As 1983 dawned, Jess Franco was a man on a mission… He was going to make 16 movies.
Let that set in. SIXTEEN MOVIES. Quentin Tarantino won’t make 16 movies in his career. Okay, sure, one or two of them were not directed by him, but he produced and/or wrote them. What the fuck ever. He was making more than one movie a month. Okay, sure, most of them didn’t have much of a budget, or much of a costuming department, or a story. What the fuck ever. He was plowing through movies on his way to his most productive year in his incredibly productive career.
So, in February of 1983, he released one of those 16 flicks in Spain – Night of Open Sex. This is our fourth entry in Lina Romay Month here at B-Movie Enema, and this one might be a doozy. You see, Night of Open Sex isn’t quite like the previous entries this month. Oh no. This movie is actually a Eurospy thriller comedy caper. How does any of that work? I dunno, but here we are.
Now, how do you suppose you get to that number of productions so quickly? Well, you take a shitload of money, hire what comes down to a troupe of actors, and you bang (heh… bang) out those movies. Naturally, you have Lina Romay. Check. Antonio Mayans? Check. He was typically billed as Robert Foster, but he appeared in Oasis of the Zombies and Cries of Pleasure, among others. Then, what about Dr. George Louys in Sinfonia Erotica, Albino Graziani? Check! I think you get the point here. Everyone in this movie had been in other Franco films leading up to, during, and after Night of Open Sex.
Shit, Juana de la Moreno is not only in this, but also worked in the makeup department for later Franco movies in the 80s.
So, as I said, this is what’s called a Eurospy movie. What the fuck is that? Well, there’s this little franchise you might have heard of called the James Bond series, right? Those movies started off fairly popular, but by the time the third film in that series, Goldfinger, was released, Bond was a full on international phenomenon. France, Spain, and especially Italy wasn’t going to let the United Kingdom and United States have all the fun. They started producing parodies and copies of Bond films with basically the same formula – cool guy, gorgeous babes, and gadgets.
Eurospy movies were quite popular in the mid to late 60s. They often used the same actors that would have been in Bond movies too. But really, for the most part, they were less serious, and sometimes straight out comedic movies meant to poke a little fun at the serious spy genre. Several of these movies ultimately ended up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the 90s. A few of those are some of the very best episodes of that series.
Now, why is there a Eurospy movie being made in 1982 for a 1983 release? Because. I’d like to think this was Jess Franco getting a jump on not one, but two competing James Bond films coming out in 1983. Never Say Never Again was Sean Connery’s big return to the role after a 12 year absence, but that wasn’t coming until the later part of the year. What was coming and what I suspect Jess Franco pointed to and said, “I can do that too!” was June’s Octopussy. I mean, no fucking doubt that title raised some eyebrows. I really hope this movie is a rip off of Octopussy even though it came out before Octopussy so it can’t rip off that movie if it no one knew anything about Octopussy until it was too late to make Night of Open Sex.
Oh fuck it.
Our movie opens from two different perspectives. We cut back and forth from a peaceful and scenic drive with a guy humming a song to a Cuban or some sort of Hispanic sounding music and a sexed out Moira (Romay) grooving in a dance club/cabaret at a DJ station. I appreciate the heat of Lina Romay in this opening.
The man driving the car was Al Crosby (Mayans/Foster). He’s there specifically to see Moira. I mean… Who wouldn’t? By the end of the song, she’s slithered her way out of the DJ station to writhe around for the attendees and remove her clothes. She’s also moaning and, at one point, was pleading for help. I feel like some of this stuff in the early 80s would be caused by cocaine, but what do I know?
I’d say I’m rather confused about what the hell is going on, but all I know is there’s a club that Lina Romay gets naked on the top of a hood of a fake car that also makes up a DJ stage thing that then results in her rubbing her tits for the crowd. I don’t know what that is, but I like it. I also know the audience likes it because nofuckingshittheylikeit.
