Sexsquatch (2013)

When you have a blog that discusses movies or possibly cultural turning points in the form of celluloid, eventually, it becomes an absolute truth of your life that you will discuss something like what I have this week – Sexsquatch.

I’m not entirely sure what to say about this movie.  Obviously, there is a Wikipedia page for it.  It’s widely known that the Sexsquatch Wikipedia page is largest and most extensive page in the history of Wikipedia.  However, I do also believe that the less you know about the biggest moneymaker in the history of film, grossing $47 billion against a $350 million budget, the better.

Now, of course any time a film breaks through and makes a cultural impact the size of Sexsquatch has, there will be haters.  There will be those who are detractors.  There will be contrarians.  There will be those who will try to be elitist in saying that your love of such a mainstream film makes you a farthead.  Possibly even a monkeydick.  They’ll even call you a fuckqueef.

Of course there will be those who will try to use the “Did You Know” trivia section of Internet Movie Database to smear this with the obvious coercive “This is detestable trash” start to their little known fact:

Then, there will always be those who are apparently from One Million Moms doing everything they can to smear the film by poo-pooing how they feel the film displays religious iconography:

I mean, people will do whatever they can to put down those things that the mainstream loves.  From the self-righteous piety of those who see religious symbols and start nitpicking to find problems to the elites who think that anything that isn’t made by Herzog or Allen or Jarmusch is damaging the world.  But how can you say that with this beautiful box art that is most definitely Drew Struzan level of design work at play:

Of course, as you can see on the back of the box, there is an obvious attempt to be diverse with some alternative chicks with tats and various color of hair and there is most definitely a reason to believe that these ladies also believe in the idea that love is love and look like they want to make out.  So, obviously, this film is on the side of the progressive agenda.  I suspect I don’t have to go very far on a YouTube search to find Ben Shapiro or Stefan Molyneux bitching about how this film is clearly pushing that leftist crap that is destroying society:

And, yes, I’m positive someone bought the disc, opened the case, and then thought:

“Is it possible I purchased a snuff film?”

Uhhhhhmm…  Well.  We’ll see about that last one.

The movie opens with a hooded man explaining that we’re about to watch Sexsquatch.  And just to make sure everyone is aware that this is high cinema, openings explaining that you are about to watch a particular movie is definitely a sign of this.  Why, the artful Dune did it.  The incredibly, overly intelligent Zardoz did it.  Sometimes, you just need to be told what is about to happen because your feeble ass brain, and your feedable assbrain, must be explained these things, you plebes.

Not wasting a goddamn minute of time, an alien vessel crashes and a hairy best is immediately on the prowl for buttholes to explore.  The creature finds a couple doing the fornication thing in a park and makes the man sniff his fingers and then kills the couple by tearing their limbs from their bodies.

High. Art.

Friends are planning a party for one of their friends, Joey.  It’s not just any party, though.  It is for Joey to get deflowered.  This is obviously in reference to the various ceremonies that are carried out by 14 year old members of the Southwestern New Jersey clusters of inhabitants called the Cuckamadouches.  While recent studies have shown this to also be true in the hills of Kentucky and the mountains of northern Georgia.

And so, like a Robert Altman film in his most prestigious era of creativity, the rest of the ensemble cast making up the party arrives.  They dub themselves the “Pussy Squad” in an obvious tip of the hat to films by Japanese auteur Kurosawa.  However, a woman of considerable size and a low IQ named Marmalade plans to crash the party.  Back at said party, Joey is excited to cross over into manhood in a true honorable, culturally significant way.

Marmalade is thrown out of the house by the partiers.  Their treatment of Marmalade, and her subsequent curse she places upon them, is reminiscent of how society often treats the mentally damaged and the physically obese.  We all say we can heal our broken society by caring for those who are less fortunate or less beautiful or flat out insane, but we also often find ourselves jettisoning them from our lives quickly and shaming them for their inability to be “normal”.  Marmalade is indeed a victim of the very society that claims to want to help her and make her feel accepted.

So she goes outside to take a shit because her defecation is her own way of rejecting those who shunned her and truly accepting herself – and her own body.  There, she sees Sexsquatch also droppin’ deuce in his way of showing how nature cares not for plumbing or even enclosures like an outhouse.  Clearly, he is speaking to the thought that nature should not be prisoner to the trappings of people and their shit.  He does threaten to kill and rape Marmalade.  However, she strikes a deal with Stinkfist the Sexsquatch.  She suggests that her revenge on the party that rejected her can fulfill his carnal needs by unleashing him onto the sex party.

At the party, Joey is asked why he isn’t partaking in the normal ceremonial dances of the deflowering event like smacking butts or flopping his dong around.  He explains his passion is in film making.  He doesn’t want casual sex anyway.  He’s trapped in the Judaeo-Christian tradition of monogamy.  While the girl talking to him, Jennifer, seems a little intrigued and smitten with his old fashioned sensibilities, it is obvious his lack of partying removes him from all the fun his friends have – much like how Rudolph was excluded from the reindeer games.

