You know what sucks? Getting Old.

Yeah, being 45 sucks. That’s absolutely true. Once upon a time, I used to be young, virile, and hot shit, man. Now I’m just cold diarrhea. I’ve passed out of the realm of being listened to. I’m no longer marketed to – for anything important. Don’t get me wrong. Transformers and G.I. Joe and everything just slathered in 80s nostalgia are being marketed to me like tits to the man with all the one dollar bills on amateur night.

I don’t know what that means.

Anyway, Yeah, aging sucks. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about getting a copy of M. Night Shyamalan’s 2021 thriller Old. At some point I knew I was going to be doing this on B-Movie Enema. Here’s the thing, though… Once upon a time, I never really expected to do one of this guy’s movies. Let’s get into it.

M. Night Shyamalan, of course, hit the biiiiig time with The Sixth Sense. Man, I still remember seeing that movie the first time in the theater in 1999. The theater lost power thanks to a midwestern summer thunderstorm just as the big reveal was just starting to play out. I had to wait, like, 24 hours to get back to the theater and see the rest of the movie. It didn’t lessen the impact. Oh no… It’s still an incredible movie with a hell of a twist that still has power today no matter how many times you’ve seen the film.

While The Sixth Sense was every bit deserving of its praise, its box office take, and its Academy Award consideration, many would say that his next film, Unbreakable, is even better. These are two movies that people point to as counterpoints whenever people just try to pigeon-hole Bruce Willis as kind of a lunkhead, action guy with quips and Jersey attitude. These two movies highlight every single thing Bruce Willis was truly capable of as a kind of quieter character and very much a person who internalizes much of the drama. They are both beautiful roles that Willis played perfectly.

2002’s Signs is where people begin to waver on Shyamalan’s talent to craft twisty, turny movies. Personally, I like the movie. I think there are a couple of incredibly creepy scenes with the aliens. The twist is what some people kind of sour on with the movie. I can kind of understand it. There’s no real reason to believe that a woman would know to inform her husband of what he needs to tell his brother to do in the climax years in advance, but, honestly, I’m gonna believe there are aliens coming and terrorizing this farm, so I can also believe there’s some Jacob’s Ladder-style precognition too. Okay? Okay.

2004’s The Village was when I had enough. I have very strong opinions about The Village. I really disliked it. I disliked the twist. I disliked the reasoning that leads to the twist. I hate that I figured it all out weeks before seeing the movie. No, it wasn’t ruined online or anything. It’s that we know Shyamalan does twists. You begin guessing it in advance. In this case, I nailed it in one try. I knew that village was a commune in present times and that the monster that keeps everyone in the village was a fabrication. I figured it out three weeks before seeing the movie. I was frustrated that I knew everything that was going to play out. I became enraged when I started looking at the morality of the characters who made the decision to create the village. I will totally admit that rage came from me already knowing exactly how everything in the movie’s story was going to play out, but the characters only worsened it.

I’ve not seen a Shyamalan film since. No ladies in water. No happenings. No airbenders or visits or going anywhere after Earth or splitting glass. That ends today. I’m going to watch Old.

Why did I decide to cover this movie? Well, I’m going to try to explain this as best I can. This movie was originally going to be released in February of 2021. However, things got screwy thanks to COVID-19 – something that is incredibly, frustratingly, still happening in the world. It didn’t get pushed far. It only went back to July. But once it was placed back on the calendar, the marketing campaign picked up in earnest. When I first saw a trailer for the movie, I didn’t see anything that really stood out to me. It was a family at a beach, weird stuff happens, the kids age. Strange stuff. But nothing really grabbed me about it. Okay, I know Shyamalan kind of started getting his sheen back with The Visit and Split, but I heard Glass was pretty bad. Either way, I didn’t feel as though my life was harmed or made better either way if I watched any of these movies of his from the last five years or so.

Then, I saw more from the movie.