So, after her, um, performance, she’s surprised, uh, “backstage” by a man named Vickers. Vickers is her lover or regular Saturday Night Thing? I dunno. I do know they are seemingly cozy. Al Crosby watches and follows them. Vickers parks outside the home of a woman who is typing something. He tells her that the General sent him and after saying he’s early, he punches her out and calls Moira up. They question her about where she’s been and where she’s headed off to at dawn. She swears she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he’s got ways to make her talk. He has Moira get the curling iron…
Did Sleepaway Camp rip Jess Franco off? I say that because, to make her talk, they are sticking that hot curling iron against her lady bits. Not the upstairs bits. The DOWNstairs bits. Vickers is into this. He thinks she’ll be meeting this General dude each morning and he wants to know about that, but she has to eventually give in. She says this General is injured and he asked her to visit him. She’s a relative. She’s about to explain what he was going to give her, but she dies.
Hey… Remember when I said this was supposedly a comedy caper? There’s already been vaginal torture that’s led to an innocent woman’s death. I mean, that’s funny, right?
Okay, so Moira is posing as this woman, Tina, who got her lady bits burned… TO DEATH. She’s going to meet with this General. Vickers has all this sorted out and is paying Moira $5,000 to potentially get killed or be discovered, etc. He says it will probably be okay. She goes inside and the General is lying on the couch in not great shape. He has what he thinks is his niece come in and asks for her to show him this half of a photo that Tina had. It’s a naked girl. I don’t ever remember a spy movie that ever used half a nudie mag pic as a password before, but leave it up to Jess Franco to crack that nut… In more ways than one.
Anyway, that forms the full picture of this Tina Klaus. I guess his niece once did a nudie photoshoot. Anyway, he tells her where the book is that will give away his “secret” that I guess Vickers wants. He then begins to quiz her and she’s not able to answer all her questions. She then tries to kill him before he can kill her. Al comes in after her and finishes the job.
Yup. Hilarious madcap caper movie here. But…
I’m not entirely sure what this portion of the movie is, though. Lina is there on the floor, looking at nudie mags and licking the dicks and cooches while she rolls around and listens to what sounds like a German new wave band playing a song that just repeats the lyric “The taste taste taste taste taste taste of your sperm!” I think she’s back at the club where she works. I mean it does cut to people applauding. This… This is a very bizarre disco. Like more bizarre than somewhere Andy Warhol would go… Hahahahaha! That’s horseshit and we all know it.
For this “performance”, a couple watches Moira doing her thing on the floor, which I’m sure has all sorts of nasty shit baked into that carpet, but whatever. The woman knows Moira. The fella is curious if she would “join” them. I do find it interesting that this club has not just horny guys who come to watch Moira fingerblast herself all night, but people go on dates there too. Like guys and girls in their early 20s just going there like it’s the fucking local rollerskating rink.
Anyway, the guy and girl invite Moira to party with them and they have to decide whose place they are going to. She goes to the dressing room and is surprised to see Al is waiting for her there. He claims he’s there to sell her a watch, why he would be in her dressing room to do so, I couldn’t tell you, but this is European and I guess that explains some of that. As she’s distracted by that, he knocks her out and makes off with her into the night.
The next day, Moira is tied to a bed and Al Crosby is out getting groceries. You can’t have a hostage situation without the proper supplies and snacks. That’s Kidnapping 101. He questions her about what she knows about the General, Tina Klaus, and the book she got from the General. She just says that Vickers hired her to escort him on a job. He calls her an idiot, rude, but also hot. He decides to fuck her while she can’t fight back.
In the following scene, she’s willingly blowing him at his house. They are now discussing whether or not they can be partners. Whether or not it is a short term or long term deal is yet to be seen, but Crosby says he can at least pay her more than that Vickers jerk did. This is all fine and good, but I’m not sure what that book is she stole and I’m not getting any info from European Dan Larson. If I knew what was in there, I’d probably understand this movie a whole hell of a lot better. All I can rest my head on here is that Lina Romay is VERY pretty.
There is one other thing I am liking quite a bit in this first half of the movie – the locations. Everything about this movie feels exotic. At the beginning of the movie, Mayans is driving along a gorgeous coastline shortly after sundown and it looked serene. Even the daytime shots shortly after that with Vickers driving Moira to where the General is was nearly tropical with palms and such. On Crosby’s balcony, it has this almost vacation resort feel with a breeze coming off the sea and this kind of hazy comfort. I want to be there and feel that breeze. You just know that if it is 80 degrees that night, that breeze probably feels and smells great.
