Do or Die (1991)

We close out Andy Sidaris Month here at B-Movie Enema with his sixth installment of the Bullets, Bombs, and Babes series, Do or Die.

This also marks the halfway point of the Triple B series. You know these movies were really kind of starting to afford ol’ uncle Andy a real opportunity to spend a little money and turn it around to a fairly big take on home video and late night cable airings. I say this because not only is Erik Estrada back, but top billed is Pat Morita as our villain Kane. Morita had been a significant star of his own playing the role of Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid series. He was pretty well liked and adored as a sweet sensei type. However, this time around, he’s an underground business man set on forcing Donna (Dona Spier back again) and her partner, Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez) to be hunted by teams of assassins

This might be a little bit more of a Most Dangerous Game type of scenario than what we normally get in this series. Maybe it’s a bit more like Savage Beach where we take away some of the intrigue elements and replace it with a more survival style of action. I like that Andy doesn’t let the series get too stale and tosses in one of these types of entries. It can usually help cut out some of the more needless complexity of the plot as a whole that we’ve seen in these films.

Taking a break this time around is Rodrigo Obregon. He was busy doing some other projects. We haven’t really talked too much about him. Obregon was a Colombian (but born in France) who first got into acting in 1985’s Fuga scabrosamente pricolosa as Manuel. Pretty much right after that, he got the role of Seth Romero in Hard Ticket to Hawaii. From there he pretty much worked consistently for the rest of his life. He has three completed shorts that may not be released yet. He passed away in 2019 at the age of 67 after a bout with cancer. His mother was a choreographer and he would travel with her on tours. She presented him with the option of either pursuing dancing or a more academic line of study, and he chose dancing. Upon arriving in the United States, he joined a theater group in New York City before moving to Los Angeles where he met Sidaris. Andy thought of Obregon as his “good luck charm” and that’s why he is in almost every movie Sidaris made in the Triple B series. It’s kind of sweet that the pair had that kind of long lasting relationship. It’s also kind of sweet that the last time we saw Obregon for now was as “Large Marge” where he was seemingly having a ton of fun as a crossdressing bar owner.

We may be without Obregon for this entry, and it may also be our last entry for a bit, but we still have a Sidaris classic to talk about, so let’s dive into this globetrotting game of Do or Die!

The movie opens at Germaine’s Luau. This is one of those places in which Hawaiians perform various luau inspired dances, music, and fire juggling and what have you for white tourists who “ooh” and “ahh” at what they see and talk about how beautiful and quaint these people’s culture is. This is a children’s hospital fundraiser as it appears. Local heroes Donna Hamilton and Nicole Justin are there taking in the show as the credits play.

They are approached by a beefy guy in a black tank top and told there is an important man outside the event who wants to speak to them. They go outside and Pat Morita says he’s made a six-figure donation in their name to the children’s hospital. However, there’s a catch. He made the donation in their name posthumously. He tells Donna and Nicole that he knows they are government agents. They have been thorns in his organization’s sides for a long time. He’s hired six teams of assassins to begin hunting the ladies down. He views this as a sport. He also admits he wants to kill them just because he’s mad at them.

This game of his starts at noon tomorrow.

After he introduces himself by his codename “Kane”, the girls seem to know what that means and they try to fight back. This causes Nicole to twist her ankle. Kane tells his henchmen to not hurt them and not fight back. Instead, save that shit for the game. So… You have to assume that there is probably, oh, 18 hours before the game begins and the girls will be running for their lives, right? What would you do with that time?

If you’re Donna Hamilton, it’s very clear what you’d do with that time…

It should be noted that I laughed pretty hard the moment we saw the hot tub because OF COURSE that’s what Donna wants to do instead of formulate a plan of some sort to give them better odds. Nicole even asks incredulously if the hot tub really is the place Donna does her best thinking. Donna affirms that, indeed, this is where she gets problems worked out.

She calls Lucas. He’s the guy who, last week, was the head of the Vegas office of the Sidaris Spy Guys. Lucas tells them they need to beat cheeks and get the fuck out of Hawaii. He suggests they come out to Vegas where a guy will set them up with a device that will help them. It should also be noted that one of the goons with Pat Morita put a tracking device on Donna’s watch. This… This is cheating, right? That’s not very sporting if you always know where your prey is and where they are going. He might as well have let his goons kill them, and then he could pose for a picture with their lifeless husks.

