Femalien (1996)

Alright, Full Moon Fever II: Torchlight Diaries is off and running thanks to last week’s check in with the Beach Babes. This week, we keep to the out of this world hotties with Cybil Richards’ 1996 erotic sci-fi flick Femalien.

Now, I want to say that I always think Cybil Richards is one of David DeCoteau’s many, many nom de plumes, but it actually isn’t. I don’t know if I’m excited or sad about that. On one hand, I’m betting Femalien doesn’t have a shit ton of dance scenes as she traipses across the galaxy and meeting new people and dealing with back pain. On the other hand, I’m betting there’s no bad jokes and shit.

Now, was this made on a slim budget of 27-30,000 McDonald’s cheeseburgers like so many of DeCoteau’s films looked to be?

Well, that’s the question we’re here to answer, Enamaniacs. I don’t know too much about anything behind the scenes or with Cybil Richards. I mean, I know a lot about Cybill Shepherd, like how hot she was in the 70s and 80s, and how much like I loved Moonlighting. Cybil Richards? Eh… Not so much. I just know that she was often credited as Sybil Richards but that’s whatever that is in terms of factoids.

Additionally, 1996 was the first year she had credits. There was Femalien, that we’re going to talk about in just a few moments, and then there’s the other 1996 credit Virtual Encounters. Both this film and Virtual Encounters would get sequels before the end of the 90s. In fact, she worked hard, like David DeCoteau, by having a whopping 16 directing credits between 1996 and 2001 before taking a fifteen-year break. When she returned, she added another 8 credits between 2016 and 2018. That’s insane. But one of those credits, and the movie she came back to the director’s chair for, is what we will be closing out this month on, so… Hang tight there, kiddies, we gotta deal with Femalien first.

This one might be a bit of a thinker, guys. Femalien comes from a race of aliens that has evolved into beings of pure light. You see, they are on a cosmic quest for perfection. They are unbound by the limitations of the mortal coil. However, they have lost the ability to feel physical pleasure.

I mean, think on that for a while, won’t ya? That sounds terrible! Let’s not even go straight to the brain gutter and say they can’t get off or feel orgasms, let’s be practical. They can’t feel the body tingling effects of that first bite of a McRib at the start of a new season. They can’t feel the tickly vibrations of your cat lying on your face in the morning when it wants breakfast in the form of canned, wet cat food. They can’t feel the exhilaration of your brakes failing as you slide through a red light only to come out on the other end not dead. They can’t even feel the sensual pleasure of nylon stockings against your vaguely masculine thighs…

Er… My point is they have lost pleasurable feelings. Let’s just leave it at that.

Okay, let’s get started here. I should mention that this is actually a “Surrender Cinema” release as Torchlight had already been replaced by Surrender at Full Moon by the time this was released. Exactly why Torchlight was changed to Surrender, I cannot say. Maybe there were still some underlying business with licensing or whatever, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all Torchlight to me.

Alrighty… We open in space, the final frontier. The credits play over a zooming star field. After the credits we get a look at the Femalien spacecraft and…

Oh boy.

Well, I think this was made for significantly less McDonald’s cheeseburgers than Beach Babes 2. I can’t make heads or tails of this thing. It’s leopard print, which… I mean that checks out for intergalactic sexy femoids. But look at this thing. I know this is the back of the ship, but it also looks like it could be the front. It also looks like it could be the profile of the ship. What is happening here?

“But, Geoff… I’m sure it looks better from the front! Give it a chance!”

You sure about that?

Okay, story time, kiddos. There’s a great legend around the original TV show Star Trek. When it came time to design the USS Enterprise, the original design was more or less the same, except for one very important thing – the designer originally wanted it upside down. The saucer section and the warp nacelles were to point down and the engineering secondary hull of the ship was the top portion. However the story goes, everyone turned it the other way up and history was born. Now this… Well, Again, is this what you’d expect to see at the front of a ship or behind it? It’s a bizarre design and I’m spending way too much time talking about this when I should be continuing on with the movie to see some boobies and alien babes.

But I mean, c’mon, man. This is backwards, right? Why have the big chunky bit at the back and the sharp, pointy things facing forward?

Anyway, this breathy babe giving her mission report is saying she has been sent to Earth because her peoples have studied that Earth peoples have a great talent for physical intimacy. She’s been granted a form that she thinks will be very beneficial to her mission…

…and I tend to agree!

This giant space booze bottle tells her that she’s going to live in this place that the aliens bought with space bucks and that she will be exposed to various situations already pre-selected. She’s to make observations and collect samples of.. something.

She sees the couple next door. The girl is sunbathing. The guy is trying to leave for work, but the girl wants him to stay home, wants him to rub oil on her, wants to make out with him, wants us to listen to soft core porno music. The guy at first tries to prevent getting oil on his nice suit. Then has to leave before she’s had enough. The Femalien watches on confused about the brevity of the man’s advances toward the woman. The space booze bottle says she needs to watch more. She does, and witnesses the girl masturbating. She then sees the businessman return and they go to town.

