It’s been a bit since I had a good old fashioned vampire movie covered on this blog.  In fact, vampires have been covered more than any other topic here at B-Movie Enema.  But you know what I haven’t covered nearly enough of on this site?

Smut.

Smutty smutty, sexy smut.

Yeah, I’ve had fish rape and boobies and various sexual situations and even teenage guy shenanigans.  But I’ve not gone full porno.  Let’s rectify (*snicker*)… that situation.  Knowing I am venturing into full porno and my history with vampires, we have 1978’s Dracula Sucks, directed by Phillip Marshack and starring AVN Hall of Fame inductee Jamie Gillis.

Thanks to Vinegar Syndrome, this movie now has a DVD and Blu Ray release.  And some of the saucy explanations on the back of the box are as follows:

• This time the Count is not just going for the throat! (I think that means he’s also going for that pussy)
• …as the diabolical count sets his sights on the beautiful Mina. (I think that means he’s going for Mina’s pussy)
• Acclaimed as the most star studded X rated film ever made… (star-studded pussy that is)

I think you see where I’m going with this.  I think we best just crack this pus… er, I mean movie open.

Um…  Well.  I’m not kidding when I say this, but I wrote the opening to this article before I ever watched this movie.  I literally did not expect that all those pussy jokes in the bullet point list above to actually pay off in the first, like 10 seconds of this movie.

In a sanitarium in the middle of a desert, Richard Renfield is being dropped off for issues with insomnia.  An expert in doctoring, Van Helsing, has been called to the sanitarium to help Richard.  That night, Richard dreams of when his father went to Transylvania and never returned.  Richard climbs out of his window and goes to the cellar of the sanitarium where he finds Count Dracula’s casket.

Jamie Gillis does a Bela Lugosi impersonation and even does the lines about the “children of the night” when he hears wolves howl and the “blood is the life” bit.  Dracula bites Renfield and turns him into a servant as Richard’s father was.  I would also like to point out that Gillis has a couple busty vampy brides with him down in that cellar too, so that’s awesome.

Van Helsing arrives the following morning as Renfield is dragged back to his room screaming and carrying on.  We meet some of the other usuals in a Dracula story besides Van Helsing including Mina (Annette Haven), Lucy (Serena), Dr. Seward (John Leslie), and Jonathan Harker (Paul Thomas).  While Mina and Jonathan hang out with another fellow and perform “Swing Low Sweet Chariot”, Lucy performs a BJ for her boyfriend, Dr. Bradley.  This sets up exactly what Renfield tells Dracula upon waking that Lucy’s the slut and Mina is virginal.

Later that night, Dracula comes over to introduce himself to Dr. Seward and meet all the characters of the film who will either be fucking or fucking dying in due time.  Upon meeting Mina, Dracula has a vision of them making out in his cellar bachelor pad while standing over his coffin.  You know, as you do.

He also gets a pretty good look at Lucy who looks like she’s wet, hot sex slithering into a satin gown.  Considering he doesn’t really look her over like he did Mina, I guess he’s like totally in love with Mina and just wants to fuck Lucy.  He does have a fiery vision of fucking Lucy so I guess I’m right in that summation.  While Dracula talks about Transylvania’s chances at the next World Cup with the assorted people at Seward’s place, Dracula’s vampy chicks roam the grounds of the sanitarium before going inside and tasting a sample from Seward’s maid (naturally dressed in a French maid costume because… sure).

While the vampy chicks do that, Lucy and Mina are talking about their encounter with the mysterious Count and teasing about how interesting he is and how Lucy is kinda into him.  Lucy eventually leaves Mina’s room and goes to take a wicked piss in the bathroom when Dracula comes in.  Now…  Question.  Is Dracula into that sort of thing?  He just walks right into the bathroom while we clearly hear Lucy peeing.  He puts the whammy on her and drinks from her while she’s still on the toilet.  I’m not the only one who thinks that’s weird, right?  Like, did Dracula go in there to drain his lizard and was suddenly like, “Oh…  Oh, shit, somebody’s in here!  Um…  Be cool about this…  Um…. Looooook into my EYES!”  And he just plays it off like it’s what he planned to do all along?

I dunno…  Probably easier to just chalk this up to 70s pornos being kinda gross.

Interestingly, though, there’s been very little hardcore anything in this movie.  We’re 20 minutes in, and we’ve seen Serena suck a guy off, but it was only for a half minute before it cuts away and comes back to show his load on the back of her hand and her kissing his dick.  Later, Seward is showing Van Helsing around and he’s talking about all their various issues.  He’s explaining how all the patients have strange bite marks and all have a nearly animalistic urge to fuck.  There are some images of them having sex with either one of the vampy chicks or with Dracula or with each other.  But still no actual long scenes from start to completion like we see in modern XXX films.

Upon examining Lucy, Van Helsing figures out that, naturally, all these crazy things and Lucy’s own unnatural, and sudden, loss of blood has to be vampires!  Renfield is brought in to chat with Van Helsing and he begs to be sent away from the sanitarium to protect Mina from whatever he keeps babbling on about.

Cut to the maid leading Dr. John Stoker into a room in the sanitarium.  And…  Who might that be playing Stoker?

Johnny fuckin’ Wad himself – John Holmes!

Of course, Mr. Big Dick himself gets the first prolonged (*snicker*) sex scene of the movie.  He starts making out with the maid, then goes down a little bit on her, then starts fucking her on the billiards table.  It’s like we’ve seen some titty and some dick and some oral, but here we go – like a for real sex scene.  It’s got a weird soundtrack playing over it – the audio from some movie that sounds like Bela Lugosi is in, but don’t worry…  The scene is cut short when the maid turns into a vampire and bites Johnny Wad’s dick off.

