As promised last week, our new B-Movie Enema article features three returning figures of recent BME importance – Candice Rialson, Barbara Peeters, and Roger Corman.

I figured, “You  know, it’s summertime, and young ladies are probably trying to figure some stuff out and maybe helping teach summer school. They are probably also wearing short shorts.  Some unfortunate kids are probably stuck in summer school.  So let’s do a feature that incorporates all that!”

So here we are – Summer School Teachers!  By the look of the poster, the knowledge of how popular this movie was and (relatively) well received, and Candice Rialson (plus other hot ladies), I don’t think it takes a math whiz to know this movie is probably going to be so far up my alley that…  Well, I don’t know how to finish that sentence.  Suffice it to say, this movie is gonna be just what the doctor ordered.

It’s a pretty simple premise too – three friends from Iowa go out to California, rent an apartment together and teach at a local high school.  They have some sexy fun with guys.  They uncover a money scheme.  One coaches an all-girl football team.  Shenanigans!

With that, I think I hear the bell ringing, so let’s get to class and learn about some sexy summer school teachers!

This movie really knows what it’s doing because the very first human being we see on screen is Candice Rialson.  I mean, if you’re going to open a movie, I think it’s best to make sure you show the most drop dead gorgeous woman in the movie.  Her family takes her to the bus station where she meets her friends Sally (Pat Thompson) and Denise (Rhonda Leigh Hopkins).  They say their heartfelt goodbyes to their families and board a bus for California.

First thing’s first – they get an apartment that overlooks the pool.  Next up, they report to the school for their first day.  Conklin (Rialson) is teaching phys. ed., I mean…  Right?  Denise teaches applied chemistry and Sally teaches art.  We also meet Sam, the school’s coach played by Corman regular Dick Miller (Mr. Futterman in Gremlins).

But fuck all that…  It’s time for Conklin to teach some sweaty, sexy physical education!  She shows off her skills running the tire drill.  She inspires the girls to play football by telling them California is the only state that has competition football for girls and it could be a shortcut for them to get into college and get the attention of men (the second part is how she really convinces the boy crazy girls).  Surprise, this is going to be one of the bigger plot points in the entire movie.

Elsewhere, Denise has some troubles with the kids in her chemistry class when she get some backtalk from Jeremy, a delinquent with an issue with authority.  Sally has better luck with her students as she helps explain how nudy pictures in Playboy are hardly obscene.  She pontificates about how it’s about the context of the image.  She also catches the eye of a male teacher, Bob, who is a bit of a chauvinist.

Now, here’s a little bit about Sally that becomes another plot point of the movie.  She’s engaged to be married to her sweetheart back home in Iowa.  Yet, she’s much more interested in meeting celebrities out in California.  In fact, she turns down Bob for a date mostly because she’d rather date a movie star…  Despite being engaged.  At the supermarket, she has a literal run-in with a movie star who is trying to keep his identity quiet, but also keeps following her around the store and imagining what her naked boobs look like when she’s checking out grapefruits and getting teased by the intercom announcing specials on succulent melons and honeydews as well as chicken breasts.  It’s when she handles a bunch of bananas that he goes nuts and asks her to come over for dinner and a hot fuck sesh.

As an aside, the guy who plays actor John John Lacey is Michael Greer.  Greer was the leading man in one of the very best movies ever covered here on B-Movie Enema waaaaay back in 2014 – Messiah of Evil.  If you’ve never seen it, get off your asses and watch it right now.  No, for real.  Go.  Watch it!  I’ll wait for you…

Welcome back!  That’s a fucking awesome movie, right?

Anyway, Conklin has a little trouble getting the girls football team to fly with the school.  Some favor it.  Some are vehemently against it.  She and Coach Sam have a heated debate over the ability of girls being able to play the sport over the grounds that girls were never seen on the front lines in war.  If Conklin can whip the girls into shape not just to qualify for a big game in nine weeks, but if they can win, the school will add football to the regular list of activities all year round.

