Savage Beach (1989)

Welcome back to B-Movie Enema’s Andy Sidaris Month!

You know what was part of my decision to kick 2022 off with this theme? It’s January, it’s cold. It’s gray and nighttime comes way too soon in the day. Andy Sidaris is a perfect thing to watch during these cold, dark, and lonely days. He takes us to sunny, beautiful, and sexy Hawaii in most of his films. That’s certainly what we have in line for this fourth film in his Bullets, Bombs, and Babes series – Savage Beach.

This time around, our favorite agents, Donna and Taryn, are transporting an important vaccine when they are forced to land on a remote island full of sandy beaches and tall palm trees. Nearby, there is a sunken World War II era Japanese ship that is just loaded to the balls with treasure. Our blonde bombshells are not alone on the island either. There are deadly bad guys looking for the sunken treasure too!

As I mentioned, this will be the last time we’ll see Hope Marie Carlton in this series. Dona Spier’s Donna character will carry on from here, but Taryn moves on. It won’t be the last time we’ll ever see the lovely Hope Marie Carlton, but that will be for another time. This movie also features the return of Patty Duffek as Patticakes. I guess Kym didn’t dig on the getting shot at shit on the previous mission last week. We also have the return of actor Rodrigo Obregon. He was Seth Romero in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, and Ortiz in Picasso Trigger. I like that he just keeps coming back as different characters.

Check this out, we have a fourth film, and a fourth Abilene. This time around we have Michael J. Shane playing Shane Abilene. This is the first of five appearances from Shane. That fucks up the comedic formula of having a different studly Abilene in each movie. But whatever. Teri Weigel also gets a chance to be in an Andy Sidaris film. Weigel is one of the biggest names in early 90s pornography after appearing in an 1985 issue of Playboy.

So we have a mix of returning favorites and the addition of Teri Weigel. That ain’t too bad. However, nowhere to be seen are Jade and Edy. What this means is we’re starting to get into the stretch here now. We’re seeing some of the characters starting to get shuffled out and others come in. Shane Abilene will be around for a bit. We also meet Rocky in this film. She’s played by Lisa London who will make another appearance next week. So things are starting to evolve.

Well… as much as an Andy Sidaris film series can evolve.

Alright, so right out of the gate, We get the title card and that it is, indeed, an Andy Sidaris Film. I love this. You get the Malibu Bay Films logo and then BOOM! title. Andy Sidaris is all too happy to slap his name on each of his films. I really do appreciate that. I feel like Sidaris knew exactly what he was doing and who he was pleasing. It’s a reason why his films can still get brand new remasters and such today. He appeals to people who like silly action movies. He appeals to people who just want to see hot Playboy babes doing action stuff. He appeals to people who like watching people explode.

These are all things I am.

The credits play over a man practicing his samurai skills on the beach. I can only assume this is a savage beach. But then, we don’t wait around like we had to last week to see Dona Spier and Hope Marie Carlton. They are driving their jeep somewhere in a hurry. Meanwhile, riding little scooters are the aforementioned Patticakes and newcomer Rocky. They’ve arrived at the port and are nearly turned away by two goofballs saying that the place is closed on Sunday. If you didn’t know, Sunday is the day the ocean likes to rest, do some yardwork, watch some football, etc. Anyway, they say they have refreshments and sexy bodies. Let’s see the resistance these dock workers put up…

The answer is: None at all.

As they lead the dock workers away from their post, Donna and Taryn arrive with machine guns and sexy legs. They drop a satchel into what appears to be a van transporting pineapples and investigate. Donna checks out some boxes. Taryn scopes the place with a machine gun. What this is is a sting operation. Donna finds that some of the “pineapples” are just hollowed out containers to smuggle cocaine.

She goes to the pineapple factory’s office and presents the guy running the place with two things – her badge and her search warrant. He presents his shotgun. As he fires, the jig is up. Rocky and Patticakes try to arrest the guys they are flirting with, but they get overpowered before they can pull their guns. They take off. One goon gets gunned down by Taryn. The other guy gets arrested. The guy running the whole pineapple factory hops in the van to escape, but Taryn… Boy, she’s not just another pretty face. She likes to blow people up. She activates the bomb she threw into the van when they first arrived.

