Piranha 3DD (2012)

Man…  Now that I’ve survived Asylum Month, I’m not sure I can contain my excitement.  Frankly, I wasn’t sure if I could carry on with anything other than sitting around a living room littered with empty pizza boxes while I go unshaven and unbathed and gorging myself on ice cream straight from the container.

However, the darkness parted and here we are – June.  I’ve survived the darkest month of my life since I resurrected this blog a little over a year ago and I’m ready to celebrate.  So!  I bring to you the start of a summer full of anniversaries!  Starting this week until the end of August, I’ll be shifting my focus not only on movies that are celebrating some sort of anniversary ending with either a 0 or a 5, but I’m also getting back to basics.  Shitty movies that bring the simplest of pleasures – monsters, shitty stories, titties, dumbness, and a few halfway decent things mixed in.  We start with this week’s movie – Piranha DD (or Piranha 3DD if you saw it on the big screen with 3D glasses to make dem dubba d’s leap off the screen and practically motorboat themselves on your face) which celebrates the fifth anniversary since its release this upcoming week.

Am I selecting this movie as a bit of a softball lob over the plate after a particularly harrowing Asylum Month?  You betcha!  Am I selecting this primarily on the promise of seeing giant jugs on hot women in bikinis?  Oh my god, yes I am!  Have I seen the 2010 Piranha 3D that this sequelized?  Um…  No.  No, I have not.

Do I care?  You bet your fuckin’ bippy I don’t care one bit!

I’m so renewed after shedding the exoskeleton of The Asylum that I don’t even care about the synopsis.  All I know is this movie has boobies, killer fish, Ving Rhames with gun legs, and the lovely Danielle Panabaker.  That’s all I need.  I’m excited to get back to basics and watch a silly movie with lots of things I like, so let’s get to it already!

In the very first second of this movie, we’re given shots of boat parties of bikini-clad girls shaking their asses right in the camera.  Hot damn, I made a good choice.  It then shifts to a news report recapping that just twelve months ago, the “Spring Break Capital of the World”, Lake Victoria, is in ruin after scores of people were killed by a species of piranha long thought to be extinct.  Ominously, the newscaster asks if this could happen somewhere else.

In Arizona, a couple fishermen, played by Return of the Living Dead’s Clu Gulager (the director’s pop), and Gary fuckin’ Busey are getting into a lake to retrieve a dead cow.  There are weird, almost alien, eggs near the cow and floating from its mouth.  There is also a scary looking fish swimming around them.  They realize something is moving around inside the cow’s belly, but as they investigate, the cow farts out a couple more eggs.  Like a goddamn idiot, Gary Busey holds a lighter closer to the cow’s butt to see what’s going on, but it causes a giant explosion.  No duh, guys…  Lighter plus farty butt equals explosive results.  Clu gets blown to shit, but Busey is able to get back to the dock with piranhas biting his face.

At a water park, Maddy (Panabaker – looking just swell) arrives to see her stepdad, Chet (David Koechner), advertising for the park.  He’s replaced all the lifeguards with “water certified” strippers.  He also set up an “Adult Pool” which is essentially a strip club in a pool.  I… really like the way Maddy’s creepy stepdad thinks.

Maddy does not like the way her creepy stepdad thinks.

Do I even need to mention that there is a ridiculous amount of nudity in these first ten minutes?  I mean, like, full frontal.  It’s even played up to as well.  Chet just has naked women all over the place and he even has a “bush cam” set up for when girls get out of the pool to get a shot at their, well, bushes.  It’s one of those things you just don’t see anymore in movies of the recent era.  I mean I’ve seen all sorts of movies in the 70s and 80s that had incredibly dumb reasons for nudity.  I’m no stranger to it.  If you’ve read some of the other reviews I’ve done, you know I’m all about that stuff in these stupid movies.  I mean, in many instances, it’s the nudity that keeps me interested in these movies.  However, it’s gotten to the point that it has become a strange thing to see so much nudity in a movie that you almost wonder how this is still an R rated movie.

But I digress.

“Hai guyzzz!  My name is Notquitejaws.”