Denise goes to the local hangout to try to understand her students more.  She makes herself up more like one of the young people who hang out at the burger joint.  One could say that it’s her trying to go undercover to learn more.  However, she’s a little into the delinquent with the authority issue from her class.  Thus, we have our third subplot of the movie – Denise is going to be the teacher who is going to end up on Dateline NBC some Friday night for balling one of her students.

When Jeremy shows up at the batting cage next to the burger joint, some former associates of his hassle him about being with them in a fairly straightforward business deal.  These guys want to bring him in on some stuff that will surely net them lots of profits and/or assets.  Nah, just kidding.  They are punks and he has to fight his way out of this discussion.  He starts fighting them off with a baseball bat, but he gets cut when one of them brings a knife to a bat fight.  Denise helps him to his car so he can get that cut looked at.

Meanwhile, Sally is at John John’s for dinner.  Turns out he’s kind of a freak with food.  He also has two nosy neighbor ladies who like to listen in on his dates.  This, of course, leads to all sorts of hilarious situations where they think he’s talking about other things than his meat and sauce.  She leaves in a hurry when he spills his hot sauce all over her dress.

Denise gets a little closer to Jeremy, and Sally confides in Bob about her weird date with John John.  She turns him down again for a date (even going so far as to call him a retard and then, just for good measure, accuses him of probably having a tiny dick), but she accidentally drops a brochure for a dating service that he picks up and looks over.

At football practice, Conklin gets the girls in gear with one apparently a pretty legit good wide receiver.  She catches a long pass and exclaims, “Shit!  Just call me O.J.!”  After being enraged by being gang tackled by all the girls, she ends up slicing their throats and hires Robert Kardashian and writes a book and constantly plays golf.  So, I’ll go ahead and call her O.J.

Jeremy is accused of stealing pieces off cars all over the school.  That even leads to the brakes stolen off a car that is being driven by two students who end up in a terrible accident!  The principal suspends Jeremy until further proof that he’s not to blame.  Denise defends him, but it draws attention to how she seems to be engaging in an unprofessional relationship with him.  She denies it, angrily, and storms out of the office.

On the weekend, Conklin goes on a hike and picnic date with nerdy Jeff.  Jeff is a blogger who spends most of his time alone or home with his cats.  He’s kinda into girls like Candice Rialson what with her talking vagina and her ability to coach football.  He is shy and kind of an introvert…

Wait.  That’s Jeff, not Geoff.  Shit.  I just typed all that shit I was daydreaming.  Oh fuck it.  I’ll just tell my guy friends that I totally got some strange off Conklin.

The entire subplot about the girls football stuff is surprisingly very progressive for a 1974 exploitation movie.  Sure Rialson is pretty and we just saw her boobs in the previous scene, but her fighting for either equipment she can barrow from the boys team or for money to buy their own stuff is legitimately well written and acted.  It’s a believable plot for even the current era let alone for what would have likely been even more ridiculous to be suggested 45 years ago.  It is actually somewhat true that Roger Corman would typically hire whatever director he felt would get the job done – male or female.  He was exceptionally progressive despite some questionable plots in movies.  Writer/director Barbara Peeters was a beneficiary of that attitude.  On top of that, despite Roger being heavily involved with the production, it was his wife Julie that was credited for producing the movie.  So…  This is a movie about girls made by women.  It not only highlights some of the women’s lib movement, but also some realistic scenarios and pitfalls younger women away from home for the first time might stumble into.  Good on them.

Denise goes to speak to Jeremy wearing a super hot plaid shirt tied above her navel.  I guess Jeremy is into that too because they have a sex scene shot like some sort of super experimental artsy porno full of tenderness.

Bob ultimately pulls a prank on Sally and pretends that the dating service from the brochure he found of hers picked him to be her perfect date.  He shows up and convinces her to let him take her out once and she’ll see he’s not such a bad guy.