Alright, so after blowing up a drug smuggler’s ride, and killing some of his dudes, what do you do to unwind? Why, you go to the hot tub! Donna gives Taryn some shit over how she threatened the pineapple factory guy by saying if they bring more coke in she’s gonna shove the bomb up his ass. Donna thought she should have said nose instead because, ya know… cocaine goes in the nose? Anyway, Donna and Taryn sure have fun. And, hey! New girl Rocky is there too! They’re cool with anyone who wants to blow things up, blow guys away, and unwind in a roiling hot tub!

They really are the best of the best good guys. They are such good guys, they’re girls! (Admittedly, that sounded better in my head than it looked in the article.)

Meanwhile, on an island getting ravaged by a storm, a hospital is out of some kind of serum. Their only hope is to call Molokai and get more flown out immediately. Shane Abilene calls up the girls and they spring into action! Patty goes to pick up the serum from the hospital on Molokai. Shane heads from Honolulu to Molokai to meet up with Donna and Taryn before they head off to the Marshall Islands. This the most exciting scene featuring picking something up and dropping it off someplace else for it to ultimately be flown to a third location I’ve ever seen. Then, as Shane meets Donna, it’s Double Entendre City as they go back and forth about being able to handle a big gun.

Shane tells Donna there’s a storm raging on and around the Marshall Islands. There’s a break in about 9 or 10 hours. That means they have to get in and get out during that break. So with that, Taryn and Donna are off on their marvelous South Pacific getaway!

While the girls head toward the hospital to deliver the all important medicine, we think all of a sudden we’re seeing Picasso Trigger and Ortiz making a new plan to do crimes, but it’s just the same two actors. John Aprea, who was seen last week as Salazar/Picasso Trigger, is an American naval officer. He’s having an intense conversation with a representative from the Philippines named Martinez (Obregon). The naval officer, Captain Andreas, has borrowed a satellite to help the Philippines find some lost treasure that was taken from them during the war. The guy Andreas has coming form the Army to bring all the intel they have about the warzone where the treasure was lost is jumped by a goon and steals the intel in order to meet with Andreas to locate the treasure so he knows where to lead the bad guys to find the loot.

I will say the fact that an Andy Sidaris movie has this whole story about missing treasure that was stolen during World War II and they need to use a guy from a place called “Computer Control Central”, a title that Aprea has a very hard time saying, and deals with cross referencing data and finding this treasure with real smart guy sounding concepts is pretty damn hilarious. Then it’s followed up with a flashback as to why this gold is important. Apparently, it will probably pay for more weaponry for the Japanese during the war and beyond. There’s a solemn story about how this old guy is happy that the gold ended up at the bottom of the ocean because it would have brought shame unto him for generations. He tells two Japanese agents his story and they plan to work with the United States to recover the treasure and return it to the Philippines.

At the hospital on one of the Marshall Islands, Donna and Taryn make a daring landing and deliver the medicine. They refill and make they way out so they can get through the lighter part of the storm – which is still quite heavy. Elsewhere, Martinez meets with the guy from the Computer Control Central and pays the man for a duplicate of the intel disk that has info about where the treasure might be. Now, Martinez tells computer guy “Have a blast” with all the money he got paid to do this. This is an Andy Sidaris film. Guess what Martinez really means?

Bla-blammo!

This is where things start to get complicated for this entry in the movie. There are apparently, maybe about 12 interested parties looking for this treasure. There’s a group of bad guys. There’s Martinez. There’s maybe these Japanese guys. I’m guessing Donna and Taryn will get involved and, naturally, Taryn will probably be keeping as much of this treasure as she can at the end of the movie.

But while there is a complication in this, because there are needless numbers of interested parties, Martinez’s part actually does become a little more clear. He and Teri Weigel’s Anjelica are revolutionaries in the Philippines. They plan to take the treasure for themselves to fund their party’s overthrow of the government. If I had to guess, they are probably not going to be looked at as good guys. They are probably dirty commies or something out to give out free healthcare and lift the lower classes out of poverty or something. This is still 1989 and I’m guessing Sidaris was probably a guy who liked Ronald Reagan. It would line up.