The first pair of assassins come after the girls in a helicopter as they are driving to the airport to get out of Molokai. Donna tries to outrun and outmaneuver the chopper while Nicole shoots at it. Meanwhile, the bad guys in the chopper are shooting at the girls. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the cane Nicole is using for her twisted ankle is also a missile launcher. Nicole fires the little rocket and it makes the chopper go boom

I will give this movie this significant praise… We’re only 12 minutes in, and we’ve already learned the following things:

  1. We see Donna and Nicole quickly.
  2. We’re given the plot in very distinct language – the bad guy knows the girls are good at what they do and he wants to kill them.
  3. They’ve gotten into the hot tub.
  4. Bad guys from a chopper shoot at the good girls in a car.
  5. Girls destroy bad guys with tiny rocket launcher.

After landing in Honolulu, the girls do something smart before flying to Vegas – they get disguises. This is typically smart, but, remember, Mr. Miyagi is kind of cheating with the whole tracking thing on Donna’s watch. Still, smart idea. Meanwhile, Bruce (Bruce Penhall back for yet another film) gets a call from Lucas and they meet up with one Rico Esteban who is a marine colonel or something. He’s played by Erik Estrada. Now, I would think Lucas would be like, “Hey, you look familiar. You remind me of a guy who has faked his death and changed his identity at least once before.

Lucas orders Esteban and Bruce to fly to Vegas and help Donna and Nicole. It’s quite a hazardous mission. Therefore, as payment, Esteban and Bruce are going to be allowed to retire early. Esteban asks if he has any say in this mission. He does not. It’s basically take it or do it.

The girls land in Vegas. They drive near what is basically a local quarter-scale model remote control airplane show. There, a chubby guy and a sexy babe are going to head them off. They’re the next team of assassins the girls will have to look out for. We see a LOT of this air show. We also hear a LOT ABOUT the model planes from the guy announcing the show. I even learned where you can buy these model kits he’s so extensive with his coverage.

Meanwhile, the assassin babe is gonna use some sort of hand held bazooka to “blow [Donna and Nicole’s] tits off”. While the girls’ contact boxes up their model helicopter with missile launchers, they go outside to watch the show. Now, call me stupid, but I know of NO woman who would be interested in the air show that’s happening. In fact, I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be white, male, and under 50 who would give a shit about this event. This is one of those things that sometimes shows up in these Sidaris flicks. Sometimes these characters are taking part in something that is completely and totally not be something they’d even think about doing. It’s such a very old white guy thing. Like whoever the Pope of R/C Quarter-Scale Model Airplanes would be, you know he thinks he’s hot shit with young Playboy models. It’s a very old, outdated idea that men have their hobbies that women are impressed with.

As a guy who has a few hobbies, trust me, ain’t no chick impressed with any of them.

So as Donna and Nicole drive off with their new remote controlled death chopper, they get followed by the fat guy and the sexy assassin looking to blow their tits off. Donna makes mention on the road that she feels pretty exposed out there and muses if they should be worried. Nicole turns back to see the green bug following them and the girl getting out with her gun and decides that, hell yes, they should be worried! They veer off into the desert with the VW chasing after them. Now, I thought that the gun the sexy assassin girl is toting was some sort of an explody gun. I’m not so sure. The sound effects sound like a regular machine gun. But it has that giant barrel. But it sounds like a ratta-tat-tat kind of gun.

See my confusion here?

I will also totally admit that, several times in these movies, the guns used are not real looking guns. They are almost obviously prop guns or possibly painted toy guns. Sometimes you see handguns that look like air pellet guns or almost seem to have a barrel that looks like a laser gun. We’ll never know because Erik Estrada comes along with Bruce and blow up the assassins.

The cops start showing up so Donna and Nicole get the fuck out of there and leave Erik Estrada and Bruce to answer for everything I guess. We don’t know what comes of that because we next see everyone at the airport where Donna introduces herself to Erik Estrada and even mentions that she might give him a bit of her puss if he’s not careful. I will never forget him being blown to fucking shit by her one movie ago.

Erik Estrada and Bruce fly the girls to Louisiana. Meanwhile, Lucas is working forming a team. That’s his primary function in these movies I think. One of those people on the team, of course, is the singing lingerie clad Edy. Edy is currently performing at a real shit kicker bar called Cowboys in Texas. I guess the rest of her tour dates need to be canceled because Lucas is here to get her.

