Private (2003)

Here we are in the third week of Tinto Brass Extravaganza at B-Movie Enema, and, so far, we’ve had a sex comedy with very confusing messaging and a very serious erotic Nazi drama. This week, we do something different again – we have ourselves an anthology. Private, as it is titled here, is made up of six independent vignettes.

The vignettes largely deal with couples and their various sexual turn-ons and either retelling stories that feature them or a pursuit of doing these things. Mostly, we’re looking into the lives of normal people who have kinks. The title in Italian is Fallo! which is translated to English as Do It! However, Fallo is also the Italian word for Phallus. So it’s a little bit of a play on words again as with the Italian title for Cheeky! a couple weeks ago.

Just guessing, but I assume all the potential titles that you can use for this film all tips the film’s hand at showing these private moments of couples, their perversions, and the tendency of these people to want to, or be encouraged to continue to, keep doing what they are doing. I will give Brass one thing – he has lovely free association with his titles and plots. Also, the Italian Fallo! cover of this movie looks like a dick with a giant set of balls. Also, the Private DVD cover looks like an American back room porno tape.

Because these are vignettes at play in this movie, I’m going to separate each one with its title. It seems to make these easy, especially because the are all independent of the others. I will say that the music opens with this grand, kind of classic, “we’re gonna put on a show for ya!” type of music. I worry this will be more comedic like Cheeky! and less thought provoking like Black Angel.

Alibi

Our first story features the lovely Sara Cosmi playing Cinzia on vacation with her husband of seven years, Gianni, played by Massimiliano Caroletti. They wake up in the morning. He’s got a massive hard on and he wants to start the morning off with a heaping bowl of his wife’s pussy. She kind of blows it off and says it’s weird when he stares at it. He then says that her gynecologist stares at her so why can’t he.

Gianni has a weird fixation about Cinzia’s gynecologist. He thinks that her doc likes to take longer than usual looks. He also wants to know all about her last visit. At that point, she’s like, “Fine, just eat me out. Better than having to deal with your weird fetish.” (my words, not hers but that’s what she was basically saying) and he thinks about it for a minute but decides to do another of his weirdo things.

He’s gonna use his electric toothbrush on her. Now I know what you might think. You might think, “Oh this is just a joke. It’s their thing. Like an inside joke… right? Right?” Nope. He puts that toothbrush right on her hood. It drives her wild.

He then tells her to tell him the story of her last visit to her box doc. Naturally, this is super idealized with her wearing sexy clothes and stockings and heels and sexy panties and such. There’s a hazy, heavenly look to the office while harp music plays. The doc puts a bunch of lube on her and then begins massaging that pussy. It’s quite the moment for Cinzia.

We’re in the first few minutes of the first story of this sex anthology and things are already weird, boys and girls.

Gianni then wants more details about how this fantasy situation with her old doc led to him plowing her with his “beautiful cock”. He also tosses some extra flavor into this fantasy by saying she needs more than just a cock in the pussy. She also needs one in the butt. In fact, he thinks a threesome would be quite fun with one of the local Moroccans.

Gianni orders breakfast and it’s brought by one of those local Moroccans. He sees Cinzia writhe out from under the sheets with an exposed pussy and butthole. Goddamn, we’re back to buttholes. Anyway, the hotel guy gets a good look at the lovely blonde, and Gianni kind of likes that the guy got an eyeful.

Gianni wakes Cinzia up to eat and he mentions that the Moroccan who came in with breakfast was certainly nice. She blurts out “Ali” – which is, indeed, the staffer’s name. Gianni is surprised that she knew his name. It’s possible that she was sort of awake when it was said, but she wasn’t. So… how did she know that? Well, she just says, “Isn’t everyone here named Ali or Baba?”

Nothing like some early morning casual racism to get your day started.

Gianni says he’d like to watch Ali fuck her. She nearly chokes on her toast. He continues to try to convince her to fuck a stranger. She then kind of confesses to purposely throwing the covers off to show Ali her body. Gianni figures out that if only she had an alibi, she’d be more likely to put out to Ali or another local.

Later, Gianni goes to discuss the matter with Ali. Ali is kind of into it. They set up the plan for him to bring a bottle of champagne to their room when he is done with his shift. And so, at 2am sharp, Ali comes into the room with the new bottle of champagne and takes Gianni’s place between Cinzia’s legs while she arouses herself. They turn her around and Gianni takes the backdoor and Gianni comes in through the front.

…and that’s how it ends.