Now, I don’t want you to think that I’m some sort of xenophobic asshole. I truly am not. But I knew this movie was going to be trouble when I started seeing different trailers and various clips and it started becoming very clear that this movie had this wild array of accents. Everyone had some sort of different accent. Alarm bells started going off in my head. Yes, okay, this was a beach somewhere that was probably attractive to international guests, but that’s not typically portrayed in a movie like that, because, you know, movies aren’t real life? That said, those alarms go off whenever I hear so many different accents, it usually comes down to two things – it’s a bonkers production or it’s internationally financed.

The bonkers production warning sign is, if I’m begin honest, kind of unfair. I got that reasoning way back in the early days of this blog. When I covered Italian movies or movies that cast people for their looks and had them overdubbed or the dubbing was weird and the actor’s name was some sort of unpronounceable Vulcan guy or something… Where was I? Oh yeah… Italian movies tended to have actors and characters from all over Europe, so you know those giallos and other crazy Italian genre flicks are going to have bonkers productions, bonkers attempts at ripping something off, or a bonkers number of accents that you can easily pick up with your ears.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah… The other warning I get is the “internationally funded movie that can be exported to places that just want American looking movies” thing. Earlier this year, I saw the movie Moonfall – because of course I did. This movie had a single character of Chinese descent in it. What was she? She was Halle Berry’s son’s nanny. Now, you might think that, sure, Asian people exist… in abundance. But there was a calculated attempt by way of several lines to explain that she was an exchange student. Why? Because the girl playing the part was popular in China and a Chinese company co-funded the movie. They had to put a character in there that, by the looks of her, would totally fit regardless, but the reality was they had to go out of their way to explain why she acted and talked the way she did so a some guy, from the country the character was from, could flush a shitload of cash down the toilet to help make a very bad movie and justify importing it into that specific country that the character and the guy with the assload of cash came from. It’s a convoluted explanation for a single character’s entire existence in a movie.

My point is, I started getting very weird vibes from Old when those clips started to come along that had all these people with all these different accents. I thought maybe I was just hearing things. I thought maybe it was just all in my head. It was later confirmed that there was a fairly international cast. That landed the movie on the calendar to get the review treatment for September 23, 2022.

And with that… let’s get into Old.

We’re in for it within the first few minutes. This movie feels so… alien. Is that the actual twist? Anyway, we meet the Cappa family, mother Prisca and father Guy (both of which are foreign born actors with different accents) and their two children, daughter Maddox and son Trent (sans accents). They are riding in a shuttle toward luxurious Anamika Resort deep in a jungle probably in Central America. Maddox is singing at the top of her lungs. Prisca notes that a) “Sing it, gurrrrl.” and b) she can’t wait to hear her daughter’s voice when she’s older… (get it? because she’s going to be older very soon and shit?) and c) keep singing. Maddox stops. Trent says that she’s been stripped of her spontaneity. You know, that’s because little kids would say words like that.

These are little kids in a car. What do you expect from them other than both of them getting impatient about getting to the resort. Trent, in particular, is curious about when they will get to the resort and what activities will be available to them when they get there. Prisca says the next thing that makes this movie feel like it was written by space people and the actors have no choice but to repeat the dialog verbatim or else the Earth will be blown up by the aliens’ space laser modulator weapon.

She says: “Stop wishing away this moment.”

Look. I get what she’s trying to say. “Enjoy the moment.” These kids are doing almost everything other than looking out and enjoying the beauty of this jungle road around them. Okay. Sure. But the line feels like something that would sound soooo much better in a different language. The little boy talks like an adult. The mother says a line that feels has been run through Google Translate. This movie is less than three minutes old.

They arrive at the resort and Prisca says this is way better than Cancun. They are greeted by redheaded Gary Oldman who has yet another accent. He welcomes them to their version of paradise. He looks quite trustworthy, right? He’s only a redheaded Gary Oldman. I’m sure it’s fine.

The family get checked in and go to their luxurious bungalow at the resort. Trent and Maddox even meet the nephew of the resort manager (the above mentioned redheaded Gary Oldman guy). Once they get a moment’s rest, two things happen. The first is that Guy talks about how his company is suggesting people use the pharmaceutical company that has an advertisement at the resort to help lower costs. Second, the kids really want to go to the beach and have quickly changed into their swimsuits. While the dad teases the kids saying that they’ve come during the “no kids on the beach” week at the resort, Prisca looks on with a bittersweet smile.

