Well, holy hot damn… This is the 250th B-Movie Enema article!

So what do I do to celebrate? I kick off a second month of “Full Moon Fever”. I covered a bunch of Full Moon movies back in February of 2017. But then, over the course of the past year or so, I started looking at some other types of movies from Charles Band’s production company. More specifically, I started checking out some of the offerings from Torchlight which was the spicy wing of Full Moon.

Beach Babes from Beyond was one that I chose to do. So, to kick off Full Moon Fever II: Torchlight Diaries, let’s talk about its sequel, Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island!

As with the first entry of this duology, Beach Babes 2 is directed by David DeCoteau under one of his many pseudonyms, Ellen Cabot. Unlike the first entry, this movie doesn’t draw the relatives of famous actors to fill out the cast. No Joe Estevez, no Jackie Stallone, no Don Swayze, no Joey Travolta. There’s not even a Burt Ward or Linnea Quigley. I’m sure that will have no significant effect on the sequel.

While this movie went into production only one year after Beach Babes from Beyond was released, only one of the Beach Babes returns to reprise her character – Roxanne Blaze (Xena, credited as Sarah Bellomo). The other two actresses from the previous film playing Luna (Tamara Landry) and Sola (Nicole Posey) were replaced by Stephanie Hudson and Tina Hollimon respectively. Now, Hollimon looks nothing like Posey but I’m not sure that really doesn’t matter because we’re likely not going to be looking at her face all that much.

I think this an appropriate way to open these “Torchlight Diaries” because this was the first sequel that Torchlight ever released. Now, it was originally supposed to be released to video by Paramount, but the major studio had ended their relationship with Full Moon before this movie was completed. Supposedly the studio was still willing to distribute Beach Babes 2, but that was cancelled. So, instead, the film was released to Cinemax and then to home video later in 1998.

Oh… The movie was filmed in only five days. I bet that won’t be all that apparent either. But enough of this yappin’. It’s time to dive into this 250th B-Movie Enema!

Alright, so let’s not forget how Beach Babes from Beyond finished. They landed in Malibu or some such shit and got involved in some bonkers beach shenanigans. They then helped one of their boy toy’s uncle get laid by Linnea Quigley. They got laid and competed in a bikini contest. Then it came to an end with them taking off to return to their home planet.

Well, everything seemed to be going fine except Xena sneezes as she puts in the coordinates to get home and they crash land back on Earth. Luna and Sola wake up from being knocked out and go outside the ship to see what’s going on and discover that Xena is missing. They find her clothes but no Beach Babe. Well, as it turns out, Xena was found by a local caveman…

So this caveman has a water jug and a pair of Birkenstocks. Methinks this movie was hastily thrown together. Anyway, this guy says his name is Moon. He’s played by Kenneth Johnson which sounds about right for a Skinemax love interest actor name. Anyway, Xena doesn’t remember who she is, so the first thing she does is make out with Moon. He seems to understand her English, but doesn’t speak it. He just points and sort of mildly grunts. He then points to a Sunflower and decides that’s what this girl’s name will be for now on. She’s so happy she gives him a handy.

Least we forget about Sola and Luna, they are walking along the beach looking for Xena/Sunflower. Sola is complaining about her back hurting. What does Luna suggest to fix that? Fuckin’ beach party dancing.

I’m not going to lie. I’m barely five fuckin’ minutes into this movie and between caveman sex, an appreciative handy j, and dancing substituting for chiropractics, I think I love this movie. So how do you follow a solid minute of dance chiropractice? About three times as much time of Moon and Xena/Sunflower slo-mo dance fucking. But like that overly ridiculous soft core porn, late night Cinemax style of fucking? We have simulated eaties, simulated blowbers, belly-button eating, tummy humping, the whole nine yards. In fact, I think there was even simulated rimmers going on too.

This movie is fantastic.

