Oh boy. Here’s the conclusion to Full Moon Fever II: Torchlight Diaries, and… I already have questions from just looking at the trailer. But we’ll get to those many, many questions I have in just a moment.
This week’s movie is Virgin Hunters 2. This is a sequel to a rather fun little mid-90s sex romp comedy that I covered already. That was a legit movie made for the top shelf of the video store with legitimate story, cameras, probably actors, and maybe some good jokes in there too. I remember that film kind of fondly. It was a simpler time in 1994.
But Virgin Hunters 2? This is confusing as all get out. So the movie supposedly came out in like October 2016, right? The Full Moon website says that. The back of the box says that. But the back of the box also says the movie’s production date was 1985. But the trailer looks like the mid 90s (which was around the time the first came out), and starring people of the time (more on that in a minute). Also, look at that shot-on-video quality of high end Playboy TV productions.
But let’s talk about who is in this movie. We have ladies like Amber Newman, Tina Tyler, and Dru Berrymore. These ladies are best known for adult features they made from the mid 90s through the 00s or so. Dru Berrymore is probably the best known of the trio as she used the porn parody like name that sounds and looks like a popular mainstream actress of the time. My favorite title in Ms. Berrymore’s filmography? Buttslammers 20. As for Amber Newman, really, she’s mostly in soft core stuff and Cinemax fodder. My favorite title in Tina Tyler’s filmography? 1-900-Fuck. Simple, to the point. It’s such a simple and to the point title, it doesn’t have enough characters to be anything near a real US telephone number. Bravo.
Directed by Cybil Richards, who did our second movie this month, Femalien, Virgin Hunters 2 is a confusing bag of… something. I suspect the “Production Date” on the back of the box that says 1985 is a typo. It stars people who were not really making movies at the time this was (finally?) released. It also looks really, really old. Let’s not forget that Cybil Richards were cranking out movies primarily in the 90s too. So, I really do think this is something not of the time of 2016.
But there are two babes on the cover who are very, very contemporary and sexy. It gives a little something for everyone on the cover. Like blondes? Check. Like girls who look kinda young, but legal? Check check. Topless? Oh, you betcha. How about some thongs? Got those too! Shiiit, if you like feet, there’s a little bit of that as a bonus – particularly the soles of that one girl. I know there are some weirdos out there who probably bought this movie just for that alone.
For those who DID buy this because of the cover, while these two ladies are not in the film (because I don’t think they were born yet), Charles Band was kind enough to give them their own featured behind the scenes of the cover photoshoot special feature. So… Have at it. It’s totally worth it.
The movie jumps right in with a TV showing Morgan Fairchild running away with the cyborg virgin hunter guy. That guy was supposed to last for 75 years, but she fucked him so often that he died in just like a decade or something. So she took his robot parts and got patents on it all and hoped to recreate her robot lover but when that didn’t work out, she went back to her original plan to run for office and get sex banned again. So all that stuff the heroes in the first film tried to prevent? Didn’t matter. Bummer.
Some people decided to leave Earth so they can find places to fuck. On board the ship, we find out what we are dealing with…
Remember back to Beach Babes 2. I pondered if that movie was somehow made for McDonald’s cheeseburgers instead of an actual money? I’m 1000% sure this was made on a budget of 23,000 2-pc Fish ‘n Mores from Long John Silver’s. We have this empty void with some lights strung up here and there and people talking like future people with incredible head trauma. They are planning for some maybe virtual sex? OR just regular sex in a holodeck type of place? Either way, they decide on a place to fuck and they get beamed there and do a grotto-based soft core scene. This is also from the time in which future people talk like the assholes in Demolition Man too? That makes this movie difficult to watch and take seriously.
I mean, in no which way can this movie be taken seriously, but you know…
Anyway, we now get to meet President Alice (Tina Tyler), the lady in charge of things around here. Now, you may be curious why nobody tried to dress up the scene to look like the Oval Office. Well, Madame President here is also curious about this. Don’t worry though, the Oval Office is being renovated. She gets warned of a crisis of the rise of support for C.A.R.P. (Citizens Against Regulated Procreation). She doesn’t like the sound of this group. They want their message to be read to as many people as possible. Their message is a video of a man and woman just plowing each other.