Trent and Idlib, the nephew of the resort manager, become fast friends. In fact, Trent wants to make up for Idlib revealing he has no friends at all. Maddox is watching the kids that are slightly older than her and seems sad. It’s like she wants to be included but she’s a little too small for them and a little too big for the younger kids like Trent and Idlib. That night, Prisca and Guy fight while the kids can overhear them. Guy and Prisca are already on the way toward divorce and Prisca talks about a medical condition that is maybe exacerbating everything that much more.

The next day, the resort manager invites the Cappa family to a secluded beach for “special guests” and they agree to take the invite. Idlib is looking for Trent but gets shooed away by his uncle. During breakfast, a woman causes a scene when she collapses while having a seizure. After breakfast, M. Night Shyamalan personally drives the Cappa family along with a doctor named Charles, his wife, beauty-obsessed Chrystal, their little girl, Kara, and Charles’ mother, Agnes. Shyamalan gives the eight guests a giant wicker chest of food, but refuses to help them carry the supplies.

When they get to the beach, they soon find they aren’t the only ones there. There is another man there, a black guy named “Mid Sized Sedan” – a popular rapper that Maddox recognizes. Prisca plans to sit on the beach and read. She asks Guy what book she’s reading and he admits he doesn’t know, but she won’t tell him why she even asked in the first place.

Let alone not ever revealing to us that she ever actually reading a book of some significance anyway.

As the day plays out, Trent finds a portion by the rocks that doesn’t have any fish, but also has a naked dead body floating around. This blonde haired girl was with Mid Sized Sedan the night before. She doesn’t seem roughed up. She just seems dead. When Mid Sized Sedan realizes it was the girl he was with, his nose begins to bleed. Charles asks why his nose is bleeding, but the rapper doesn’t care to explain himself or anything else.

While Guy and Charles talk to Mid Sized Sedan, Agnes complains that her chest feels funny. Chrystal says it’s her fault for not wanting to have a yacht like she suggested. Trent complains his swimsuit is hurting him and he wants to take it off. Prisca realizes there is something off about him. The man and his wife, who had the seizure at breakfast, arrive. They are Jarin and Patricia. They say they were originally supposed to come with the rest but got delayed when Patricia needed to rest after her seizure. Charles wants to get the authorities involved and is immediately suspicious of Mid Sized Sedan because his nosebleed can only be because she struggled against him.

Before they can try to figure out what’s going on and how to get back to the resort, Chrystal calls for Charles because Agnes is in a bad way. Jarin tries going through the tunnel in the rocks that they came through, and he’s pushed out by some sort of pressure in his head. Prisca tries to get help from Charles. And… Woof. This exchange is kind of nuts.

She approaches Charles saying that she knows he was talking to her husband and that she knows he has a lot going on with “that woman” (his mother). She proceeds to tell him that something is wrong with her son. He asks her if it’s serious because he doesn’t have time for her problems because his mom is sick. She then asks what kind of doctor he is. He tells her that he does some cardio-something-or-another and he’s a chief medical officer. Where? I dunno, the Enterprise for all I know. She tells him she’s a curator for a museum because that will prove she’s not some crazy person and that she’s being truthful in saying that she knows something is wrong with her son. He says that her kid looks fine because he’s playing with his daughter.

Do you see what I mean when I say that this movie feels like aliens wrote it? that exchange is insane. Also, it’s around here that I begin to drift in my thoughts. What would have happened if Prisca, Guy, or anyone else just simply said they don’t want to go to the secluded beach. What if they just got food poisoning or something and spent their entire vacation locked up in their bungalow? Everything hinges in this movie on an invite that doesn’t seem as though it requires people to accept. This movie is goofy.