Edy, at first, playfully resists going with Lucas. She wants to dance with him at the bar. Then she wants to take things slow. Then she just takes him home and fucks him. I guess this mission isn’t that big of a deal if they can fuck all night long before getting down to business.

It’s like this movie suddenly decided to be shot like an Emmanuelle movie.

In Louisiana, the next team of assassins are getting ready. I think this pair are posing as Cajun chefs and will poison them? Anyway, I find it somewhat uncanny that this movie gave the perfect reason for the bad guys to always know where the girls will be by having the tracker on Donna’s watch, right? Yet, every time they go somewhere in the interest of finding safety, there are already assassins waiting for them in that location.

This movie is not without some comedy this time around. The plot, once again, is extremely simple. Donna and Nicole are in a Most Dangerous Game all over the country. That’s it. However, there is a cheekiness to the movie. The assassins in Louisiana need to act Cajun. They make one specific dish that is poisoned for Donna and Nicole, but Nicole wants something else to eat which leaves them confused as to what to do, so they have to convince the girls to eat what they’ve poisoned. It’s leaning a little more to the comedic elements. And, what’s a huge upturn from last week, this is a fun movie to watch.

Nicole figures out their food is poisoned because she gives a little to the restaurant cat and it dies from the poison quickly. While Shane arrives with another incredibly busty agent we’ve not met yet. Lucas and Edy arrive, and everyone chases after the fleeing assassins. All the while, banjo music plays. It’s a fun sequence that ends up with Donna dropping a grenade on the boat the assassins were trying to use to escape. The assassins get arrested and sent away.

We’re basically at the midway point of the movie. That usually means, in an Andy Sidaris movie, that we need to watch someone fuck. I start to get worried a bit when Kane and his sexy assistant comes back from a meeting. He starts talking about risk or whatever, and then he starts talking about the risk tolerance for romance being this babe. I start to slow-mo yell at the screen, “NOOOOO MR. MIYAGI… DON’T RUIN MY LIIIIIFE!!!”

Thank fucking Christ they get interrupted by the beeping of the computer that is keeping track of his teams of assassins. It notifies them that the last group has been arrested. If you’re keeping track, this is now three teams defeated with three more teams left to go.

The good guys start to wonder how Kane’s teams know where to constantly find Donna and Nicole. I know that every time they’ve gone somewhere, the bad guys show up to shoot at them. What they don’t know is about the tracker. They wonder if there’s a mole inside the agency. If that’s the case, is it even possible for everyone to trust each other. It really doesn’t matter. That’s because we already know what the deal is. They just need to wait for each team to come to them and they’ll take them out. That’s my plan. I don’t know if that’s their plan too because my brain gets destroyed by the very next scene.

So, Mr. Miyagi gets shiatsu performed on him by his sexy assistant. It helps ease the stress of being a bad guy. She reads something form her shiatsu book about there being 200 bones in the body. Then she feels his erection and says it is now 201. His witty retort? “Not for long.” What does that mean? Does that mean that she’s going to cause him to lose his boner? Does that mean he’s going to be a two pump chump? Does that mean he has erectile dysfunction? Help me out here, movie.

Also, uh… Boners are bones?

Anyway, our team of good guys arrive at a safehouse they think will be their last refuge and easiest to defend. They set up watch duty. They get settled. Bruce is first up to stand guard for the first four hours before Lucas takes over. Nicole wants to get on that dick duty.

Now, I kind of figure this is the last thing Bruce should be doing during guard duty? He makes out with her instead of looking for bad guys. Bad guys, I remind you, are trying to also kill Nicole. When he decides it’s time to get down, Bruce, like a dummy, tosses his gun away from him onto the ground. Though, I suppose you don’t want to fuck on top of a loaded gun. That probably wouldn’t be that good. They fuck long and slow on the ground. Meanwhile, I can just picture the remaining teams of assassins just sneaking around and flooding into doors and windows because the guy on guard duty is getting his balls emptied in a pile of leaves.

Guess what this safehouse has? Cable TV? No. A win cellar? Probably not. Reliable wi-fi? Oh surely not. Hot tub?

A fuckin’ hot tub. It’s hilarious because hot tubs in these movies are almost fetishized. Andy Sidaris wrote all of these movies. You have to believe that it’s basically putting babes into whatever situation he enjoys. Radio Controlled Airplane competition? That’s cool but it’s cooler if you have babes there. What’s the lap of luxury? Hot tubs, of course. What about babes? Are they hot? Yes! Are they hotter in a hot tub? Oh, boy, yes they are!

