Captain America (1979)

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You know…  I don’t think the skeevy guy with the folding table and all the medallions and the chest hair with the white DVD boxes with “Captain America Good Action Yeah” written in Sharpie on it was telling the truth when I asked him if this was the new Captain America: Civil War movie I’ve heard so much about lately.

The late 70s really did give it an honest go by trying to adapt comic book heroes in a grown-up way.  On TV, you had Wonder Woman and The Incredible Hulk. On the big screen you had none other than Superman just flat out killin’ it.  There were some duds like Isis and Shazam, but the successful stuff kinda outshined the bad. Continue reading “Captain America (1979)” →

Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things (1972)

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Today’s feature is something of a classic for many zombie movie lovers.  Directed under the name of Benjamin Clark, Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things is a truly fun, and utterly insane movie.

I wanted to make mention of the director’s name, because the rest of the world will know Mr. Clark better as Bob Clark, director of such classics as Porky’s, Black Christmas, and A Christmas Story.  Yes, this guy is not only responsible for this movie, but all your most classic Christmas memories. Continue reading “Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things (1972)” →

The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966)

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Let’s take a trip to the beach in this swingin’ 60s teenage romp!

Starring Tommy Kirk, Deborah Walley, Nancy Sinatra, with classic horror stars Basil Rathbone and Boris Karloff, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini raises a few questions.  First, I wonder what Karloff and Rathbone’s asking prices were.  Second, are we going to see the titular ghost’s tits?  Finally, how bad is this movie gonna suck balls?

I mean, is the invisible bikini like…  Is it a ghost too?  Did the girl die and then, in an unrelated accident, the bikini died too?  So the bikini is also a ghost?  Or… or maybe, just maybe, the bikini is made out of a fabric that is invisible too?  Maybe the girl died, like by being murdered by a real bad guy?  And he chopped her up and only kept the bikini top and bottom bits so it’s not so much that the bikini itself is invisible, but that the ghost doesn’t have those bits because the crazy guy kept those bits of her body?  I mean, if you go cuckoo bananas and chop up a girl, those would be the parts you’d keep right?  Like, the best parts? Continue reading “The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966)” →

The Delta Force (1986)

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Welcome back to B-Movie Enema.  Your weekly dose of bad movies, and sweet baby Jesus, do we have what will sure be a doozy.  Not only are we jumping back into the Cannon Films library, but we’re going to be looking at a Chuck Norris classic.

Not just any Chuck Norris classic, either…  The mother of all Chuck Norris classics – The Delta Force.

In the mid 1980s, we were in a pretty interesting time.  The Cold War was starting to slow down a bit as the USSR had a leader who was no longer seemingly interested in being our enemy.  The Monkees were celebrating their 20th anniversary.  Ronald Reagan was in charge and patriotism seemed to be at an all time high. Continue reading “The Delta Force (1986)” →

Avengers Grimm (2015)

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Not long ago, I paid a long overdue visit to the library of Cannon Films by covering the utterly irredeemable crapfest known as King Solomon’s Mines.  Now, I am about to make another real bad choice and dive into The Asylum.

Ah yes, the schlock factory, The Asylum.  They make their living off of making movies with titles that seem somewhat familiar to dummies who A) don’t know the name of the movie they think they want to see and B) too stupid enough to think the movie they saw a commercial for coming out to the theaters is already on demand or in video stores.  Trust me, there are a ton of these dummies out there. I worked at a video store for years and it never ceased to amaze me how often we were asked for a movie that had not even yet come out in theaters to see if we had any copies of it already. Continue reading “Avengers Grimm (2015)” →

Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde (1976)

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Oh sweet fuckin’ Christmas have I got a treat for you this week.

Most wouldn’t think this about me (you know, because I’m a pretty pasty white dude and all), but I love, and I mean LOVE, blaxploitation movies.  They are so fucking cool that I dare you to present to me any five cool guys, and I promise you their combined coolness cannot match up to a single one of the blaxploitation flicks of the 70s.  The ones that are so much cooler than anything in this universe, like Shaft, Superfly, or [insert Pam Grier movie here], you are going to have a real hard time presenting the top 100 coolest people in the world and me say that they are collectively cooler than any of the best of the best in blaxploitation. Continue reading “Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde (1976)” →

Thirst (1979)

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This week’s B-Movie Enema is a bit of a change of pace.  First, it’s a good movie.  Second, it’s an interesting take on an old idea.

From Australia, allow me to present to you Rod Hardy’s Thirst…

I should note that the director, Hardy, has gone on to work on some things of note relatively recently.  He’s directed episodes of Battlestar Galactica, The X-Files, The Librarians, and Supernatural.  So he’s no schlub.  The film also stars a beautiful actress by the name of Chantal Contouri who is a little Greek and a little Australian, and all around alright by me.  While she did have a brief stint on General Hospital in the late 80s, for the most part, she’s primarily stayed in Australia and been on many of their TV shows.  Unfortunately, we don’t get many of those so I can’t give any overview of that in any real sense like the shows that Rod Hardy worked on here in the States. Continue reading “Thirst (1979)” →

King Solomon’s Mines (1985)

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Finally!  Cannon Films arrives to an appointment for a B-Movie Enema!  Let us rejoice!

So yes, this blog is all about the little movies.  Those that get forgotten because they weren’t as big budget as Star Wars, or as classic as Casablanca, or as divisive among the sexes like Titanic (and, trust me, all the dudes LOVE Titanic).  Then we get the 80s powerhouse studio, Cannon Films, and they kinda blow the lid off of what truly is a B-movie.

They would produce big time action movies like Delta Force, or spend tons of money on a single star like Sylvester Stallone.  They make sci-fi movies with a huge scope like Lifeforce or Masters of the Universe.  Or grand adventures like today’s film, King Solomon’s Mines. Continue reading “King Solomon’s Mines (1985)” →