Holy shit, guys and gals.  It’s my 200th B-Movie Enema.

I’ll get to the more serious shit at the end of my look at this movie to try to sum up how it feels to be 200 enemas old.  But I can say this – it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as you might think.  In fact, I think I’m starting to like it.

So this week’s piece (of shit) is all about Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance.  Frankly, I almost have to talk about this movie.  Everyone in the world, for the past several years, have talked about Samurai Cop.  It’s an infamous bad movie.  However, if you come here each week to read about these goddamn movies, you know all about Samurai Cop.  If nothing else, you’re aware of it or have seen clips from it.  It’s Ed Wood famous.  It’s mind-boggling in its structure and the way it plays out.

It’s simply glorious.

It’s also off limits here at B-Movie Enema.  There are a few movies that I will not cover.  Not because I oppose them, but they are already super well covered.  Here is a current list of movies I will not cover:

• Samurai Cop
• Miami Connection
• The Room
• Glen or Glenda
• Plan 9 from Outer Space

Mostly, I don’t feel as though I would have anything to add that hasn’t already been covered.  Granted, The Room was part of the very first episode of Film Seizure back in December of 2017, but that was to contextualize the real movie we discussed, The Disaster Artist.

For Samurai Cop 2, I think it was safe that the popularity in the 2010s for the original made it only a matter of time for some jerk to decide to cash in on our nostalgia and taste for bad things.  Sure enough, in 2015, that jerk is film distributor Gregory Hatanaka.

In all fairness, Hatanaka actually is not a jerk.  He’s a big proponent for cult films.  He distributes several Asian films here in the west.  Films by Takashi Miike and John Woo get a little more exposure thanks to Hatanaka.  That said… He’s also helped distribute Samurai Cop, Ed Wood’s The Sinister Urge, and Abel Ferrara’s R’Xmas.  So, he’s got friends.  However, the exact reason why Samurai Cop 2 was made beyond having an affinity to bad movies is kind of unknown.  There is a documentary about the making of the film, but it’s peculiar that, beyond seeing another movie, it’s not readily available on, say, the Wikipedia page for the movie itself.

I guess it’s an ultimate expression of your love for a silly action movie to make a sequel for it 25 years later.

It’s not just a sequel a movie made two and a half decades later, but it also features some important, key figures returning to their roles.  Mathew Karedas is back as THE samurai cop, Joe Marshall.  His very expressive partner and friend, Frank, played by Mark Frazer, is back too.  Some of the ancillary characters from the original also came back.  Initially Robert Z’Dar was going to return, but he unfortunately died before the his scenes could be shot.

The interesting thing about Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance is that the cast is mostly round out with two things – porn star chicks and over the top kooky characters.  Playing Joe’s lady love in this movie is Kayden Kross – a porn star I know really well.  Like, really well.  I mean, we’re not friends, but…  I mean I know intimate things…  Never mind, you get it.  You also have Lexi Belle – another porn star I know reall…  Eh… Never mind.

On the kooky actors side of things, you have Bai Ling.  She’s made a living in recent years letting her freak flag fly.  However, to round out the cast, you have the kookiest of the kooky…  Tommy Wiseau himself.  Wiseau is a kind of a nuclear powered grenade to throw into this movie.  I’ll explain that a little later when it becomes very clear what he’s doing in this movie.

Alright, let’s dive into our Samurai Cop 2 business.  The movie opens in 1991 with Joe and Frank talking about how lucky Joe is to have five weeks paid vacation after breaking a big case.  Joe meets up with his wife, Jennifer.  Jennifer was the girl he had awkward sex scenes with in the first Samurai Cop movie.  In this movie, she is played by the aforementioned Kayden Kross, someone I would likely have awkward sex with because of my general goofy nature and her incredible hotness.  I digress.

Joe and Jennifer are approached by a panicked kid who says his sister is missing and he needs help.  When Joe gets up to try to help the kid, he pulls out a gun and kills Jennifer.  This gets Joe angry.  Kayden Kross-eyed angry.

During the credits, clips from the original film plays.  You know that thing where you shouldn’t reference or show things from a better movie in your shitty movie?  How does it work for shitty movies showing scenes from shitty movies?  Does that create a good thing?

