Virgin Hunters (aka Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000, 1994)

David DeCoteau is back under one of his many pseudonyms, Ellen Cabot.  One year after Cabot/DeCoteau made the epic Beach Babes from Beyond, he teamed up again with Full Moon Features’ sexier production company subsidiary, Torchlight Entertainment, for another sex comedy.  That’s the topic of this week’s B-Movie Enema – Virgin Hunters!

Now, the title Virgin Hunters was the original name of the movie, however, there was a bit of an issue with the explicit nature of the title.  So, in order for Full Moon’s usual home video partner, Paramount Pictures, to release the film, the title would be changed to the more tongue-in-cheek Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000 and slightly less provocative poster and box art was utilized.

Interestingly, Virgin Hunters is now a franchise.  A second film was released in 2016 and a third in 2017.  You best fuckin’ believe I have those as well and will endeavor to complete the trilogy for you fine Enemaniacs here on the blog.

Before diving into the film, let’s discuss some fascinating facts around this movie.  First, Virgin Hunters was actually the first film made for Torchlight.  However, the previously covered Beach Babes from Beyond was released first.  I’m not sure if that was due to the name change or an internal idea that maybe the movie about the beach babes would be an easier launch for the soft core subsidiary.

Now for a truly bizarre fact.  Originally, the role of Dr. Dorn was to be played by Donald Sutherland.  However, he backed out at the last moment.  This was during the 90s when Sutherland had a little bit of a re-emergence with The Puppet Masters and Disclosure being two pretty major releases in 1994.  Imagine if a third major film role for him in 1994 would have also been Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000.

I admit I made a goof.  I should have done this movie some time last year as the “present day” of Virgin Hunters is 2019.  I also have to say, Mr. DeCoteau is some sort of clairvoyant because his movie’s 2019 is a world where corporations have bought out the government and control everything.  Now, the only thing that doesn’t fit is that sex is outlawed (hence the “test tube teens” part of the title).  But the idea here is that a couple horndogs from 2019 decide to hope in a time machine and go back to a time in which sex was just the tits and see what they’ve been missing.  They get pursued by a cyborg to bring them to justice (hence the “virgin hunters” title).  They come across an uppity bitch of a schoolmarm at this all girls school played by Morgan Fairchild who seems destined to become the leader of that future sexless world.

Let’s find out if she achieves world domination or just settles for creating the sexless world she created just for me.

“Eh… Don’t spend too much on title fonts, just put a naked chick back there like a James Bond title sequence.”

Okay, let’s get this movie off the ground.  I suspect we this will be a fairly easy flight.  Just a quick 75 minute trip.  Be sure to keep your seat belts fastened anytime you are in your seat.  Also, don’t be a dick to our flight attendants.  Yes, they are probably hot, but no, they do not want your grubby pretzel hands all over them.

As promised, we open in 2019.  There is a college course being taught by Dr. Dorn.  We’re learning about how this is no longer the United States of America, but the Great Corporation of America.  In fact, there are no other countries.  It’s a world government.  Welcome to Obama’s ‘Murica, people.  All other governments are inefficient and now we are a united world.  All the brown people, black people, Asians, whitey, you name it.  We’re all peacefully coexisting.  Pack up your various flags (yes, even those Confederate ones, Jethro).  We’re all one big happy family.

Sex is outlawed, motherfuckers!  The feminist agenda wins!

Our lead dudes, Naldo and Vin are listening to the lecture.  They are kind of trouble makers of sorts.  First, Naldo wants to know more about the older forms of government.  Dr. Dorn sternly states that it would be a waste to discuss them because they didn’t work.  Meanwhile, Vin is looking at the blonde chick’s butt in front of him and having a daydream about her stripping for him.  Less than five minutes in, and we’ve got a big pair of knockers on screen.  Thank you, David DeCoteau.

He gets caught thinking about sex and lust.  Dr. Dorn says he doesn’t think Vin’s corporate sponsors would like his illegal thoughts.  Dorn keeps them after class – as well as Reena, the girl Vin was fantasizing about.  He pulls out a laser gun and blows up the camera watching the class.  He tells them what’s what.  Dorn says it’s all bullshit.  Dorn is a rebel and reveals it by showing them a peace symbol tattooed on his chest.  He tells them about the democracy and how the mega corporation paid off the national debt, but imposed laws.  They eventually committed hostile takeovers.  He gives them info on how to access the archives underground.