If all of that wasn’t enough, suddenly, the movie pulls the rug out from under our knee-high boots. What happens next is… unexpected? Sola and Luna are still walking the same stretch of beach looking for someone to ask where they are and what’s going on and compliment them on how much better it smells than Malibu. Well, we see a Sony Handycam hanging out in a tree focusing in on our girls. This isn’t the Sony Handycam that filmed the handy j earlier because this one is connected to a screen that a guy in a control room is watching. Apparently, he’s got everything in a virtual reality simulation. He decides to send a dinosaur after Luna and Sola.

Let’s talk about this guy at the controls here. He is hamming it up big time. I don’t think there’s going to be much for this dinosaur to eat because this guy has chewed all the scenery already. Each time they cut to him, there’s a fast zoom in on him as he spouts off what sounds like breaking news headlines about what he’s doing and then passionately types something into the keyboard to, I guess, make the dinosaur do something. Then, zoom in, more insane comments, passionate typing, dinosaur. It’s a real winning pattern here.

Anyway, Sola and Luna apparently are able to get away from the dinosaur for now and continue their hunt for Xena/Sunflower. Speaking of, Moon managed to get her some nice new loincloths and leather-looking bikini top from Caveman Macy’s and she’s good to go now and not constantly naked – which is a bummer. Sola says her feet are now hurting. This time, though, Luna is all like, “Gosh, Sola, what about Xena?” instead of suggesting they do some happy fun time beach shenanigans dancing.

What they find instead is a beach community of other cavegirl babes. They decide to check it out and see if these girls have seen Xena. The girls don’t even acknowledge Luna and Sola’s existence. They just sit and stare or stand and stare or stand and pose. So how do you fix that shit? Dancing.

Of course the answer is dancing.

The first fifteen minutes have featured the following:
1. Space
2. Complete nudity of one character in particular
3. Dancing
4. Simulated sex in all forms with all orifices
5. Dinosaurs
6. Crazy man and his passionate typing skills and proficient creation of headline news
7. A tribe of sexy cave babes living on a beach
8. Dancing

I mean it. I kinda love this movie. This is one of those movies that at least kind of looks like a mid-90s movie. I mean it’s maybe not the greatest of filmstock, but it is at least better than shot on video quality. People are wearing costumes that someone had to either purchase, borrow from a strip club, or, dare I say, make. There’s at least one person willing to show their bits and bobs for the movie. There is a score and at least TWO dance tracks at this point in the movie.

BUUUT…

This is kind of an emblematic thing that DeCoteau was somewhat known for and criticized. He will produce a movie for you. You tell him what he’s got and what you want, and he’ll come back with whatever he had money and resources for. However, and maybe this is a little bit him, a little bit finances, a little bit of Charles Band, and a little bit whatever it takes to sell to Cinemax or video stores that is not a hardcore porno, but this is a fairly lazy as hell movie. I said it was made in five days? No shit it was made in five days. It probably was made not by monies but by McDonald’s cheeseburgers. I don’t know how you make a movie on a budget of 27,000 McDonald’s cheeseburgers, but Beach Babes 2 figured out a way to do it.

Okay, so Sola and Luna come across a weirdo named Gund. He’s got a paralyzed neck and lots of jokey jokes. He’s a pervert that creams his furs at the thought of what the Beach Babes do as a trio. He also arrives on the scene with a slide whistle and a sped up film run with sound effects right out of The Flintstones. So, of course he looks like this:

When Gund takes off suddenly, Sola asks, “What was that all about?”

I responded, “It’s called filler, my sweet. That was what that was all about.”

Oddly, we go back to Xena/Sunflower and Moon. He decides to fuck her with a banana. I don’t know if I or the movie are being sincere with that assessment but as he runs the tip of the banana all over her skin, we get a slo-mo replay of Sola and Luna dancing with the primitives on the beach. And look, you probably expect to see that captured in a YouTube video embedded below this paragraph, but, seriously, just go watch the last video of Luna and Sola dancing with the primitive babes and set it to .5 speed.

Next we have David DeCoteau’s favorite scene to shoot of the five day filming schedule:

I guess we aren’t ever going to find out if Xena/Sunflower got penetrated by the banana or if she and Moon ate it like normal people. Sola thinks this beefcake, whose name is Rock, is a yuppy. Luna knows he’s a caveman. He leads the girls along and Sola decides to watch his ass as he leads the way. He takes them back to the beach civilization we were just at for the last dance scene. Here, they are introduced to Rock’s bro and roommate, Dusty.

