Yay! Roger Corman! If he can’t do it, nobody can!
So, yeah, at some point B-Movie Enema was going to come back around to a movie with direct production involvement from Roger Corman. And with a title like Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader? Oh you bet. I’m on board.
This movie got premiered at none other than Comic Con International in 2012 about a month before showing to the masses on Epix (a lovely little-known cable network). Yet another month later, it played at the 3D Film Festival. Oh yeah… This movie was originally made as a 3D feature. If you want to know something utterly fascinating too, then know this:
Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader is the first 3D film ever produced by Roger Corman.
For real. The guy who produced like 40 gabillion movies for the last 70 years never produced a 3D feature before this film. All those drive-in movies he made. All those creature features. Not a single one beyond the second dimension.
I feel a little shook, guys. I don’t know if I should believe this or not. Surely, this is some sort of DEEP STATE conspiracy to hide the treasure trove of Corman 3D movies, right? Like, Liberal Hollywood has gaslit us for decades so that this movie, about a cheerleader who takes a potion to become supersized, is the first ever Corman 3D movie. This is how Bill Gates will somehow make all the money and become Lord Big Dick Energy Overlord of ALL TIME AND SPACE! Follow the money, sheeple! FOLLOW THE MONEY!
Ahem… Right. Sorry about that everyone. I did a real quick 30-second Google search and, yes… This is indeed Roger Corman’s first ever 3D movie. No conspiracy. Bill Gates is not involved. Everything is cool. I was reminded I didn’t take my brain meds today until now. I apologize.
This movie is also a remake of the 1995 film Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold, itself a parody of Attack of the 50 Foot Woman… Oh no… I feel another rabbit hole appearing before me… No? Neither movie has anything to do with Roger Corman? Okay! Well. There we go.
Instead of talking about those other two movies that might be a little more known than this one, let’s talk about our two main leading ladies of this movie. First, we have beauty pageant winner as Miss Teen Georgia 2007, Jena Sims. She’s making her film debut here as Cassie Stratford, the titular 50 foot cheerleader. She’s mostly had TV roles and B-movie credits including one of the Sharknado movies as well as 3-Headed Shark Attack.
Playing Jena’s mother in the movie is Sean Young. Now… Here’s a lady I love. She’s probably a little crazy, which I like. She’s sassy as fuck. I like that as well. She was Rachel in Blade Runner, which I LOVE. Corman told her she was miscast in this movie because she was “too good looking to be the mother.” I can also get behind that.
I can most definitely get behind the very first shot of the movie after the credits…
Gimme an A indeed!
It’s cheerleading tryout day at Iron Coast University. It’s rough. It’s hard. It’s gonna make you bleed, baby. The cheerleaders are hard bitches. In fact, they call those auditioning their “victims”. The next one is our hero Cassie. But uh oh…
Looks like Cassie has a bit of a complexion and greasy/stringy hair problem. Brittany, the captain of the squad, was Cassie’s sponsor at freshman orientation. Brittany is also the head of the sorority that Cassie is pledging. She shows up at the ICU science lab where she and her friend Kyle assist Ted Raimi. They are working on a compound that will rejuvenate epidermal cells. This compound, called “Renew”, is being funded by Treat Williams. He wants Renew for plastic surgery patients and is quite excited to see the results on the lab mouse.
Later, Cassie goes to a meeting at the Zeta Mu sorority where the house mother is played by Mary Woronov. But as much as that is pretty awesome, nothing compares to what goes on in Zeta Mu…
Now, as a guy who 100% knows how women operate, I am totally convinced this is exactly what happens in bedrooms of sororities all over the world. But before our new pledges who are being shown around Zeta Mu can play in the sexy reindeer games, they have to survive “Hell Month” for their initiation. Things go from sexy to scary quick.
Alright, so Cassie is a bit of an outsider. She’s also a little nerdy. It doesn’t help that she has a complexion issue and Brittany made a big joke out of it in the initiation. Cassie is also pressured by her mother who was a lead cheerleader and a sorority queen herself. Cassie’s mom only sends the rest of the tuition money when she finds out that Cassie made the cheer squad. Oh… And also Cassie’s sister is a super cheerleader too.