Dorn gets arrested, and Reena wants nothing to do with this crap.  So Naldo and Vin go to the archives.  Naturally, Vin is distracted by the stashed away nudie mags, and Naldo wants to find out more about the way things used to be.  Now, here’s the thing.  You might think it doesn’t make any sense to outlaw sex.  If corporations want to rule everything, you’d want to have more people to rule, right?  You’d certainly make more and more money with more and more people running about, yeah?  Anyway, Dorn says it was this real bitch of a broad named Camella Swales who started a movement.  She had no need for sex, so she convinced the corporations that took over that sex was unprofitable and they agreed.  Test tube babies became the only legal form of reproduction in the world.

Vin particularly takes to the centerfold in the issue of “Playpen Magazine” he found, Samantha Cummings.  He fantasizes about her and has a sexy soft core scene while Naldo looks for more of that information about the old ways and Carmella Swales.

I will say this for the movie…  Less than 15 minutes in and I’ve gotten a couple pairs of titties and a Cinemax style, sexy saxophone crotch grind.  Not bad.  Barely any plot movement.  But lots of what I came here to find.

I also appreciate the joke Naldo makes when he finds a newspaper with an article about Carmella.  Neither guy knows what a newspaper is.  Considering this takes place in 2019, this all lines up wonderfully.

Hmmm… I’m not so sure about this new Fantastic Four reboot. There’s not even four of them!

They find a time chamber in the storage archives as well.  The guys plan on using the machine to go back in time, but the controls are on the outside.  So they need Reena to operate it.  Before getting into the machine, Reena plants a big ol’ kiss on Vin saying she doesn’t know where she learned how to do it, but was just following her instincts.

The guys go back in time to 1994 to Camella Swales’ boarding school for girls.  Before Reena can reprogram the return date and time, security nearly catches her so she is forced to lock herself into the time chamber and goes back in time as well.  The guys are not sure what their plan will be.  Until they figure something out, they need to hide.  They hide in a girl’s room and convince her to help them by showing her the newspaper.

The girl they meet, Maggie (the super cute Michele Matheson), agrees to help Naldo and Vin.  They have no idea what to do.  They hope Maggie has some ideas.  Maggie does say she knew Swales was kind of a hard bitch with delusions of grandeur, but had no idea how far her aspirations reached.  It’s too late that first night to figure out exactly what to do.  So they have to go to class with Maggie.  However, with the school being all girls, they have to do this Bosom Buddies style and dress as girls. They are surprised to see that Maggie’s teacher is Dr. Dorn.  They also see Swales who comes in asking for a report from Dorn about the girls.

Swales instantly realizes that the two dudes, posing as Ingrid and Heidi, foreign exchange students staying with Maggie, don’t fit in.

Maggie is able to more or less convince Swales to keep the “exchange students” around for the next few days.  Meanwhile, Naldo (as Ingrid) plans to meet with Dorn.  To toss one more character into the mix, a LEX 500 cyborg is sent back to retrieve the runaway dudes from the future.  But that’s not the only problem the guys have, boy howdy.  They, for some reason, continue to go to classes and end up in a physical education class where the girls shower after running some track.  They are stuck watching young, nubile, college girls shower in the complete nude.  Naturally, like all girls do when showering after a run, they soap each other up and sexily gaze wantonly at each other’s bodies.

I mean…  Right?  This is what happens in the girls locker room, yes?  I have seen enough movies like Virgin Hunters to know this is how girls bathe.  You know, always in pairs so they can… you know, lather each other up?

Okay, sure, the guys didn’t have to keep going to classes.  They could have just planned what they were going to do with Swales.  But, and I’m speaking for the guys here in a purely scientific way, I’m sure they were very happy to learn more about 1994.

The LEX 500 Termin… er, Virgin Hunter… goes to see Swales to ask if she’s seen the boys.  Naturally, cyborg dude is doing a terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation.  Later, Naldo goes to Dorn but wastes so much time before revealing that he is NOT Ingrid and things get a little handsy.  However, Naldo eventually reveals that he is there to stop Swales.  He later tells Maggie that Dorn has no ideas either.  Also, his disguise worked.  REALLY worked.

You know, I’m comfortable enough in my sexuality to say that, yeah, Brian Bremer who plays Naldo does indeed make a halfway decent lady.

