Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Oh boy, Geoffrey… You’ve really stepped in it this time.

Welcome to B-Movie Enema. We’re glad you’re here. It’s October and that means the month of spooks and ghouls and vampires and the exact girls at Walmart you expect to be considering which sexy version of a totally unsexy thing to wear as a costume has dawned. This is our favorite month around here and there’s a deep, deep history between this site and Halloween. Let me explain!

B-Movie Enema was born on October 3, 2014. Those first five articles were all horror or monster themed to celebrate October. While 2015 was a complete wash, whenever there’s been B-Movie Enema, there has been an October theme (of sorts), and a special Halloween article. 2021 is no different! I’m getting back to a series I first covered back in May. I hated it. Bad. But I made the promise to you, my dear readers, and myself, that I would finish this series and I guess I decided that the perfect time was to ruin my favorite month of the year.

So, here we are. 2004’s Resident: Apocalypse is kicking off Resident Evil Sequel Month! And I hate it!

Alright, so… Ugh. Fuck.

Think about how funny that would be that from this point forward, I just write shit like that above for about 3000 words. Me just lamenting in grunts, four-letter words, and just angry for the entire time. I’d still put in pictures and everything, but you have to figure out what I’m referring to when I grunt and sigh and call something “shit balls” or “fuck nuts”.

(Note to self – do this someday.)

Okay, Resident Evil was the extremely popular series of video games that got turned into a shockingly popular movie series by one Paul W.S. Anderson. As I said in the first film’s article, I sympathize greatly with his appreciation for the things he likes. Shit, give me a few million dollars and a property I’m into and I bet I really turn up the volume on the exact things I like and it might come off weird to almost everyone else. I even said that I bet if Anderson and I liked the same thing to a high degree, we’d probably be awesome friends and pal around at conventions. If we’re partying at a con somewhere, and we’re there with a few other friends, I’d probably even be cool with sharing one of the double beds with him. I feel like we could be that kind of pals.

Uh… Hmmm. I probably could have said that differently. Anyway…

So the story goes as this, we meet Alice (Milla Jovovich). Alice is someone who is struggling with her memory, but she has mad skills. She is brought along with a crack team of cannon fodder who are investigating a terrible accident at a top secret facility run by the Umbrella Corporation. What this group finds is a whole buncha zombies and a bunch of secret doings that will surely spell doom for the world. At the end of the movie, Alice and this other dude, Matt, get taken by guys in biohazard suits. Then, Alice wakes up in a wrecked town and she’s naked with a dress made out of that paper that your doctor’s office has on the examination table.

Oh yeah, lots of action happens. Alice kicks a dog in the face. Michelle Rodriguez was a bad ass but turned into a zombie at the end (I want to mention that because, well, spoilers for later). There’s a thing called “Nemesis” and the thing that turns people into zombies is called the T-virus. It’s an extremely early 2000s thing with crazy action effects, zombies, techno music, you get the picture. It was a huge, surprise hit for Sony who was riding high from the first Spider-Man film that same year.

With that, we now get to Resident Evil: Apocalypse released just two years later. Anderson is back as writer, but the director’s chair is handed over to Chilean Alexander Witt. This would be Witt’s directorial debut, and, to date, only film (though one is in pre-production at the time of writing this). Witt did direct some of the No Time to Die promotional advertisements for Land Rover. I like that. I also like many of the movies he worked as a second unite director on like Speed, Gladiator, Casino Royale, Skyfall (my favorite Bond film of them all), and Fast Five. Dude has an impressive crew career. But how does he do with the reins on Resident Evil: Apocalypse? I think it’s best we find out!

Cue the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme.

Out of the gate, Milla Jovovich introduces herself as Alice and explains that she worked for Umbrella Corporation and she was in security. She talks about all that shit I just did, but she says the one thing that we should hear in any horror sequel that brings back characters from the previous film. Alice says, “We thought we survived the horror… But we were wrong!”

I should point out that where Alice was taken, and where we begin this new movie, is the video game setting of Raccoon City. We see a town that is pleasant enough, but just underneath this picturesque small city, we have an entrance to the dreaded Hive where all the problems happened last movie. Idiots from Umbrella re-open the Hive only to be immediately attacked by monsters which mobilizes a series of big ol’ black SUVs that have come into the neighborhood to pick up VIPs of the company.