Oh fuck it…  I don’t care.  A topless Lexi Belle comes into a room and fucks an old guy.  She fucks him super hard, but after, he says he doesn’t feel so good and maybe they shouldn’t go out tonight.  They say all sorts of shit about trade agreements and clan wars and stuff.  I can’t help but not pay attention.  She’s just there topless and looking really hot.  Anyway, I guess he’s not loyal to this Katana clan anymore.  She injects him with some shit and he dies.  She says something about being the adopted daughter of the head of Katana.  Eh whatever.  Titties.

Next scene, Hotty McSamuraitits goes to a meeting of all the main bad guys and he, Katana, the main bad guy from the first movie, says that Joe Marshall is back and Bai Ling is there.  Another hot babe is there.  It’s incredible gobbledygook.  (< Maybe I should have chose another word there all things considered, but… meh.)

At least we follow a near incomprehensible scene with something I can understand – Frank getting dat aaaaass.  Also, maybe the only true, sincere moment in this movie that brings me joy:

He shows up to the crime scene of the dead guy and I guess he’s a senator or something.  We go to another scene in another place with other people.  There’s a broad named Master Kitano, which is REAL fucking close to Katana who is the other bad guy.  What the fuck is happening?  I mean Bai Ling is completely nuts and acting as such.  She has this fucking sci-fi ball like thing that floats and I think it is melting people’s heads.

I am sincere when I say I don’t know what is going on in this movie.  You have Kitano vs. Katana.  Joe’s girl is dead.  Frank is getting pussy, so I guess that’s a good thing.  Dead senator dude?  Dead goons.  Yakuza.  Jiu Jitsu.  The BBC.  Treaties.  Laws.  Joe Estevez is a surly police captain.  I dig a pony…  People could just say words and it would be put into this movie.

I know what you’re thinking…  Bad movies have this uncanny ability to be about everything and nothing at all.  The fact that I don’t know what’s going on because of all the jibber jabber coming out of people’s mouths and that this movie has gone hardly anywhere at all should be something I am accustomed to by now.  But…  I knew what the fuck happened in the first Samurai Cop movie and it was mostly incompetent too.

Oh but this was meant to be bad…  I want you to stow that shit away right now.  Movies intended to be bad are usually just bad.  Like real bad.  Not fun bad.  Not funny bad.  Bad bad.  Real fucking bad.  Getting your dick cut off just hours before going out with your dream date bad.  Trust me guys…  I know what I’m talking about.  I still can’t tell Sally Jones why I had to call off our amazing dinner and carriage ride date.

Alright, so there are these coins that represent some sort of Bushido code of the samurai found at crime scenes.  Frank gets a name and an address of a Japanese metal worker way the fuck out of town.  Turns out, the guy is Joe and not a Japanese dude.  Frank tries talking him back into the fold but Joe refuses.  Soon, some goons show up to shoot at the partners.

After some general, token bullshit about how Frank turned his back on Joe for not helping him bend some rules to help him find out who killed his wife, Joe eventually decides to go back with Frank.  On the plane, one of the most bizarre and kooky characters from the original, the really flamboyantly gay maitre d, is the flight attendant and has to be given a lot of time to make sure we all remember who he was and what his schtick was.

So on this plane, all sorts of weirdos are on there.  People from the Katana gang are there.  I mean, Bai Ling alone is enough to weird out the entire place, but there’s Tommy Wiseau, those porno babes who are in that gang…  It’s like a goddamn zoo.  Bai Ling causes an explosion that then leads to people trying to kill one of the gangs, Joe, Frank, a babe named Mileena that looks an awwwwwwful lot like Kayden Kross in a wig, but it is thwarted in like 35 seconds.

What we eventually find out is that the Master Kitano lady was the head of some other group called Shinjuku.  The group is now led by none other than Tommy Wiseau.  He trashes a fucking room like a champ in his grief over the death of Master Kitano.  Meanwhile, in the Katana camp, head dude wants to remain patient, but Bai Ling doesn’t want to be patient anymore.  She wants to strike against Joe or something.  I dunno.  Almost all this dialog in this movie is bullshit.  This movie is bullshit.  Life is bullshit.  Sigh.

