Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS (1974)

Welcome to Ilsa, She-Wolf of SSeptember Month here at B-Movie Enema.  What the hell does that mean?  Well, over at Film Seizure, I’m co-hosting a month of sexy thrillers called Sexy September.  What better way to compliment that than to have a scumbag version of the same theme over here?

And, if I’m going to do that, there’s only one way to make it really scumbaggy…  Nazisploitation.

Nazis are evil sons of bitches.  They are basically the lowest form of person to have ever lived.  While I’m sure it can be argued exactly how many people in the German population between 1933 to 1945 were true blue believers of the horrific ideals of Adolf Hitler, there’s no better movie villain ever than those damn scuzzy fuckin’ Nazis.  

If you think that something as evil and terrible as them could never be turned into a fetish, well, gents…  You’re fucking wrong.  In the 70s, we had your various types of exploitation.  You had your blaxploitation.  You had women in prison flicks.  You had boner comedies and shenanigan-filled romps.  When you need something new, the best way to really dig deep into the depraved psyches of men everywhere is to throw Nazis into the mix.  Nazisploitation and various Nazi porn exploded onto the scene.  It’s mostly thanks to this week’s feature and it’s tough-as-nails leading ball-bustin’ lady, Dyanne Thorne.

Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS took the women in prison subgenre of exploitation to a new level and the sub-subgenre was born.  Put some hot chicks in chains + make sure they get naked + have a tough woman who most guys wouldn’t mind if she wanted to step on their balls + make her make the naked girls do some really depraved (and kinda sexy) shit + as minimal plot as possible + Nazis = movies that no one will ever forget.  To me, the Ilsa part as well as the She-Wolf of the SS part are just as much fodder for jokes as adding Electric Boogaloo to a sequel’s title.

So let’s dig right into Ilsa doing some pretty uncomfortably sexy stuff…

The movie begins with one of those “based on true incidents” messages from producer Herman Traeger.  Now, I’m aware there were some really sick shit that the Nazis were into.  I mean, they had concentration camps and had mad doctors doing stuff to people.  Yet, while I’m not entirely going to say that sex camps didn’t exist, and it seems like you see LOTS of Nazi women officers in various movies and stuff, ultimately leading me to believe there were some real life Ilsas out there, I kinda feel like you could leave that out of this movie.  If you want to say that it is based on real stuffs, put it on the poster.  Or put it at the end.  Putting it at the beginning doesn’t really win you any points for your smut movie.

Oh, but…

UNICEF thanks you for your tireless efforts and dedication of your smut film.

It doesn’t take too long for us to get to Ilsa and her gigantic titties riding the shit out of some fuckboy.  Despite asking him to hold off that load he’s about to pop, he cums forcing her to have to get off in the shower alone.  After she gets dressed, she tells the poor sack of shit that it’s time for him to go.  She’s dressed up in her little Nazi uniform and she has two other super hot blonde Nazi chicks there to return him to the camps.

He begs not to be taken back believing she promised him to not be taken back to the camps.  I suspect a little bit of this is due to Dyanne Thorne being realllllly hot and a little bit is probably due to I’d probably also rather fuck a Nazi than to have to live in a concentration camp, but he swears he loves her and that he won’t tell anyone that an American is sleeping with an officer of the SS.  She coyly responds that, last night, she only promised he’d not be taken back to the camps “as before” and beyond that she made no other promises.

She cuts his dick off and he dies.

Meanwhile, a truckload of lasses are being brought into the camp.  Ilsa gives her spiel about how this isn’t like some of those other camps they’ve heard of (though, in reality, I really doubt people sent to camps would have known what goes on there before they got there), and they will help them and they will probably all serve the Third Reich in some way, shape, or form.  Some of the girls are pretty.  Most of them are dressed like peasants.  However, I also bet some, if not all, of them will get naked too.

Cut to…

Well… That didn’t take long.

Not only do we see this lady’s butt, we also see the pretty much everything from all the girls.  Boobs, butt, bush.  Fantastic.  You know…  I am a firm (snicker) enemy of Nazis and fascism in general, but Isla…  You are definitely doing the lord’s work here.

Each girl comes into the room and sorted by Ilsa and the guy doctor.  Some are sent to “work” which is just basically be whores for German officers.  Others are taken to another room for medical research.  And I’m not exactly sure what that research is, but I know it involves getting their crazy wild bushes shaved with a straight razor.

Ilsa gets a phone call from a general who seemingly has his own plans for her work.  She seems steadfast in her belief that the work she is doing there can change the war.  She tells the general that she thinks he’ll find her work quite interesting.  I mean, I agree.  Sexy lady prison camp does seem interesting, but I dunno.

The only thing I think I’m sure of is that Dyanne Thorne has at least two of the three reichs under that top.