We gets lot of locations and stuff from around Raccoon City. It’s all sort of military-esque. Well, bad shit happens because one of the extraction trucks with a little girl (who looks suspiciously like the AI chick in the first movie that was trying to seal the problem up in the Hive) is hit by a tanker and is left behind in the city. Elsewhere, a pair of sexy, strappy, high-heeled feet come walking into a room where a bunch of newspaper clipping speak of the disgraced cop (or operative or something), Jill Valentine, hang on the wall and a police scanner is going bonkers over video of a wave of violence breaking out all over Raccoon City. The likely sexy girl attached to the sexy footwear and short skirt (shorts?) is quick to act when every channel on the scanner begins to beg for backup. She snaps to action by picking up guns and gearing up for what’s sure to be batshit insanity all to a techno soundtrack.

God this is so early 2000s.

Jill Valentine is played by Sienna Guillory (god that’s such an early 2000s name). The trio of Resident Evil sequels is what she’s best known for. Jill is best known to players of the game as she has been a key character since the very beginning of the series. I had mentioned that I didn’t fully understand why they created Alice, but, and in all fairness, I can see shifting away from the expectations that would be placed on the first film if not adapted properly when there seemingly could be many more stories to tell in the universe. Sure. However, I also am torn on the idea because people maybe came to see Jill Valentine and got Alice instead. Anyway, I digress.

Guillory is wearing a costume that is dumb as hell in any practical sense, but fits perfectly in the world of video games. At least back in the late 90s and early 00s. This particular outfit Guillory is in is influenced by the costume worn by Valentine in Resident Evil 3. But now it’s being remade with a much more practical zombie fighting outfit for the character to wear.

Skin is probably the last thing you want to have exposed when fighting zombies.

Meanwhile, back in some sort of command center, a guy from Umbrella, a corporate entity that has way too much power and weaponry, frees Alice from her hospital situation as we saw at the end of the previous movie. She walks out into the streets to see Raccoon City totally on the fucked side of existence. Umbrella is setting up a walled in security location to give people safety. Surprisingly, the residents of the city have shown up en masse to get the fuck inside the wall.

Now… I can’t help but to think of this in 2021 terms. Let’s say Amazon has a secret underground facility where they make monsters. I’m not saying they do, but hear me out because IF they do, how do you think people would feel if that shit went awry? Do you think people these days would be clawing at a wall begging Jeff Bezos to let them in? Shit. People don’t even trust the Microsoft guy when he says that maybe we should get vaccinated. I’m going to immediately call bullshit on this movie. Ain’t nobody going to trust in a corporation to save them – even from monsters and zombies.

Okay, back to 2004 and Resident Evil: Apocalypse. There’s a lovely blonde lady trying to run away from a horde of zombies and she’s trying to escape through a keypad-locked door out to the roof. Uh oh Spaghettios, she gets bitten but she makes it out to the roof where some army guys fly over in a helicopter. Action Man McGee (that’s his name – I know he probably has another name, but fuck you, it’s Action Man McGee) sees that there is a likely cute-ish blonde in trouble. He tells his guys that he plans to fuck their orders with a kabob made of several porcupines and he’s going to tie himself to a rope, pull out his guns and leap out of the helicopter toward the cute-ish, now infected, blonde.

And this is what it looks like.

Guys. I laughed my motherfuckin’ balls and ass off. Both balls. Both cheeks. All on the floor. This movie has everything wrong with it. From this guy with his clinched eyes shut while firing two-fisted while repelling from a hovering helicopter to save a single civilian being chased by a literal ton of zombies, to Jill Valentine introducing herself in sexy heels and sexy gun-toting tough girl attitude at the police station that I really do not know why she went there only to tell a pimp that she’s leaving town and she suggests he does the same, to ridiculous slow motion, to a truly awful Euro trash techno soundtrack that doesn’t know when to get off the back of the listener who died several minutes ago from its terribleness, this movie IS your typical “bad movie night” kind of action schlock.

I’m only 11 minutes in.

This asshole shoots every zombie with perfect precision. To finish off the final zombie, he high kicks that motherfucker in the face. The girl then won’t step away from the edge of the building. Action Man McGee says, “Yo, babe, step away from the edge.” She’s like, “It’s not good, man. I been bit.” He’s like, “Yeah, but the awesomeness of my dick energy from that jump out of the helicopter, the shooting all the zombies without missing, and me kicking that one motherfucker in the face will cure you!”

