Picasso Trigger (1988)

Welcome to yet another new year and a new slate of B-Movie Enema goodness. I decided I’d kick off 2022 with a whole month dedicated to our dearest friend, Andy Sidaris. To be fair, this is a little bit of a makeup for how much I’ve neglected poor Andy. Sidaris should be covered as much as possible at a website called B-Movie Enema, and, thus far, I’ve only done so twice. Once for Malibu Express waaaay back in 2016. Then, a second time for the world renown Hard Ticket to Hawaii last year.

So the fuck am I doin’ around here? Where’s the Andy? Where’s the beefcake, the cheesecake, the fun, and the explosions?

January 2022 will be Andy Sidaris Month, goddammit! We’re just going to keep ripping through his boobtacular action series picking right up with the third film in the BBB (Bullets, Bombs, and Babes) Series with Picasso Trigger. This movie sees the return of the incredibly lovely duo of Dona Spier, as the appropriately named Donna, and Hope Marie Carlton (one of my faves from this series), as Taryn. It also introduces yet another Abilene, Travis, played by Steve Bond (cool name, can’t be real).

In fact, you can probably say that this is more of an Abilene family trilogy more than anything. Cody was in the first film, Malibu Express. Then, it was Rowdy in Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Now, it’s Travis. I like that the crazy Abilene family tree is kind of bonkers and has all these goofy boys who all work for the same agency. Now, a part of me is happy that the Abilenes will make their appearance throughout this month like a warm blanket on a cold January night. However, the next Abilene we’ll meet next week will keep returning – and have a much lesser actual role than the previous ones. It’s kind of fucking up the comedic formula of having a different Abilene in each movie. Come on, Andy! You gotta keep up the formula, man!

But enough about that! I want these babes with the bullets and bombs to blow my balls boff… er, I mean off! I also want to drool a little bit over Hope Marie Calrton, so…

That’s the stuff right there. Okay, let’s get rolling here on Picasso Trigger and get reacquainted with Donna and Taryn!

There are three things I really appreciate about Andy Sidaris movies. First and foremost, he wastes absolutely ZERO time putting the title up on the screen with “An Andy Sidaris Film” right under the title. That’s devotion to owning your craft. Next, the title itself, “Picasso Trigger”, is the name of a character. That’s dedication to give something that feels like a Bond film in your Cinemax late night titty flick. Thirdly? Another character is named Pantera. Rad.

The credits end and we are taken to Paris, France. That’s where the naked ladies dance! A black car cruises through the city and around other loser normal Parisians and arrives at the home of a man who is receiving a package from one Miguel Ortiz. Apparently this guy, who is played by the same guy who previously played Seth Romero in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, is telling this rich man in the French mansion that he’s happy to report that that the two government agents who were responsible for his brother’s capture will soon be dead.

But wait… question. Is TV man here Seth Romero’s brother? If so, did Seth change his name, or did Miguel here change his name? He calls his brother a different name, so maybe it’s just coincidence that this Ortiz fella and the Romero guy look somewhat alike if you give Seth Romero a beard and big 80s drug dealer glasses. Anyway, the deal is that they need to strike against the agents who are in Texas. The guy who watched this tape from Ortiz has a mysterious L-shaped scar on his chest.

We now follow him to some sort of fancy thing that might be at a mall or a business complex or something. He gets there and everyone is seemingly all excited to hear with the white man in the black tux has to say about something or another. It’s a very white rich person thing. Trust me, I see it all the time in my regular high society life as a B-Movie blogger. Anyway, what’s he got to talk about? What is this little soiree here for? Oh, it’s for an art thing. Okay, neat. Maybe our guy here is like a Thomas Crown type, but, not for art stealing, for drug bad guy stuff.

Let’s see the piece…

Yeah. So this dumb fish painting is the “Picasso Trigger”. But wait. The credits specifically said a guy in this movie is playing Picasso Trigger. Are… Are they going to make that fucking fish talk? Is that going to say really punny jokes while it hangs on the wall and just keep talking and reacting to motion until the batteries run down and it starts to sound demonic? What the hell here, guys?

