Guns (1990)

Welcome to another B-Movie Enema review. This week, I’m gonna continue Andy Sidaris Month with not just the fifth in the Bullets, Bombs, and Babes Series, but also the first film in the Sidaris filmography of the 90s. Starring series regular Dona Spier and series newcomer Erik Estrada, this is Guns.

I mentioned last week that we were heading into the real stretch of the Sidaris run with the BBB Series. Spier is smack dab in the middle of her seven films as special agent Donna Hamilton. She is no longer with her partner for the last three films, Taryn, played by my favorite babe of the series – Hope Marie Carlton. Now, she’s partnered with new character with a recognizable face, Nicole Justin (played by Roberta Vasquez who played a femme fatale villainess in Picasso Trigger).

If there’s anything that Andy Sidaris likes, it’s consistency with his cast and crew. Also returning are Bruce Penhall who is our CIA agent from last week’s movie as well, Bruce Christian. Kym is back after taking last movie off, as are restauranteurs Edy and Rocky. There should be no surprise that Rodrigo Obregon has returned but as a different character for the fourth straight film. For the first time in this series, Michael Shane’s Shane Abilene returns marking the first time a member of the Abilene family has been seen in two films within the series. We need to get use to Shane as we’ll see him three more times before we complete the Sidaris library.

The biggest addition to this cast is Erik Estrada. Estrada was a major star about ten years before when he played Officer Frank Poncherello, “Ponch”, on the hit television show CHiPs for six years. Estrada was one of the biggest stars on TV thanks to his tight cop uniform and Latin American good looks. Sadly, that never really transitioned all that well to movies. He never really made a movie that was much of a hit. In the early 2000s, though, he voiced the character Dominguez on the cult hit on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim series Sealab 2021. Ultimately, Estrada mostly worked on low budget movies here and there, but got most of his work guest starring on TV series for the better part of the last 35 years.

In addition to Estrada being added to this film (as well as next week’s conclusion to Andy Sidaris Month), we do get one other recognizable figure in this film – Danny Trejo. Trejo plays Tong and I sure hope that doesn’t mean he was hired to play an Asian character despite being VERY obviously Hispanic. Time will tell. Trejo is a very recognizable character actor, and usually seen as a tough guy thanks to his imposing stature and pock-marked face. He’s often worked with his second cousin Robert Rodriguez in films like Desperado, Machete, From Dusk Till Dawn, and even the Spy Kids films. He’s one of those guys that if you know him, you know him. He has over 400 credits as an actor since the early 80s. That’s an impressive feat. He didn’t get into acting until he was nearly 40 years old because he spent about 30 years of his life leading up to that doing crime. He was first arrested at the age of 10. Was sent to jail by 1961 and was doing pretty hard time at San Quentin in 1966. After being released from prison in 1969, he has led a life that was pretty straight working in several fields, including as a substance misuse counselor, before finally getting his first role in 1983 as an English overdub voice actor for the Jackie Chan movie Project A, and then got his first on screen appearance in the 1985 thriller Runaway Train as a boxer.

What’s interesting is that he accidentally landed in Runaway Train. He showed up on set after getting a call from one of his counseling patients requesting help with a cocaine problem on the set and was asked to be in the film. Talk about your lucky breaks.

One other person I want to highlight real quick before jumping into the movie is the stunningly gorgeous Devin DeVasquez. In this film she’ll be playing “Cash”, but I know her best as the leading man’s sex bomb object of desire in the oopy goopy body horror film from Brian Yuzna, Society. In that she played Clarissa Carlyn who had a morbidly obese mother with a childlike mentality. She was a member of the species that had infiltrated humanity on the higher end of society and often held sweaty, naked, and very weird orgies called the “shunting”. She was far more sympathetic to our hero Bill’s situation as an outsider being targeted by this group of monsters. It’s a very strange, but very good slice of late 80s weirdness. The movie is pretty darn gross, but Devin DeVasquez is anything but…

Alright, so let’s load up and set our sights on this week’s Sidaris treat, Guns!