And sure enough, the leader of C.A.R.P. is a lady named Karina (Nikki Steel). She live streams fuck sessions with her frosted-tip boyfriend. She tries to get people to watch them so they will also fuck and be freed from the oppression of not being allowed to do the things to the people you want to do the things to. Also… Crinkled yellow-blonde hair with bangs is not a 2016 thing.
This sex scene is extremely long. It’s one of those scenes that makes you question what sexy is. Like I kinda feel like I am seeing things I should like. I like naked women. I like sex. I like watching naked women. I like watching sex. However, this is so unexciting in the delivery because it’s just two people smooshed into one another. I mean, yes, sex can be like that, but I mean they are smooshed into ways that would not make for fun sex. I’m looking at this and saying, “I don’t know much, but I know that’s not how that works.” And I just want to get to the next scene. so this movie will get movie-ing.
Anyway, this doofy goober that Karina is with is frustrated with their life. They get to have some good sex, but Karina is mostly, seemingly, interested in getting the word out about the movement. She’s always wanting protests, video uploads, statistics, and so on. He wants to have a normal life. He isn’t seeing what the change is doing even if, incrementally, the numbers are going up. He doesn’t want to live in a sewer anymore. He wants a home and just to not be on the run constantly.
Meanwhile, the space people, who probably actually are aliens or humans who have been gone from Earth for a long time, which would explain their language quirks, but actually explains less about this movie, come to Earth and goes to a diner where they are confused by the offer of colored food choices. I guess they just have slop for sustenance and that’s it. The couple is surprised to find out that the year is 2099.
Meanwhile, the President has her army or police or whatever guy try to triangulate and find the people who are with C.A.R.P. and round them up. He seems to also have plans to remove the President? I dunno. This movie is confusing and pretty stupid.
So Lex and Trina (our aliens/space people played by Jerry Banks and Dru Berrymore) decide to bring waitress Beth up to their space ship to I guess… eat… her…? I dunno. They complained about the blue slop they got at the diner, but immediately switch from saying they wanted food to wanting to know when Beth (Amber Newman) was going to be done with her shift. They beamed her up and all of this and all these plotlines make me feel like actress Amber Newman right now…
Beth says she will accept that while these two said they are from Paris, they are from a place called Paris in another galaxy. She… accepts that. No questions. No problems. No moment to collect her senses after hearing about where these people say they are from. She gives them the rundown that “the Puritans” outlawed sex. It was the root of all that was wrong. She also said that people were much cooler to one another, but that sex was a no-no. They won’t brain or anal probe her but they are going to probe other things. But first… Orgasmic sweets.
As it is painfully obvious to see, this movie was NEVER meant to be a sequel to Virgin Hunters. I mean, there is the puritanical element that is basically similar, but this is no where near the same quality or anything that should indicate it was made with the thought that it would be related to the other movie. Remember also that the first movie was actually released with the name Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000. It was only later reverted back to Virgin Hunters when there was no concern about its release from Paramount Home Video.
In fact, until the two separate plotlines converge, I’m not even convinced the film isn’t a combination of two movies spliced together.
For the other side of the movie, the President and her android assistant find Karina’s base, and get inside. They are discovered by Karina and her dude and they pretend they are here to sign up with C.A.R.P. Also, each time I think or hear or type C.A.R.P., all I can think of is…
We bounce back to Lex, Trina, and Beth on the spaceship’s Holodeck. The aliens, though not supposed to be interfering with Earth’s culture, tell Beth to tell the people of Earth about sex. So she immediately tells her manager at the diner about how she had sex, there are things in the food to suppress sexual desire, and that she wants to make out with him and fuck him into the next week. She does. She kisses him and then does a lap dance before getting tot he real nitty gritty.