So, yeah… This fish is apparently important. This rich guy had a brush with death (hence the scar on his chest). While he was undergoing the long recuperative process, he stared at the painting and contemplated life and the meaning of it all, etc. Now he’s donating it because it’s important.

Sadly, it is not going to become a bad holiday gift idea for your fisherman uncle and start talking in this movie. No. There’s this super hot lady who is there to watch the event. She dumps exposition for us. She tells him, and by him, I mean us, that the last time he had a press gathering like this, he got indicted for being a bad guy or something. Also, HE is actually Picasso Trigger… Or at least that is his spy guy codename. He says he has found a life that he can lead now that will be free from inhibition. He wants her to share in this freedom he’s found. She thinks he’s talking like a guy who’s planning on kicking the bucket soon. But she also says she thinks he’ll be around forever.

These are very confusing lines, but she’s not confusingly beautiful.

Maybe he’ll plan on being around forever by transferring his essence into the painting to become a talking fish painting. If that’s his plan, then he needs to have already done it because he goes outside to have a smoke and he gets gunned down by a guy kind of dressed like a priest sitting in the sidecar of a motorcycle. These are things I’ve now typed in an article. On the internet. For other people to try to understand.

Now, let’s go out to Texas. Here, we see a guy calling out to Honolulu to speak with one Travis Abilene who is relaxing on a very much smaller version of the Malibu Express. The guy in Texas calls himself “Uncle Long Dong” – and now I think he should definitely get one of those stupid talking fish things for Christmas with a name like that. Anyway, he tells Travis that Picasso Trigger has been killed. I’m not sure why that’s a thing Travis has to be told, or why this movie is named after a guy who doesn’t survive the second scene of the film, but whatever. I’ll probably start seeing some sexiness soon.

Now, we go to Las Vegas for that sexiness. There, we watch the dance stylings of Kym and Patticakes. They come out in sexy cowgirl outfits and dance around and do somersaults and shake their titties for the collected dudes in the club. These girls are probably real acts in Vegas because their real names really are Kym and Patty. There are a couple dumpy agents here who are getting replaced on a mission by two other agents and they seem kind of over it all. Some bad guys at this club have these trackers that they place into complimentary corsages that a waitress places into these agents’ lapels. This allows for the bad guys to chase these two guys by helicopter and the agents get blown up in maybe one of the most beautifully shot cars on fire moments in all of cinema.

Maybe these two goofs were the people who did the thing to Ortiz’s brother. Anyway, we now go to Molokai and to a familiar place – Edy’s restaurant. Edy is a contact that Donna and Taryn used in the previous movie. That’s also where the best damn football interview ever happened. Anyway, two more agents are there talking about some big deal mission that’s gone down. Ortiz is there too. Ortiz’s main goon pays for the two agents to receive leis. Naturally, these also have trackers and a couple more bad guys hunt down the agents and kill them.

I appreciate this movie trying this intrigue angle to kick things off. I do. I really do. However, this is very confusing. I don’t know enough about who Ortiz’s brother was and why Ortiz is a big time bad guy. I don’t know why he killed his own buddy, Picasso Trigger. I’m not sure what’s really going on. The previous films spent some exposition time, but we’re nearing the 20 minute mark and we’ve not seen our two main heroines or gotten a cohesive plot.

The good news is that we are now getting to our main event. The next targets are not that far away in Honolulu. The primary target is there, and she testified against Ortiz’s brother. And now, we finally see our two lovely leading ladies – in all their teeny tiny white lace lingerie. Taryn won’t get out of bed. Donna needs to take a shower. I love how these two girls, which, by the way, Taryn is not an agent like Donna is, are just hanging out on a boat, in lingerie you would absolutely not wear with your gal pal just bumming around on the water, and are just hanging out in ways you really probably wouldn’t expect these two to be in.

Like, I get they had that one adventure with Seth Romero, right? Okay, they bonded during that, I’m sure. That said, it wasn’t so much they were really friends. Donna was keeping an eye on Taryn. Taryn is part of the Witness Protection Program, and the best way for Donna to keep that eye on her was to give her a job as a shuttle pilot at her company – that also doubled as her own cover. I didn’t really think they were super friendly outside of Donna’s mission and the two of them being work buddies. But here they are in lacy undergarments just hanging out in a situation on a boat out at sea that would otherwise be meant to seem romantic.