Ugh, so Joe feels really comfortable and open around Mileena.  I guess it’s because she does  kinda resemble Jennifer and all…

I mean she allllmost looks sorrrrta like Kayden Kross.  I mean, I should know.  I have had lots of very hot and saucy imaginary dates with Kayden Kross over the years.  So many, in fact, she keeps wanting me to commit to her and call her my girlfriend, but…  You know…  I had my dick cut off right before that date with Sally Jones way back when.  Anyway, I guess this chick sorta looks like Jennifer.

The next scene is this particularly bizarre execution scene over at the Shinjuku HQ.  It’s mostly Tommy Wiseau dressed like an alien shouting words he can barely pronounce.  I guess this one guy did something bad or wrong or something?  Anyway, I guess he’s on trial for it and he’s gonna get his ass killed.  It’s a lot of yelling.  It’s a lot of flashes of Joe from the original movie and stuff we haven’t seen yet in this movie.  It’s a lot of Tommy Wiseau yelling and… just being Tommy Wiseau.  If you can believe it, Tommy Wiseau is at his most Tommy Wiseau I’ve ever seen in this movie.  It’s insanity.  This whole movie feels like a fucking fever dream and the only cure for it is…  Well…

Suicide.

Next scene…  I guess Joe has to infiltrate this place.  Instantly, he’s attacked by goons on the roof.  I feel like either a scene is missing or it’s just an excuse to have Joe beat up goons.  He goes inside this place and is approached by Bai Ling.  Remember I said that Tommy Wiseau is at his most Tommy Wiseau in this movie…  Bai Ling is simultaneously being her most Bai Ling in this AS WELL AS being as much Tommy Wiseau as she can be too.  I feel like this movie just asked for everyone to take FISTFULS of acid, peyote, and mescaline and then turned on the camera.

Katana comes out and yells at some guy in the club and Bai Ling is about to blow everything to kingdom fuck.  However, before that, Mileena comes out to talk to Joe.  Earlier in the movie, Joe asked her if she ever thought about going blonde.  I guess she decided that’s a a good thing because she’s now blonde, and has grown her hair out to about three times its length, and…  Wait a minute.  Just hold the fucking phones…

Kayden Kross IS ALSO Mileena?!?  What kind of sorcery is this!?  You mean to tell me she has been playing two roles in this movie?  What kind of insanity is this!

Anyway, an inexplicable gun fight breaks out.  People are getting their asses blown away.  I think Lexi Belle stabs one guy in the dick with a hunting knife.  Kayden Kross has a gun hidden under her sexy red dress.  People are kicking people.  I don’t know what’s going on here.  Action stuff is happening.  It ends with Frank coming in with some cops and shooting some guys.

Now, the real question is…  Will there be any kind of explanation of what the holy fuck is happening?  Mileena calls Tommy Wiseau to tell him that everything is going forward as planned and she is clearly playing Joe for a fool.  Later, she goes over to his place, with her black hair wig back on and tends to his wounds.  They fuck and he has a weird fever fuck vision of himself in a kick ass Samurai costume while two naked bitches fight with swords.  He then wakes up from this dream with his head resting on Kayden Kross’ tits.  That’s nice.  I bet that’s real nice.

But what’s all this then?  We now meet two new characters (37 minutes from the conclusion of the film) who are going to enter the fray now.  But this…  This I gotta call bullshit on.

That guy looks more like someone named Chad Middleclass than Takehiko Hanzo.  Dude…  Cultural appropriation and shit!  This movie has been playing fast and loose with that this whole time.  People with obviously Asian names being white as fuck.  I mean goddamn, Tommy Wiseau’s character’s name in this has the last name of Kitano.  My ass a guy like Tommy Wiseau would be named Kitano.

Frank tells Joe that he thinks that Mileena is playing him.  She must have slipped him something to make him think things are different with her than what he thinks.  We see a flashback of her forcing him to drink some blue glowing shit.  Then Frank says something about The Complex which is a place things get… complex?  Then Frank gets thrown off the case and the FBI comes in and tries to make Joe drink something, but he just stumbles away like he’s been drugged but I don’t think he drank anything.

This movie…  It’s inexplicable.