I guess that’s fine. It’s fine. Not really much to talk about. It’s just a husband who wants to finger cuff his wife with the bartender at the hotel they are staying at for their seventh anniversary. Sara Cosmi is hot and it’s kind of playful, but it’s like the thing you think about to get aroused or to crank one out and once it has done its purpose, it’s over and you movie on. So, let’s move on!

Double Trouble

Story #2 stars Silvia Rossi as Stefania. Stefania is married to TV producer Luigi (Andrea Nobili). She is playing tennis with friend of the couple, Bruno (Max Parodi). Interesting thing about Stefania that is kind of neat to see – she doesn’t shave her armpits. I believe that might already be somewhat common across the various Mediterranean countries and cultures, but it’s not commonly seen in a scenario that also involves sex.

At the very least, in 2003, it was very uncommon over here in North America.

Luigi is late as always. He calls Stefania and says that he has to stay at the office. She’s pissed. She knows that he’s cheating on her. Meanwhile, Bruno’s wife, Erika (Federica Tommasi), is quite the sex bomb. That’s who Luigi is fucking around with. Erika asks about where Stefania is, and Luigi says the tennis court where she had better hope Stefania isn’t fucking her husband. Erika is there to get the presenter role on a new show. She figures if the producer is the one who makes the decision, then she’ll fuck him to get the job. If it’s the director (who she is already married to), well, she’ll go back to being a dutiful wife.

The women in this segment are definitely different. One doesn’t shave her armpits (no judgment here at all). The other dresses like a futuristic hippie (definitely no judgment from me).

Meanwhile, back at the tennis court, Stefania decides to tease Bruno a bit with her super short tennis skirt. They go to the locker rooms to change clothes, but clearly it’s about to go down between those two.

In Luigi’s office, he has Erika dance around for him like a goofball. He then has her get on all fours between his legs and blow him. By the way, oftentimes, the dicks in these movies look like prosthetics, but not here. We are seeing some real shit here. First, Federica Tommasi gets finger penetrated by Andrea Nobili. Then, she clearly blows him.

It gets oddly more explicit than that without actually showing proof of anything actually going on. In the showers at the tennis club, Stefania blows Bruno and there is at least simulated cum on her face. She also finger penetrates Bruno.

Anyway, Bruno, comes home to a topless Erika making dinner for them. They both lie, and clearly so, too. Bruno says he was with Luigi. Erika says she was with Stefania. Of course, they both know they were fucking the other’s spouse. Both couples spend the night together doing their usual maritals.

This one has a little more to it. It’s clear everyone knows everyone is fucking everyone else. That’s actually kind of cute as a story idea. Everyone knows everyone else’s secret. Everyone is still happy to go home to their spouse. It’s just a little cheeky fun between adults. So, we improved a little bit. The first story was just a straight up fantasy thing. The second actually had some kind of subtext and story that pulls the curtain back on the lives of two friendly couples.

2 Hearts & 1 Hut

Here we are… Already to the third short. In this, we meet the sweet and somewhat innocent Katarina (Raffaella Ponzo). She is a maid at a retreat where a German dominatrix, Frau Bertha (Virginia Barrett), and her male slave, Mr. Otto (Leo Mantovani), come to stay. Katarina, is playing the maid at the resort, and Frau Bertha takes a liking to her right away.

After showing them to their room, and removing her shoes for her, Frau Bertha requests that Katarina and only Katarina would come to their service when called. The 300 Euro tip Katarina received from them is enough to do their bidding.

Later, Katarina is having a little break with her boyfriend, the resort’s chef, Ciro (Stefano Gandolfo), and she tells him about the tip. At first, Ciro wasn’t so sure about a German dominatrix showing his girlfriend her bits under the woman’s skirt, but now? 300 Euros? He can get over it.

That said, you can’t make those tips unless you come when Frau Bertha calls you, so Katarina (gosh she’s good looking) does exactly that. Frau Bertha asks Katarina to draw her a hot bath. She does and helps the dominatrix out of her knee-high boots. Katarina even helps soap up Frau’s boobs and sucks her toes. She’s working hard for that money.

As Katarina attends to Frau Bertha, Mr. Otto comes in and spanks Katarina. Ciro is shocked to hear that Katarina went back to do some sexy business with the duo, but is pretty fine with the 500 Euros she got for this latest service. The couple decide that maybe Katarina should keep going because it’s one way to start their own hotel.