It’s right about here, when we end up back where we just were not five minutes ago, that I realize this movie maybe isn’t about anything. It has nothing to say except that dancing is a cure for a sore back, dancing is the perfect way to make first contact with a tribe, and Xena looks very good naked. I think that’s all we have here. I mean Sola does remind us of something we all learned in Astro-Politics class – everything happens for a reason. They were sent here to maybe advance these people, but they also have to keep looking for Xena so they have to say goodbye to their beefcake new beaus. But, because I’m this way, I need to question the lesson in Astro-Politics class, you know, because I’m a rebel. I’m one of those dangerous free thinkers who wants to tear down statues and systems and shit. I don’t think anything in this movie happens for a reason. I think this movie was made to pad out these types of scenes to prevent from having absolutely nothing but fuckin’:

By the way, while these two fuck next to that sweet ass cobra statue, we get a replay of the first dance scene in slow motion, so, you know, scroll up and take a look at that at half speed. But that moves into slow, seductive dancing with Dusty and Luna and Rock and Sola becuase… sure. I don’t think we’re going to actually get anymore of a plot than what we’ve already gotten. I wouldn’t even be surprised if these shots of these two couples dancing on the beach together would be the rest of the movie at this point.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still love the fuck out of this movie.

But! We actually get somewhere. Luna and Sola see Xena/Sunflower at the little beach civilization and realize she’s lost her memory of her friends. Luna remembers some lessons from Universal Psychology that if they bonk her on the head, it will reverse the amnesia. You know, I mentioned The Flintstones earlier. This whole idea of bonking someone on their head to reverse amnesia was a literal plot in one of the episodes of The Flintstones. But uh oh, Spaghettios, Xena now doesn’t remember Moon. So what’s he to do about that?

I mean… We all 100% know what he’s going to do about this, right? If your answer was “bonk her on the head again to make her remember the amnesiatic life she had with Moon”, well, you’re fucking dead wrong. What do you think this is? The Flintstones? No, he kisses her with tongue and she remembers that he’s Moon, and she likes his cavedick. With this, Sola proudly proclaims that it is high time that they party now that everyone is safe.

One late night cable soft core scene later…

I’ve come to the realization while I watch Sola grind against Rock for many, many minutes that this movie is like one of those Playboy video tapes they used to sell in the “Special Interest” section of Suncoast Video. It’s just a bunch of vaguely sexy things going on with vaguely erotic clothes and music playing. However, it is just there to make people look good and for the people watching to say, “Hey, those people look good and it makes me feel funny in my pants!” But then it is also that whole Flintstones plot of the amnesia, the prehistoric stuff and silliness and what have you. Hang on a second here… I’ve almost got the math done here…

It’s like a Playboy video made by a guy who grew up on The Flintstones and later saw the movie Overboard, like, 15 times in the theater.

Yeah. That sounds about right. Anyway, more plot finally happens. Moon tells Xena that he loves her – in caveman language. As they embrace, she sees a camera in a tree. She asks him about that and then all of a sudden, in plain English, he tells her it’s not what she thinks. We then see the evil guy in his little computer console. He plans to turn this into a brothel. Also, Gund is his Igor of sorts. So this is the big bad guy, named James T. Renford II, and this is not Earth or maybe it is? I dunno. It’s very foggy what planet this is.

I guess the allure and selling point of this brothel planet will be the Beach Babes because they are, like, just the tits when it comes to beauty, right? I mean, yeah, they are pretty, but… Are they intergalactically pretty? This was 1994 and Alyssa Milano was running around making some damn steamy movies. Now that is intergalactically pretty.