A new group of dudes show up on the next truck brought into the camp.  One of the prisoners is an American guy who happens to be blonde.  He was born in Germany, and was studying there when the U.S. declared war on Hitler, so he was apparently rounded up and thrown in camps.  After she has all the guys strip, she makes fun of their tiny ding dongs.  He tells her that size isn’t everything.  Methinks our American will be able to take one for the team and fuck Ilsa into submission.  Because ‘Merica, bitches.

The new girls find out a little more about the others in the medical research wing of the camp.  Turns out these girls are injected with just about every disease known to man so Ilsa can see how long it takes them to die.  Elsewhere, our American who just showed up, Wolfe (I’m guessing he’s the He-Wolf of the US?), learns about Ilsa’s appetite for sex.  Basically, if you cum too soon, she’ll cut your dick off.  Wolfe, though, tells his new friend Mario that he knows the Allies are closing in fast and they will soon win the war, but he’s not sure when they will reach the camp.

Meanwhile in the Women’s Topless Flogging Event, Germany is definitely going for the gold.

Elsewhere, we see how Ilsa handles the lady prisoners.  In one room a girl is gang raped by a ton of soldiers.  In another, a girl and a guy are flogged by Ilsa’s two lady officers… who happen to be topless… because sure.  Those getting whipped are being made examples of because they fraternized at the camp.  The men and the women are told that they are not to ever speak to one another or there will be strict consequences for both.  In the other room, the raped girl has killed herself after being used by the men.

That night, after getting some jollies off of killing the guy and girl who spoke to one another, she has Wolfe sent to her room and he makes good on his promise to satisfy her like she never has been before.  He pretty much fucks her all night.  When Wolfe returns to the cabin, he tells the other guys that he learned at a young age that he can control his orgasm.  He calls himself a machine that can go fast, slow, or not at all.  He said that not going at all was driving her up the wall.

And probably made his balls swell up to the size of a couple watermelons.

We keep going back to the girls in the camp and their struggle to survive.  I don’t know any of their names.  The hottest one plans on escaping.  Another one, who has a face full o’ syphilis, tells Mario to go to them tonight and that it is very important.   The girls are then taken to their next physical.  Ilsa looks them over, and then she pulls out a fucking giant electric dildo to use on the girls.  So, one right after another, these girls get this cattle prod hitachi put up their lady caves.  She goes to town with that electric joystick on the hot one and when she resists letting Ilsa see how much it hurts, Ilsa takes a shine to her.

Just in case you were forgetting the place isn’t a hellscape of insane tortures, we get to see some of Ilsa’s experiments.  One girl is in a pressurized room.  When Ilsa instructs the other doctor working under her to increase it, it kills the girl.  In another room, a girl is in a tub full of boiling hot water.  When she commands to turn it up, it kills her.  Okay, I have a few questions.

First, I get that she’s testing various types of people for endurance in extreme situations – pain, air pressure (probably for men in subs), and heat (to which Ilsa said herself is to learn how to save men burning to death in tanks).  Okay, that’s all fine, but what’s her plan?  So this girl can take a cattle prod shaped like a big black dick with little expression to the pain.  What are you going to do?  Inject her DNA into men on the front lines so they don’t feel bullet wounds?  Have her mate with stock to produce super babies?  Okay, if that is the case, it’s going to be at least, like, 17 years before you’ll have soldier-aged guys to fight your glorious war for your fuhrer.  The same goes for all the others.  So a girl can life a little longer in extreme pressurized situations…  It’s at least 17 years before you have a single naval officer.  What gives?

Now, call me crazy, but I kind of feel like this movie is just made to watch naked hot girls get whipped and cattle prodded in their pussies.

Okay, I see your point.

Our main leader of the ladies’ resistance, the one I’ve dubbed “the hot one”, is caught planning an escape when Ilsa unexpectedly walks into the women’s cabin.  She’s taken to one of, I dunno, 47 torture dungeons at the camp.  Ilsa wants to break her, but after four hours of intense torture, the hot one stays defiant.  While Ilsa continues to torture her, Mario and Wolfe go to try to help the girls with their escape plan.

I think, at least initially, the plan is for Wolfe to keep Ilsa distracted with his magic dick so the girls are more likely to make their escape plan work.  However, she’s kinda wet for torturing the hot one, so I’m also guessing they have some contingencies in place too.

Anyway, this big bad general comes to tour the camp.  This is the guy that Ilsa spoke to on the phone earlier that she was trying to convince to come on out and see the stuff she’s working on.  So we’re seeing some of the more gross shit Ilsa is doing.  There’s a girl getting a hook in her puss.  Another girl has a gaping wound on her leg that is being is eaten at by typhoid-infected maggots.  Another girl has gangrene poured into a gash on her arm.  Then we see the hot one who is completely bloody from head to toe.  Looks like she’s missing an eye and pretty much all her skin.  The general isn’t so impressed with Ilsa spending Germany’s time on her own experiments – even if it is discovering some…thing… about pain limits?  I dunno.