Anyway, Vin is partying with some hot babes from the school in Maggie’s dorm room.  Swales discovers a can of beer in the room and gives them all detention.  Thankfully, “Heidi” and “Ingrid” were able to sneak out onto the ledge outside the window to hide from Swales.  Vin sneaks into a room to get off the ledge, and it turns out that he enters the room of one Samantha Cummings.  Vin reveals to her that he’s a dude and not Heidi and they fuck…  HARD.

Elsewhere, Naldo sneaks around Swales’ office.  He finds a box of notes from a past lover of hers.  He finds a note from the man named Daryl whose wife started suspecting they were having an affair.  So all her anti-sex beeswax is all over being burned after an affair.  Back in Samantha Cummings’ room, I’m glad to see that Vin is eating out her navel all Cinemax, soft core style.  I think we all know that a woman’s navel is the NUMBER ONE place she wants a tongue.  At the very least, it does almost seem plausible in the wider shots that he is getting penetration and not accidentally sticking his dick into her belly button like a guy from 2019 who has no sex would do.

I only accidentally did that once and it wasn’t 2019.  It was 2020.  Yesterday.  And it was a pillow I was pretending to be a girl.

ER…  Um, so Vin, Naldo, and Maggie try to convince Dorn to romance Swales, but he’s not into it.  He goes to her office and tries put on the charms.  She rebuffs him but he tries even harder.  After saying he just wants a kiss from her, she agrees – with a punch to the ol’ kisser.

So it’s back to plan B – killing her.  They wire the door knob to electrocute her when she touches it.  That backfires when she is carrying a box of files and a student helps her open the door.  Next, Vin ties sneaking around the window to try to break in and kill her with a morning star.  No shit, he had a morning star attached to his belt.  She opens the window and makes him fall to the ground.  The third attempt is to put acid into an apple, but the bell rings before she takes a bite.  The fourth attempt is a miss with a bow and arrow.  The cyborg finds them and starts chasing them.  Unfortunately, Swales also discovers Naldo and Vin are boys.

Reena finally arrives, but it also means they have no way home.  Maggie sends them with a credit card to get some clothes and she tells them to meet her at a club she likes.  They escape and Swales interrogates Maggie.  Swales claims she will be watching Maggie’s door, but she sneaks out the window to meet up with Naldo, Vin, and Reena.  She doesn’t know the cyborg is following her.

At the club, Maggie teaches them how to dance.  Of course, Vin, being the horndog that he is, has a bit of a girl problem when he and Reena run into Samantha Cummings.  The cyborg shows up and tries to shoot Naldo, but Vin jumps in front with a drink tray and reflects his laser back at him.  Naldo reprograms him to go after Swales.  Not to terminate her, but to succeed where Dorn failed.

The cyborg assimilates all the love letters into his memory, and then the Playpen magazine with Swales’ face plastered onto the girls.  He begins romancing her using the same words from Daryl’s letters.  When she sees exactly how perfect he’s been designed in terms of the size of his diiiiick, she has a change of heart.

Let’s just say that he doesn’t simply destroy that Morgan Fairchild pussy, he destroys all her plans for world domination and the ban on sex.

That was the end of her.  Vin and Naldo are stuck in the present.  However, Naldo becomes a professor, Maggie becomes headmistress of the school, and Vin and Reena get married.  Dr. Dorn became an author.  Samantha Cummings decided not to go into modeling and instead won a Nobel Prize for nuclear physics.

Allow me to say a hearty BRAVO to David DeCoteau for this movie.  It’s a lot of fun, and because it sticks tightly to a 75 minute run time, it does not overstay its welcome.  It’s got some sexy elements.  It has funny moments and the story is perfect for 90s late night cable stations.  It’s actually one of those rare occasions where I don’t have hardly any complaints or nitpicks.  Sure there are some conveniences, but dammit – it’s funny.  Like with Beach Babes from Beyond, this is just good ol’ fashioned horny fun.

Plus, I have to mention that Morgan Fairchild said she based Swales on Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS.  Goddamn this is a fun little movie.  I will eventually get to those more recent sequels, but I will also buy up some more of the Torchlight films to cover.

However, next week, I’m going to Texas for another flick starring the incomparable Claudia Jennings.  Pack up your bags with stolen cash, slip on your cut off jean shorts, and tie those halter tops on because we’re going on The Great Texas Dynamite Chase!  WOOOO DOGGIE!

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