Everyone likes a hot tub. Sure. I don’t know anyone who actually loves a hot tub. I don’t think they are easy to care for or at least I don’t think they aren’t something that couldn’t have constant issues with from not producing a lot of bubble action with the jets to not making water warm enough to generally being a place in which fungus can grow very easily. Let’s not even talk about the nightmare of fucking in one of those things.

It is so clear that Andy Sidaris himself thinks it’s a status of some sort to have a hot tub and have it mostly populated, in or around it, by women either in bathing suits or naked. It’s such an old school thing to be enamored with. It’s what you expect dirty old men chomping on cigars to want to do – get in the hot tub and talk about big-tittied babes. I love ol’ Uncle Andy, but he is indeed a dirty old man who probably chomped on lots of cigars and sure as hell talked about big-tittied babes in his hot tub while trying to figure out how to make movies that put those big-tittied babes in the hot tub. It’s like how people are starting to look back on people who did or still do own Hummers. You get a specific idea of what these people are like and what their driving instincts are as people seeking status. Hot tubs are the Hummers of the 70s and 80s. By the 90s, it’s starting to show your age – much like people who own Hummers in 2022 are starting to show their age.

Anyway, while Erik Estrada juggles some baseballs and the girls relax in the hot tub, a couple guys with motorcycles show up to do some fishing on the dock. Erik Estrada doesn’t think too much more about it once they sit down with the fishing poles, but they are, indeed, the next team of assassins to try to kill Donna and Nicole.

And they brought fucking Megatron with them! Who is this assassin Pretender Starscream? (Deep cut for my TF nerds out there…)

The assassins miss when Donna hands a cigarette to the new blonde girl who has the watermelon knockers. Donna wants to to go after the guys who just tried to kill her but Erik Estrada tells her to stay put while he and Bruce go after them. It’s a two-on-two motorcycle chase! The assassins split up and Erik Estrada and Bruce do the same thing to chase them down. Bruce is able to catch one of the guys and shoot him dead because the assassin runs into a plate glass window that is basically just free standing in the woods for some reason.

Not to be outdone, Erik Estrada has these baseballs he is either always holding or juggling or whatever. He runs out of bullets and starts chucking those things at his bad guy. He eventually throws one that is basically a grenade. Now, instead of the bad guy using his shotgun to shoot Erik Estrada when he throws the ball, the guy decides to use his shotgun as a bat. He swings, he connects, he explodes.

Apparently, the very best of the assassins, who are, well, batting sixth aren’t being allowed into the field yet. Fuck. If they are the best, and Kane knows it… Do it. Anyway, back at the safehouse, the team splits up. Shane Abilene and Edy, and Lucas, and the blonde with the bazongas leave. Erik Estrada says to meet them back at a particular time and that everyone needs to synchronize their watches. Edy doesn’t have a watch. Donna lends her the one she’s wearing with the tracker on it. This crew who have split off from Donna, Nicole, Erik Estrada, and Bruce are going to pick up some guns that have night vision scopes. While combing the grounds, Shane and the big boob blonde (to which I will now refer to as BBB for the rest of this article) bump into each other and decide to just fuck instead of doing their jobs.

The next morning, the fifth team of assassins ride in on their jet skis. But who do they zero in on? The team who went to pick up the guns because of Donna’s watch that Edy is wearing. Naturally, Shane is having to fire back at the assassins while Lucas drives the speed boat. Shane can’t shoot for shit. Why? He’s an Abilene. Lucas and Edy take over and with two bullets down the two killers.

This means that it is finally time for the best of the assassins, Kane’s own bad asses, Lew and Chen, to step up to the plate. These two dudes practice their kung fu with each other and then it’s time to head out into the field. Back at the safehouse, the good guys all get dressed up their sexiest action clothes – which are mostly leather jackets and real tight pants. They go to a different safehouse and first point fingers at BBB as being a mole, but Lucas says he personally chose him and Erik Estrada so they are clean. Edy microwaves a pizza and it causes the satellite chip on her watch to fritz out. They get a phone call at the house where they shouldn’t get unexpected calls. It’s Kane. He proposes hand to hand combat between Lew and Chen and Donna and Nicole. Lucas just tells him to get fucked and hangs up. Erik Estrada says it’s time for Kane to play by their rules.