Considering Anjelica says that her ideology is more important than fame or adulation, and that seeing their party win will be her reward, I wouldn’t be surprised if she ultimately double crosses homeboy before the end of this. She seems to be really invested in this revolution of theirs.

While Anjelica and Martinez bang HARD, Donna nd Taryn’s plane is struck by lightning and it knocks out their equipment. They need to find a place to crash land safely. They hope their fuel will last them through the night until they can see better in the morning.

Speaking of the next day, the two Japanese agents arrive in Hawaii and Anjelica tails them. While Anjelica’s accent has now disappeared, the trouble for the Japanese guys haven’t. They get jumped by a couple guys posing as hotel staff. They steal a disk with the information on it and plan to copy it. How many top secret disks are there floating around now?

Out of fuel and with no more options, Donna and Taryn find an island they can land on until they can get help. Back in Hawaii, the Japanese bad guys deliver a copy of the disk. The Japanese disk has the cross-referenced data from the Japanese admiralty. A guy explains how what they had at the start of the movie was U.S. satellite intel about 120 or so crashed ships in a specific area of the South Pacific. The Japanese has the info about the path of the ship that had the treasure on it. He tells them that all they have to do is hit Enter and it will show them where they need to dig for the Ark… Uh, I mean where they will likely find the ship that sunk with the treasure on it.

“You understand anything that dork was talking about?”

Andreas realizes that where the most likely location of the ship is in a very inhospitable area of the ocean. He doesn’t even believe anyone has ever set foot on that island. Of course, that’s where Donna and Taryn are, and the girls don’t realize that they are not alone on the island.

We’re starting to bring the disparate stories together. What’s really interesting about the group headed toward the island is that the primary trio are made up of different factions. You have the American Naval Captain dude. You have Martinez. You have the goon who is impersonating an Army dude. All three of those people seemingly are operating to different ends I believe. Though, if I’m being honest, I don’t know that for sure. I think they are all working from different angles to different ends, but it’s probably going to be one of those things that Sidaris will give us in the final 15 minutes as an extra twist. All I know is that Donna and Taryn are the good guys and they are trapped on an island with what appears to be at least one other person, probably from the Japanese ship that sank. I also had no doubt that they were going to set up their shelter right on the beach so they can continue to work on their tans and frolic in the ocean.

Sure enough… That’s what they did.

I want to take a second to talk about something that is common across all of Sidaris’ movies. He may not have the best technical eye for filming action or any kind of artistic film, but he has three things he knows to do very well. First, while they may not always be the first billed, the most competent heroes in his films tend to be women. I’ll excuse Malibu Express because he had not yet really settled on his formula, but Dona Spier and Hope Marie Carlton are legit the action stars of these movies since then. Yes, they do blow up people (something else people do get a kick out of seeing). Yes, they do often have a big time action scene, with a great deal of sincere seriousness, and then go and unwind by getting naked in the hot tub or skinny dipping in the ocean (something else people REALLY like seeing in these movies). However, it’s simply fun. These movies tend to be more complicated than they need to be, but they are enjoyable to watch and people do, to this day, like watching these movies.

Of course the second thing on that list of what Sidaris does well is never wait too long to unleash something that’s simply passion bubbling over. That gives you the times that you see a little progression in plot and then Martinez and Anjelica just screwing in the back seat of their car as they are being driven to the next part of the plot. Or, as we saw in the previous film, Taryn just taking off ahead of everyone else before the plan goes into motion to see her boyfriend and have a little fling before getting down to explody business. No one will be able to prove or argue for the fact that these are mature movies. I mean… Yes, they are MATURE movies, but I mean these are movies that play to a teenage boy’s fantasy of mixing explosions and hot babes together. As I’ve said before, it’s so over the top that it seems to come all the way back around to being almost quaint, charming, and fairly harmless. A lot of that comes to the fact that while it seems like all the Abilenes are the main agents, the girls tend to get the jobs done. AND they are commended for it. They are not being screwed over by a ranking male. They get the credit for what they do. That’s letting the girls have a place in the action sandbox and it’s just nice.