Dracula then enters Mina’s room and bites her.  She tells Jonathan and Van Helsing about a “dream” she had about a mist filling the room and a face lowering down on her and draining the life out of her.  Van Helsing discovers she’s been bitten.  Meanwhile, a hot blonde nurse goes to check on John Holmes and his bitten penis.  He’s been locked up with the other crazies and he tricks her to let one of his hands free to scratch his dick.  Of course, after taking a look at that hog of his, she’s like, “yeah, go for it” and he totally attacks her and bites her, strips her clothes off and fucks her.

This sanitarium has a real problem with biting and unbridled sex.

Elsewhere, Seward has a brief breakdown about how everything is getting weird around the hospital ever since Dracula showed up.  His head (*snicker*) nurse calms him down by stripping in front of him and getting him nice and hard so he can fuck her.  I mean Kay Parker, who plays Sybil Seward, is real hot la…  Wait.  Sybil Seward.  She was introduced as Arthur’s sister.  Whoa.  Was that a big fetish back in the 70s?  Brother/sister fucking?  Or did the movie forget they were siblings and not spouses?  No…  That can’t be because Arthur says that his dick could have been hers and that their mother gave it to him.

That’s… kinda weird, man.  Like freaky deaky incesty.

Seward and Van Helsing invite Dracula over to give blood for a transfusion.  Despite knowing he’s a weirdo at best, and a vampire at worst, they let Sybil go into the examination room alone.  There, he bites her in the boob and in the crotch, and then sticks his dick into her mouth.  While he’s doing all that bad shit to her, Lucy reanimates and walks out of the morgue, but she’s found in a coffin in Dracula’s pad.  There, Van Helsing instructs Dr. Bradley on how to kill her with a stake through the heart.  But, because she’s hot, he starts making out with her and licking her body and eating that muff before fucking it.

I kinda feel like this part should at least have that Captain Picard facepalm meme inserted into it at this point.  I mean yeah, Lucy is super hot and she did suck you off in right around 30 seconds that one time, but maybe not fuck her, at best, dead corpse, and, at worst, reanimated monster body.

Here’s kind of what we have here – this is a simplistic remake of 1931’s Dracula.  Someone watched that with a hard on while snorting blow off a hooker’s butt and said, “This movie would be fucking awesome if we throw some tits and bush into it!”  So they set about doing just that.  Some scenes are direct word-for-word copies of the 1931 version.  However, because this movie is 95 minutes and that original Dracula was like only 65 or 70, they added some softcore nudity and body kissing and a couple legit John Holmes hardcore fucking scenes and called it a day.  The version I decided to watch was the full on, X-rated version.  There is a cut that was released as Lust at First Bite which was at least 20 minutes shorter, but I can’t imagine that being much of anything whatsoever considering this 95 minute version is hardly anything whatsoever.

Jonathan is resolved to take Mina out of this kooky joint.  Sometimes she seems to be cool with that, but then starts acting like a real crazy chick.  She’s looking at his neck weird when he’s looking up at the stars and a rubber bat starts fluttering around them – even going so far as to call the bat “master”.  I dunno, Jonathan.  I know Annette Haven is supposedly some sort of legend in the porn business, and she is definitely smoking hot, and I really want to watch her fuck (even if it is also watching you fuck), but usually you don’t want a girl taking orders from a rubber bat at the end of a pole and string.

If that’s not bad enough for Jonathan, while Mina just kinda dopily follows around that rubber bat and acts like a super space case, he lifts up her dress and starts eating that sweet, sweet box.  Dracula finds them, and, while she kinda smiles knowing what’s about to happen, forces Jonathan’s head into his crotch before letting Mina feed on him.

Alright, they may have taken a little bit of liberty with this climax…  *snicker*

Seward and Van Helsing see Jonathan’s body and decide they have to release Renfield so he can lead them to Draculas resting place so they can destroy him.  Anyone at the hospital who hadn’t been killed or already turned into a vampire gets killed or turned into a vampire.  Dracula’s vampy chicks make out with each other.  Shit is out of control now and I’m not sure where anything is going or what’s going to happen.  After getting rid of Renfield for betraying him, Dracula decides he’s gonna make out with Mina.

Fucking finally we get to see Annette Haven get naked and busy.  I mean, I’ve been sitting here for the last 85 minutes wanting to see her work and it’s here.  And yeah…  Yeah it’s pretty good.   I suppose if I have one regret is that it’s Jamie Gillis eating her out and not me…  That and unlike the pornos made these days, it’s not like 43 minutes long, but it’s cool.  We get a little bit of him going down on her, her repaying the favor, him fucking her doggy style, from a few angles, and some good old fashioned missionary.  Based on the sweet love theme music, I think I’m supposed to be happy for these crazy kids in love.  It’s great that they found each other in times like these.

But then Van Helsing and Seward open the door letting the sunshine in and killing them just after orgasm.  Ain’t that some shit?

Dracula Sucks is weird, but probably mostly par for the course for 70s adult entertainment.  It has a plot that ends up being the main focus, and not dat ass or dem titties.  At times, it’s goofy and much zanier than you’d normally see in hardcore stuff these days, but a lot of the X-rated movies of the 70s usually fed off some lighter tones.  It literally is a relatively faithful retelling of Dracula with some boobs, bush, and boner and a wildly different ending that doesn’t quite leave you feeling that great (other than getting to see Annette Haven in full glory).

Then again…  What really can you ask for more than boobs and bush from your smut?

Next week, I check out yet another somewhat recent Vinegar Syndrome purchase of mine, but in a slightly more traditional horror sense.  Come back in a week to take a ride in my new vehicle which so happens to be haunted – The Hearse!