She jumps.

Back at the entrance into the protected, quarantined zone, Jill shows up and another cop is like, “Yo, Valentine! I’m glad you’re here! We could use your help!” Sure. A guy collapses and starts to convulse. I’ve seen enough zombie movies to know that this guy is only having a seizure. He’ll be fine. But the main dude at the Umbrella Corporation running this zone, we’ll call him Michael J. Fillion, ain’t so sure.

Well, color me surprised, this dude is not having a seizure, he’s a zombie. He ends up biting the guy who tells Jill they could use the help. I mean, I guess he could totally use the help. Michael J. Fillion closes the door and says in a very evil sounding European accent that he has closed off the quarantined zone to stop the risk of infection. He then orders his men to fire on the crowd.

Have I yet mentioned that I’m not so sure I appreciate the idea of arming corporations with military-level artillery?

Apparently one of the VIPs that Umbrella was extracting at the start of the bad shit is a Dr. Ashford. His daughter was in the SUV that got struck by the tanker, and she is MIA. Motherfuckin’ Dr. Ashford hacks into Raccoon City’s CCTV cameras and checking out the various streets. On the screen, he’s got a picture of his daughter next to the camera as if that will help him determine if this one blobby figure on the screen is indeed his little girl. Oh, fuck it. Sure. Whatever.

He does see that Alice is wandering the streets. We switch to Alice who goes into an Army Surplus store and gets herself a very Milla Jovovich tiny tank top and some low-rise jeans. She collapses in pain and we see something crawling around in her arm. She has more of those flashbacks like she did in the first movie where she’s trying to remember what happened after those dudes grabbed her, Matt, and E.T. and loaded her up into a biohazard truck. I’m really glad we’re going back to formula here with confused Milla looks, slow motion, and high exposure flashbacks with nefarious shit going on.

They did indeed inject her with some shit and that’s what she’s having flashbacks to. I’m also guessing that’s what crawling around inside her. I can only guess at these things because I’m pretty sure she never sees things crawling under her skin for the rest of the franchise.

I hate to do this because goddammit, it’s not exactly fair, but I’m gonna do it. Milla Jovovich doesn’t even look the same as she did in the earlier scene ripped from the first movie. Her hair seems longer, or thicker, it’s certainly more grown in on her left side where she had bits shaved away to have things stuck in her brain. Her hair isn’t even the same color. It’s like… red now. I would even say that her entire face looks different. Like, you can see she’s a couple years older now, maybe she’s gained or lost weight. I dunno, but she doesn’t quite look like the same person she did earlier that day.

Heh… maybe that’s what that shit is they injected her with.

Anyway, Jill, Cop Friend (that’s his name, don’t correct me), and News Reporter Lady (that’s also her name, don’t correct me) have decided to hole up in a church for protection. They hear spooky moans and groans so Jill decides she’s gonna go check that out. But she does that after using a single hand to pull out a matchbook, ready a match and flick it lit like a total fuckin’ badass.

Jill Valentine, at least in this movie, I don’t remember enough about her personality in the game, is a very classic “tough girl” from the early 2000s era of action schlock. You know this movie was written by a guy (Anderson). You know that he probably sold Guillory on this movie by saying she’s going to do all these cool things. You know that Guillory thought this would be fun and awesome being a tough guy, er, gal. But it’s a bad character. There’s no femininity to Valentine at all. I mean, yes, I know… One does not have to be feminine or masculine to be a woman or man or anything else in between. I know this. However, I don’t think you have to change anything in the lines to make Jill Valentine Jack Valentine. Obviously, you gotta change the wardrobe (unless the actor likes the idea of tube top, short skirt, and sexy heels), but aside from that, you don’t get any impression that this person is anything other than a male action star that happens to be played by a woman at this moment.

Oh yeah, spooky groans are coming from the rectory where the priest is feeding his sister who has turned. Sister gets excited breaks free and Jill throws the preacher in the way of the lunge and he gets eaten and she shoots both of them. In the church, there’s yet another monster crawling around the walls. A fourth guy who was seeking shelter in the church is totally there to be eaten. Sure enough, he is.