Thirdly, Sidaris is a genius for setting these movies primarily in Hawaii. There’s shots like we see above of a gorgeous sunset on the water. There’s lushness to every single shot and it makes you want to be there. The landscape is pretty. The sky is gorgeous. The people are almost unnaturally beautiful. These are movies that seem to just go for the romantic, lust-filled beauty of the location and you want to be there with them – for many, many reasons.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way, let’s get back to the movie. It’s funny that Taryn and Donna’s romp in the ocean pretty much comes at the point that ends the fun part of the movie and opens up the action stuff. It’s now become obvious that Donna and Taryn haven’t come back so they must be in trouble. While Shane is trying to get a search party to start looking for the shipwrecked pair, They have started taking care of themselves by picking coconuts and going fishing… With gear and swimsuits that I’m not sure they should have brought with… You know what? Fuck it. We’re several movies into this series. Who gives a shit?

After coming back from fishing, Donna spots what appear to be human footprints in the sand. When she sends Taryn to get a blanket from the plane, a Japanese man attacks Taryn, but Donna scares him off with a flare gun. They go back to the plane to grab the goodies Shane sent with them which include a shotgun and a crossbow. The girls are pretty sure they can’t just wait around until whoever this guy is finds them and kills them. So they decide to go hunting for the other person on the island to ensure their safety. However… You know, maybe they could just try opening communications instead of deciding to hunt a motherfucker down. Granted this Japanese fella is a bit feral these days, but maybe they will be rescued soon. And if not, try communicating with the guy!

Actually, you know what? I like how they dress to go out hunting people.

Donna gets caught in a trap laid by the old man, but when he approaches them, seemingly to strike, he just retreats and leaves them be. What we discover is that in a box with some trinkets from his shipmates and others who have crashed on the island, he has a picture of someone that he thinks has some similarities to Taryn. Earlier, Taryn said that her grandfather fought in the South Pacific during WWII. He was lost at sea and his body was never recovered. That’s who this picture is of – her grandpa. Apparently this old Japanese man has some reverence for him.

A plan lands and on it, Martinez, Andreas, and that one guy posing as an army dude come out looking for the treasure. Donna says that the plane is obviously illegally registered because it has no call numbers or letters on it. Taryn spots the salt spray on the sides and bottom and thinks it must have been flying low to miss detection. The girls follow the trip around to see if they can figure out what they are doing here and why so much secrecy. Unfortunately, they are found by Andreas first.

Taryn explains why they are there when Martinez asks who they are. Martinez says they are lying. He then suggests they tie the girls up. Taryn’s response to that is to kick Martinez in the nuts. They tie the girls up anyway and continue their search for the treasure. Meanwhile, on another part of the island, Anjelica and the rest of her and Martinez’s goons land to search for the treasure too.

While the old Japanese man looks on, Martinez finds where the treasure must be buried. He, the fake army guy, and Andreas dig for it. They find a box that has the Filipino flag on it. The old man sees the girls have been tied up and cuts Taryn free and runs off. He watches as Taryn frees Donna and they go after the guys who have dug up the box of gold. As the guys look over the treasure, Anjelica and goons show up to take the gold. However, as Anjelica and Martinez kiss to celebrate their party’s survival, one of their goons shoots her in the back.

See what I mean when I continuously complain about overly complicated plots in these movies? Why did the goon shoot Anjelica? What’s his angle? Is he looking to take the gold for himself? Is he part of the opposition party? Who is doing what and why? The army guy is still not who he says he is. What’s his deal? Why is Andreas doing all this stuff under the radar and probably very illegally? Twenty minutes to go and there’s a twist. I knew that would happen too, but I don’t think any of this really makes sense.

Yes, I expect my titty action flick to make sense, goddammit!

But yes, I was right that Martinez and Anjelica were Communists looking to have their party take over the government in the Philippines. He was basically a traitor to the current government and was, of course, hiding it from the Americans helping him. As the goon explaining everything says he’s a mercenary with their own set of rules, the old Japanese WWII guy tosses his machete and it runs another of the goons through. Bedlam breaks out and fake army guy and Andreas get tripped up by Donna and Taryn and they begrudgingly decide to work together.