I can tell you what he is impressed with – the girl hanging from the ceiling in the dining room while standing on a block of ice.  He’s really into the idea that she’s going to ultimately hang herself while they dine like the dirty rat bastards that they are.  So, to recap…  Girl with typhoid maggots, good.  Girl with gangrene in the arm, meh…  Takes too long to come up with a cure.  Girl with no skin and one eye, but didn’t cry out in acknowledgement of pain once?  Get the fuck out of here with that shit.  But that naked chick hanging from the ceiling while he eats?  Fuckin’ A yeah, bro!  Get me ALL of that!

That guy on the right is totally counting each and every pubic hair he expects to see in his dinner.

Things at this part get kind of out of hand.  In the cabin where the bush shaver lady that preps the girls for something or another because I totally fucking see all the bush ever in every fucking scene after I saw her forcibly shave one girl’s muff…  Anyway, that chick is drunk as shit, flirting with other drunk as shit guys, and also fucking one of the camp girls.  The one girl hanging at the dinner table is dead.  The general is really drunk.  It’s a bit of a mess.

An appropriate expression to make when General Pissonmyface makes a request.

The General goes back to Ilsa’s room and she is about to disrobe, but he tells her only take off her pants.  Be sure to 1) keep that Nazi uniform jacket on because he’s pretty into that and 2) nofuckingshit put those shiny  black boots back on.  He then lays on the floor and tells her that there’s only one way he can be satisfied.  Picking up what he was putting down, Ilsa pisses on him.

The next morning, the general leaves.  Meanwhile, something that has only sort of been focused on previously is playing out.  Throughout the movie, ever since Wolfe mentioned it to Mario, the sounds of gunfire and explosions are getting louder and louder in the background.  In Ilsa’s room as Wolfe is brought in so he can fuck the shit out her, the propaganda-filled radio broadcast is reassuring the listeners that their enemies are distorting the truth about their success.  It’s pretty clear that Germany is totally fucked.

And you know what?  So is Ilsa.  Wolfe has her so wrapped around his magic dick that she wants him to dominate her.  Wolfe ties her to her bad with her own silk stockings.  Outside, the escape is on.  After gagging Ilsa, Wolfe grabs a gun and gets the girls out while guard after guard is killed brutally by the prisoners.

Also, just a side note…  I’m not a stranger to jailbreak scenes in movies.  I think the best thing I’ve ever seen in any of them happens just before all the shit hits the fan.  So girls are coming out of the woodwork (literally) and you see some come out of a building and carrying out whatever murder they are supposed to do.  Then, out of the blue a girl with giant jugs and topless comes out of a building and about to go into action.  I mean that was random and fantastic.  Just fantastic.

Okay, back on track.  Ilsa’s officers are brought out and tied down.  Syphilis Face wants to execute them on the spot, but Wolfe tries to convince the prisoners to let the Allies take them and try them as war criminals.  Wolfe and one of the girls he met and fell in love with run off for freedom.  But what about Ilsa?  The hot one comes in like a fucking zombie ready to cut her all up with a knife.  While the prisoners execute the officers outside, the hot one inches closer to Ilsa until she finally gets on top of her and ready to stab her to death, but dies before she can do it.

The German army comes in and starts cleaning house.  They plan to wipe out the camp to cover up what was going on there.  They kill pretty much what’s left of the prisoners.  The head honcho of the battalion comes into Ilsa’s room and pulls out his Luger and fucking explodes her goddamn head all over her bed.  Bravo, movie!  Bravo!

All the dead prisoners are piled up and burned.  The camp is utterly destroyed leaving nothing behind for the Allies to find based on General Pissonmyface’s orders while Wolfe and his girlfriend watch.

Sure, this movie is pretty much a vehicle for Dyanne Thorne to be really hot in her Nazi uniform and show her giant bazoombas while torturing other naked girls with really nice floombers.  You know what, though?  It is still kind of an important movie in the world of exploitation.  There are better movies in the genre, but there aren’t, and stick with me here for a moment, any movie that is better at telegraphing and playing out torture on naked women in the entirety of the genre.  There is no better movie at the game of “Ohh!  That girl is really pretty!  I can’t wait to see her naked!” and then the very next moment you see her naked but “Oh my god she has maggots eating her leg.  I’m gonna barf.”

I guess the only thing I can say is if you are wanting to see lots and lots of boobs and you’re not overly bothered by Nazi symbolism (or are totally fine with them being the villains) then you might want to check this out just to have reference whenever this sort of thing is parodied in pop culture.  And guess what?  I have three more of these movies too and I bet they will be almost complete clones of this one minus the Nazi stuff.

But there’s only one way to find out and that’s to give it a watch.  Come back next week for the second installment of Ilsa, She-Wolf of SSeptember!

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