I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s an old timey feel to these locations that immediately reminds me of 70s and 80s James Bond locations.
Alright, here’s the the best I can figure as far as the emotional stuff. When they were on Crosby’s balcony and talking “business”, that’s not exactly what Moira was referring to. She said that she had never been satisfied with a man before Crosby. She was hoping that this partnership would be a long term romantic one, not just a business relationship. She asks Al if he believes her when she complements his prowess and how she feels with him and he says he does not, but they’ll talk again in the morning.
My question comes down to this… Was it the casual rape that made Moira fall in love with Al, or was it the half a dozen or so scenes that Franco either forgot to film, didn’t write, didn’t think would be needed, or didn’t have the money to film that these realizations came to light for her, and for us. Because I went from Crosby raping Moira while she was tied to a bed to her blowing him to her saying she has never had an experience with a man like she had with him.
You know what? Fuck it.
As she settles in for I dunno, a night of naked smoking then sleeping, that dude from the cabaret comes in saying that they were supposed to have a date, but she kinda forgot about that. He knows that she was with Crosby, but doesn’t so much care. You know why? They are gonna fuck one way or another. Outside, Crosby comes back and listens at the door while that one dude from the club lays some pipe. He’s so cool he just sits there and listens with his jacket slung over his shoulder like he just doesn’t have a single care in the whole world.
You see, to be an international man of intrigue like Crosby, you just gotta be cool.
At the cabaret, Moira and her friend that knew the guy she fucked the night before are doing a tongue thing. This is not the first time I’ve seen something like this in these Franco movies. This tongue wrestling… I’ve seen girls full on kiss each other. This tongue thing seems like it would be extra, I dunno, drooly? Was this considered sexy at one point in time? What does it represent? It’s not very passionate. In fact, it comes off as downright lazy and completely dispassionate. It always seems like one is doing more work than the other. When I want to watch girls full on kiss and do the make out, I want to see them go for it. I want them to sell it. I don’t want this lazy bullshit.
And I’ll tell you another thing… The same thing goes for dudes. Don’t do this. Just go for it, guys, gals, everyone in between.
Okay, I’ve said my piece. Let’s move on. They go from rubbing tongues to rubbing boob against boob. The crowd applauds and I guess this passes for sexy in 1983. At least Moira goes for that tit and bush. By the way, her blonde friend is Lorna Green who I mentioned earlier. I’d tell you what her character’s name is if she had one. No shit, she does not have a character name. Her guy friend who had sex with Moira the night before and watching the show with these two is the actor Antonio Rebollo, but he too has no character name. These people do consequential shit in your movie, Jess. I would have liked if they had names.
Now, two guys in this movie who DO have names, Vickers and Crosby, meet up during this performance too. This long awaited meeting goes down as such:
Crosby: Hey, you Vickers?
Vickers: Yeah. You Crosby?
Vickers: Why you follow me?
Crosby: Because I had the business.
Vickers: Is that so? What kind of the business?
Crosby: I was hired by a dude to kill you, dude *STAB*
Vickers: Ow, dude! *DIES*
Okay… So I still don’t know what any of anything means. Anyway, Moira has to beat a hasty retreat because there’s a threatening note written in blood in her dressing room. Her unnamed friends chloroform her and make off with her. I wonder if they are going to sex her while she’s tied up and she falls in love with them.
The answer to that is no. They beat her up and try to get her to talk about where these motherfucking books are. What are these books?!? I don’t know if I missed something or if ol’ Uncle Jess is just on the sauce again and more concerned about showing dat tits and ass than he is about telling us a story.
This scene lasts only barely longer than it did to get that screenshot as Crosby arrives and saves Moira. He takes her to his friend’s place. Turns out it is not a friend’s place. It’s a Count’s place that is tied up in the other room. That Count is played by Jess himself. I guess this is the comedy portion of the movie. Anyway, Crosby is ready to decode the General’s books. Moira is ready to fuck. I’m not sure how she doesn’t dry up every guy in town.
By the way, this is dialog spoken in this movie:
I mean, I guess it is Moira wanting to do the raping so, I guess that’s progress…? Right guys?