But don’t get me wrong… I’m not exactly complaining here.

So we spend a couple minutes watching Dona Spier shower slowly and sensually while Hope Marie Carlton gets out of her lingerie and into her Body Glove swimsuit to go diving for… something. Maybe diamonds. It’s probably diamonds. Anyway, the girls swim to a rocky coast to talk about the samples they picked up. Meanwhile, the bad guys who killed the other two agents are camped out to fly an explosive radio controlled airplane into the girls’ boat. The girls just sit there watching the toy plane blow up their boat and say, “Hey! That could have been us!” They also say, “I guess we better get back to the boss and try to figure out what might be going on with this very confusing situation that just occurred.”

I’m paraphrasing but you get it.

Speaking of a boss, Uncle Big Dick, or whatever it is he called himself, is meant to be the next target, but the goons blow up the Jeep with Long Balls McGraw’s ranch hand instead. He calls Travis and tells him that he’s gonna lay low while the bad guys think he’s dead. He’s not too broken up about the death of Jose the ranch hand. He has Travis go out to Texas to meet up with him, but he’s to take a private jet as to not be in a more exposed situation. Donna and Taryn make their way to whoever it is they need to see. Taryn postulates that her cover might be blown. Donna says that wouldn’t be possible because the federal government would NEVER allow that to happen. Honey child, the federal government can barely make it so people can get regular employment and living wages, they are surely going to bungle Taryn’s cover.

Travis goes to Dallas to meet up with the deep cover agent who had been closely hanging out with Picasso Trigger – Pantera. She was the babe earlier who dumped exposition. Meanwhile, Taryn and Donna are on their way back to Molokai. They contact our old friend Jade, who was previously seen in Hard Ticket assuming someone was on some heavy doobies. But fuck all that noise for the moment. It’s time for an Abilene to get his dick wet in Texas.

Now, there’s a twist here. Travis and Agent Pantera here are old flames from high school. I think they plan to rekindle that, but Frankie Avalon here is a bit of a goof. He’s missing the natural charisma of your Ronn Moss or Darby Hinton. He almost looks like your buddy’s friend that thinks he’s super cool and good with the ladies, but he’s kind of a creep, and definitely will call you a pussy if you don’t bring home a girl from a night at the bar. Roberta Vasquez (Pantera), is going to be someone we’ll see a lot over the next several Sidaris films. I’m not sure if she’s playing the same character in those other entries, but she’s credited as Nicole Justin in those films. I don’t know if that’s who she is here, but I prefer the name Pantera.

While we get a little more of their backstory and what happened to their relationship originally while they go out for drinks, a couple goons seemingly come into the bar to watch them. But I guess they shake them relatively fast because soon we are watching Travis and Pantera look for “5 Minutes Alone” so he can take “This Love” to “A New Level”. While there, he’ll prove he has a “Mouth for War” to make things “Goddamn Electric” so she can go ahead and assert her “Domination” and ride him like “Cowboys from Hell” and eventually she’ll “Becoming” all over the place.

Also… Butt.

I’m not sure what happened to the goons because the next day, Pantera and Travis go to meet Daddy Long Ding Ding at a restaurant. Pantera explains to Long Duck Dong that Ortiz will be picking off not just agents but also any civilians who might have been involved in the case. Soon, the two goons from the night before come into the diner. Travis tells Pantera to learn her place and stay behind. As it turns out, the old man that has been working and ordering all these agents around is L.G. Abilene, because of course it is. He is truly Travis’ uncle. Whether or not he’s got a big dick, I really hope to not find out. L.G. and Travis lead the goons on a boat chase. Because Travis is an Abilene, he’s a shit shot.