Next time, Katarina and Frau Bertha perform oral on each other. This time Mr. Otto gets in on the action by taking her butt. This time, Katarina got 1000 Euros. It ends with the couple talking about their plans for the hotel, and no mention of Katarina giving up her side hustle. But, Ciro is able to let his jealousy pass. After all, that’s how they are going to get 2 Hearts and 1 Hut built and he still gets to take full advantage of the sexual energy Katarina always comes back with.

This one is about as simple as it gets, but there is a lot of fun in the idea that a dominatrix comes to the hotel that a comely maid works at, and she basically sells her services to the dominatrix in order to build a new life for her and her boyfriend. It’s a little cuter than the first two, but still has a light tone and it’s the right mix of sexy and silly. I like to think that there never was any stopping Katarina. She just kept raking in the money from Frau Bertha and their little hotel never quite got built.

Jolly Bangs

Alright, let’s move onto story #4. The title “Jolly Bangs” makes me think this is gonna be a Christmas sex romp.

This one stars Angela Ferlaino as Raffaella. This feels like it is a little bit of a quicker pass at the story of Cheeky! in which we find out about the extra-marital affairs of Raffaella. As the story begins, Raffaella is on the beach with her husband, Ugo (Daniele Ferrari). She’s wearing a thong bikini and it’s creating some attention to which the husband would much prefer that she covered up.

They talk about how she often has screwed other guys whenever she goes somewhere without Ugo. He keeps calling Raffaella a slut. So, she decides to start telling him specifics. Each of her escapades are kind of silly and bonkers. She’s screwed half a hotel, all the staff, or she screws lots at once because just doing one would be true betrayal of her husband.

After telling her first story that either took place in Spain or Mexico, it could have been either, or, oddly, both. She notices that Ugo has a boner. He apparently isn’t so much against her affairs as he originally seemed.

She begins telling stories about how she cheated on him after they got married. She was working as a train controller and was getting screwed at every stop by the train’s conductor. As she keeps telling stories, the hornier Ugo gets to the point where he’s just eating her out on the beach. While he’s going down on her, she gets a call from the train conductor and Ugo realizes she was not just telling him stories, she actually was screwing around with him…

Uh…

Anyway, he’s satisfied because she said she did this for him to be able to fantasize about her fucking other guys because it turned him on, so no harm, no foul!

Uh…

This is the worst entry by far to this point. There’s little going on. It’s played as more of a comedy about a jealous guy being married to a cheating slut, but it’s the shortest entry and the one that has the least to say or do. I would almost have rather cut this out and used the 8 minutes it took up to add to the other stories in the movie.

Honni Soit Qui Mal Y Pense

I have no idea what this story’s title is. I couldn’t get it translated in Google or any other site. Some of the words are translated to “hurt” and “here” and “thinks”. I feel like it is something like “Honey, It Hurts to Think” or something like that. If anyone has any idea, let me know. It’s extra wild because, so far, the stories have had an English title that, in the case of “Jolly Bangs” and “Double Trouble”, don’t actually translate perfectly from Italian. The last two stories were not something a translator could decipher.

This stars Maruska Albertazzi as Anna.

Anna is hot. She getting her pic taken by her photographer fiancé, Franco, who works in his boxers. After getting her shot and the photographer gets hard, he wants to fuck her in the butt, but she refuses. She says not until they are married, but in the meantime, I guess this dude will have to settle for fucking her pussy.

Stupid, boring, vaginal sex.

The pics were quite successful. A couple, Mr. and Mrs. Noel, paid for their pictures and was quite taken by Anna. Anna and Franco accept an invitation to meet the Noels. They go to this house where Helen Noel (Grazia Morelli) and her husband, a Scottish satirist, Mr. Noel (Antonio Salinas) are serving drinks and showing sexy pictures they’ve collected. Like an asshole, Helen purposely pours champagne on Anna.

Anna says it’s no big deal because it’s only champagne and it supposedly brings you luck if spilled on you. Mr. Noel says for it to work, you have to touch it, so it allows Mr. Noel to get a feel in on Anna’s boob. Mr. Noel’s photo work is specifically photographing his wife naked at various hotels they’ve visited around the world.

In the bathroom where Helen is helping get Anna cleaned up after the champagne incident, Anna has to take a piss. Helen goes muff diving, while Anna is still on the toilet. Anna and Helen come back into the living room where it appears Anna is totally shitfaced. Helen takes Franco away leaving Anna and Mr. Noel alone. They flash each other playfully while Franco and Helen dance and get a little frisky together.