We meet a few of Maddy’s friends.  There’s hot blonde girl, Shelby, and hot black girl, Ashley.  Then there’s a trio of guys hooking up with them.  Maddy has some history with a local cop dude.  Shelby likes a guy who probably is only looking to hook up (and might like Ashley).  Ashley is about to have sex with some other dude, but through a series of unfortunate events with faulty brakes on a van ends up getting eaten by piranhas.  < That’s a sentence that I typed that doesn’t seem weird at all.

Don’t worry, just when you think things are slowing down to a crawl, we get a bunch of cuts of girls in bikinis, beach balls, naked tits, a slo-mo shot of a beach ball hitting a pair of naked tits, and a fat guy fucking the hole in the pool where the water comes out of.  < Another sentence I just typed that doesn’t seem out of place at all.  Troubling times have arrived, though, because Ashley and her boyfriendish type guy, Travis, have gone missing.  Shelby is distraught when Ashley won’t answer her phone and goes to the lake to cry about her missing best friend who stole lots of her boyfriends.  Maddy comes to comfort her but piranhas start leaping from the lake and attack.  They barely make it to the shore, but when one of the piranhas leaps out of the water to attack, Maddy and Shelby beat it to death with a rock and realize they are facing the same monsters that attacked Lake Victoria.

Maddy, cop guy Kyle (who used to go out with Maddy back in the day), and Barry (the guy who has always liked Maddy) go see Christopher Lloyd, as one would when piranhas attack.  Christopher Lloyd is a piranha expert.  He explains how they might have gotten to this place in Arizona from Lake Victoria (wherever that might be).  Barry is pretty into Christopher Lloyd (as one would in pretty much any situation), and reveals he read a marine biology book – which is Maddy’s profession.  He says he did so he could understand what she was into.  That’s really cute, guys.  I’m rooting for this dorky dude.  However, why is it when I do and say something like that, it usually leads to me never hearing from that girl again?

Whatever.  I digress – again.  So, Maddy, cop guy Kyle, and Barry investigate water pipes feeding thousands of pools in the area to see if piranhas have gotten into the pools.  Cut to Shelby and her boyfriend, Josh.  She’s still upset over Ashley being missing (by the way, her corpse has been shown at the bottom of the lake being picked on by hungry piranhas), but she decides she just needs some dick.  She asks Josh to make love to her.  She even says, and I quote, “Cum inside me.  I’ll do whatever you say afterwards.”

That…  Is fucking amazing.

In fact, it is so amazing that it kinda short circuited my brain to the point that I wasn’t nearly as attentive to Danielle Panabaker in her bra and panties as I should have been.  She’s taking a look at the lake feeding all the water to the pools.  She gets attacked and nicked on her ankle.  Cop guy saves her because, like me, Barry can’t swim.  So cop guy gets to play hero guy while not being charming at all.  Asshole.

Fuck that, let’s get back to Shelby getting fresh pipes laid by Josh.  I admit, I totally saw everything I’m about to say coming, but it doesn’t make it any less fucking awesome.  Earlier in the movie, Shelby was attacked by a piranha, right?  She was also sick and threw up shortly after being asked if she’d seen Ashley that morning her friend ended up missing.  Apparently, either off screen at some point earlier, or during the attack, a piranha got into her fucking vagina.  How do we find out that happened?

Piranha to the dick.

How do you solve the problem of piranha on the dick?  You take a butcher knife and give yourself a second circumcision.  So it looked like Shelby died when the piranha came out her vagina and onto Josh’s dick, right?  I mean she convulsed and foamed at the mouth with a dead stare and open eyes the entire time – like what girls do when I have sex with them.  But!  She just comes to and says she’s feeling better as she looks for Josh.  You know, no big d, guys.  She finds the piranha in a pool of Josh’s blood and when she steps on it it spits out the nub of Josh’s dick he cut off.  Josh blames Shelby for missing a bit of his dick and looks as though he’s about to kill her with the butcher knife.

We cut to Chet being pulled over by Kyle.  Kyle gets a big fat envelope of cash and is seemingly on the take from Chet to make sure nothing stops the water park from operating.  Kyle doesn’t seem all that broken up over Maddy almost being killed when investigating the lake.  Elsewhere, Maddy is talking to Barry about the possibility of her getting back together with Kyle.  It’s suddenly interrupted by the next chapter in the whole “Shelby Had a Fucking Piranha in Her Vaj” subplot when she suddenly appears and says, “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina.”

