Tag: action

The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988)

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Marvel Comics…  Man, what more can I possibly say about how awesome they are?  Obviously, they know what they are doing with their movies.  Over the past 20 years, Marvel has, for the most part, cranked out great superhero movie after great superhero movie.  Starting with 1998’s Blade all the way up to today’s Thor: Ragnarok, no other movie studio has come close to recreating their source material into a major motion picture.

However, there was about 20 years before the release of Blade that things were pretty lean for Marvel getting their intellectual properties into movies.  So, I’ll be looking at four of these attempts this month.  There’s no better place to start than right here with The Incredible Hulk Returns.

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Darktown Strutters (1975)

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It’s not every day that someone gets to say “Last week I watched My Stepmother Is an Alien and this week, I’m taking a look at Darktown Strutters.”  I feel pretty accomplished.

Not only do I feel accomplished by typing a sentence that I’m sure no one has this past decade, but I’m fast approaching the centennial mark for B-Movie Enema!  This marks the 91st entry of this blog.  That means that before the end of November, I’ll have hit 100 posts.  How do I plan on celebrating that mark?

By taking a small break to pursue some other projects which could mean some significant overhauls to this blog.

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Rollerball (1975)

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The 1970s were so fucking cool.  If I was somehow able to, I’d have raunchy back alley sex with the entire decade.  Sure, there’d be a lot of pubic hair, chest hair, and medallions, but goddammit I’d be one satisfied weirdo.

And I can say all that for two reasons.  1) I am a weirdo so I might as well be a satisfied one.  2) I was born in the 70s.  Like with a few years to spare too.  It wasn’t like I was born on December 30, 1979, I was born in February of 1977.  So I existed in the decade I want to make dirty, dirty love to.

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Steel (1997)

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Shaq Attack!

Until today, I’ve only seen one Shaquille O’Neal movie ever – Blue Chips.  And that movie was “supposed” to be “good”.  It wasn’t.  If you want to watch a good movie about a basketball player going into college starring an actual basketball player, watch Spike Lee’s He Got Game.

I’m already off topic.

The point I’m trying to make is that I like Shaq on the court.  I like Shaq on pre-game and halftime shows.  I like Shaq in commercials hocking insurance from The General.  But let’s not deny the fact that, besides being a guy who I think is seemingly terribly nice and charismatic as a person, he can’t act.

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xXx (2002)

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Fuck yeah, bro!  I finally get to talk about my favorite pastime…  XXX!  Porn!  Gross people doing gross shit to each other!!!

What’s that?

Vin Diesel?  Asia Argento?  Tattoos?  Okay, well, I mean I guess Vin Diesel is okay.  Not sure I want to see his schlong, but Asia Argento?  I wanna see what tattoos she has in places that aren’t usually available to the naked (heh) eye.  She’s probably into some weird shit too…

Say what?

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Masters of the Universe (1987)

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Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned that this might be one of the very worst span of four weeks during one summer movie slate ever?  It started with July’s Jaws: The Revenge and Superman IV: The Quest of Peace, and now ends with one of the more spectacular Cannon Films failures, Masters of the Universe.

The origin of how this movie came about takes root from the Mattel smash toy hit of the same name.  Trust me, when I was little, everyone had He-Man toys.  We’d walk around and ask each other if they want to play “He-Mans” and usually had our figures in tow at all times.  We fucking loved this shit.  What’s funny is that the toys were super cheaply made.  For the most part, every figure had the same overly muscular body spray-painted different colors with different heads and different accessories or attachments.  When you have a bunch of of the very same body for every male figure, it makes production costs quite a bit lower and gives you much more of a profit when these things sold like crazy hotcakes.

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Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

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What’s this?  Another utterly disappointing fourth film in a franchise to be released in July of 1987?  You bet it is!

In a span of four weeks in the middle of the summer of 1987, moviegoers had to be subjected to Jaws: The Revenge from Universal, this week’s feature, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Masters of the Universe.  The latter two being massively popular intellectual properties for young kids – both released by Cannon Films.

That’s fucking depressing to know that much shit flew out of screens into your face in such a short period of time.

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Spider-Man 3 (2007)

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Earlier this summer, Spider-Man 3 turned 10 years old.  It’s really odd to think about that.  The third of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man Trilogy is only 10 years old.

Since the release of this movie, ALL of the Avengers movies have been released – among all the other outlying Marvel movies.  DC has now created four movies in their own expanded universe.  There have been 7 X-Men movies – including an entire trilogy of Wolverine movies and a completely rebooted X-Men series.

And as of today, Spider-Man himself has been rebooted twice.

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