Feeling down on herself, she goes to the science lab and takes a syringe of Renew. Now, a little spills on a spider on the floor so… I’m sure that will come back into play at some point. She injects herself and goes back to the dorm to sleep her shitty day off. The next morning, she no longer needs her glasses, her acne is gone, and her hair is nice and healthy. Plus, she has some nice bazoombas and a perfect body. Things are certainly looking up for Cassie now.
Also, can I say a personal “thank you” to Roger Corman for the nude shot of the leading lady? Damn, some things still do matter in B-movies.
Cassie shows up at a Zeta Mu toga party and turns heads. Kyle from the lab calls saying that something odd has happened. The mouse’s cage has been torn open and it’s been mutilated. Before she goes to help him investigate, she is going to stay at the party. He follows a blood trickle he finds on the floor.
As the party continues at Zeta Mu, Cassie is hit on by Brittany’s ex, Brandon. Brittany is angry about this, because she is a cartoon villain, so she has the pledges drink booze from dog bowls and then try to do some various athletic tasks. The other two girls perform poorly. Cassie is perfect. Like she’s not even drunk. This does not improve Brittany’s, or her cronies’, mood.
Currently, the only other person who knows what Cassie’s done with the Renew is her roommate, Jett. Jett’s a sexy rock and roll chick. I like Jett.
Fuck that though, we go from Jett and Cassie hanging out a football game to a big titty blonde doing a gratuitous shower scene so she can be attacked by the spider that got the Renew spilled on it. Yeah, we have a giant spider in this movie too. Because why not!
So, Tiffany, this big titty blonde, has a sprained ankle which means the cheerleaders need to be reshuffled to replace her. Cassie, not only is a perfect babe now, but she is also a perfect cheerleader and is able to step in for the more seasoned Tiffany and even shows up Brittany in the process. This does not improve Brittany’s mood toward Cassie.
Also, there’s still a giant spider roaming around the campus.
Let’s go back to Jett for a minute. She’s played by Sasha Jackson who has been in a ton of stuff. Anyway, she’s typically a super babe much like Jena Sims, but I guess to make her stand out as something “other”, they decided to make her a rockin’ chick that I would like. She is seen early on cheering on for Cassie while she is trying out for the cheer squad, but is later seen to be Cassie’s roommate who is constantly hooking up with guys. She also is rather adventurous which… intrigues me. I’m not saying I’d let her insert a cucumber into my butthole like she wanted to do with one of her boy toys, but I’m… not opposed to it…?
Anyway, while things may be coming up Milhouse for Cassie, the real side effects of Renew is starting to show itself. She’s got an upset tummy and suddenly, it causes her tits to grow in a cup size almost instantly. This causes her Zeta Mu pledge button to fly off her shirt and stab her teacher, played by John Landis, in the eye – much to Dean Roger Corman’s delight. I guess Landis can finally know what it feels like to be the unintended victim of someone else’s fast and loose decision making.
And yes. John Landis plays a teacher at ICU as well as Roger Corman himself being here as a walk on playing the school’s dean. I like that Landis is a bit of a problem prof which means Corman has to watch after him closely to make sure he isn’t coming onto students or dropping fucks in the middle of his lectures.
Jett takes Cassie to the lab to I guess get some help, but when Kyle arrives, he sees what Jett just witnessed firsthand – Cassie is now like seven feet tall. Kyle is not happy. He actually has some good points and my sweetheart, Jett, agrees. He’s mad that she took an experimental drug just to impress the cheerleaders. While it does work with some physical attributes, the growing concerns her friends. Kyle wants to help her because he is worried that her liver and heart can’t take what her pituitary gland is doing to her.
Turns out Brandon is a bit of a giantess fetishist because he likes Cassie even more. Oh, and Brandon is played by AJ Lamas, the son of Lorenzo Lamas – Renegade turned Christploitation star himself.