Much like the mating rituals of the Cukamadouches, they also have a ritual for the elders who have crossed over into adulthood – spooky stories around the campfire.  They turn to their leader, Leo, to tell a story about the lake.  The lake does possess a name in this tribe’s native language – Bloodfart Lake.  It means “large body of water bubbling with anal fissure residue”.

While elder Leo tells the tale, one of the party goers is attacked by Stinkfist and Marmalade.  Stinkfist rips his guts out and anally penetrates him.  Similar to how the world’s overpopulation has pulled the guts out of cattle to provide us with beef, thus needing cattle population to rise and their methane output is anally penetrating our ecosystem.

That. Is. Deeeeeep.

Joey and Jennifer go to try to find the missing friend from the night before, Lucas.  Note that Lucas is named in a way to reveal fans’ real feeling about George Lucas selling Star Wars to Disney.  Lucas is missing, and is now dead from how Disney has treated the property.  Jennifer tells Joey that she knows he likes her and she will be the one to complete the deflowering ritual with him.  They are about to make out when Joey farts, and they fall over – an obvious homage to how millennial manliness has been on the decline and unsuitable to please a woman who simply wants to experience the joy of intercourse.

They fall near the remains of Lucas.

They mourn the loss of a member of their tribe in their way – a musical number about a hate group adopting a highway near one of the members’ parents’ house.  Leo, a true elder and leader, decides that nothing, not the police, not the sorrow, nothing, even this movie, will get in the way of this party.  Even Joey becomes adamant that Lucas would have wanted the party to go on and he must abide by that.

As the mating ritual continues, Joey’s mother performs another act of cultural significance.  She blows the candles out on Joey’s cake with her own muff.  Joey selects Jennifer to lose his virginity to.  Another member of this group sees Marmalade and yells at her to leave – again, rejecting those who have not from the group that has status.  Stinkfist attacks and places his hand so far up the girl’s butt, he turns her into a ventriloquist doll which is an obvious slam on how popular culture turns the easily led into advocates for consumerism.

Stinkfist goes on a killing spree by killing two more of the members of this tribe.  One of which is Joey’s mom.  Now, when you think about a young lad passing over into manhood, it is something that is scientifically studied that this affects a male in a way that essentially kills the reliance on one’s mother figure.  The woman who will lay with a man will replace that man’s mother and, in turn, will begin to mold, or mother, him into an image that she will find pleasing to her.  While, what she finds pleasing will obviously be more sexual, a boy’s first love will always be his mother.  He will endeavor to find women in his life that have qualities of that first love.

Therefore, by having sex with Jennifer, who he knows is a dominant female personality, Joey is not only replacing his mother, but his lost virginity kills the reliance on his mother.  If we were to take this analogy one step further, Joey’s burgeoning manhood is Stinkfist the Sasquatch and Stinkfist is simultaneously killing and fucking Joey’s own mother.

When Joey finished his mating ritual, he cried out “Mother!” which is unsettling to Jennifer.  However, Stinkfist shows up to tell everyone he is in a contest with a rival to see how many people they can rape and kill.  The score is currently tied, but Stinkfist snaps Jennifer’s neck unexpectedly – much like how Joey calling out Mother in bed was unexpected, it also killed their relationship.

Thankfully, Stinkfist’s rival shows up and destroys him and Marmalade with a bazooka – providing those who only care for low brow, mainstream entertainment what they desire, while also providing subtle subtext to the rest of us how popular culture and fickle mainstream sensibilities will always be present to cannibalize itself with bazookas.

Obviously, Sexsquatch is one of the most intelligent and highest forms of art ever produced on film.  Some might think that 60 minutes is not quite enough to tell its story, or that it might display inadequacy in its themes and ideas, but I offer a different, and clearly learned, point of view on this discussion point that has long been hotly debated.  If this film was three hours like the great Terence Malick’s latest masterpiece A Hidden Life was, the time it would have had to insert these subtle ideas and commentaries on pop culture and themes of tribal desire and exclusion of others would have likely been too much for any normal person’s brain.  And much like a Malick film – we just can’t have all that melted brain matter that oozed out of the audience’s ears leaving such a massive clean up job for theater staffs to clean up.

Next week, we return to normal fare here at B-Movie Enema.  It’s time to check back in with Black Emanuelle with Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals which happens to be one of the Joe D’Amato flicks in the series.  So be sure to come back and check that shit out.



Oh, and one last note on the cinematic masterpiece that is Sexsquatch.  If you didn’t notice in the image earlier of the disc…  It doesn’t just say Sexsquatch on it.  It says…

To be continued…

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