But I digress…

We go back to the kids, and we can tell everyone is “different” because they all sound different. Trent spots something shiny on the top of the hill way off in the distance. It seems as though Prisca has convinced Charles to look at the kids. As soon as they’ve walked away from Agnes, she’s stopped breathing. Chrystal swears she didn’t do anything. Why she would have to do that shows that she’s all looks and no decency. Agnes dies.

Meanwhile, Maddox and Trent approach Jarin and Patricia. Trent does his thing where he asks them what their names are and what they do. Jarin decides to guess their ages. He says Trent is probably 11 or 12, but Trent says that he’s specifically 6 3/4 and Maddox is 11. Jarin and Patricia think they are being Punk’d. Prisca comes up to them and asks them if they’ve seen her kids. Now, like me, Jarin and Patricia want to leave this movie.

Let me explain another reason why I pretty much hate this movie already. We are watching a movie called Old. We know there’s something bizarre happening on this beach. We’ve presumably watched a trailer for this movie so we already know what the twist is likely going to be. We already have heard that the kids sound different.

Yet… This fucking movie is dragging out the reveal. We’re only seeing the ear of Kara. We’ve only heard that Trent sounds different. When Trent and Maddox approach Jarin and Patricia, we can tell these kids are taller and they both sound different. Just reveal it already, won’t you? Stop with this minutes-long reveal that the kids have changed. It’s spinning the movie’s wheels badly. It makes me hate the pacing of this movie. It makes me squirm in frustration over the way the movie is shot. It makes me want to watch the movie in 1.5x speed. Then, to have it shot, again, to have Prisca asking Jarin and Patricia off screen about her kids as if she can’t piece it together at all that these two other people standing JUST TO HER FUCKING LEFT are, indeed, her kids, makes our lead character (at least our lead up to this point in the movie I guess) seem like a total moron. This is bad, dear Enemaniacs. And I’m not too sure this is bad in a fun way.

Even when the kids say to Prisca, “We’re right here, mom!” it still spins and spins and spins before finally, after a long, long, long delay, we finally see the kids have aged about five years each.

And, yes, that’s Thomasin McKenzie playing 16 year old Maddox. Guys, I really like Thomasin McKenzie. She’s been in two movies I deeply appreciate over the past few years. In particular, JoJo Rabbit and Last Night in Soho. There’s something so goddamned likable about her as an actress with her tiny little voice and her demeanor in her roles. I often say I wish I was like a big brother of hers and we could go bomb around and have fun and do silly shit. I dunno. I don’t often sit around wishing I was the older sibling of people, but, eh… Here we are.

Where are we with our movie? Oh yeah… The long-overdue of the reveal that people are aging quickly.

Mid Sized Sedan decides to cheese it and try to get off the beach. Charles sees this and decides this will not do and chases after him. They enter into the tunnel/cave that Jarin tried to escape through only for them to both be seemingly attacked by way of cranial pressure. They both end up back out on the beach. Prisca says she plans to leave with the kids. But no matter what path they try to escape through, the same cranial pressure and blacking out occurs. Prisca figures that the kids, since they are the only ones physically afflicted by this beach either caught a disease or are aging due to something they ate from the resort.

Wait wait wait. It just occurred to me… Mid Size Sedan was there with the dead girl in the water either the night before or very early morning, right? Was Mid Size Sedan, like, a teenage rapper? Shouldn’t he be decrepit? Oh, fuck it.

Charles goes nuts and pulls out a pocket knife and slashes Mid Sized Sedan’s face. Charles apologizes and says that he thought he was going to be hurt by him. Jarin asks to see the cut on his face. Mid Sized Sedan says that he must be in shock because he can’t even feel the cut. When he shows Jarin, the cut has heeled and scarred.

Mid Sized Sedan says that he and the girl came here because they both had an illness. He’s hemophiliac and she just got diagnosed as having multiple sclerosis. This was meant to be a getaway and unwind from the trauma of her diagnosis. They really did seem to like each other quite a bit. More on this in a bit.

Charles finally examines his daughter and figures she’s aged 6-7 years since being on the beach and she had just turned six a few weeks ago. Maddox reacts kind of poorly to it. It’s like the kids don’t know they’ve aged. However, Maddox explains to Mid Sized Sedan that while she didn’t expect to find out she’s aged about 6 years, she does feel different than the day before.