If this movie was indeed meant to be made as it is with two different plots playing out simultaneously, it is kind of funny that the one chick has dedicated her life to getting people to bone each other, but another chick has a chance encounter with aliens and gets more done in, like, an hour than the other did all her life.
Actually that might make this film ultra realistic. It’s always some lucky asshole who supersedes the dope who wasted their life to get a thing done.
Speaking of the dope who has apparently wasted her life on a religious interpretation of sexual acts, we go back to their base with the President and her robo-servant. While Madame President says it’s super cool to be in C.A.R.P., Karina says they haven’t joined yet. They still have to go through initiation – which is, of course, sex. So I guess I can go ahead and say this… This is maybe the first President I ever actually wanted to see fuck.
Okay, so maybe the President is getting a healthy dose of what having sex is all about and that will surely help get some policy changes done. Maybe like a Pink New Deal or something. Maybe a real look at Universal Basic Incum or something. Also, next time around, Tina Tyler has my vote. She’s got some decent platform ideas.
Of course, Karina video taped the hot fuck sesh. Additionally, she knows this is the President. Alice says she wants to go back to Washington and make some changes. To prove that she can be trusted, she decides she wants to try the other team out for a bit.
Elsewhere, Lex, Trina, and Beth talk to the national security dude who wants to overthrow the President, but he already is aware of the aliens because he’s got that access to the government files and shit. But there are only 20 minutes left in this movie and I’m not sure how this ends with any kind of well-thought out plot. The story is still sliced in two and the President isn’t hurrying back to D.C. to tell people to fuck because she is getting busy with Trina. The aliens are moving very slowly too. Beth is just along for the ride.
Oh, wait… This just in… This movie did not do a plot on a “well-thought out” plan. That helps explain some stuff. The real problem with this movie is that it has neither the sense of humor of the first Virgin Hunters or the hardcore sex of something that would actually be sexy. Obviously, this movie was made, and edited, and put together, but there’s no way that this was considered to be what it ultimately got titled. Whatever this is, it also feels incomplete. Maybe having the two separate plotlines detracted from the whole movie. Of course, there is a third film in this series too so there may not have ever been a planned ending or concise plot for this movie to begin with.
With ten minutes to go in the movie, the national security dude is in charge of the US (the Vice President was on a trip to the dark side of the moon so he can’t be there to take over for the President as Alice and Karina’s tryst was filmed and made public). He’s arrested Lex, Trina, and Beth, and Alice is trying to figure out how to get power back so she can tell people to go out and bust a nut. The last ten minutes is spent with a three-way between Lex, Trina, and Beth so they can turn that sexual energy into something that will help them escape.
Lex and Trina are able to use the energy to beam back to their spaceship. Unfortunately, Beth couldn’t beam with them because she’s a human. Lex and Trina realize they fucked up by messing with the natural course of human society, but then they didn’t realize that was everyone’s goals to begin with so I guess they didn’t mess up and the last few minutes of his movie was completely worthless.
But I guess sex wins the movie?
You know what I win though? My freedom from Full Moon Fever II: Torchlight Diaries. I’ll someday get around to Virgin Hunters 3: Agents of Passion, but I’m okay to be done with this for now. Frankly, the major confusion around when the movie was actually “made”, and what the original idea was (whether or not it was a real sequel to the first and so forth) was a massive distraction. I mean, it didn’t help that the plot was so razor thin and the jovial feel of the original was completely gone, but I guess you can’t win them all.
Next week, we get back to a more every day kind of B-Movie Enema fare. More on that in a moment. First, be sure to check out this week’s new episode of B-Movie Enema: The Series as I travel back to the early 60s for a sultry story of a torch singer who couldn’t resist trying to take everything in her reach – Satan in High Heels! That will premiere on the B-Movie Enema YouTube Channel at 7pm tomorrow, January 30, 2021.
Then, next Friday, what do you get when you take a little indie production and mix in some MK Ultra business, and then some fetishistic stuff? You get the Canadian political thriller Kenneyville! Be here in seven short days for that!