I guess this is just a good ol’ fashioned wife swap thing. Anna sees Franco fucking Helen while Mr. Noel asks to photograph Anna. Anna is pretty shitty about Franco fucking Helen, but she was just fucking around with Helen a few minutes ago…? Anyway, Anna has her fun with Mr. Noel where she leads him around like dogs in heat. He eventually catches her and fucks Anna. In the butt. He took Franco’s prize that he’s been waiting for their wedding to get.

She tells him that the offer still stands. When they get married, he can put it in her butt whenever he wants. He storms off saying that he wanted a virgin butt and Anna’s ruined it. Then the segment ends with a comedic musical sting while she’s wiping her sore ass after washing it.

This entry is maybe the weirdest. It’s not as good as the German dominatrix one or the producer’s wife fucking their friend while the friend’s wife is fucking the producer story, but it was okay. It’s just another of those situations you’d see in a late night Cinemax anthology show that has little setup but is mostly driven by sex and the desire to have it with whomever.

And now for the final entry…

Call Me Pig… Cause I Like It!

A newlywed couple, Rosy (Federica Palmer) and Oskar (Roberto Giullianelli) are honeymooning in London. Rosy is a little frustrated that Oskar keeps working all the time. Rosy is a teacher and proper in one regard, but a little playfully sexy in another. He decides he wants to kiss her butt and she shouts, “Oh Oskar! Fulfill! Fulfill!”

Oskar notices that there’s a tiny red light outside the window. Knowing that’s probably a camera or something watching them. Rosy saw it too when she was looking out the window, but kind of only sort of acknowledged it. Oskar wants to close the curtains, but Rosy protests. He realizes that she kind of wants to be seen.

Oskar takes Rosy lingerie shopping the next day. I realize that I’m kind of a perv for saying this but… I don’t know what class Rosy teaches, but I’d very much like to take said class. I don’t even care if it was an 8am class. I’d be there early and stay late every goddamn day.

This lingerie shop is really helpful. The clerk helps Rosy out of her clothes and puts the lingerie on while groping her and kissing and licking her neck. They even throw in a pussy massage for free!

Oskar likes what she has picked out and later they go back to their room. She decides to put something sexy on. Oskar spots the red light again and knows they are being watched. It kind of turns him on that his wife is being watched while they do the fuck.

She slips on her new g-string they bought earlier today and does a little show for him. This entry, out of all of them, is not only maybe the simplest, but is also, in this humble reviewer’s mind, the sexiest. This is a fairly normal couple. The husband is a guy who does business. Nothing overly special. The wife is a school teacher. That’s right up there with the librarian fetish/fantasy. Federica Palmer is gorgeous and cute. Her glasses and curly hair scores a ton of points for me. It’s a couple doing couple things on their honeymoon and they aren’t really overly attempting to cheat on each other. Yeah, sure, that clerk at that lingerie store was handsy and lipsy, but I’ll give that a pass because Rosy was still quite a bit more pure in these scenarios than you’d typically see a character in a Tinto Brass movie be.

This doesn’t require an acceptance of bizarre fetishes. It’s just a story of two lovers who like each other a lot, who don’t want to cheat on each other, and who are doing sexy things. You can’t do much better than that.

The story ends with Rosy excited to fuck in front of the voyeur across the street, played by Tinto Brass. She liked it because she thinks of herself as overly plain (she is not) and got off on the idea of multiple people lusting after her. It filled her with confidence (a kind of nice gesture). She over performs in bed with Oskar to satisfy the peeping tom across the street.

However, after the couple climaxes, the phone rings. She answers and it’s the voyeur. She looks suddenly kind of bummed out. That’s because the voyeur wasn’t looking at her. He was looking at Oskar. She wants to put on a show to showcase her husband’s dong, but Oskar starts to get a little prudish now that he’s the focus of the peeper’s affection. It’s a cute twist and Rosy going from kind of sad that it wasn’t what she thought to wanting to showcase her man was done kind of sweetly.

This final story was my favorite. It’s fun, it’s breezy, and it’s kind of sweet. Plus, Federica Palmer is my kind of lady. She made it easy to watch this and at only about 12 minutes, it turned out to be the perfect length for one of these stories. Bravo!

Since I talked about each one of these stories, there’s really not much more to say about Private as a whole. I think we can just bring this to a close. Next week, we’re finishing off the Tinto Brass Extravaganza with the 2005 drama Monamour about a frustrated housewife who starts an affair behind her boring husband’s back. That will be happening in one week’s time. In the meantime, follow B-Movie Enema on Facebook and Twitter and make sure to subscribe to the B-Movie Enema channel on YouTube to check out the various vids that get posted there.

See all you horny Enemaniacs next week when we put the lid on Tinto Brass!

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