Patricia wants to get everyone on the beach and find out why everyone has come to the resort. Chrystal says that Charles is under a lot of stress. Prisca refuses to explain that she has a tumor in her stomach, but she’s starting to not feel good and Guy reveals she has that tumor and it’s now grown massively. Charles is going to cut the tumor out, but before he can do anything, he stops and asks if everyone knows that Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando were in a movie together. Eventually, he does cut, but the incision heals itself. They try again and Guy and Charles hold the incision open and Jarin pulls out a cantaloupe sized tumor.

Mid Sized Sedan goes to check out the body of his friend and discovers the body has completely decomposed to just a skeleton. Prisca, knowing her archaeological stuff from her work at the museum, she tells everyone it would take a body that’s left outside and exposed seven years for full decomposition. It only took about three hours. They figure everyone is aging one year every thirty minutes. The kids are eating so much so often because of how much mass they are gaining.

While the adults are talking about this stuff, Kara and Trent are off having some alone time and they seem to be quite into each other. Actually, they’re REALLY into each other because they hugged real hard and now they are going to have a baby.

I want to talk about something I already brought up once before about Charles. He sees his daughter who, just a few hours ago, was six, and is now a teenager and pregnant. He starts flipping out, but not like in a big way where he’s thrashing about and shouting. No, he’s talking about the Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando movie… again. This is his coping mechanism. It’s revealed that Charles is schizophrenic. When he becomes nervous or can’t handle something going on, he starts babbling about this movie (which is The Missouri Breaks by the way). It comes off almost like a comedy beat. It shouldn’t be funny. It should be scary and kind of a nerve-racking moment. However, it’s broad without being him thrashing about and screaming and what have you. This time around, he is even attacking Jarin and telling him, “You look like you want my wife!” It’s hilariously bad.

But enough about that for a moment… Kara is about to have a baby right now. Charles is completely useless. Jarin and Patricia are helping Kara. Chrystal tries running for the cave to escape (because she is useless), but is tossed out onto the beach where Maddox helps her up. Trent says he’s going to marry Kara and they’re going to live together forever. This is maybe the single best moment of this movie because the camera is moving through our collected characters and everyone is doing something and it’s frenetic and kind of thrilling.

Everything settles down again as the baby stops crying. The way time and aging works on this beach makes it impossible for a baby to live much longer than a couple minutes. Things get pretty bad almost right away again when Charles decides to stab Mid Sized Sedan like a hundred times. Guy is able to take the knife away and then Jarin decides to swim out and try to find another beach that might allow for escape. Guy thinks about climbing the rockface around the beach, but Trent wants to go instead, but when Prisca says she won’t allow it, I guess that means no one is going to try to climb the rockface because the scene cuts to the next and nothing more is happening on that front.

In a scene that I kind of think of sucks because it finally reconnects back to the whole Guy and Prisca were originally going to get a divorce, Maddox confronts her mother about the plan to leave Guy, and she says that she found out about the tumor and since she stares at nameless dead people all day at work she didn’t want to be one of them too. Uh… Okay, I get it on the mortality front, but I guess she decided to go hook up with another guy and now wants to throw her entire life into a complete meltdown instead of being upfront with her husband and kids about the mass and actually do something about that… Ugh… This movie sucks.

Anyway, so Maddox goes off to talk to herself about being an adult now and she needs to be stronger for everyone and she walks out into the ocean and finds Jarin’s dead body.

So this movie is now an hour old. You can’t walk out of the beach. You get older. You can’t have a baby. You can’t swim away from the beach. It’s high time we need to start wrapping things up, but you know what? There’s still like 45 minutes left.

But no… Kara talks about how she and Trent aren’t ever going to make it off the beach. They will never have a prom or a graduation. There are all these memories they won’t have. How… How does she know what any of these things are? Does this island or beach or whatever age, mature, and give you knowledge of life experience and stuff? It’s not very logical that this could happen. If you don’t know that there is a possible life event out there waiting for you in most normal circumstances, how would you know you missed it?