While the chase is going, Pantera cannot be put into a corner. She follows with another boat to, I dunno, head them off at the pass or something. Anyway, we learn that she didn’t wear a bra that day because she stands up and her off the shoulder, tight top has a couple extra bumps in there. What makes this great is that Andy did us a favor by first focusing on her driving the boat. Then she stops the boat, and stands upright. It’s then Andy must have realized that she’s got a titty hard on, and there’s a quick zoom out to catch the moment on film.

It’s a cool shot, and something that makes Roberta Vasquez look great and kind of bad ass, but it kills me to think that Andy realized what was going on under that black fabric and was frantically telling the cinematographer to zoom out.

Anyway, Travis is suck with a gun. Pantera is not though. She pulls out a rifle, and assembles it and shoots the gunman Travis couldn’t get. L.G. handles the boat’s driver. L.G. heads to Washington to get the government stuff handled. Travis says he’s going to assemble the best team ever. So he calls Jade and tells him to get on the next flight to Vegas with Taryn, Donna, and Edy and they are going to go take care of some business.

SMASH CUT to a title card that reads “THURSDAY”. Travis and Pantera meet with a whole room of babes and studs to find Ortiz’s crew. One guy they need to find is the guy who ran the club earlier where Kym and Patticakes work. His deal is that he likes to make snuff films. The latest victim was a girl we saw earlier applying for a job with the smut dealer. Jade and Edy is told to go after the guy who launders all the money for this operation. This group is basically going to all partner up and go after each person they have some access to. Ultimately, there are about ten people they have to go after. Pantera is confused why Travis is sending Donna and Taryn after Ortiz. She thinks Travis should go after the most formidable target. Apparently Donna and Pantera don’t like each other.

Now, far be it for me to have to overthink these movies from Mr. Sidaris, but Donna seems jealous of Pantera. She asks Travis if he knows her at all. She asks him if he loves her. She seems to be very territorial of Travis. Okay… But just one movie (one year) ago, Donna was Rowdy Abilene’s love interest and he hers. Does she just plan on screwing every Abilene or is she looking after a friend?

Travis accuses Donna of being jealous of Pantera. Donna says she doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body. She then invites him to check it out for himself.

Travis obliges her by indeed checking out her skeleton for jealous bones.

Is Travis supposed to be Rowdy? Rowdy, believe it or not, would be someone’s normal name. It wouldn’t be a nickname. Well, I suppose it is short for Rowdtholomew, but it isn’t, “Hi, I’m Rowdy, but you can call me Travis.” So I guess Donna just doesn’t mind being passed around the Abilene family like so much cups of sugar.

Anyway, Taryn flies the Molokai plane back to Hawaii from Las Vegas alone in the middle of this mission in Vegas to go visit her golfer boyfriend so she can have him putt his balls into her hole. Travis and Donna fuck on the private jet back to Hawaii too. In Vegas, Kym and Patticakes are zeroing on her target – the snuff filmmaker. Smutty McSmutsmut offers them a job to take their show on the road – inasmuch as he wants to kill them in a snuff film. After Travis and Donna fuck, Travis has a moment of empty balls clarity and realizes that in between the time that Picasso Trigger was in his charity event and when he was shot outside, he put his watch on his other wrist. I think that means that Picasso Trigger faked his death or something? But if that’s the case… Did someone else die in that shooting?

Oh what the hell. This scene is part of that section of all these movies in which Andy Sidaris gets his chance to have a Hitchcock moment by appearing as the opponent in Taryn’s boyfriend’s golf game, everyone has a fuck break where everyone’s getting naked and fucking, and they get armed up by gadget guy the “Professor”. It’s a moment to have a little bit of a breather. But it also gives me a chance to ask a few questions – with only one being the most important and most in need of being answered. If everyone knows that there’s this indisputable network of sleazeballs doing bad things, then why can’t they have already brought these people down? I’m being serious. I know in the real world, you’d have lots of red tape and concern over the resources for someone to be too well lawyered up. Okay, sure. However, one guy makes fucking snuff films. And you know it. I feel like that’s the one guy you can pluck and it would ultimately unravel this whole Ortiz crime syndicate, yes?

Right? Girls? Guys? Wouldn’t the snuff filmmaker be the easiest to take down to start destroying the crime thingy?