After we see the recognizable Malibu Bay Films logo, and then the title and the marker stating this is, indeed, an Andy Sidaris film, it is shot and we we launch into a sexy rendition of the “Guns” theme song at a Vegas showclub. Interesting story here. Cynthia Brimhall, who is best known for playing Edy, sings the song for the soundtrack and would go on to contribute other songs for more Sidaris movies coming up. The singer on stage is NOT Edy. She’s just there to provide something more interesting to look at than the credits.

After our lovely singer exits stage left, the villainous Erik Estrada comes out of the elevator looking like he means business… Villainous business. He gets in his limo with Danny Trejo. They pick up a couple assassins. The goons are hired to kill… someone. We don’t know who yet. We only know that these two assassins are supposedly pretty good at their jobs and Erik Estrada wants someone dead. We also know that Danny Trejo has some guns for them.

They then get into a private jet. It’s here where Erik Estrada says that he and Danny Trejo will take a commuter plane from Honolulu to Molokai ahead of the two goons. When the goons arrive there, THEN they will be told who their target will be. Now… I’m not a super smart person. I’m also not a psychic, but stick with me here for a second. Erik Estrada is sending these goons to Molokai to kill someone that he apparently has a grievance with. Considering this movie started in Vegas, I wanna bet that the person they are being sent to kill is none other than Donna Hamilton.

Don’t look at me like that you motherfucker. You and I both know that the only people on the planet that are on Molokai are Donna, Edy, Rocky, probably Kim and Patticakes (if they haven’t returned to Vegas), and maybe Taryn who has entered into sexy, sexy retirement. My math is solid. My math is infallible.

By the way… who’s flying the very expensive private jet? Danny Trejo. That cracks me up. I feel like he would rather fly that jet through someone’s chest while shooting machine guns out of the front window than to fly Erik Estrada to Honolulu.

On Molokai, Donna and new teammate/partner/hot co-pilot Nicole Justice are going to pick up a dress for a shindig that is going on later that. Even Rocky comes in to say she has some real troubles of her own that ultimately mean nothing to the ultimate conclusion of the story. Erik Estrada comes creeping by the dress shop. Now, I will admit, my math sucks. I’m not a smart guy. I’m not a psychic. I’m a shit mathematician. I forgot to carry the one. It’s this Nicole chick that he wants these goons to kill.

The guys Erik Estrada hired are kind of flamboyant with how they kill people. They have a certain flair for their job. You have to appreciate that to a certain extent. However, Erik Estrada is a no nonsense kind of guy. He wants the girl killed, his calling card, a literal playing card of the Jack of Diamonds (his villainous codename), and he doesn’t want theatrics. I like how dejected the two goons act after he just gives them the order to just simply shoot the girl in the head.

Uh oh, Spaghettios, there’s a bit of a twist coming. Nicole thought that the dress she was getting at this shop was a one-of-a-kind dress made by the shop owner, Joan. It isn’t. Another brunette purchases and leaves wearing the exact same dress. She’s on her way to dinner to celebrate her honeymoon. But you better call off the festivities because his newlywed is soon to be newly dead!

The goons still find some way to add a little flair to their job as they stop off at a women’s restroom to get dressed as women. Why do they have to do this if they are just shooting the girl in the head? Who cares. Let these guys have their fun.

Before we see that play out to what will likely be stupid proportions, Erik Estrada and Danny Trejo have to go see an old friend. He’s going to sell them a bitchin’ machine gun/rocket launcher thing. But it’s not a giant rocket launcher like you sometimes see that looks a little like a rifle bazooka? No, this is a teeny tiny little rocket that has a barrel right below the machine gun’s muzzle.

Lookit that little red rocket in there.

You see, this movie is called Guns because this guy is doing a guns deal with Erik Estrada who has a gang war situation going on. So, yeah, Erik Estrada has some sort of business going on and he needs Nicole, and I imagine probably also Donna, out of the way as they pose a threat to his operation he’s undertaking. This seems deceptively simple as plots go for an Andy Sidaris movie.

How about those boys posing as girls to go kill what will be the wrong target? Well, I think we’ve found Steven Crowder’s favorite scene in these movies. What’s great is that it is funnier than his usual “comedy” “bits” where he tries to belittle trans-women by dressing as a woman and acting “gay”. And this scene isn’t funny at all.