One soft core sex scene later…

Renford sends Gund out to snag Sola. She gets locked in a cage while the other two Beach Babes try to get Rock, Moon, and Dusty to spill the secrets and where Sola is. Sola tries to get Gund to turn against Renford (who always wants to be referred to by his full name at all times, but fuck him, he’s a bad guy so I’m not gonna do that) by being sweet and sexy to him. And I guess whistle to him…

Gund finds Luna and Xena and tells them that he has to follow him to see Sola. He even does the whole “walk this way” joke from Young Frankenstein and that sucked. It’s all a ruse and they end up in the cage with Sola. Anyway, the beefcakes decide that they need to figure out what happened to the Beach Babes. How do they think it over?

Well, Rock is about the only one, at first, who isn’t into the idea of saving the girls. Seems like he just wants to fuck everything, but he actually does like Sola despite his demeanor. He figures out that the girls have not left the planet. So they must be at Renford’s. Unfortunately, for this stretch of the movie, we’re left with these three goons instead of the girls. They figure out how to open the door blocking Bronson Cave from entry, and find the key that Renford has for his Beach Babe cage.

Two things to point out in this scene. First, I actually realize that they really filmed not just outside Bronson Cave, but apparently INSIDE it too. Normally you only ever see the outside part. So that’s neat. If you are reading this and don’t know what Bronson Cave is, google it and look at pics. You’ve seen it and maybe didn’t realize how often you’ve seen it.

Second, ew.

Anyway, the guys end up getting captured and put in the cage with the Beach Babes. It’s a good thing that Gund is easily called by Sola’s siren whistling of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”. He is convinced to get the key and free them. So all that drama of the guys being captured and thrown into the cage with the girls is all sound and fury ultimately signifying nothing.

Moon, whatever his name is in actuality, decides to return to the Babes’ home planet to be with Xena. Rock tries to talk him out of it by getting real fuckin’ xenophobic about how they are not compatible. This works on Moon. Because he is a fucking idiot. Anyway, Dusty did a thing to Renford’s computer when they escaped, but what he did will blow the place up, like real bad. So the girls decide to leave and blast off. This means they are leaving the planet before it explodes.

But…

At one point, one of the beefcakes says that he was from, like New Jersey or something. Another said his parents are always flying to France and stuff. There have been multiple references to the fact that the Beach Babes crashed back on Earth. Plus, that is 100% Bronson Cave. Did these goober dudes blow up Earth? Am I dead right right now? All those other captured cave babes are dead for sure. I’m very concerned about all this!

Whatever. Lap dance time.

Okay, so after the very long Playboy video style sequence, I get the answer to my previous concerns. Gund and the beefcakes get dropped off in Hollywood. Now, either they were just kidding around about the planet blowing up as a whole, or they meant that island was going to blow up, or they were actually on another planet. Either way, those poor tribe girls are all Deadsville big time.

More dancing. Credits. Good times had by all.

This movie is one of those movies that is incredibly stupid but also so sincerely inoffensive to my eyes and brain that I can’t hate it. Oh, the movie sucks. It really does, but it is also a ton of fun to watch just to see at what point beach dancing will break out. I also mentioned, multiple times, that I loved it. It’s so stupid, you almost have to just pat the movie on its head and smile at it.

Well, that put s to rest B-Movie Enema #250. I have now written a quarter of a thousand articles on this blog. That’s insane. I really should celebrate this. So, how’s about this… Starting tomorrow, January 2, 2021, you can now watch B-Movie Enema: The Series on YouTube and right here on this site! There will be 13 episodes for season one and season two, full of 16 episodes, will be coming in September! So, come, watch a full movie with me. It’s not the normal hosted movies you typically see. I am not beholden to any network so, go there to the YouTube channel and subscribe! I will also be posting things here and there that will appear in these articles as well so you can check out lots of stuff!

Also, at 2am late Saturday nights/early Sunday mornings, starting that same weekend (January 3 to be exact), if you have a Roku, you can watch B-Movie Enema: The Series on OtherWorlds TV! Have a Roku? Need to get that channel? Get it free HERE!

Want to know what we’re showing and when? Here’s the schedule!

Okie dokie… Come back next week as we continue Full Moon Fever II: Torchlight Diaries! The next movie featured will be another babe from the stars – Femalien! Be here next Friday for the texty goodness, and be sure to tune in on Saturdays for B-Movie Enema: The Series!