I mean… don’t trip over yourselves coming up with an answer. I can be patient.

It’s time for all the plans to go into place. We’ve got Kym and Patticakes already engaged with the snuff guy. Taryn and Donna are already planning their attack on the Ortiz compound. I guess maybe Travis is out looking at that discrepancy with Picasso Trigger’s watch on the wrong arm. He might be balls deep in Pantera for all I know. I dunno. That’s because I have no idea what Pantera is up to. The last time we saw her was in the debriefing and her complaining that Donna got the job to go after Ortiz. She’s probably just hanging out at a Dairy Queen having a Blizzard for all I know.

Then we have Edy and Jade. They are going after some dude who is the finance guy or something. They are going to pose as telephone company people so they can get access to the money guy’s office suite. So they come in with their totally normal telephone company worker outfits. Let’s see if they got the kind of uniforms that will definitely make them blend in and not at all seem like strippers…

Jesus fucking Christ this plan is going to fail. In fact, I know this is going to fail because the moment they go into the money man’s office he immediately says, “Who the fuck are you?” They try to pass themselves off as actual phone repair guys, and the money man buys it about as well as I buy that he is an actor. They say they can’t fix it today so they have to come back tomorrow. The guy says that’s fine because they live there. So… I guess after poorly convincing the money guy that they are indeed from the phone company, the guy is like, “Yeah, I’ll be here tomorrow to see you are able to get access to my phones.”

Meanwhile, Patticakes and Kym ALSO set up a “special performance” for the smut guys the following day, on Sunday.

Here’s the thing. It’s not just a ruse any of these people are pulling off. It’s a whole thing. Sunday HAS to be the day they come back. Why? Fuck if I know. Travis said earlier everyone has to make their busts at the exact same time. Why? I’ve already said fuck if I know. This is very convoluted. But here’s the real dagger in all this… I get why the two girls at the club in Vegas and Donna and Taryn are waiting. There’s a natural feel to either side of that. The dancers need to get the attention of the snuff film producer. Donna and Taryn need to get the lay of the compound’s land in Hawaii. That makes sense. However, Jade and Edy’s part of the plan seems… off? Why didn’t they just go there dressed in their phone company outfits ON Sunday? What did they do on Saturday? The answer is not really anything other than to get on the bad side of the money guy they are supposed to be busting. I kind of feel like he knows these two people are not who they say they are, or would at the absolute least have some inkling that something is amiss. I really honestly have NO idea where Pantera and Travis are. For all I know Pantera has completely been jettisoned from the film altogether.

Anyway, it’s Sunday and everyone is doing their plans. Kym and Patticakes begin performing for the snuff film guy. Donna and Taryn are off to fuck up Ortiz and all his minions at his compound. I’m guessing Jade and Edy are going to try the phone company thing again. Travis is somewhere probably fucking something. I assume Pantera is sleeping in because she doesn’t have to work today.

Jade tries arresting the goons, but they immediately beat him up until Jade claws one guy’s eyes out and punches the other guy so hard he kills him. We switch over to Patticakes and Kym making their move. The snuff dudes are all killed fairly quickly to the point of that feeling like it wasn’t even a necessary part of this movie. Back at Jade’s side of the mission, he makes his way to the karate kickin’ money guy in the Ortiz organization and starts doing kung fu. Eventually this happens when Jade finally gets the upper hand…

Jade nearly dies after awesomely tossing a man out of a window when the guy whose eyes got clawed out comes shooting up the office. But Edy comes in for backup and shoots the gunman dead.

Now, here’s where things get stupid. After killing the money man, the perimeter goons that Donna and Taryn need to take out first get a message on their beeper that says the “Monday mission” needs to be aborted. They decide they need to get back to the compound because obviously there is trouble in Vegas. I thought everyone was supposed to be acting at the same time. But here, we already have the news of the money man going plop onto the sidewalk reaching Hawaii. This leads to a bit of a motorbike chase after Taryn shoots one of the goons dead. They need to still deal with the other goon, so Donna pulls out one of their gifts from the Professor – a boomerang that you can stick a clunky explosive to…

I love how much Andy Sidaris gives time for boobs and exploding human beings. No more perfect movie can possibly be made as long as you have those things. Also… Can I just say how much more I love Hope Marie Carlton because she totally exploded a guy with a clunky boomerang?