Brandon and Cassie are making out after she finally tells Brittany off, and she grows again. As she grows, the giant spider comes to attack and goes after the football stud. Thankfully, Brittany is about 20 feet tall now and is able to squish the spider with a stop sign. While Brandon is still hot on Cassie because he’s spent some time over at Clips4Sale site perusing the giantess fetish clips, things are a little too much for him with that giant spider and he takes off.
Cassie finds Kyle and he contacts Ted Raimi. Now, Teddy definitely has a little bit of that giantess boner too because when he sees Cassie naked in the pool, he tries getting a closer look at everything. Kyle is working on an anti-agent, but it isn’t going so well. He’s been working on it from the moment that Renew started showing other negative tendencies, but for right now, Kyle needs to hide her the best he can.
One of the things that I really, really like about this movie is that it is dumb, but that really super fun kind of dumb. It has a lot of comedy beats that are similar to college boner comedies from the 80s. It wasn’t afraid to do some nudity, and it features some of that good old fashioned sorority/fraternity kind of shenanigans. Since the 90s, it wasn’t entirely common for R-rated comedies to rely on old tried and true 80s comedy standards. So for there to be nudity in this, it’s kind of great. It brings back some of those classic feels of watching late night cable or using your note from your mom to rent raunchy comedies at the video store.
Now while all this was going on with Kyle trying to find an antidote and Ted Raimi getting help from Treat Williams and his shady medical company, Brittany is not doing well with being knocked off her pedestal as numero uno bad bitch on campus. After doing a little digging, she’s learned about Kyle and how he knows about the Renew compound. So she goes to pay him a little visit hoping to seduce some secrets from him.
Brittany is not successful in seducing Kyle, but he does accidentally stick her with two syringes of Renew. Meanwhile, Treat Williams tries to get Cassie to come with him and some goons he’s brought along for security. They eventually taser her to sleep (not sure how that works, but whatever). They take her to the medical company’s lab.
Elsewhere, Brittany is starting to grow too. It’s been noted that Renew is causing higher amounts of aggression as the subjects grow, and that’s certainly true for Brittany as she decides to manhandle Brandon when he comes to see her.
Also, this is certainly somebody’s exact fetish, right?
While Treat Williams plans to airlift Cassie off the campus, Brittany is now also a 50 foot cheerleader. Kyle found a giant syringe that is supposedly for elephants but just looks like a comically oversized prop syringe. Just before Kyle injects her with the antidote, Cassie says she doesn’t want it yet because she has to confront Brittany. If Renew made Cassie more aggressive, then Brittany will be a literal monster.
You know what this means? Giant chick fight.
But wait… Brittany’s second dose of Renew kicks in and makes her even bigger!
Okay… I think we found THE movie for all those giantess guys out there who just like big ladies. You don’t get just one, but two. And they fight! Kyle’s antidote works and it causes Brittany to shrink back to normal. He whipped up enough to give to Cassie and she returns to her old self, pimples and stringy hair and all. Kyle and Cassie make out, but the Kyle realizes that, uh-oh… He didn’t give Brittany the right amount of antibodies and it made her shrink to half her normal size. So the girl with the Napoleon complex is literally a tiny little person now.
Look, this movie is goofy, but it never set out to be anything but a goofy comedy. It’s a lot of fun, and yeah, giant cheerleaders? I can dig it. It had some legitimate laughs. Like I said, it took me back to some of the zany 80s comedies I grew up watching and with Roger Corman in the role as Producer, he knew exactly what this movie was supposed to be and I think it stuck the landing. Besides, I got some nudity to go along with some laughs, so… Yeah, I’m on board.
Besides, 2012 could do a whole lot worse.
Next week, I prove that 2015 could do a whole lot worse than Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader as things get truly outrageous around here. It’s not what people wanted. It’s not what they hoped they would get. But supposedly it claimed every generation needs a VOICE. I’m taking a look at the NEARLY 2 HOUR, widely panned Jem and the Holograms!