Eh, fuck it.

Kara tries climbing the rockface to get out. At first, Trent is like, “I’m going with her!!!” Then he decides to tell her that they should all stay together because they could waste what time they have trying to get out when there’s no place to go. She keeps going and blacks out and falls to her death. Shortly after Kara’s death, Patricia has a fatal seizure. Just after that, Guy’s vision blurs to near blindness. Chrystal’s bones begin to rupture thanks to her calcium deficiency. Prisca goes deaf. As the sun goes down, Prisca and Guy reconcile as they grow older.

Trent and Maddox go through all the stuff that was left on the beach from past visitors. This stuff and belongings are just kind of over there just barely hidden from everyone else at the beach. Whatever, Maddox finds a fairly pristine journal of a guy who was an aspiring sci-fi writer. He wrote in this journal about how apparently he knew that the magnetic composition of the exact spot of the beach and the mineral stuff and how deep it goes into the Earth is what causes rapid aging.

So says the sci-fi writer, so I guess it’s gospel.

Trent says maybe they can figure out a way to wrap themselves in a metal tube to stop themselves from being affected by whatever makes them pass out. Trent points out the top of that hill again and says he think they are being filmed by a camera on that ridge. Prisca has gone even more deaf and Charles comes to attack Guy because Charles thinks Guy is going to tell everyone about him killing Mid Size Sedan. Why did he need to kill Mid Size Sedan? Because “the man with the tattoos” was going to follow him home and steal all his stuff. He slashes at Charles and Prisca before Prisca runs away to tell her kids to go find a place to hide. Trent and Maddox hide in the cave where Chrystal is hiding and she gets twisted into a pretzel because of her calcium thing. She dies too.

Prisca returns to save Guy by slicing Charles on the arm with a rusted knife. She then tells the guy who is a surgeon, “It’s rust! It acts like poison when it gets into your blood!” No shit, lady? The doctor didn’t know that? That does kill Charles, so it is only the Cappa family left and there’s still thirty minutes to go and I really really want this to start wrapping up.

When the morning comes, only Maddox and Trent remain. They are now middle aged. Now, I’ll give casting director Douglas Aibel credit for finding Alex Wolff and Emun Elliott playing the two adult Trents because they do look like they could be the same person several years apart. However, there is a massive fuck up here on the casting of adult Maddox. The two previous actresses playing Maddox, Alexa Swinton and Thomasin McKenzie, are both blue-eyed. Then, for middle-aged adult Maddox, he cast Embeth Davidtz – a very clearly brown-eyed woman. I INSTANTLY spotted this when we saw her and Trent on the beach in the morning. That’s a real problem.

Sure, I’ll suspend my disbelief about an island or beach that has a chewy magnetic center and a crispy, crusty, rocky shell that makes people get older faster, but it’s another thing to sincerely fuck up a fundamental thing about a character’s physical appearance so badly. Oh and Embeth Davidtz has an accent. Yeah, Thomasin McKenzie is from New Zealand, but she speaks American English in this movie. However, Embeth Davidtz has a very barely, and sometimes inconsistently, masked South African accent.

Eh fuck it.

Considering the two siblings figure they will never leave the beach and they only have about 13 hours remaining to their lives, they decide to have a little fun and make a sand castle. Trent remembers that Idlib gave him a secret code puzzle. He deciphers it and it tells him that Idlib’s uncle has some issues with the coral in the water. Trent thinks the weird looking coral that sticks out of the water might be their magical metal tube they need to protect themselves from the effects of the rocks. They swim out and into the structure that was created by the coral. Up on the ridge, M. Night Shyamalan is the man with the camera watching the beach. He reports that Trent and Maddox drowned and the entire group sent to that beach are deceased.

He returns to a lab where people are experimenting on and and messing about with… stuff. Redhead Gary Oldman guy consults the lab workers as if it’s their first day on the job, but I guess they also know that they are in a movie and they have to hear this whole mission they are on in the lab for the sake of the audience. Anyway, he says that thanks to the beach, they have been able to develop many live-saving medicines. They test stuff on the people sent to the beach. Patricia’s seizures disappeared for, essentially, 16 years.