Yup, this guy walks up to the wrong woman in Rocky’s restaurant, and shoots her right in the forehead. When her husband gets up to try to attack the killer, he’s shot dead too. Happy Fucking Honeymoon you fuckers! It’s kind of a brutal scene.

But that’s not all that’s brutal!

Oh no! Not Rocky! In the madness that follows their assassinations, Rocky goes for her gun – you know, because she’s one of the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies. They shoot her in the tummy and the gunmen go off to change back into their normal guy clothes. As they come out of the restroom and head to their car, Nicole spots a tattoo on one guy’s hand. They go inside of Rocky’s to see the scene. The dead newlywed girl has the Jack of Diamonds card that reads “For Donna”. They also discover that Rocky is, sadly, dead.

They’re told two women came in and shot the couple and Rocky and simply left. The valet says he’s not seen two women, just two guys. Nicole (boy, nothing gets past her) says that the two guys this valet saw came out of the women’s restroom. So they’re off to chase the gunmen who are taking off in a chopper while Erik Estrada and Danny Trejo wait for their charter flight back to Honolulu.

I want to just take a second here to say Rocky’s death is kind of sad. This is the first time we’ve seen one of the heroes in this series killed like this. Sure, that one pair of dudes in Vegas were killed back in Picasso Trigger, but they weren’t significant characters. They were just there to progress the plot that some people were up to no good and there were eliminations made. Rocky was just introduced in Savage Beach. She was a good agent. She threatened to shoot a guy’s dick off in that movie. Outside of that, her cover was that she was a restauranteur who seemingly was well liked. Sure, that morning started off rough because she had a party of 43 cancel on her at nearly the last second, but her day ended REALLY bad when it didn’t have to all because of a shitbag YouTuber and commentator of bad faith decided to come in and finally use one of those guns he is always strapped with. I sure hope she’s serving that party of 43 in the big restaurant in the sky now.

Alright, back to the movie. Nicole thinks that she and Donna has just missed the bad guys since they took off in the helicopter. But, oh yeah… Donna is a pilot. Time to take this action to the fuckin’ sky!

What’s kind of funny is that this action scene is incredibly pedantic for a chase scene. They call Honolulu airport to get the heading of the chopper but they don’t ever really see them or get eyes on the plane. So they call Shane Abilene. He’s got nothing on his radar. So I guess they have to try Turtle Bay. They do eventually find them as they’ve landed and no longer able to track them. The guys go into a tunnel which they can’t just fly to other side for whatever reason. But they can’t really do much because there are too many rental cars just like that one on the main island. What’s more is they are almost out of gas so they better just put down at Shane’s airport. Do they continue the chase? Nope! They just talk to Shane and another agent, Bruce (played by series regular Bruce Penhall). They talk about the murder, the calling card, etc.

While the gunmen continue to get further away. Fuck, at this point, the bad guys are probably back in Las Vegas.

Donna realizes that the gunmen were professionals with silencers and everything (like that matters considering the public setting they used to kill the girl). She quickly deduces they killed the wrong woman. The height, the hair color, the dress… They were supposed to kill Nicole. Donna says they need to go to Vegas. Bruce thinks it’s crazy to do that. Nicole says they are too deep to turn back now. Shane says the company plane is gassed and ready to fly. Andyvengers Assemble!

They take off in Shane’s jet. But you can’t go to Vegas wearing your pilot gear, ladies! No, you better just go ahead and change out of those into different clothes… And make sure to do it close and in front of the camera.

They radio ahead to the Vegas office of Sidaris Spy Guys and they go to pick up Edy, our sultry singer of our theme song. Now, I think it’s possible Edy has maybe had incredible head trauma. Remember, she ran the restaurant in Hard Ticket to Hawaii and Picasso Trigger. While she wasn’t really a full on agent in the former, remember, in the latter, she was an integral part of the plan to bring down the bad guy’s operation. Fuck, she KILLED a guy in the line of duty. Now, this guy from the Vegas office of Sidaris Spy Guys says the Honolulu office needs their help and she’s just going on and on and on about her performance bustier and getting dinner and probably where they are going to get some blow from. You know… showbiz talk.