If there are positives I can give Resident Evil: Apocalypse, it’s that this movie has not stopped for a single second since it started. It is only 93 minutes long, and it ain’t got no time for any story to get in the way of the plot. All the shit I said just a moment ago about this being top tier “bad movie night” stuff? It’s that too. This is a shockingly terrible movie to the point that it is hilarious to keep up with. We’re already at the end of the first act and there’s no sign of there being any kind of cohesive plot.

How do I know that? Simple. First, it’s not got one. “Oh, but Geoff! Surely this movie has something to do with something bad that Umbrella is doing for no conceivable reason other than to kill a whole bunch of people!” Well, sure. Okay. But this movie is comprised of a handful of little ideas and little plots that, when all added up, doesn’t mean it equals a true plot. It’s just action, masturbatory poses, and just the worst slow motion effects you will ever see. What’s keeping me engaged is all the things the movie does wrong.

And then this happens…

At least Jill asked the very question I had because the two action parties do not know each other at this point! Alice is a complete unknown person to the police duo and certainly no one knows that reporter lady. Why Alice came barreling into the church through the stain glass (which surely will let in more zombies) is completely unknown. Can she track the monsters? Is she aware that the monster was there all along and just now coming back from a grocery run to finish off the extermination? Did she think she had to take out that window for renovation purposes? What is happening in this movie?

Please, Resident Evil: Apocalypse… show me more.

We get zero rest before the next stupid thing happens. The pimp (or whatever he was), and the only reason, that I can ascertain, that Jill went to the police station earlier, is doing what she advised, getting the fuck out of town. He’s in a car cruising the streets. He sees a zombie cop, and speeds up to hit him. He then sees some zombie strippers with their titties out and he wrecks his car. I mean… I get it. Those are some nice dead mommy milkers, and they probably are better than what the typical Tuesday night lineup is at the strip club that I’m assuming is called Bushy Tales because Raccoons have bushy tails.

Elsewhere in the city that is totally not a tiny ass set that is being filmed on, Action Man McGee is fighting off more zombies and needing backup. Dr. Ashford is just watching back at the base camp because I guess this is at least as interesting as whatever HBO might be showing right now. So Action Man McGee and his crew is in one part of the city. Dr. Ashford, who is apparently a scientist with a missing daughter, but is content to use Raccoon City’s CCTV system to watch the other parts of the movie, is in another part of the city. And then Alice, Jill, Cop Friend, and News Reporter Lady are in the graveyard.

Maybe not the place I would pick to go during a zombie apocalypse, but I digress.

Cop Friend makes a hurty sound and suddenly, we get more late 90s/early 00s actiony bullfuck!

Alice says that they need to do something about Cop Friend sooner than later. He’s going to turn. He’s going to become one of them. He’s going to try to eat his friends. Jill isn’t ready to go down that path. This standoff is just the worst cool action thing that was so common during action flicks of the era. The zoom in, and the tough talk between to indeterminately female characters is just the icing on the cake.

Oh yeah, so graveyard? Yeah, monsters start coming out of the ground. They nearly get the News Reporter Lady, but they are defeated with Milla Jovovich’s kung fu skills. Also, Jill Valentine has kung fu skills. I’m waiting for zombies to have kung fu skills at this point.

Umbrella Corporation realizes that the T-virus infestation is well beyond their control, So Michael J. Fillion decides it is time to unleash Project Nemesis. I… I don’t know what they think that will do? Are they hoping for a bigger monster to clear out the smaller monsters? Are they completely stupid and just want to see how much fuckery they can release into the world at once? How would this help capitalism? If you kill everything, you have nothing to collect capital from.

I didn’t mention this but Action Man McGee is is played by Oded Fehr. He’s done at least one better thing than this – The Mummy. He was Ardeth Bey – which was the name of Boris Karloff’s character in the original 1932 version. What makes that interesting is that Ardeth Bey in the 1999 version, and its sequel, was a good guy. I just wanted to bring that up because I like that movie. This movie, on the other hand, is balls.

We meet the Nemesis. And it’s every bit as goofy as you would expect. He’s a big giant monster man who kind of looks like Kilowog from the Green Lantern comics. I want him to call someone a “poozer”. He’s a big scary monster thing and he has a cool(?) fetish outfit(!) and a motherfuckin’ bazooka. Oh, he also has video game vision. He can see how many people in his sights are from S.T.A.R.S. (which I believe is what Jill actually washed out of… maybe) and who is a civilian. Back at base camp, the Umbrella people are seeing the same thing Nemesis is. So, yeah, to them I suppose it is a video game.