This is fairly standard soft core fare here. We kind of saw the same thing in Beach Babes 2 – sans dancing here, though. It’s the usual simulated touching of everything other than what would give the woman her own orgasm, simulated cunnilingus, simulated blow jibber, all that you would expect. I will give the movie credit for one thing, though. When the girl in the chaise lounger was touching herself, we see something that isn’t all that common, even for soft core – a fairly close up shot of her vagina and a slight touch of it.

So, let’s set the stage here. Our Femalien is Kara, played by Venesa Talor – someone who actually has two misspelled names. That’s impressive even for adult film actresses. Talor was in a handful of movies through the 90s including the sequel to this (appropriately titled Femalien 2, who’d have guessed), a couple other adulty, soft-core-ish, films, as well as a couple more Full Moon Feature films. She’s been mostly out of the biz since about the mid to late 00s.

Kara decides that she needs to be careful who she touches on this planet because clearly all it takes to initiate sexual activity is a touch. I guess that is somewhat true depending on who it is that you decide to touch, but whatever. She also wants to experience food. She has this little wrist communicator/transporter deal on her arm. She just says “food” and it zaps her to a diner where we meet the cute hippie chick, Sun.

Now, Sun here is about two things – reading books about aliens and feeding people in her diner. In fact, if she could feed an alien in the diner, she could die a happy hippie girl. Well, I guess today’s her lucky day because here’s Kara trying out everything Sun has to feed her belly and curiosity.

Sun is played by Jacqueline Lovell. Lovell’s super cute and has a ton of credits to her name. She wasn’t just in this movie with Talor, but also a later movie called Women of the Night. She was in another of Richards’ movies, playing the title role of Lolita 2000. She even appeared in The Killer Eye directed by David DeCoteau. She’s kind of the Rosetta Stone of the erotic mid 90s to early 2000s.

As it turns out, Sun’s diner is closing – the next day in fact. Now… I have questions about this. This place is empty, sure – probably due to the budget being comprised of McDonald’s cheeseburgers. However, it’s operating as normal. They have a full menu to feed Kara, they have a cake under a glass thingy on the counter, they have pictures and everything all over the wall, and Drew, the cook at the diner, baking a fresh batch of cookies. I mean, I guess maybe there is hope here, but MJ, the evil masseuse businessman (yes, you read that right), is taking over the diner and expanding his spa. He gives everyone shitty vibes and hits on Kara.

Then Sun spills hot coffee on her and asks Kara to help her in the storage room.

Okie dokie.

Kara touches Sun between her boobs and emits a light that transports us, the very lucky viewers, to a sunbathing Sun completely nude and showing us her vagoozals and rubbing her body for us. This is… noteworthy, if not enthralling, but it makes Sun think she was not burned, so I guess it healed her? Anyway, Kara tells Sun she wants to experience the dope shit while on her trip here. Sun sends her to a photographer that is shooting a couple in vinyl clothes.

She watches this shoot which looks boring as hell. Even the photographer agrees and is frustrated that the guy and girl don’t seem to have any passion. Kara’s got an idea though. She moves the dude’s hand onto the girl’s boob. Then creates a lens flare with her space powers.

This livens up the shoot as they begin kissing, and grabbing each other’s butts and stuff. Soon, they models are naked and straight up just doing it for the camera. Are they a couple? Or are they individual models hired for this shoot and just met each other? Are they even into each other? Why do I care? This chick’s pretty nice looking and it’s not too bad watching Kara get all hot and bothered watching them either.

You know what is interesting about Femalien? It is yet another of those movies that have long, drawn out scenes of pretty people doing vaguely sexy things like a Playboy video. You know, I talked about that last week. Beach Babes 2 was like a Playboy video with the very thinnest of plots. However, Femalien also has a thin plot, but not as thin. And the vaguely sexy scenes of vaguely sexy people doing vaguely sexy things are a little more vaguely erotic in their vague nature. Also, this is meant to be something of a sex education trip for Kara so some of what’s going on here makes more sense than last week. I dare say Cybil Richards is a little better at this than David DeCoteau was.

Next stop, the sexy lingerie store run by Angel and Gina. They ask if Kara is here to spice up the ol’ boudoir or if she has a special someone in her life. Kara doesn’t exactly understand the question and asks if they have special someones. Gina, played by porn star Taylor St. Clair, explains that she has a bunch of special someones and that she likes variety. Variety is what Kara is looking for. Variety is what Gina and Angel is going to give her.

It’s lingerie fashion show montage time!

So now we have some sexy shenanigans between Angel and Gina. I feel like this is what these ladies woke up and put on the to-do list for that day because when Kara came in, Angel asked if they could help her. Gina added, “Please say yes” in an almost pouty tone. I feel like if that plea was intended to give them this girl-on-girl funtime, why… Hmm… Why not just, like, do it anyway with or without a customer?