So yeah, the twist is that the beach is weird and no one knows why it exists, but a pharmaceutical company swooped in, realize there’s something weird about the beach, and used it to run trials on experimental drugs and cures. They give the medicine to the person visiting the resort, they send them off to the beach, and they figure out whether or not the drug worked on a long, macro scale. What takes a day on the beach is a lifetime for some. It allows them to fast track drugs onto the market.

This does bring up a sort of interesting concept, right? There is a nugget of a couple concepts here in this movie. The first is the weird beach thing. Something outside of time and maybe space itself that causes people to age. That could set up some other ideas about how people come to terms with their lives ending sooner than expected. However, to make that something more interesting, the movie would be some sort of deep drama and not the sort of horror movie that M. Night Shyamalan is going for. The other idea is the pharmaceutical angle. You have a chance to fast-track a drug by way of some how speeding up time and then watch the money fall into their faces. There could be some sinister shit there. Maybe even some scary shit could happen when drugs go horribly wrong.

But what about the morality of this? Patricia was sacrificed, but how many millions of people could be helped by a seizure drug? This could be so incredibly helpful for someone right now, today. She died, but others will have an immediate positive impact on their quality of lives. Yet, nine other people also were sent out to be sacrificed too and it’s hard to say that any of the others have any positive results on drugs tried on them. So while Patricia’s death could be logically reasonable, the deaths of the rest of the cohort trial is questionable as all get out – especially when it comes to the children sacrificed here.

Sure enough, one of the scientists makes the comment that they need to separate out their scientific subjects from the ones that they are going to give drugs to and test out on the beach. The head of the pharmaceutical company just tells the guy to submit the suggestion in writing and that will be considered later.

As the next test subject arrives, the “resort manager” welcomes them, and his right hand lady brings out cocktails, like she does for each and every subject, and Trent bumps into her and makes the drinks fall and smash on the ground. Trent and Maddox introduce themselves and they say no one should take anything from the resort and not go to that secret beach. They also turned over the sci-fi writer’s journal to a cop that Trent met the day before. It doesn’t take long for the secret of this place to get out and these two seemingly crazy people who just walked in out of nowhere has brought this whole pharmaceutical company to the ground.

Old is a bad movie. However, it’s hard to really explain exactly how bad the movie is. The ideas in the movie aren’t terrible, but the movie is easily 20 minutes too long. The dialog is a little melodramatic, which isn’t so bad, but I don’t feel like the dialog is particularly friendly to the actors in the movie. Again, let’s talk about the accents of the actors in the movie. Between the accent and the fairly stilted, melodramatic dialog, it makes everything coming out of their mouths sound really robotic and alien. Even the actors who are really pretty good on a normal basis, Alex Wolff, Thomasin McKenzie, and Rufus Sewell (Charles) in particular, don’t sound like they are saying things they would comfortably say in their real lives. I don’t think people are acting badly, but they do have to slog through what it is they are given. What they’re given is not great.

Maybe the biggest cardinal sin of this movie is that the movie is shot like a colonoscopy. It’s drab and dull and brown as shit. This takes place on a supposedly beautiful and secluded beach. I would expect nothing but gorgeous terrain and sun and blue water like you’ve never seen before. However, because of this rockface, the movie is now extremely drab and uninteresting to look at. This movie just turns out to be a big swing and miss.

Come back next week for the return of Chuck motherfuckin’ Norris as I’ll take a big ol’ deep dive into Silent Rage. However, before you do that, tune in tomorrow on YouTube, Vimeo, the B-Movie Enema Roku app, and the website itself to watch the season three finale of B-Movie Enema: The Series as we watch Stanley Kubrick’s first feature film, Fear and Desire! Be sure to follow B-Movie Enema on Facebook and Twitter using the links on the right side of your screen and subscribe to the YouTube and Vimeo channels so you can always be ready for when new content arrives.

Until next week, stay young my friends!