So he takes her to the red light district and tries to take her to a porno theater before they end up at what seems to be a nightclub for music, but turns out to be a burlesque show.  She agrees to see “his side of California” if only they leave the show immediately.  Just when you think he’s going to take her to a donkey show the next day, they actually go do super cool shit like go cart racing and check out a dirt bike race and hang with some hippies playing music in a park.  They finish the day on the beach.  Then he convinces her to take nude photographs.

Wait…  What?

Well, I should also probably make sure to point out that Sally leaves Bob’s place mad because when she asked him to pose for her, he declined saying that’s just not something us guys do.  It’s probably because he has a tiny dick.

Conklin discovers that Coach Sam is paying players for each touchdown the boys score.  He ultimately spent the $200 she asked the school for to buy equipment for her team.  One of her players is the quarterback’s girlfriend.  She’s got the lowdown and Conklin asks her to help get some solid proof.  Conklin also comes onto Coach Sam so she can get him drunk and get his keys to help the team uncover the scheme.

Sally ends up getting Bob back by taking lots of stealthy pictures of Bob and pastes his face on a bunch of male and female bodies.  She then invites a bunch of people over to have a laugh at Bob’s expense.  Due to some naked pictures that show up in a magazine, Sally gets suspended (so does Bob but I’m not entirely sure why).  Conklin gets suspended for her antics with Sam as well.  Denise is in trouble for having contact with Jeremy who now has a warrant out for his arrest.

This part is kind of fuzzy to me, but Jeremy is onto a plot by some of the people he used to run around with before he went away to juvie.  It turns out the guys he was in tight with is stealing parts from cars as part of some sort of money scheme headed up by the head of the school board (who is also the head of an insurance company).  Whatever the scheme was, Jeremy figured it out, and now the big bad guy wants him killed so he doesn’t squeal.  Denise discovers where he is and finds the guys who jumped him earlier.  Jeremy is able to escape the third guy and he takes off in a dune buggy.  In the end, Denise and Jeremy come back with one of the gang members to spill the whole deal.

Sally’s students, as well as feminists, nudists, and other special interest groups protest for her to be reinstated despite the magazine pictures.  Conklin, with the help of her giant brothers, forces her way onto the football field to lead her team to victory.  The cops show up because they had room in the budget for cop costumes and, goddammit, they are going to use it!  A big fight breaks out in the football game and everything goes fucking nuts.  It’s just a good ol’ brawl and it looks like everyone is just having a grand time.

And that’s how it ends…  With a giant fight of people tossing each other around, a dog running around the field, people tackling each other, and I think some of the lady football players were throwing cunt punches.  I know you think you have a better way to end a movie called Summer School Teachers, but I’m here to tell ya…  You don’t.

You simply don’t.

This is a strange movie.  It’s not as adult as its R-rating really suggests.  Yes, yes, there are a handful of topless moments so yes, it is definitely an R-rated movie.  However, it’s also kind of easy breezy.  It has comedy in it, a little action, hot ladies, and pro-feminist angles that would appeal to a wide audience.  And here’s the thing…  After watching Chatterbox last week, looking at this movie’s poster, and what’s coming next week, I really thought this was going to be a lot more sultry and not nearly as charming as the movie was.  Simply put, Summer School Teachers does have a lot going for it despite being both without a plot and still having three subplots all cooked into this 84-minute movie.

You wanna see some hot 70s chicks and have a little bit of a laugh, this is the movie for you.

Next week, I delve into true smut as I look at the 1978 porno Dracula Sucks.  I figured it was high time I put my mouth where my money was…  Or put my dick where your eyes are…  No, wait…  It’s my dick.  Do I put it in the hollowed out baked potato?  Oh, never mind.  I’m finally going to watch an actual X-rated movie for this blog so come back next week for that.

Oh, and one final note about Summer School Teachers…  A small, one scene, 5-line appearance was made by Bill Thornbury, who played Jody in the Phantasm movies.  That’s super awesome.