Fuck yeah, bro! I finally get to talk about my favorite pastime… XXX! Porn! Gross people doing gross shit to each other!!!
What’s that?
Vin Diesel? Asia Argento? Tattoos? Okay, well, I mean I guess Vin Diesel is okay. Not sure I want to see his schlong, but Asia Argento? I wanna see what tattoos she has in places that aren’t usually available to the naked (heh) eye. She’s probably into some weird shit too…
Say what?
Continue reading “xXx (2002)” →
Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned that this might be one of the very worst span of four weeks during one summer movie slate ever? It started with July’s Jaws: The Revenge and Superman IV: The Quest of Peace, and now ends with one of the more spectacular Cannon Films failures, Masters of the Universe.
The origin of how this movie came about takes root from the Mattel smash toy hit of the same name. Trust me, when I was little, everyone had He-Man toys. We’d walk around and ask each other if they want to play “He-Mans” and usually had our figures in tow at all times. We fucking loved this shit. What’s funny is that the toys were super cheaply made. For the most part, every figure had the same overly muscular body spray-painted different colors with different heads and different accessories or attachments. When you have a bunch of of the very same body for every male figure, it makes production costs quite a bit lower and gives you much more of a profit when these things sold like crazy hotcakes.
Continue reading “Masters of the Universe (1987)” →
Remember when Lindsay Lohan was, perhaps, one of the biggest young, rising stars in Hollywood? Also, she was really super hot?
Of course you do. What you probably don’t remember all that well, is that her rising star and super hot lady thing lasted an extremely short period in time. It was like a frozen moment that we all remember being at least a little longer than the one or two years that she possessed those titles. We look back on that time in which she starred in Mean Girls and had a couple really nice photo spreads in your Maxims, Details, or whatever as if we’re looking at a mosquito in amber .
Continue reading “I Know Who Killed Me (2007)” →
What’s this? Another utterly disappointing fourth film in a franchise to be released in July of 1987? You bet it is!
In a span of four weeks in the middle of the summer of 1987, moviegoers had to be subjected to Jaws: The Revenge from Universal, this week’s feature, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Masters of the Universe. The latter two being massively popular intellectual properties for young kids – both released by Cannon Films.
That’s fucking depressing to know that much shit flew out of screens into your face in such a short period of time.
Continue reading “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)” →
Oof magoof… Talk about your ill-advised sequels.
1975’s Jaws is a cinematic triumph in proportions never seen before. It broke box office records. It was the first, true “blockbuster”. It changed the way movies are released. Hell, it created what would become the “summer movie”.
The funny thing is, it shouldn’t have worked out the way it did. The production was a disaster with mechanical sharks used to depict “Bruce the Shark” constantly breaking down and nearly unusable to the point that direct Steven Spielberg had to become incredibly creative on how he shot the shark. The production shot at sea which caused lots of problems when unwanted boats simply drifted into frame. The film went way beyond schedule and way over budget.
Continue reading “Jaws: The Revenge (1987)” →
Earlier this summer, Spider-Man 3 turned 10 years old. It’s really odd to think about that. The third of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man Trilogy is only 10 years old.
Since the release of this movie, ALL of the Avengers movies have been released – among all the other outlying Marvel movies. DC has now created four movies in their own expanded universe. There have been 7 X-Men movies – including an entire trilogy of Wolverine movies and a completely rebooted X-Men series.
And as of today, Spider-Man himself has been rebooted twice.
Continue reading “Spider-Man 3 (2007)” →
45 years ago today, the fourth of the Planet of the Apes movies was released to theaters – Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.
By this point, 20th Century Fox knew they had a marketable franchise. They hit it big in 1968 with the original Planet of the Apes that created a world where apes were king and men were not much more than beasts of burden. There are three main things remembered from the first film: 1) the original reveal of the gorillas hunting down humans in a cornfield, 2) “Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”, and 3) the end reveal that Taylor (Charlton Heston) had only time traveled to the future of Earth and not to a distant planet.
Continue reading “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)” →
Ah Megaforce. What took me so long to come around to you?
I think I probably subconsciously waited for this exact moment – to commemorate Megaforce’s 35th anniversary of release. There’s a bit of insanity surrounding this masterful piece of cinematic art. First, you probably didn’t know that it has a deep connection to another 1982 classic sci-fi movie – Blade Runner. Yeah. There was a film company in Hong Kong who put together the funding for MegaForce, Blade Runner, and two other films to hopefully breakthrough in the United States. All of them were box office failures (well… technically High Road to China was not a failure, just forgotten).
Continue reading “Megaforce (1982)” →
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