Is anyone left here?
Look, I know this one feels all over the place. That’s only because it is. This movie is stealing books, killing women with hot curling irons to the vagoozies, kidnapping, rape (both ways), decoding a book, cabaret performances that is mostly just writhing on a dirty ass carpet and licking nudie mags, and batshit insanity in general.
Like a newlywed couple, they work on the secrets of the books like it’s the Sunday Jumble. It’s a lot of random words. But god motherfucking dammit, we’re going to hear every one of these goddamn words in these books that are hundreds of pages long. Using some of the words, they go to a costal location that used to be called something like “The Old Finger of God” which matches some of the words in the puzzle.
Finally, Moira asks the million dollar question – What did the General hide using these books as a map?
You motherfuckers… I had to wait until minute 75 of a 90 minute movie to finally hear what you think these books will uncover. Basically, Crosby thinks it’s about $10 million in Nazi gold that was stashed away after World War II. Since Moira does her best thinking on her back and legs spread, she has the bright idea to mix the words from the two books together. Basically go back and forth until it makes sense. What do ya know? It does!
They were followed by the magnificent nameless duo who look down from a helicopter. They find a house in the jungle that hides the treasure. You see Kraus’ uncle was a for real Nazi. This gold was meant to help fund the New Nazi Movement. The final puzzle is to read a piece of music and play it at one of those organs that the keys are numbered? The piece of music is also numbered? I feel like that should be easy?
And, alas, she does it and it opens a safe where the gold is hidden. They get mega horny looking at the very large pile of very valuable gold. So they decide to look at it while they fuck on this Nazi’s couch. This turns out to be the best idea anyone in this movie has had yet.
The nameless duo come down the stairs to the bunker by following Moira’s moans and sex sounds. They negotiate for half the gold since there is surely enough for everyone. It pains Crosby to see them take that portion. The duo takes their portion and leave as they said they would and that’s that. We end with Moira smiling and horny and Crosby kind of bummed out.
But also horny.
Man, what a fucking weird movie, guys. I don’t know whether I actually like this movie or not. I mean… It’s got lots of plot, I guess. Probably more than any other movie covered to this point in Lina Romay Month, but holy shit this movie has multiple personalities. Any one of these personalities would be interesting or likable, but all crammed together into this 90 minutes? It’s a bit much.
For example, our first portion was a straight out heist movie involving really bad people. Don’t forget, Moira fucking killed a woman by way of torturing her snatch with a curling iron. We can debate whether or not she intended on doing that or if it was truly all an accident, but you know what? She didn’t seem to have that on her conscience at all for the rest of the movie.
Next, we have this Nazi gold plot, right? That gives the heist angle extra weight because we’re now watching a movie that has a bit more intrigue and espionage. But there’s also all the crazy sex shit in the cabaret! And then the physical and sexual assault stuff!
Just when you are about to forget that this movie was also supposed to be a comedy, then the final act swings in to have Moira and Crosby be these kind of hapless schmucks chasing after this immense treasure. They can’t focus for 20 minutes before they need to fuck. Things get a little… like… broad sex comedy in this portion?
This movie is so bizarre. I think it’s that strangeness that give it the charm it has. Let’s not forget I praised the locations. This movie has a good look to it. In fact, this is the best looking movie of the month so far. That almost seduces me into just loving this movie. But then again, I don’t know how to love this movie because I’m being presented with all its personalities at once. This is one I gotta think on for a while.
While I do that, I should get prepared for next week’s big conclusion to Lina Romay Month. That comes in the form of Shining Sex. That’s a 1975 SCIENCE FICTION sex film from Franco. That’s probably going to blow the weirdness of this movie right out the goddamn water. We’ll do with that next week, but in the meantime, let me try to sort out these feelings I have about Night of Open Sex. I promise to have it all figured out before we do this sci-fi business.
While I figure all that out, you can do a thing for me! Why not go over to the B-Movie Enema YouTube channel? There, you can find the first season of B-Movie Enema: The Series. You’ll also find several clips that I pull when I need some extra help fully describing something crazy. Also, check out the site’s Facebook page as well as Twitter too!
See you next week, Enemaniacs!