Kim’s acting like a giant bimbo. She’s completely self-absorbed and doesn’t stop to listen to boss man until she goes tits out. Next up, they gotta go get Kym. She’s an oil wrestler these days with the stage name Kyller Kym. She often fights her nemesis Hug Huggins. After their fight, we get to watch them take a shower as well as watch our two guys who are there to pick up their agents watch the girls shower too.

I guess we have a team! A couple wrestlers, a couple pilots, and a nightclub singer who has lost half her brain cells since the last time we saw her.

At Bad Guy HQ, Erik Estrada explains to his hitmen that they killed the wrong girl. He explains that while Donna Hamilton is the biggest threat to him, he doesn’t want her dead yet. In fact, Erik Estrada wants Donna for himself. He tells the assassins to lay low but stay close for when he needs them again. Erik Estrada’s hot babe girlfriend, Cash (Devin DeVasquez), makes it clear that she wouldn’t have made such a sloppy mistake as the two assassins did.

As far as I’m concerned, Devin DeVasquez can make anything she wants sloppy, clean, neat, or messy for all I care.

We are at the 30 minute mark – which also means it’s the end of the first act. This is when we get to watch Erik Estrada soft core porn fuck Devin DeVasquez. I’m… I’m in favor of this. I’m okay with this. Dirty little secret of mine – I’ve always wished I was at least a little bit Erik Estrada. This only solidifies that more.

The next morning, Shane, Donna, Bruce, and Nicole land outside Las Vegas. Bruce and Nicole heada toward the city on a motorcycle. Danny Trejo has a couple goons go after them with that neat machine gun/rocket launcher thing. Donna and Shane go to help. Shane begins shooting a giant gun at the plane. Shane is an Abilene. He can’t shoot for shit. In fact, Donna says, “Don’t just do something! Stand there!” and goes to get her own rocket launcher.

This is a world in which everyone has a rocket launcher. I want to go to there. With one rocket, Donna takes down the little plane with the bad guys in it. But, seriously, everyone has a rocket launcher in this world. That’s not just something that even government agents would just have at the ready. They had to have stopped and thought, “We’re probably going to need a rocket launcher to combat the other guys’ rocket launcher. We better bring one.” And then they did.

Speaking of that bad guy gun, Bruce realizes that the gun is only available to the very tippy top brass of the Chinese government. But they don’t have much of a means of transportation anymore. The van is kinda messed up. The bike was all but blown up. Luckily they get a ride from the “California Kid”. He drives old race cars. Why is he important? Because you have to know exactly how Donna, Nicole, Shane, and Bruce got into town! You can’t just let that sort itself out in the editing room floor!

So we get a real long look at London Bridge. We also get a history lesson from the head of the Vegas office. He even says that it’s symbolic the team (some of which we have not yet seen until this moment) meet here because it took teamwork to transport London Bridge to Lake Havasu and so on and so forth. Everybody gets their plans for what they need to do on this mission and, of course, it involves at least 3 or 4 elements so I guess it’s great that so many people have showed up to do something about these guys.

Oddly, they keep referring to the assassins as “she-males” and that they need to go check the drag bars to see if they can find a guy with a snake tattoo on his hand. Do they know that’s their thing? I mean do they really know know that cross-dressing is their thing? In the James Bond movie Diamonds Are Forever, there are a pair of assassins who are gay men. The clues, some of which very large, are there. But no attention is drawn to it. Sean Connery doesn’t speak a line saying he needs to go check the gay bars to find the assassins. It just was a thing that they were. They are maybe the most interesting characters in that goddamn movie, if I’m being perfectly honest.

See what I’m getting at here? The guys dress as women to kill that one woman. There’s multiple reasons why they would do that. Yeah, one of the reasons could be kink. However, the most obvious answer is what actually happens. The one girl at Rocky’s says “two WOMEN came in and killed those two people”. As they left, they were no longer identifiable as women. It was a way to get away. We don’t have to start combing drag bars for these guys.