Whatever those rules are.

It probably has something to do with silicone.

And hot tubs.

And Entertech water guns used as prop guns.

And inappropriate times to have sex.

The above shot of Donna and Erik Estrada fucking in the Olympic sized hot tub in that safehouse comes with less than 20 minutes to go in the movie. That seems awfully close to the end to add a slow-mo sex scene. The next morning, against Lucas’ wishes, Nicole and Donna contact Kane and ask him where they should go meet Chen and Lew. They go to a part of the woods where these guys, dresses as ninjas (naturally) jump them. Donna puts up a pretty good fight and even downs one of them fairly quickly before Nicole can do the same to her adversary. They run off and the ninjas follow.

Luckily, the girls lead the guys into a bit of their own ambush. This includes a tree that Nicole finds a baseball bat in to bash her opponent in the fucking face with. Donna has a throwing star to incapacitate her bad guy by tossing it right into his leg. Now, Nicole tosses away her bat. That’s stupid. The ninjas also have their own weapons stashed. They also still have the tracker thing – which I don’t think should be working anymore because of the microwave incident? Ah fuck it.

Meanwhile, in another part of the woods, Erik Estrada is getting that radio controlled chopper ready with some missiles. That finally comes into play when the girls lead the ninjas into a shack with a tape recorder and a pair of mannequins. Erik Estrada flies the chopper up to the shack and the girls fire the missiles and it blows the fuck up in good ol’ Uncle Andy fashion.

I feel like Kane should be able to get better assassins than these dorks he sent after Donna and Nicole. What do I know? Oh! Wait! There’s still Kane! What about Kane? Well, Kane’s girlfriend, Silk, is now working for the agency. Also, they were able to track Kane similarly to how he was tracking the girls. I guess that’s a thing that will be dealt with in another movie in the series?

Well, I’m not so sure. I don’t think Pat Morita ever shows up again. A character named Kane does show up in the next movie, but he’s played by a 27 year old guy. Pat Morita is decidedly not 27 years old.

That hardly matters. This is a major step up from Guns. That movie was not very fun and had some really rough spots that didn’t make the movie very fun. Yes, it had two amazing things that happened in the final minutes of the movie, but as a whole, this movie is better – even if there aren’t any high points like Guns had at the conclusion. Do or Die keeps to the KISS standard (Keep It Simple Stupid). We remain mostly entertained by a fast pace and lots of action set pieces, and we get to see some boobs. It’s a little weird where they place those boobs, but it’s boobs nonetheless.

There is something very different to this movie that we aren’t used to in this series. Most of the past movies either took place in Hawaii or Las Vegas. There are exceptions like Malibu Express being a Texas movie or Savage Beach, but the latter at least still had a tropical location. This movie is mostly in Louisiana. It’s also either winter or late fall because the trees are mostly bare from fallen leaves. It’s not a tropical movie at all. It’s kind of like the Bond film Skyfall. It has a huge stretch taking place at the Bond home in Scotland way the fuck up in the gloomy bits of Scotland.

That looked weird with this entry, but, to be fair, it was just nice to see something different than Hawaii or Vegas. It also had that whole back to basics feel to bring the fun back.

Well, here we are – the end of Andy Sidaris Month. That’s kind of sad, but we’re not going to be staying away from ol’ Uncle Andy for that long. We’ll probably get the next two entries, Hard Hunted and Fit to Kill in before the end of the year. Also, I want to look at a non-Triple B series film of his, Stacey, at some point in the future as well. But, with the six we’ve already covered, we are at the halfway point of this series, and it’s time to put the series away for a bit.

But next month… Well, we’re going to blow the sexual nature of these movies out of the water. We’re going from Andy Sidaris to Tinto Brass. Yeah… That Tinto Brass. Brass was an avant garde filmmaker before mostly becoming well known for his erotic films. And that is what we’re going to be looking at all month of February long starting next week with Cheeky! So be sure to be here in one week’s time for that. In the meantime, though, be sure to head over to Facebook and Twitter to follow B-Movie Enema there. Then, go over to the B-Movie Enema YouTube channel and give us a subscribe so you can watch some of the first two seasons of B-Movie Enema: The Series and the currently monthly B-Movie Enema Triple Features!

Until then, keep it warm and keep blowing shit up with tiny rocket launchers!

2 thoughts on “Do or Die (1991)

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