters of the Universe.

The origin of how this movie came about takes root from the Mattel smash toy hit of the same name.  Trust me, when I was little, everyone had He-Man toys.  We’d walk around and ask each other if they want to play “He-Mans” and usually had our figures in tow at all times.  We fucking loved this shit.  What’s funny is that the toys were super cheaply made.  For the most part, every figure had the same overly muscular body spray-painted different colors with different heads and different accessories or attachments.  When you have a bunch of of the very same body for every male figure, it makes production costs quite a bit lower and gives you much more of a profit when these things sold like crazy hotcakes. Continue reading “Masters of the Universe (1987)” →

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

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What’s this?  Another utterly disappointing fourth film in a franchise to be released in July of 1987?  You bet it is!

In a span of four weeks in the middle of the summer of 1987, moviegoers had to be subjected to Jaws: The Revenge from Universal, this week’s feature, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Masters of the Universe.  The latter two being massively popular intellectual properties for young kids – both released by Cannon Films.

That’s fucking depressing to know that much shit flew out of screens into your face in such a short period of time. Continue reading “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)” →

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

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Earlier this summer, Spider-Man 3 turned 10 years old.  It’s really odd to think about that.  The third of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man Trilogy is only 10 years old.

Since the release of this movie, ALL of the Avengers movies have been released – among all the other outlying Marvel movies.  DC has now created four movies in their own expanded universe.  There have been 7 X-Men movies – including an entire trilogy of Wolverine movies and a completely rebooted X-Men series.

And as of today, Spider-Man himself has been rebooted twice. Continue reading “Spider-Man 3 (2007)” →

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)

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45 years ago today, the fourth of the Planet of the Apes movies was released to theaters – Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

By this point, 20th Century Fox knew they had a marketable franchise.  They hit it big in 1968 with the original Planet of the Apes that created a world where apes were king and men were not much more than beasts of burden.  There are three main things remembered from the first film: 1) the original reveal of the gorillas hunting down humans in a cornfield, 2) “Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”, and 3) the end reveal that Taylor (Charlton Heston) had only time traveled to the future of Earth and not to a distant planet. Continue reading “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)” →

Megaforce (1982)

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Ah Megaforce.  What took me so long to come around to you?

I think I probably subconsciously waited for this exact moment – to commemorate Megaforce’s 35th anniversary of release.  There’s a bit of insanity surrounding this masterful piece of cinematic art.  First, you probably didn’t know that it has a deep connection to another 1982 classic sci-fi movie – Blade Runner.  Yeah.  There was a film company in Hong Kong who put together the funding for MegaForce, Blade Runner, and two other films to hopefully breakthrough in the United States.  All of them were box office failures (well…  technically High Road to China was not a failure, just forgotten). Continue reading “Megaforce (1982)” →

Independents’ Day (2016)

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The Asylum Month thankfully comes to a close as we look at another dumb titled movie that is meant to capitalize off dumb fuckshit people willing to rent absolutely anything from Family Video to dumb down their fuckface brains and think they “done seen that one movie that came out last week at the video store!”

Fuck.  I’m angry.  The world is shit.  Everything good and right in this world sucks donkey balls.  The Asylum has sucked the soul out of me.  I’m not exactly sure how to go on after a month of giant spiders fighting army chicks, a shitty Sherlock Holmes, and the worst fucking movie I’ve ever laid eyes on.  Now this.  Now this dumb fucking movie with a dumb fucking title… Continue reading “Independents’ Day (2016)” →