I’ve said something is inexplicable multiple times throughout this post.  And that’s really the best way to describe this movie.  The plot is inexplicable.  The words being said by the characters on the screen are inexplicable.  There are inexplicable cuts to Joe doing some sword flexing on the beach.  There is this inexplicable show on the TV at Joe’s place where he’s talking to some girl in trouble and sometimes Frank is there, but…  But…  Is this real?

Is this real life?

No…  I actually  mean it.  Is this real life?  These are the types of questions you ask yourself while watching Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance.  It’s like a collection of various scenes and things that happen.  Like a dream.  It’s a sweaty, stupid, half-remembered dream and Kayden Kross and Lexi Belle are there.  I get it.  I know what that’s like, but you know what else I know?  I know it doesn’t make for a good movie.

Fuck!

Joe learns more about the Complex from an old guy from the first movie.  Supposedly, the Complex sucks as a place.  You go in, you may not come out, but Joe’s gotta go and do it, I guess.  I guess.  I don’t know.  Anyway, there’s a guy in the first movie who fought Joe and got his arm cut off.  I guess this guy has a map to the Complex and decides to give it to Joe for,  you know, old time’s sake?

Joe then gets a vision from Okamura (also from the first movie) who tells him to go kill his enemies but I don’t know what the fuck that means either.  He kills a girl who was shown to be “The Gatekeeper” and then enters the Complex that appears to just be a desert…  Even though the Gatekeeper was on the edge of what appeared to be a road along a small wooded area…  And then he goes inside into a set from one of the Austin Powers movies…

Guys…  This…  This is a rough one.

Joe kicks a bunch of people.  Guys show up to kill other guys.  This is just a massive cluster fuck of inexplicability.  He easily kills one of the babe goons of Katana.  He kills Katana easily.  He is left with Bai Ling who wants to both kill him and fuck him because… sure.  But he kills her anyway.

Next up, Tommy Wiseau who says batshit insane shit.  I’d like to say he posed a serious threat to Joe, but…  He’s…  How do I put this eloquently?  He is all sound and thunder, but ultimately signifies nothing.  If that’s not enough of an explanation for you, let me put it to you this way – he’s Tommy Wiseau.  Joe is Samurai Cop.  I’ll give you, like, one guess what happens.

So I guess that’s ties up all the loose ends, right?  No, Tommy Wiseau was the kid who killed Jennifer.  It was part of his initiation into this clan whatever the fuck it’s called (I’m too lazy to scroll up and figure it out for myself).  He says he is haunted by her beautiful face ever since.  I guess Mileena is is Tommy Wiseau’s sister…  That doesn’t make a fucking lick of sense, but whatever.  Apparently by defeating the Katanas, Joe has brought peace to Mileena and Tommy Wiseau’s people…

WHATTHEFUCK?!?

Look…  I love the original Samurai Cop.  It is the type of movie you show to people on your Bad Movie Night sort of parties.  It is something that people will enjoy.  They’ll have a good time.  I’m glad there is this community around this movie, like with Troll 2.  It’s the type of bad movie that can unite people in our dark and desperate times.  I’m glad that there was a desire and the capability to bring these people back to make a sequel and that it was pretty much crowdfunded.  I really like the fact that two porn stars that I have quite the hots for got to be in it too.

But this…  Woof.  The problem with something like this, or with other things that Tommy Wiseau has done after The Room, is that you begin focusing too much on making a bad movie and tipping the cap to that community to make it what they want and not what it should/could be.  This movie is unnecessarily convoluted and it almost immediately backs itself into a corner that makes it almost impossible to stick with in the same spirit as the original.

I also believe it is way past time to be real honest about Tommy Wiseau.  I think we gave him way more than 15 minutes after The Room.  Show me one thing, just ONE thing, that he’s been a part of that isn’t just him trying, and trying real hard, to be off the wall and crazy.  It’s like it is his brand.  I mean it absolutely is.  But what I mean is you hire Tommy Wiseau to be Tommy Wiseau.  If you hire Nicolas Cage to be in your movie and you tell him that you’re taking off the leash and he can do whatever he wants, you are going to get something completely and totally unique.  It may or may not be good, but it will be unique and uniquely Nic Cage.  With Wiseau, if it isn’t unintelligible ramblings of a homeless man who is somehow both drunk and high on every single alcoholic drink and drug ever known to anyone ever, while also suffering from a high fever from a deadly scorpion sting, he’s just doing shit from The Room.