Never mind that I’m guessing Ortiz heard the exploding guy just a few moments before, but it’s clear something is not right. Ortiz is now deciding he’s going to run everything himself and is saying that he is NOT going to abort the mission. Taryn continues her assault on the Ortiz compound. She blows up a big chunk of it with a radio controlled car with, what else – an explosive rigged to it. She starts shooting people left and aright. She takes a bullet but it’s unclear if she’s wearing body armor because, well, body armor ain’t exactly a sexy accessory in the 80s. The one guy Taryn didn’t kill though is Ortiz. He takes off like a bat out of hell on his little motorbike and starts heading, coincidently, right to the spot on the beach Donna has snorkeled to. He may have brought a machine gun to this fight, but Donna brought explody harpoons…

So multiple people got blown up. Several people were gunned down. One got tossed from a high rise window. I think all the bad guys are dead now. But what’s this? There’s still, like 19 minutes left in this movie! We see L.G. get into his car after getting back from wherever. Donna tells Taryn she needs to contact L.G. because something is up. We finally see Travis and Pantera again. Travis has a brace on his leg and a crutch. Pantera asks him what happened and he says that he sprained it getting out of bed.

Travis is going to go into another location that should mostly be empty and only a fallback for the puppet master behind the scenes to return to if there is a problem. However, there is a problem here. And it’s kind of a twofold problem with this movie called Picasso Trigger and starring a bunch of nudie mag girls and made by a guy who literally only cares about seeing the girls’ tits and blowing up bad guys.

You see… We know that Travis didn’t sprain his ankle. We saw the Professor showing him how that worked during the arming up and getting down sequence of the movie. We already know he knows something is up. The camera is even quite deliberate in showing us that he’s got the crutch he got from the Professor guy. On top of that, there’s something that’s been rolling around for a while in this movie. In fact, since before the scene with the Professor. Donna didn’t trust Pantera. She thinks she’s an outsider and gotten too close to Travis based on their old fling in college. When Travis goes to see Pantera before acting on the final part of his whole plan, Pantera reveals herself with a sinister smirk.

Yeah, Donna all but figured this out way back in the scene in which everyone got their orders and she then went and asked Travis to inspect her skeleton for jealous bones. I would like to say the subtlety of Donna saying she doesn’t quite trust Pantera who suddenly shows up out of the blue is solid. The problem is we’ve not seen her since that scene. We’re learning that there is some sort of puppet master telling people to abort missions and so forth, so who else could have possibly been able to do that or have the knowledge to pass that on go Ortiz and the other bad guys?

It couldn’t be Travis, despite not seeing him for a while in this movie either. He’s an Abilene. He wouldn’t be a traitor. That only leaves two people. The first being Pantera. She shows up unexpectedly in Travis’ life again. She says all the right things. She then disappears after being a little bit of a bitch to Donna. The other is what Travis figured out for himself but hasn’t said anything else since figuring out the ruse – Picasso Trigger. I’m guessing Picasso Trigger twisted Pantera or she was always bad and infiltrated the government agency that all these characters work for.

Now, what L.G. found out is that there is a deep plan for everyone here. L.G. wasn’t meant to be killed. They purposely killed the wrong guy. Sure enough, Travis comes face to face with Picasso Trigger. He explains that he wanted to get the attention of L.G. so he’d gather all the best agents (minus Rowdy and Cody apparently). By having L.G. do that, it would be leading everyone into a trap. Travis tries using his crutch shotgun, but he can’t get the shot off before Picasso drops a plate of glass between them. He takes off and Pantera comes in to see if Travis is okay. It’s all a ruse though because she’s going to kiss him and stab him in the back with a dagger, but Donna comes in time to harpoon that bitch. She tells Travis that Pantera was one of them, and Travis says he knew. He goes after Picasso Trigger in a sweet ass hoverboat vs. jet ski chase.