I still have no idea what the fake army guy’s deal is.

The Asian goons decide to kung fu the two American guys because why not? They quickly beat up Andreas and fake army guy. Just as they are about to shoot the two Americans, Donna holds the bad guys at gunpoint. The bad guys threaten Donna by taunting her that she would only get one shot off before the other two jump her. How do they figure that? She’s got a machine gun. Well, sure enough she kills one guy, but another is able to knock her gun out of her hand so the two remaining Asian goons can run off. Taryn and the fake army guy find each other and it seems like they are probably going to start fucking, but the old Japanese WWII guy puts his katana between them to stop it. He says nothing, does nothing more, and then runs off. More about fake army guy and Taryn to come.

Now, all of a sudden, Taryn and Martinez are fighting. The guy just wants his country to succeed. But of course, he’s a Communist so he has to be blown up by Taryn shooting his motorboat that he has spilled gasoline all over with an exploding bolt from her crossbow.

Martinez is gone, but the final Asian goon is left. He nabs Taryn and threatens to kill her if anyone moves. Seeing this, the old Japanese dude rushes him with his sword. He takes a couple bullets but runs the bad guy through. With his dying breath, the old man shows Taryn the photo of her grandpa. He explains how he and two of the other men from the shipwreck killed three Americans – her grandpa included. He then explained how the other two killed themselves. One by seppuku, and the other by just walking out into the ocean. He remained behind alone until now.

Fake army guy and Andreas let Donna and Taryn take their plane back to Molokai where they say they will meet them for dinner after the navy picks them up. What are they going to do with dinner? We think the normal Andy Sidaris wrap-up and explanation for everything. Instead we find out that fake army guy is from the CIA, he knocked out the original army guy, Harrison, and took his place so that the CIA could take over the whole operation. Sure. Fine, whatever. He’s going to get picked up by submarine. Andreas has to figure out his own way home.

We do get our final Sidaris wrap up. Andreas apparently figured out how to get to Molokai. We find out that there were six gold bars missing from what was collected by the CIA. Our fake army guy says he convinced them they were wrong. Guess who ended up with them? Yup, Taryn. She says that, as a civilian, she can lay claim to the bars since she claims to have found them in the ocean and maritime law says they’re hers. I’m okay with that. Anyway, she goes off with the fake army CIA man to engage him in dance. That’s the last we see of Taryn in the series.

Hope Marie Carlton will be missed, but we’ve still got Dona Spier to help keep this train a-rolling.

This is a peculiar movie. It’s not quite like the previous three. There is some intrigue with the gold and whatnot, but Taryn and Donna are just sort of accidentally part of it. The only real government agent work happened in the first five minutes. Everything after was them accidentally stumbling upon the rest of the plot. The plot was about as complicated as you would expect from Sidaris. But again, it’s Donna and Taryn who prove to be the most competent when it came to the action stuff. That said, yes, the girls teamed up with the two American guys, but, for the most part, they didn’t need one of the male agents (i.e. an Abilene) to come along with the final kill or the final thing to put the mission over the top to success. It felt like a slightly dialed back entry in the series and a good movie for just the two leads. And with a bit of an emotional story from the old Japanese man, that put a nice bow on Taryn’s character for the series.

Plus, she’s insanely rich now with those six gold bars.

Alright, we’re at the halfway point in Andy Sidaris Month! Two down and two to go! Next week, we get a bit of an all star cast. Dona Spier is back, as previously mentioned, but she’ll be sharing top billing with Erik Estrada in Guns. Not only that, but Kym returns with Rocky, and actress Roberta Vasquez comes back as Nicole Justin. Rodrigo Obregon is in every one of these, so of course he’s back too. And we get Devin DeVasquez to help sexy up this movie even more. So be sure to get back to Molokai in one week to help me shoot off some of these Guns!

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Until next week, when Andy Sidaris Month continues on B-Movie Enema!

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