Category: 2000s

Nine Dead (2009)

Published on by Geoff Arbuckle2 Comments

It’s another Melissa Joan Hart Month review here at B-Movie Enema!

By 2008, our lovely leading lady was married, a mom, and no longer Sabrina the Teenage Witch. For the most part, she was exploring other interests while still doing some TV work in guest appearances, like on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and in TV movies like 2007’s Holiday in Handcuffs. The latter, I suspect, started the work she did with ABC Family on cable and later led to lots of other holiday-themed TV movies. It also probably led to her being cast in 2009 on the main ABC network competition, Dancing with the Stars.

I digress. As part of her more grown-up roles that came after her work as Sabrina Spellman, we have the movie that is getting reviewed this week, 2009’s Nine Dead. Nine Dead was filmed over a few weeks in the summer of 2008. Hart is playing an Assistant District Attorney and has ditched her usual blonde locks for darker hair because she has a dark secret. In fact, everyone in this movie has some dark and serious shit to deal with. After the completion of filming, the movie kind of sat around until New Line Cinema would pick up the distribution rights and get this movie out on DVD and streaming.

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Backflash (2001)

Published on by Geoff Arbuckle3 Comments

Welcome to B-Movie Enema, my Enemaniacs.

It’s February. What happens in February? Well, it’s the last month we all have to deal with winter… if you aren’t in places like Miami or, I dunno, Calgary. That’s a good thing. It’s also the month that is basically dominated, at least in the first half of the month, by the lovey-dovey bullshit that is Valentine’s Day. That’s not such a great thing. It’s a Hallmark holiday. You should celebrate love and what have you every day…? Eh. Anyway, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, you do get those Conversation Hearts, and that’s a good thing.

But the best part of February is that on February 11, every goddamn year, I turn a year older. I get more and more detached from marketing campaigns. I get more and more gray, in the handsome, distinguished way. I get to have lunch with my dad at one of my favorite restaurants. And I get a lot of messages wishing me a good one. I used to not be a big fan of my birthday, but, dammit, I’ve kinda grown to like it the older I get.

So, for my own birthday, I’m celebrating here at B-Movie Enema with something I’ve been known to do from time to time. I’ve done it for Alyssa Milano, Phoebe Cates, and Jacqueline Lovell. It’s time to do what I’ve should have done a loooooong time ago, and do it for someone I’ve got a very long history with – Melissa Joan Hart. Yes, it’s Melissa Joan Hart Month for February! And we start with her in a supporting role in 2001’s Backflash.

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Dangerous Men (2005)

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What is it with these damn movies with “Men” in their titles?

Welcome to the 500th review at B-Movie Enema. Holy shit, 500! That’s the number of miles they go at the Indianapolis 500, or half the number of miles I would walk to be the man who falls down at your door! That’s how many dollars it would take to get me to… I dunno… visit Delaware or something. Nah, I’m just messin’ with ya, Delawarians.

Anyway, 500 reviews and it’s time to tackle one of the all-timers when it comes to being batshit insane – 2005’s Dangerous Men. This movie was mostly under the radar for a very, very long time. In fact, it had to because it took 21 years to make it! Production started in 1984 when director-producer John S. Rad (the pseudonym for Jahangir Salehi Yeganehrad) decided to try his hand at making movies. Yeganehrad/Rad was from Iran and worked as an architect on films. He came to the United States during the 1979 Iranian Revolution. Five years later, he began to audition actors for his first American film.

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Honorable Men (2004)

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Happy Independence Day, you dirty, dirty, dirty rebel Americans!

Okay, yes, I’m also an American, but I’m kind of trying to downplay that right now because, frankly, we’re kind of in our suck era, but whatever. That said, welcome to a new review at B-Movie Enema! This week, we have another film that was made somewhat infamous by the fine folks at RedLetterMedia. Those hacks and mega-single white boys have that show Best of the Worst each month, in which they feature bad movies and pick which one they find the most entertaining. Sometimes, they get one that’s fun. Sometimes, one of the movies is just utter shit. Sometimes, they are special.

That’s what we’re looking at today. That last one… The special classification. A couple of weeks ago, I looked at a movie that was a James Bond ripoff with a guy who has a partner who is a baboon. That was one that got featured on Best of the Worst. This week, we have one that would blow the balls off that James Bond ripoff and likely leave a lot of people staring blankly and saying, “Whoa…” if they took the time to watch it.

It’s a movie about guys, and girls, and cops, and bad guys… It’s Honorable Men.

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Monsturd (2003)

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There’s a line in that last song in Grease that has been cut out due to no one understanding what the fuck it meant in 1978: We go together like Monsturd and B-Movie Enema. And then there’s a bunch of nonsense words like someone is doing a 50s white boy scat before it says something about being remembered forever or some such shit.

Heh… scat.

Double heh… shit.

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The Uninvited (2009)

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Hello, Enemaniacs, and welcome to a new B-Movie Enema review!

This week, I’m going to be looking at a movie that would not have been on my radar if not for last year’s AMC Fear Fest, the October tradition of AMC playing horror movies pretty much all day and all night for the entire month leading up to Halloween. One of the things that I often find myself chuckling about when it comes to Fear Fest is that it seems like almost every time I turn on AMC on any random October day, Halloween 5 is usually playing. It’s almost without fail that’s what’s on when I tune in. The other thing that is almost a constant on Fear Fest is a whole slew of underwhelming 2000s horror.

And that’s where we pick up for this week’s review. 2009’s The Uninvited mostly slipped through just about every crack of the rickety dock over a dirty pond. For the most part, I only knew two things before I started watching it that fateful day on AMC Fear Fest. The first is that the trailer for this movie was before every single Friday the 13th movie DVD I had in the multi-pack I had before I upgraded to the Blu-Ray. Second, it starred that one girl who was in Zack Snyder’s shitty Sucker Punch movie.

Sucker Punch may be a review for another day…

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Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

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Welcome back to B-Movie Enema and the final week of Troma Month!

This month has been a fun one, hasn’t it? Whether it’s a love letter to Kaufman’s appreciation of William Shakespeare in the romance Tromeo and Juliet, or the earlier Tromaville kids run amok horror Class of Nuke ‘Em High, or the most Troma film of them all, Terror Firmer… It’s been a good time visiting these classics from the 80s and 90s master of gross-out comedy, horror, and comedy-horror, Lloyd Kaufman. But now, we bring things to a close with another dark comedy-horror from the man himself. However, this time, we have a bit of a twist.

This time we have a musical.

Yes, it’s Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. This time around, Kaufman has a little uncredited help from one of the co-writers of the film, Gabriel Friedman. Friedman would go on to be a producer for specials for the cable channels E! and G4, as well as for online series like The IGN Show. In fact, he mostly worked on a lot of specials and behind-the-scenes stuff, including making-of documentaries for Troma films like Terror Firmer and Citizen Toxie. His writing credits are mostly for Troma films like this one, Make Your Own Damn Movie!, the aforementioned fourth Toxie flick, and Lloyd Kaufman’s most recent, #ShakespearesShitstorm.

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Big Man Japan (2007)

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Welcome back, Enemaniacs!

Yup, it’s another Friday and another review here at B-Movie Enema. This week, allow me to take you to the magical islands of Japan. There, we’ll meet Masaru Daisatou. Daisatou-san is seemingly a normal guy, but he’s got a special superpower. That superpower allows him to grow about 30 meters in height when he receives a jolt of high voltage electricity. He uses this superpower to fight monsters just as his father and grandfather did before him in the identity of Big Man Japan.

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