Of course, Travis fucks up when he has a shot on Picasso Trigger, so it takes Donna doing what she and Taryn does best to finally put an end to this bad guy… Explody gadgets.

So that’s explody gadgets 3, bad guys 0. Donna asks Travis who he thinks the guy who was killed in front of the charity event earlier in the movie. Travis doesn’t know but assumes it’s probably some sap looking for a payday. Donna says at least the real Picasso Trigger is dead. Travis thinks about that ominously for a moment. We then see the weird guy who looks like he dresses like a priest, but actually wears an iron cross, not a cross cross. He was the guy we saw earlier who worked for Picasso Trigger and appeared to kill him earlier on. He loads up the painting of the fish and the actual real Picasso Trigger looking over his dead fuck buddy, Pantera, and quips that women are expendable – as is his iron cross wearing pal. After killing his own butler or assistant or whoever he is, we see that Travis is using the crutch for its other intended purpose, as a fucking rocket launcher. He plans to blow up the Picasso Trigger house in the hopes he’d kill off the real version of him. Picasso Trigger is on his way to his car to make off to be a bad guy another day. But goddammit… We aren’t done with the explody gadgets!

Goddamn… Andy Sidaris blew up FOUR bad guys in this movie. That’s something neither Out of Africa or Chariots of Fire did. Here’s how that final kill went down. When Travis was facing off against Salazar (aka Picasso Trigger), He had a laser scope thing from his crutch pointed at Salazar’s chest. That gave him a number like a set of coordinates. He then typed that into that dollar store calculator on his crutches which then honed the missile right to Picasso Trigger’s chest which then, of course, blew him up. Then, Travis and Donna shared a tender moment on the beach celebrating how many people they blew up today.

Because this is an Andy Sidaris movie, there has to be a conclusion that explains everything we just saw as if we didn’t just watch the movie actually happen to our faces and eyes and brains. Travis says that he had the hunch that Picasso Trigger had all kinds of duplicates everywhere so he put in that homing code from the pacemaker that Salazar had put in because those are how those work I suppose. That way, he could blow up the real bad guy and everyone would be a winner today. Lastly, we find out that even the painting of the Picasso Trigger fish thing isn’t even the real one. Taryn decides she’s going to keep this copy because she’s hot and I would gladly give her anything she asked for because goddamn I am smitten by Hope Marie Carlton every time I see her in these dumb movies.

I also like how this whole thing with Taryn goes. In the last movie, Taryn kept something. In this movie she says this version of the fish painting is only a copy because the real one is supposed to be hanging in a contemporary art museum. But then she says that maybe this one she is claiming for herself is the real one and everyone laughs it off. It’s a cute way for a cute girl to have the final joke in the movie. However, think about this for a minute. Taryn just keeps shit from these missions. She’s not really an agent. She’s in the witness protection program. That seems to mean that the government is okay for these things to just be kept once confiscated. That also means that if you are connected as Taryn is, then you can fucking do whatever you want and everyone will make excuses and cover for you. That might just mean that Andy Sidaris made 80s movies that were more 80s than the 80s actually were.

I love it.

This movie is not as good as the first two entries in the BBB series, but it’s still got a lot of exciting shit in it. I mean, goddammit, four motherfuckers didn’t just get popped by guns, they got exploded by bombs that were propelled toward them. If that’s not something you like, then I can’t help you here at all. Plus, babes. These movies are so silly, so indignant toward anything other than to just numb men’s brains, they almost come all the way back around to being harmless. It’s just some cheeky fun with boobs and bombs and people flying apart with incredible force. It’s great.

And guess what! We have three more weeks to go of this fun! Next week, it’s yet another adventure for Donna and Taryn as they take a trip to Savage Beach. Sadly, we’ll have to say goodbye to Taryn after that one, but we can sure give her the best possible B-Movie Enema send off we can. It won’t be the last time we’ll see Hope Marie Carlton here, but I will have to find a way to continue on with these Sidaris flicks without her as we keep on truckin’ through his filmography. So be sure you are back here in one week’s time and pack your swimsuit because things will be getting fairly savage in these parts!

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