You can’t tell, but I’m giving this movie a slow clap right now.  Why couldn’t all 82 minutes of this movie be Shelby and her piranha spouting vagina?

But wait!  You know what this movie does need more of?

David Hasselhoff playing a little synthesizer.

I mean…  In a movie with killer fish, some that come out of a girl’s vagina, and lots of tits and bush to spare, do we really need David Hasselhoff?  I mean, I think we all know the answer to that.  The answer is yes.  Additionally, legless Ving Rhames and Paul Scheer show up.  They were part of the first Piranha movie and their visiting a pool is part of their recovery from the trauma of the events in the first movie.

This is a bit of a full circle for me.  Paul Scheer is finally appearing in one of the movies I covered in this blog.  You see, he has this podcast called How Did This Get Made which covers lots of shitty movies.  It acts as an inspiration to me and my blog.  Him being here in a silly b-movie that I’m covering in the blog that is inspired by his podcast is like peanut butter and chocolate  – just simply perfect.

Okay, so we’re pretty much ready for the final act of the movie.  Maddy finds out that Chet has tapped an underground lake which is pumping the piranhas into the pool.  He basically tells her to get lost because this is opening day of the park with an almost unlimited supply of free water, there’s no chance he will stop pumping the water from the ancient lake.  Maddy tries to get everyone out of the pool once a few people complain of being bitten, but Chet continues to refuse to shut down the park and even has Kyle drag her away.

Now that the piranhas have busted through the grates to the pool, all hell breaks loose and park visitors are getting attacked by the fistfuls (heh, or the fishfuls, amirite?).  Pretty much anyone in the water is fucked – especially the guy who we saw earlier fucking the hole the water comes pumps through (though he is shown as being alive later with a piranha stuck in his asshole).  Thankfully, Ving Rhames is there and asks Paul Scheer to get him his legs.  He steps into the pool and begins blowing away the attacking piranhas with the rifles attached to the titanium limbs.  I gotta admit, this makes me want to get some roast beef at Arby’s to toast his bravery.

Another possible hero in the mix is David Hasselhoff who goes to save a kid who keeps calling for help.  All to the Baywatch theme as well.  Kinda fitting since I am writing this article the very day the theatrical version of Baywatch is released.

Chet meets his end while he tries to escape with all the money he’s made, but when he’s distracted by slo-mo boobs jiggling, he’s decapitated by a banner.  I think this might be prophetic for how I will die – driving on a golf cart with fists full of cash and being distracted by boobs.

Anyway, Barry releases the water in the pool and sucks it through the drain taking most of the piranhas with it.  When Maddy is stuck in the vacuum, Barry is forced to save her when Kyle pusses out.  This is likely also pretty prophetic to me because it’s going to take the near drowning of a beautiful redhead to get me to overcome my own fear of water.

Nah, just kidding.  That beautiful redhead would be totally fucked.

Barry gets to make out with Maddy for a job well done.  The pool fucker blows up all the piranhas by dumping a bunch of chlorine into the pipes and drops a lit joint into the pipe blowing it all up.  Kyle is killed by Barry’s trash poker when it is flung into the air and lands in his face.  But it’s cool.  He was a dipshit.

But oh no…  Maddy gets a call from Christopher Lloyd saying the piranhas have evolved to be able to walk on land.  Maddy says she knows because she sees on crawling out of the pool.  The movie ends on a dumb kid getting decapitated by the walking piranha while a happy song about someone’s life changing plays while the kid dies and everyone freaking out around him.

The credits contain some additional silliness from the Hasselhoff singing about being a fish hunter and additional behind the scenes stuff.  Overall, this is a silly little movie that is pure exploitation.  Frankly, I loved it.  What’s the difference between this and a dumb Asylum movie?  This one actually cared while still being totally goofy.  There’s a difference between The Asylum being assholes about cashing in on goofy shit and a movie that knows how to revel in its goofiness.

Also.  “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina.”  That is some award-winning script work there, guys.

This week was celebrating the 5th anniversary of a disaster at a water park.  Next week, I’ll be looking at a disaster at an amusement park when I celebrate the 40th anniversary of Rollercoaster.  So make sure you come back and check out what I think of an actual 2 HOUR movie that stars Henry Fonda.  Yeah, Henry Fonda.  I’m bringing some legit class to this blog.

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