Anyway, Donna is told to go to Carson City to meet with the Attorney General of Nevada. This ball-busting sexy blonde AG is none other than Donna’s mother, Kathryn.

Donna lectures her mother about the war on drugs. You know, that thing we totally won. AG Hamilton tells her that death by agent could still be murder. I actually have to side with the AG. There is such a thing as due process. Yeah, I’m sad Rocky is dead too. But you can’t just step on the toes of other governmental offices who are working within the Constitution. You can’t just go off half-cocked to kill a guy because he’s a bad guy. Oh whatever.

What’s more, in a story detail I’m not sure is necessary, one of the people working on the case with our agents was the brother of one of the agents killed in Picasso Trigger when people connected to the titular bad guy were being bumped off. One of the guys who made that hit is being held by the police. When they refused to tell him what he wants to know about the fucked up assassination in Hawaii, he just pulls out a shot gun and blows them away. In the police station. Where others can hear… AND ask questions about it. What’s he say, “You should have searched them better!” This is an unnecessary complication to the story. I guess everyone who is working against Erik Estrada is out on some personal vendetta?

So, anyway, Nicole is in a leather bikini working on her tan on top of Bruce’s motorcycle in the middle of the desert. I guess this is the perfect time to tell her story. She was a 17-year old orphan. Some creep wanted to take care of her. I guess the guy was connected with the mob. I also suppose it was true love because she was upset enough after finding the guy’s dead body to testify against the mob.

Then she and Bruce fuck on his motorcycle – the most comfortable surfaces to fuck on.

Kym goes to a bar run by a character named Large Marge. She’s there apparently to scope out the place because it’s one of the possibly many drag bars she needs to check for the guy with the tattoo – who we still don’t know if that’s really a regular thing for the two assassins. She’s met by Large Marge and… Holy shit it’s Rodrigo Obregon.

Obregon and Sidaris were really good friends. That’s why he’s been in all of these movies. You know this is probably a blast for them to see Obregon in drag like this. This isn’t even the first time something like this has come into a Sidaris film. Way back in Malibu Express, there was a gay character who was also a crossdresser and our lead Abilene in that even mentioned how good look he was dressed as a woman. While these are most definitely of their time, Sidaris never seemed to totally uncomfortable with the idea of having someone in drag around. In fact, it can sometimes be played with respectful laughs or to give someone a chance to actually comment complimentarily about the guy’s looks.

Anyway, indeed the assassins are present in the bar in drag. There is a whole ruse because Large Marge above is pictured with Hug Huggins. So it’s all set up for Kym and Hug to get into a staged fight to try to capture the assassins. The plan almost works. The assassins are able to worm their way out from capture once again.

At the Rio, where Edy sings, Erik Estrada, Danny Trejo, and Devin DeVasquez is taking in a show. I like that pretty much every single show is just Edy in the tiniest of outfits singing sultry lounge songs. While there, Erik Estrada is told that his assassins were spotted at the drag bar and their identities are now known.

As Edy leaves the stage, the guy who blew away the two goons who were in the police station comes out to perform magic. Now, here’s the problem with that. Danny Trejo explained that their guys were killed by a fat guy who was doing magic. I’m gonna assume this isn’t going to end well. Erik Estrada sends Devin DeVasquez to kill the magician. Also Edy and Devin DeVasquez knew each other. They talk about how much of a slut the other was all the time.

Let’s completely cut the tension of whether or not Cash is going to kill the fat magician or if the fat magician will kill Cash. It’s time for Shane and Donna to go to the gym and work out.. where they are attacked by ninjas. I mean it. They are literally attacked by ninjas.

This begs the question, “Why is Shane being attacked by ninjas?” Well, the only thing I can think of is that they needed members of the team to be attacked by the seemingly endless forces at Erik Estrada’s command. In order to do something here with Shane as he’s isolated, they can’t very well have an action scene end in an explosion because this workout room has a very clear rule posted on the wall about not exploding people in this room. So, why not ninjas?

It’s a working theory.