And no, The Disaster Artist isn’t something you can point to that is of quality that he’s been a part of.  That is a fascinating and good thing, but his involvement is only for it to line his weirdo multi-belted jean pockets.

Imagine if this movie was actually a clean, easy to follow plot.  Imagine if you ended up getting this movie about loss and getting old, or possibly trying to fight a new war with old ways.  How about these guys still acting like it was 25 years ago, but the world has moved on and they are kind of jokes?  I just had three ideas that was much cleaner and to the point than what we had.

I’m not blaming anyone for being involved with this.  There’s no reason in the world for there not to be a Samurai Cop 2.  It just didn’t quite work out.

——————————-

Gosh, 200 of these things, huh?  I guess I should get to that serious shit I said I would close this out with.

When I started this whole thing, I was only looking at a large collection of these B-movies on my shelf and trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do with them.  Why did I have so many movies?  Well, about a decade ago I had an idea to do an online horror host show.  It was gonna be called Late Nite Creature Feature.  While online horror hosting isn’t actually as unique as I thought it was back then, we had this really cool idea.  I was going to be this guy who was trapped in a haunted movie theater and forced to watch these movies.  Each movie I watched, a soul trapped inside the movie would be released.  My co-stars were ghosts.  An old silent film era actor and his actress wife were my “captors” while a third, youthful ghost would be my sidekick.  It would have been fun.

Without going into the boring details, it wasn’t to be.

A few  years later, I decided that B-Movie Enema could be a way to have some fun with these stacks of movies I had accumulated.  I was hugely inspired by James Rolfe and the guys at Red Letter Media, specifically the Mr. Plinkett videos they created.  Both inspirations were on YouTube, but I had always been a writer.  I felt I could meld all this together and really have something worth reading.

And here we are.  B-Movie Enema was born in 2014.  I cranked out six before I even really knew what I was doing.  Some personal stuff happened that I won’t go into and I needed to put this site on hold.  However, as I’ve mentioned before, on a cold spring morning in 2016, B-Movie Enema would return thanks to me waking up with the Roku channel called Bizarre TV playing a movie about a Mexican demon that would suck people’s brains out of their necks.

Here we are again…  194 posts later, I can say this has been an amazing journey.  And I’m nowhere near the end of the line – not as long as movies like Cats can get released.  What’s great is that I get to write, and, even better, it’s a kind of therapy for me.  I’ve always said this site allows me to play a character.  However, that’s not really true.  The truth is, I let my id run free when I watch these movies and write about them.  I get to be my most idealized version of me -for better or worse.  In a way, it’s like Peter Parker and Spider-Man.

I’m this introvert who doesn’t leave the house too often.  I’m kind of a goofball who is always learning something new about himself.  But when I write a B-Movie Enema piece, I feel pretty damn good and, frankly, I don’t feel like a weirdo who would kind of rather sit in my apartment with my two cats than experience the world.  Each time I watch a movie, I’m experiencing a different world.  So…  Yeah.

John Lennon once told someone that as much as he appreciated hearing his music meant something to someone, he didn’t write for anyone but himself.  It might sound self-centered, but it’s absolutely true.  I cannot believe any writer honestly writes what someone else wants them to write.  Instead, it’s from the heart.  It’s to heal a past pain or create a new world or inspire themselves to be better.  I’m so happy others read these rambling posts about these shitty movies.  I’m glad people allow me to be my most idealized me.  I’m glad people have enjoyed these posts, but it’s been even more of a joy that I’ve been able to enjoy writing them.

So, in the end, thanks for coming along for the ride with me.  Here’s to another 200 enemas.  Hey!  Guess what!  That journey for another 200 begins next week!  What will ring in as #201 will be something tied very closely to the aforementioned Bizarre TV.  I’ll explain it later, but it’s a fun little monster movie called Slaughterhouse Rock.

I hope to see you there, and, again, thank you for being along for this long, sometimes frustrating, but always fun, ride that is B-Movie Enema!