So ol’ Rawhead Rex here is nigh invincible. The S.T.A.R.S. guys are pumping Nemesis full of lead. The people back at the command center alter his programming to kill these guys and he does so with about 1000 bullets. His video game vision says he did a good job because all those guys are dead.

Dr. Ashford calls a pay phone and tells Alice the following things:
1. His daughter is missing.
2. They can help him get her.
3. They probably should want to do this.
4. Because Umbrella knows they can’t contain this shit.
5. And plan to nuke the town at sunrise.

And now we get their next mission briefing. Alice says what they have to do and relay it all to us at the same time. Jill is pretty buggered by the idea of her town being flattened in a matter of hours. News Report Lady is also pretty bummed. Cop Friend is like, “Yeah, let’s get this girl and get the fuck outta here.”

As they make their way to the girl’s school where, I guess, she’s hiding out, Nemesis finds them and kills Cop Friend and begins shooting at Jill. You see… Jill and Cop Friend are S.T.A.R.S. peoples. Alice tells everyone to hide and she decides to take on Nemesis herself. Action ensues.

I guess this is what you’d call the price of admission, but it breaks off fast. Alice is able to escape Nemesis, but apparently, Alice is indeed connected to this Nemesis thing because Michael J. Fillion says a thing that I think is meant to be a thing and it’s important, but whatever. She knows what it is. It knows what she is. They fight. Things go boom.

There is a great little jump scare that I do admit got me. News Reporter Lady and Jill are trying to hotwire a car to get the fuck out of Dodge, and Jill is just about to be able to take a quiet moment to finally process Cop Friend’s death. Especially because News Reporter Lady says she’s sorry that her friend got killed by a giant monster with a ridiculous amount of bullets and a bazooka. Just then, BAM! Cop Friend zombie shows up and tries to eat the ladies. Good work movie. You got me once. I do not expect to be gotten again.

But that’s kind of part of the big problem with these movies up to this point, hasn’t it? The games are known for exactly two things – first, the ease at which it built scares and atmosphere to the point the player was either on the edge of their seats or they were pissing their pants, and, second, that big tall vampire lady that everyone wants to have step on their balls (myself included). These movies aren’t very scary and they are not doing a great job of building suspense through atmosphere. Maybe I’m looking at this through the scope of 2021 vision, but zombies are kind of boring. Nemesis is ridiculous, but kind of cool, but is introduced in no way that builds any kind of real edge of your seat kind of tension. The game balances action and horror. This movie can’t balance action with dumber action.

Jill, News Reporter Lady, and Pimp Guy (who just ran into the ladies on the street and is now with them for, I suppose, either the rest of this movie or the rest of his life – whichever comes first. They go to the school and we see a little tease of what’s to come as Raccoon City K-9 units responded and the kennels in the back of the cars have been torn open and what ever was in there escaped.

Maybe the truly most haunting thing in the movie happens in the school. As News Reporter Lady searches for Angela Ashford, she goes into a classroom and sees little bloody hand prints all over the wall. Now THAT is what we needed more of. Sadly, it’s kind of lost in noise of the action elements of the movie. News Reporter Lady finds a little girl, but it’s a little zombie girl. She’s followed by a bunch of zombie kids, and our pretty News Reporter Lady is gobbled up. When Jill goes to find News Reporter Lady, she finds Angela (who likes to go by “Angie” – which Jill says she likes, you know, in case you were wondering).

I don’t exactly trust this. Angie was apparently hiding in the very room in which News Reporter Lady got gobbled up. She’s British. Speaks in a very measured and soft tone. And seems to know a whole lot about what these kids do with their food. There’s something to this little girl, isn’t there?

In the cafeteria, Jill assures Angie they can get around the slow ass human zombies no sweat. Angie isn’t so much worried about them as she is the zombie dogs hanging out in there having some nom noms. I have to wonder if anyone is gonna kick a dog in the face. But no… Action Man McGee’s pal is there to save Jill from scary dogs. But he gets eaten up. Also, I should mention that Action Man McGee has also been bitten in an earlier scene, so he’s a problem waiting to happen.