Guns is a little boring if I’m being honest. There are plans and ideas that Erik Estrada is working to do. Run guns. Run drugs. Kill the agents – preferably Donna Hamilton. But it’s spinning its wheels a bit. Erik Estrada’s bad guy has all these plans that are targeting the good guys specifically, but he has idiots working for him. He should probably kill the two liabilities that are the crossdressing assassins now that their identities are known. He should probably do more than just calmly talk about getting his plans to work out and actually, you know, do the plans? Maybe the worst thing about Guns is that it’s bland. No stakes feel even close to getting all that high or intense. The last time I felt anything in this movie was when Rocky died. That sucked. I was on the edge of my seat to find out if they will say she’s still alive and getting an ambulance for her. But no, she died. All the tension since then has been completely absent from the movie.

However, look out for the big left turn coming soon in this movie.

One of the things that the other movies had was the feel that these were written by someone who was 13 years old just putting in action, boobs, and explody things. This movie, with its revenge plot, feels slapdash and kind of angsty. There’s nothing here to chuckle at for the over the top nature. Sure, Donna having her own rocket launcher to fight back against a rocket launcher is funny and very fun, but this person did this to me and I want them dead. This person is doing the bad thing that was the same bad thing my dad was trying to stop when he died so I’m going to take out my anger about that on this bad guy. It’s all just… angry.

Again… We’re getting to some of the best cinema ever captured.

Erik Estrada is finally starting to feel a little pressure from the constant failure his goons are pretty good at doing. This time, they decide to go kidnap Donna’s mother to up the ante a bit. So the crossdressing assassins are sent out to nab her. The next day, the fat magician is out on his boat in Lake Havasu with his wife, Nicole, and Bruce. Creeping around on shore is Devin DeVasquez. Nicole and Bruce decide to go for dinner. By the way, the magician’s name is Abe The Great, which is a terrible name. His wife’s name is Ace. Get it? Like a card? Ace has some work to do and leaves Abe out on the boat alone.

Devin DeVasquez sneaks onto their boat and kills Ace by shooting her in the back of the head. She then sends a little remote controlled boat out to Abe with a grenade that blows him up but good. Devin DeVasquez has a real good laugh about this.

Add “not fun” to the list of complaints I have about Guns. Introducing a married couple who are kind of light-hearted, with one being completely set up as a jovial guy who gets his revenge for his brother being killed, only for them to be dispatched in a uncaring way is not a great way to further your otherwise fun series. Killing Rocky is one thing. You can do it once where you get that emotional punch, but Abe and Ace were cruel to kill like they did.

But wait… Comeuppance is on the way.

When she came and saw the crime scene, Edy noticed something that gives her the indication that it was Cash who killed Abe and Ace. There’s been this giant trunk that has been carted around since Donna, Shane, Bruce, and Nicole left Hawaii. People are constantly taking it wherever they go. Edy opens it up and decides to pay Cash a little visit.

But first, Erik Estrada has to go pay a visit to his captive. Erik Estrada was supposedly killed 10 years ago around the same time that Donna’s father (and Kathryn’s husband) was killed. The body was even supposedly identified. All we learn is that he must have paid someone off to say it was him. She spits on his face and he roughs her up. He then starts kissing her and probably raping her.

All the while, it’s been discovered that drawing Donna, Nicole, Shane, and Bruce out of Hawaii was a big part of Erik Estrada’s plan. With them out of Molokai, guns from China could be easily passed through there, where the smugglers can also refuel on their way to South America. They arm up to take down Erik Estrada and save Kathryn. This is when they realize that Edy isn’t around. That’s because she does a really cool thing to kill Cash. Cash is taking a bath and Edy has come into the bathroom that has walls covered in mirrors. It’s able to keep her safe while Cash fires wildly and misses. After exhausting her rounds, Edy shoots Cash dead. THAT was a good scene and it finally starts to bother Erik Estrada because that was his little fuck buddy.

There is about 20 minutes remaining and everyone is geared up. You’d think they would head straight to the bad guy’s HQ, right? Conventional movie wisdom would tell us so. Andy Sidaris movies do not operate on the same wisdom as your regular movies. No one has any idea where anything is. So they are going to comb the town until they luck upon Erik Estrada. He has ordered the assassins to kill Nicole to make Donna go over the edge. The assassins are able to catch up to Nicole and Bruce because they decide to stop to pick up sandwiches to stock up for flight back to Hawaii. I shit you not. Luckily, Nicole is pretty good with guns and she and Bruce kill the assassins relatively quickly.