After the, um, show is over, the girls just give Kara a dress as a token of their thanks. This lingerie store is going to be out of business by the end of the week if this is their business model. They invite her to a sex show that they provided the costumes for. Kara returns to Sun’s diner and tells Drew she wants to fuck. She invites him back to her place. Sun tells Kara that she and Drew boned a couple times and he’s pretty good in bed and asks her to bring him back in one piece. Drew tells Sun he’s taking his break now (in the middle of what appears to be peak business hours – never mind that he’s going to be jobless by the end of the day), and Kara puts him to sleep to beam them back to her place where she plans to do the interaction with him.

So after that intergalactic fuck sesh, Kara almost forgot about that “experience” Angel and Gina invited her to, so she’s off to the art theater for some weirdo sexual expression drama…? I don’t know what to call this. You have a woman dressed like Julianne Moore from The Big Lebowski, a woman strung up on a knife-thrower’s wheel, and a woman who comes up from the audience to strip. Julianne Moore from The Big Lebowski also kisses Kara because I guess she’s in the front row. I mean… look at this… Just look at this. This is insanity.

So this madness continues on stage, which makes everyone else in the audience decide they want to lick each other, fuck each other, and touch themselves. Naturally Kara, which is touching herself yet again, would likely be turned on by watching a sea otter take a shit, so you know she’s getting into the act of giving herself the business. However, she does have the strangest reaction to the show. Toward the end, she gets a weird look on her face, kind of shakes her head as if she’s disbelieving what she is seeing, and awkwardly claps.

She returns to the diner and Sun isn’t in very good spirits. The diner is closing because MJ is a dick. Drew says that the only thing that might make her happy is to get the deed back from the slimy masseuse. This gives Kara an idea to experience more experiences.

This does bring up a seldom known law in the United States. If you accept a massage from a slimy masseuse, you have legal right to request that a deed is transferred to another entity – but you better have a bodacious bod, be willing to give a naked massage while straddling a guy, and have space powers, otherwise, you will not have legal standing to complete this transfer. The space powers in question lets Kara transfer all sorts of positive energy into MJ which makes him euphoric. In this state, he hands over the deed. So, see? Legal standing established.

Kara finds Sun in a meditation parlor and tells her that she got the deed from MJ. Kara says she gave him something more valuable than money to obtain the deed. She then makes everyone in the meditation chamber fuck each other while she and Sun watch.

There is something somewhat charming about this movie. While a total male fantasy of a celestial sexual goldfish just wanting to have all the sex all the time, Kara is genuinely a positive character. She wants to make people feel good while she experiences the pleasure of both that and learning about physicality. When it comes to Sun, she wants to help her first, and best, Earth friend so she doesn’t lose the diner she loves so much. She has a way to give MJ something he is sorely lacking and uses that to get the deed back. It’s a little innocent in that way while having an out of control and off the rails silicone budget.

I will give this movie another tip of the cap for something that you don’t often see in these soft core movies – you see a man’s penis fairly close. In the orgy scene at the meditation joint, a woman pulls a guy’s bikini briefs off and the camera gets a big ol’ eyeful of dick. And it isn’t a mistaken shot or a shot that tries to artfully edit around it. No. It hovers there for some seconds. So yeah, good job in being inclusive, movie!

MJ shows up at the meditation joint with a cop to arrest Kara for taking the deed, but magic space powers makes everyone continue to fuck each other with MJ and the cop now in the mix as well. Back at the diner, Sun says she’s been thinking and maybe it’s best that she just leave her diner and start over elsewhere. Kara says she wants to give her something. They go back to her place and the moment I personally was looking forward to from that first scene at the diner happens.

Sun asks if Kara has to go back to her home world, but she says that’s her life. However, her glowing space booze bottle says there’s no reason why she can’t stay and continue collecting data and have her fun with Sun. Kara transports Drew into bed with them and they live happily ever after.

Well, this wasn’t so bad, was it? Last week’s movie was a whole lotta nuthin’ until the final 30 minutes. This movie, while most definitely paced and outlined like a porno, also has not so much a plot, but a likable situation for Kara to go around and learn about sexual intimacy. So instead of getting a bunch of dance scenes intermixed with walking around in circles on a small patch of beach and at Bronson Cave, we get Kara’s “experiences”. That’s a huge difference. That doesn’t exactly make this more of a fun watch, but it certainly makes it a decent watch.

Maybe this is a bit of a shrug, but Femalien was alright.

And with that… Alright! We’re two weeks into Full Moon Fever II, and we’ve done some things. Traveled to places. Saw some titties. Hell, in this movie we even saw dingles and vazzies! So, where are we going from here in the follow up? Well, back down to Earth with a real animal of a sexy lady – Huntress: Spirit of the Night! So get here next week for that, but before then, don’t forget to check out episode #2 of B-Movie Enema: The Series tomorrow night! That episode will be a revisit of one of the very earliest articles. So join me tomorrow for My Mom’s a Werewolf! See you then!

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