The resolution to the dog situation is handled in exactly the dumb way you might expect. In the school kitchen, Jill turns on all the gas, and does that super badass thing she does with matches by taking one out, and flicking it alight. She then tosses it behind her and… the match goes out. BUT! As she and Angie come through the doors, Alice is there and she’s smoking a cigarette because she’s a cool kid who smokes at school. She flicks the cigarette in and explodes the dogs.

Alice takes one look at Angie and says she’s mega infected. Jill is curious how Alice knows that. Angie says because Alice is also mega infected. Dr. Ashford created the T-virus so the same illness that makes him have to live in a wheelchair doesn’t affect his daughter. So she got the T-virus, and she’s better because she takes the antivirus on a regular basis. I’m guessing something like that is going on with Alice too. However, when Umbrella found out about this breakthrough, they took it form Ashford and started doing more nefarious shit with it.

Dr. Ashford tells Alice where to go get the helicopter. It’s gonna be at city hall and it will take off in like 46 minutes. Michael J. Fillion finds out that Ashford has been setting things in motion in the city, so he says some evil shit, and things seem to be in bad shape.

Our heroes head toward city hall to take the chopper and get out before the nuke comes and rains death and destruction on everything. On the way, Alice gives Action Man McGee the antivirus and explains how it works? I guess? It really didn’t work on Michelle Rodriguez the other day. I’m not sure how it is supposed to work now. Alice talks about how she’s also infected, but tells Action Man McGee that she’s not contagious and gives a look like she wants to find the first hotel room that they can utterly destroy with their sex fluids.

Jill gives Alice New Reporter Lady’s camera and she records the opening moments of the movie where Alice introduces herself and talks about what she did and what have you. They plan to get the word out about everything. The good guys get to the Raccoon City city hall and begin to take out people in order to take over the helicopter. However, there’s still 30 minutes left of this movie and bad guys are gonna do bad guy things.

That tension goes right the fuck out the door because Alice is up there clearing out the snipers. Then this funny shit happens:

Look at her go!

She comes down and takes out like 23 motherfuckers and it doesn’t matter that they are wearing helmets because when you punch a guy in the face while he’s still wearing a helmet, he can feel it and react as if he’s been punched in the face without a helmet. The helicopter is not there for normal peoples. It’s there for Nemesis. As it turns out, Michael J. Fillion is waiting for them there too. They take Angie as a hostage with the others and they plan to have Alice and Nemesis, like, do a bloodsport on each other. Michael J. Fillion wants to know which one of them is the better creation of Umbrella. The big giant monster dude. The still very pretty human lady. Both full of T-viruses in their T-zones. Both genetic freaks.

Alice is like, “No. Fuck off, dude.” And Michael J. Fillion says if they don’t fight, he’ll have Jill, the pimp guy, Action Man McGee, Angie, and Dr. Ashford killed. Alice says, “What makes you think I care?” So Michael J. Fillion shoots Dr. Ashford in the fucking face.

Oopsie.

Are there good guys in these movies? Everyone is so full of machismo that I can’t say I think there are any good guys in this movie. At the risk of sounding like a douchey YouTube chud, I’m pretty sure there aren’t any good girls in this movie. I only say that following up on what I said about Jill Valentine earlier. All these characters are from the male gaze. There are no people of different perspectives or genders. They are all guys. Just some of them are played by women.

Anyway, Alice has made a little girl cry because she made it so her dad was brutally murdered in front the little girl’s eyes. That’s fucked up for our hero to do, yes? But oh… There’s a fight. Nemesis vs. Alice and we’re suddenly made to care again because Alice starts piecing it together what we knew forever ago – Nemesis is Matt from the previous movie. So she cries and I guess we care about what hurts HER because she’s our hero.

This movie sucks.

Alice refuses to finish Nemesis off. Michael J. Fillion says Alice is important to him. She’s some sort of evolution because she’s bonded on a molecular level. He tells her that she’s truly special and that Nemesis is an evolutionary dead end. Hearing this, Nemesis gets mad. When he’s supposed to kill Alice, he kills all the Umbrella bros. with the help of Alice. Meanwhile, Action Man McGee and Jill cut their ties and join in on the action fight. Additionally, the pimp guy has commandeered the helicopter… somehow. Another chopper appears to try to kill Alice. The nuclear launch has been brought up to happen in five minutes. Alice is able to escape because Nemesis bazookas the chopper. She gets knocked out but saved by her friends.