When boss man found out that Edy discovered who killed Abe and Ace, and then went and killed her, he gets shitty with her and tells everyone that their not very well thought out plan has now basically been blown up. Fuck you, dude. You may be the head of the Sidaris Spy Guys of Vegas, but you’re kind of sucking the fun out of this movie by not letting Edy think for herself and ordering everyone else to not act without direct orders too. What kind of late 80s/early 90s action movie is this when everyone has to follow orders?

Ten minutes to go and I kind of feel like we’re rushing headlong into a very quick conclusion.

Defying orders, Donna and Shane go into Erik Estrada’s suite to fuck him up. However, he’s set a trap for her in the main concert room. Donna takes the bait while the rest of the good guys rush in to provide backup. Donna and Shane look for Erik Estrada and Kathryn. Also sneaking around is Danny Trejo. Remember, Shane is an Abilene so he can’t shoot for shit. What’s more, he can barely walk for shit as he also trips over stuff. He’s already tripped once, but it’s the second time that does in Danny Trejo. The second trip causes Shane to accidentally shot a light fixture that ultimately comes down and crushes Danny Trejo to death.

Meanwhile, Donna has brought her missile launcher. So, question. What if she finds her mom and Erik Estrada? Is she going to try to do a precision shot with missiles? I hope.

Yeah, it actually is WAY better than a precision shot. Alright, so I was coming down pretty hard on ol’ Guns here. It is still true that the movie isn’t nearly as fun as the past Sidaris classics. It’s kind of boring with this mostly being all about revenge. But you know how to cure that? By fucking launching four fucking missiles into Erik Estrada! Donna has the upper hand. While she was not present in the scene that we saw in which Abe was able to use a trap door trigger button on the stage floor to drop Ace through out of the magic box thing that he used in an illusion, she knew that if she stepped on that button, it would make a cartoon sound when it drops her mom through. Then, she’d be left to blow that CHiPs motherfucker to motorcycle heaven.

I so wanted that missile launcher to play a part in the end, and, boy howdy, does it!

There’s not so much a bunch of chunks of Erik Estrada left to focus the camera on as there is a flaming hole where he once stood. That is fucking brilliant and is something I would like to see once a day for the rest of my life. It’s about the only truly spectacularly great thing that happened in this movie until the very final few seconds when it was topped by this piece of genius:

I am about to say something very, very serious. This is something I’ve never been more serious about in my life. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Assuming that I will probably live WAAAAAY past the age I would ever want to, I expect this technology to exist. I want the above gif to play on loop on my tombstone. For eternity. Right there on my fucking tombstone. When people, whoever these people may be, come to pay tribute to the greatness of B-Movie Enema and the wordsmith who wrote it weekly for 43 years straight, they will be met by Nicole Justin and Donna Hamilton running toward each other on the beach and high fiving in a way that would make Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger feel less manly.

Well… That was a bit of a roller coaster, wasn’t it? A movie that starts okay. Then drags badly for a long time, only to be almost completely redeemed by two of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in my life. Oh, Uncle Andy… You know how to treat your boy right. I’m almost sad that next week brings to close Andy Sidaris Month.

Alas, it will. We close out this month of boobtacular bonkers bonanzas with 1991’s Do or Die. This promises to be something of a Most Dangerous Game type of thing. It also stars Pat Morita as the bad guy. So that will happen in seven days. Be sure to be back here for that. In the meantime, do me a solid and follow B-Movie Enema on Facebook and Twitter. Also be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel as well. That way you can always be aware of everything that’s going on and coming out. We may be off-season for B-Movie Enema: The Series, but we’re still doing some B-Movie Enema Triple Features on a monthly basis on YouTube until Season 3 returns this summer. So, be sure to check that out!

Until then, don’t smuggle guns through Molokai or you’re gonna get blown the fuck up by a babe with a rocket launcher.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s