They toss Michael J. Fillion out of the helicopter where he’s attacked by zombies, including the resurrected Dr. Ashford who gets the first bite in on his throat. They get away just in time before a nuke explodes over Raccoon City, and that’s probably going to lead to some sort of inquiry from the government. A big pipe or sword or machete or something flies toward Angie but Alice gets in the way and takes it for her. The chopper gets all kinds of fucked up and they are headed for a crash. Two hours later, an Umbrella Corporation search team arrives. Another vaguely European guy (this movie has a very distinct feel of it being made in Europe to save on cash) orders up a medical evacuation for Alice. No other bodies were found.

Jill and Action Man McGee did survive because the video was released. We see a montage of breaking news saying that Umbrella has been implicated in the deaths of many citizens of Raccoon City that eventually led to the nuclear tragedy. But wait a minute… Nope, Umbrella was like, “Wasn’t me.” Then the news stories change to say the truth was it was all an elaborate hoax and sick joke played and what actually happened was that a nuclear power plant reactor meltdown is what led to the tragedy and death.

Do I really want to go down the 2021 rabbit hole and how I suspect people would act if that was the story that was being reported?

Three weeks after the incident, we find out that a medical facility has an Alice in a tank kind of like Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back, but only this time around we see Milla Jovovich’s naked tits. She’s fully regenerated her messed up cells and I guess she’s technically either a zombie now or just more or less immortal. But she’s also basically a child too. She can barely speak, she doesn’t remember much of anything. Suddenly, her memories begin flooding back in and she remembers everything and begins fucking everyone up.

She decides to walk out of the facility. It’s apparent this is becoming a trope of Alice leaving hospitals barely clothed. It turns out she has picked up a few new powers too. It appears she can turn the world on with her smile because she changes all the security feeds to focus in on her and she looks at the camera and gives the security guard a bloody nose and eyes and everything. Outside, Jill, Pimp Dude, and Action Man McGee pull up in a real official looking SUV and flash some papers and take her out of there.

Something gets activated and she gets video game vision like Nemesis.

And that was all there was to this series. Nothing more happens. Nothing more occurs. This was certainly not a box office success and everyone lost interest.

Wait… What’s that?

It did?

FUCKING SHIT! $130 Million?!?

FOUR MORE MOVIES?

Yeah. This shit just keeps going for four more installments. This is a very bad movie. It feels cheap. It feels rushed. It does very little to give anyone any fuzzy feelings that the bad guys are defeated. The editing, some of the effects (though Nemesis is pretty bad ass if I do say so myself), and the slow motion are terrible. This movie is just something that no one can possibly take seriously, but I know a lot of young dudes did. This is the type of movie series that speaks on a deep level to teenage and early 20s disaffected boys who just want might is right in their movies filled with people who have constant chips on their shoulders. While these movies were going on, the Fast and Furious series was off and running too, but there’s a huge difference in the two series.

Fast and Furious appeals to the same types of people, but they are full of fun and the good guys win in the end and there’s an adventure and friendships made that makes the journey worth it. This is something of a cross between sullen goth attitude mixed with tribal tattoos and shitty heavy metal. It’s all skin deep and fake and just a lot of bullshit.

I don’t know if any of that makes any sense, but my brain is oozing out of my ears right now, so I think it might be best to bring this in for a landing so we can get to the next installment. That next installment is Resident Evil: Extinction. I… I don’t have anything left to say about that. It’s just… That’s what’s next.

If I can say something that is nice about this series is that there are only two films that are at or over 100 minutes. The first and the last. The ones in between range from 93 minutes to 97. These movies know when to hit the eject and close out the movie and get people out of the goddamn theater.

So come back here in a week for the third installment of this franchise. If you want to stay up to date on the happenings at B-Movie Enema, be sure to follow B-Movie Enema on Facebook and Twitter and you’ll know when things are happening when. Also be sure to hop over to YouTube and subscribe to the channel because tomorrow, October 2, B-Movie Enema: The Series is here with a new episode where I’ll host The Love Butcher. Be sure to watch that and you’ll also see all the little clips and such that I use in articles too.

Until then, be safe, watch out for zombies and Nemeses and, you know… Maybe be careful around people named Alice.

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